How can I get him to talk to me...

[Marie83]

Hey all! So I'm new to this and don't usually do these sort of things but I'm hurt and looking for answers. First off, I'm 23 in graduate school and my boyfriend, well ex I guess, is 33 and works at a nearby college. He broke up with me last Saturday and it was pretty sudden. We've never had any fights or arguments before and this was the first time that we had an issue and it wasn't even a major one! It all started last tuesday when I told him that I wish he would tell me that he loved me more even though I know he loves me (he goes out of his way for me all the time, he's met my family and I've met his, he's helped me with a major school project, he brings me dinner all the time when I'm trying to study and is always bringing me flowers, he takes me out to dinner/movies, and still opens car doors, etc. ). We were also suppose to take a mini vacation last weekend and I accused him of not really wanting to go, actually I asked him if he really wanted to because I was feeling like he wasn't putting much effort into it and I was afraid that he didn't have time right now or that he thought he was going to pay for it all. He got upset with me (this was Thursday night) and said that he's been wanting to go on this trip and he can't believe I'd say that.

 

Finally, he got pretty upset and said he didn't want to talk to me right

now, I told him I didn't want to get off the phone like this and he said

neither did he. Finally, I said well what happens when we get off the

phone and his response was I'll call you this weekend or either you'll call me. He didn't call at all Friday (and this is the guy that calls me everyday

after work at least once!) so I called and left a really nice message saying "Hey, I'm thinking of you, I miss you and hope to talk to you soon." He didn't call back. Saturday I called twice and left messages and he didn't call back until 10pm. When he called I asked if I could come over so that we could talk about things face to face. So I did and when I got there he

was sitting on his porch (which I knew was a bad sign) and he said I

guess you know I'm pretty grumpy right now and after much thought I

don't think this is going to work out.

 

So my question is what do I do now? He didn't give it much of a chance

to talk things out and I love him and care for him so much. I realize that I was doing a lot of things wrong and was taking the relationship and him for granted. He seemed to love me just as much as I love him so how can he cut me off so quickly? We haven't talked since, today makes five days. I called two nights ago and left a very nice message saying "Hey, I was just wondering what you were up to. I've realized some things the past couple days that I'd at least like the chance to talk to you about. Please give me a call when you get this." He didn't call back. I don't want to give up just yet because it was a great and beautiful relationship and I feel that if we can get pass this it will make it stronger. I know that I was in the wrong and want to work things out. But at the same time, I can't force him to change his mind and I can't make myself miserable. I wish

he would at least hear me out so I can acknowledge to him the mistakes I

made. Do you think I should write an email or letter and give it to him

explaining how I feel and then leave it at that? I want to make at least make another attempt so that I can feel that I tried my best but I don't

want to come off as a psycho ex. What do you think he's feeling/thinking

right now?

 

Please offer me any advice on what I should do fixing this, how I can get through to him, or how to get pass this!! It hurts so bad!

[Marie83]

Wow, I just realized I had a lot of grammatical errors in that posting! I forgot to mention that we've been dating for a year...

[swirly27]

Marie,

 

I know I don't know a whole lot of detail, but if you've been dating for a year and hardly had any fights, this seems like this break up was pretty sudden. If everything was great and he really loved you and had no doubts about being with you, then you asking about a his interest in a weekend trip and asking about saying I love you a little more shouldn't have been a DEAL BREAKER. I can say that if he was treating you great, he MAY have wondered how you can ask if he loves you, when sometimes actions speak louder than words....BUT, if everything else was great and this just happened, it almost sounds like this has been coming for awhile.....and maybe he was feeling guilty....maybe thats how you could sense his uninterest in the mini vaca and if he was acting different at all...so you were trusting your gut. The question is why? Why did things change for him? Is there someone else, is something else going on?

 

What sucks is, the BEST thing you can do is give him the space.....you may love hime with all of your heart and you have tried and if you end up trying again, so be it. We all have our own boundaries of what we'll try to win back someone we love.....BUT.....if something else is going on, nothing you do will get him back....except maybe leaving him alone. He obviously has doubts right now, so leaving him be will give him time to think, time to miss you and maybe realize what he could be letting slip away. I wish you luck!

[Marie83]

Swirly27,

 

Thanks for the reply. I know you're right that I need to give him space and only he can make the decision to come back. I really don't think there's someone else, he's a pretty truthful and honest man. I even asked him the night we broke up and he said no. I just really want to tell him that I realize I messed up and make sure that this is really what he wants. But, then again, he may night read an email or letter I send and I'll probably be even more hurt if he doesn't reply. I just hurt so bad, I feel like I can't breathe, I've been having trouble sleeping, and I can't eat. I don't know, I wish I could at least hear more from him about what's going on or how he's feeling....

[Guest]

My ex bf and I broke up, and I didn't give him space at first. I was so shocked, and hurt. Now I want to try to do the NC thing, but will it still work after my clingy actions?