littlepiggy1 Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 I'd still been keeping in touch with my ex. Just a couple phone calls over the last month or so (since we'd seen each other last). I know, I know, NC and all that... Although, I had noticed the last couple times we talked I didn't feel anything emotional towards her. So today she calls me. She sounds pretty down... then she asks me for a favor. When we used to go out, whenever she had a ****ty day, I'd pick her up from work and take her to this place by the river to cheer her up. We'd talk, sometimes make out, yada yada yada. She says she wants to see me and asks if I'd take her to the river. I told her no, that I didn't think that would be a good idea for either of us. Even though she's having a ****ty day, I think that such a thing would just re-open a lot of old wounds and emotions and probably make her day worse at the end. I have mixed emotions after the fact. On the one hand, I feel a tug at my heatstrings wishing I could be there to cheer her up. On the other hand, I feel that I have to set these boundaries and that in the end what I did was best for both of us. So in that sense I feel a bit better about things. Not much, but a bit.
bchlvr Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 I think your setting this boundary was a smart move. It sounds as though "down by the river side" is a hotbed of associations and memories for the both of you. This is the place where the two of you shared intimacy. Now that you've broken up, I'm not sure that being together in this is place will cheer up either one of you. You said you didn't feel anything emotional toward your ex in the course of a phone conversation, but this request has pulled at your heartstrings. I think this speaks to a conflict in the process of letting go. Perhaps you are becoming more detached in some areas but right now you can't expect to be with her face to face and feel the way you do over the phone. Your ex is turning to you in her time of need. You are setting important boundaries so that you can move forward but it also seems as though you are bit focused on her well being as well as yours and what is best for her. I want to ask you in a very kind way why she is turning to you when she is feeling down? And do you have a need to comfort her or take care of her emotionally? What benefit does this provide for you? Her request sounds like a hook to me, to draw you into her psyche, her needs, on her terms. Keep doing the good work that you are doing. And perhaps set a boundary for youself regarding telephone contact as well. Telephone contact stirs things up too and easily leads to other forms of contact.
Author littlepiggy1 Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 You said you didn't feel anything emotional toward your ex in the course of a phone conversation, but this request has pulled at your heartstrings. True, but previous conversations were more upbeat, "hey, how have you been" kind of conversations. In this one she sounded really sad and I felt sorry for her. I want to ask you in a very kind way why she is turning to you when she is feeling down? I know she still has feelings for me. She told me a couple months ago she still loves me. The idea of us getting back together even got brought up by her (in a completely hypothetical scenario, mind you). But I'm about 99.9% sure I don't want to get in a relationship with her. I realize what I want from her is an ideal version of her that doesn't exist in reality. And that if we did get back together, we'd have the same issues we did in the past. Plus, I'm in a point in my life (3rd year university student going through a career transition) where I simply can't allow relationship drama back into my life. And do you have a need to comfort her or take care of her emotionally? What benefit does this provide for you? I think part of it is just my nature. I tend to be a bit of a pushover and if someone is needing help, I tend to be overly generous. I think this might stem from a low self confidence issue, and I've been screwed over in the past because of it. That's why in the last couple years I've tried to set more boundaries for myself as to what I will and won't do for others. It doesn't help that it is my ex, a person I've loved. But I realize that I can't be the source of comfort for her problems at the expense of myself. And that in this case, such an action would be to neither person's benefit in the end. Keep doing the good work that you are doing. And perhaps set a boundary for youself regarding telephone contact as well. Telephone contact stirs things up too and easily leads to other forms of contact. We'll, this is the second time in the past month she wanted to see me (previously she wanted to just hang out as friends). But I declined then, and I'm definitely declining now.
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