Outcast Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 I am not 'looking'. Not on the prowl. Have a fairly specific set of criteria that few people meet and, well, I'm just not 'looking'. So a couple of you will have been around when I've posted about fending people off and had some useful tips. Now I need one more. I let my guard down ONE EVENING and, because I just don't expect to end up in these situations, I haven't really rehearsed the best way to get out of them. I don't live in a very big city. I see more or less the same folks out at most of the events I attend - there's a demographic that enjoys certain types of music and dance and they follow the music and dance events around town and it's not such a big crowd of people that you can get lost in it. I was at an event tonight where most of the folks didn't show - the weather wasn't that great and it was outdoors. However one fellow did show that I'd seen before; took note because he's a very good dancer. This time we danced. And talked. And eventually had coffee. Talked more. Not a bad dude but I'm not in love, not planning to be, not looking, etc. Next thing I know, I'm finding I'm having to turn down an offer to 'take tomorrow off'.! Now. I think I did it nicely enough. I said I had to get up early to work. But now I'm wondering if I left him feeling personally rejected. I wouldn't want him to feel bad. He seems quite a nice guy - if a fast mover (see other threads about good-looking people getting away with murder) and the thing is that I will absolutely see him around these events again and would be glad to dance with him and even chat. Still won't be looking and still wouldn't accept another such offer. So what I'm wondering, gentlemen, is what your suggestions might be as to how you could be turned down in such a way that wouldn't leave you feeling as though you couldn't talk to the turner-downer again. As in suggestions for the nicest possible way to be turned down that wouldn't leave you feeling bad. I suppose I can't be just pals with this one either but I'd like to have a dance with him every now and then - guys who are good dancers are almost as rare as guys with the qualities I'm looking for. I'm sure he's not heartbroken; I'm sure he can have his pick of the ladies - and very likely does LOL. I'm such a knob - I never figured he'd go for it that quickly or I would have had a strategy in place. So help me out folks, I guess I better have one in reserve in case I'm dumb enough to be caught unawares again. I have plenty of strategies for avoiding jerks; what I need is a 'turn down a nice guy nicely' procedure.
Ripples Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Eheheh! I think you did it nicely enough. But I'm not a guy, I wouldn't really know. Um, how about explaining to him that you're not looking for anything more than friendship right at the start, steer the conversation onto relationships? I know it could feel that it looks like you're jumping the gun if you say that, but I'm sure there's a way it can be done. Or maybe next time you see him, you could talk to him first, kinda to let him know you still like him?
bluechocolate Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 "I could always use a good dance partner like yourself but I'm sorry, all of our dancing will be of the vertical kind." (that could be open to interpretation) Now. I think I did it nicely enough. I said I had to get up early to work. The problem with that kind of response is that some people would take that as an invitation to try again, say on a Friday or Saturday night when work may not be an excuse. Though if he's a smart guy he'll read it for what it was - a kind rejection. Failing all else using words like dagnab it should do the trick, unless of course he's a big Warner Bros. fan.
Author Outcast Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 The problem with that kind of response is that some people would take that as an invitation to try again, say on a Friday or Saturday night when work may not be an excuse. Whoops. Well, like I say, I know it was lame because I wasn't expecting it at all so I just grabbed the first thought that floated by. Failing all else using words like dagnab it should do the trick, unless of course he's a big Warner Bros. fan. By golly, I think you may be right! Oh well. I'll be friendly and if he isn't friendly back, I guess I'll just have to chalk it up to the perils of being a heartbreaker But if you have a good line I can use should it happen again, I'll be glad of suggestions. Meanwhile, back to the nunnery with me
fishtaco Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Actually, this depends on the guy, and not you. The only thing you can do is be specific and honest. Tell him you don't want to date him because you're not looking but you'd like to dance with him in the future because he's a good dancer. Now if he interprets this as an insult and gets defensive, he's got issues, you're better off not associating with him. If he interpret this as "my mouth says no but my eyes say yes", and keeps trying, tell him again. If he keeps it up, he lacks the ability to decipher social cues, tell him to go f--k himself and be done (or your choice of words that will pierce through his thick skull in no uncertain terms), you're better off not associating with him. If he gets hurt, it's his problem. He needs to learn. A man cannot survive in the dating world if he gets hurt from every rejection. You're helping to toughen him up.
Author Outcast Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 Be honest! What a thought! ! Thanks fish. That's exactly what I planned to do. This, I guess, is what happens when you avoid such situations - you get rusty on how to deal with them.
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