insomnie Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 I need advice on how ot better deal with disappointment. I tend to lash out at my boyfriend a lot of the time when our get-togethers do not live up to my expectations. I realize this is very immature, pisses him off, and is detrimental to our relationship, but I just cannot seem to be able to stop. I was out of town for two weeks and came back today. I had relaly missed him and was really looking forward to having sex and some quality bonding time. He was tired. The sex was awful because I was feeling insecure and he made it rough, no foreplay, so I stopped in the middle. He was affectionate but distant and I sensed that he didn't really want me there. Maybe he did and I read into that wrong - I don't know. The entire time I was on edge, and he sensed that and grew more and more annoyed with me. The night ended with him logging online to chat up his friends while I was there. He talked to them about an upcoming weekend trip, one he hadn't mentioned to me. I told him I was going to go home, he said ok. Not I'll stop IMing, let's hang out...just ok. So I left. THen out of guilt for being so irrational (he WAS being affectionate, HAD told me he loved me, DID pick me up from airport, etc.) I logged online to apologize. He had altered his settings so I couldn't see that he was online...great. I IMed him anyway and he said he was pissed precisely because he knew I'd want to talk, and he hates these dconversations. More and more upset, I persisted, and instead of making up like I wanted we just got more and more annoyed at each toher. Now I feel guilty for not appreciating him enough and not being easygoing. I want him to snap out of feeling annoyed with me, but I know usually it takes him a couple of days to miss me again. Except, I've just been gone for 2 weeks, and he's already annoyed, so I don't know. I hate fighting wiht him. What I want to do right now is drive to his apartment to snuggle...but I know it would just piss him off. He wants space. Any advice on how to soothe him faster, and better yet, how I can deal with my irrationality?
Marielle Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 I do not think you where irrational...You had a feeling he was a bit distant, and you where expecting a lot more of that re encounter...more magic, him jumping into you, say more romantic things. Maybe you should take some distance until he calls you...If he s pissed, the only thing you can do is wait...until he realizes he was also wrong, I mean after 2 weeks not toghether he goes online with his friends, talking about a trip, common...
Author insomnie Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 Yah, I can't help but feel that way too, but when I brought up the online thing to him he said that I always tell him that he can be himself around me, yet I get pissed every time he does something he wants. Which isn't totally true, I don't get pissed every time...it was just that I hadn't seen him for two weeks, and I expected a LITTLE bit more enthusiasm on his part about being with me. Ya know? But maybe I was a bratty drama queen about the whole sitaution. Maybe I should have been a little more chilled out, maybe I shouldn't have taken the whole thing to heart. I was just so disappointed and feeling so insecure... and he knew that and stubbornly did nothing to help me feel better. Ugh. I hate playing games, but I won't call him today. I sense he won't call me, either. He'll wait until Monday, when he gets back from HIS trip, at which point another school week will have started. And then if I act "clingy" by expressing that I want to see him, he'll feel pressured and will break up with me...again. We've gone in these little circles at least 10 times so far. He's broken up with me thrice. It just pisses me off how I seem to be the only one who cares whether or not we are on good terms and togehter. He likes me and is a good boyfriend, as long as he doesn't need to deal with any neediness that I may exhibit. So basically, I can't get angry with him for any reason. If any problem regarding emotional distance arises, I need to leave, deal with it on my own, and come back to him when I am completely happy once again. I am SO angry right now. And on top of that I feel a little crazy, like I am the one at fault here for overreacting and having unrealistic expectations, and I keep screwing us up.
blind_otter Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Sometimes people don't know what to do, when their partner is irritable or upset, so they withdraw because they don't want to fight. It may help to tell him, outright "I'm angry and I'm suffering, I need your help, I am trying my best." That always seems to help me, anyways. Sometimes it helps to ask your partner for help when you have a situation. Men tend to respond to clearly communicated needs a lot better, IME, anyways. I hope things come to a resolution for you.
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