limbomom Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I have been married for 17 years this Oct. together for 20. Two kids 10 & 8. The last 5 have been ruff. I have been trying to communicate to my husband the problems that we need to deal with, but he either gets mad or completely shuts me out. Last fall I finally gave up because I was the only one trying to fix things. I turned off all my emotions in regards to him. He accused me of having an afair. Now that he knows I am ready to leave he wants to fix everything. At this point, I am just tired or trying and need a break. We have been dealing with this situation since Oct. and nothing is changing. I can't take this anymore. We have talkds and discuss things then the next day its like we never talked at all. WHich makes me crazy!!! I want to leave, but I know it will hurt him badly. I do feel responsible for him, I don't know why. He has been controling, negative, and all around grouchy for a long time. Am I wrong to want out? I feel like I have always just been what he wanted me to be and not myself. We met when I was 19 and he ws 27. He is demanding that I go to couple therapy. We both were going to counseling on our own. He has not been in a while because he wants to do the couple thing. Problem is I am tired of working at it, I don't have any strength left. I am not productive at work definately not at home. Just frazzled. Anyone got any thoughts?
Moose Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Personally, I would suggest you both go to counseling together. The courts may make you do so anyways. You might want to try a trial seperation, and see if he's tune changes at all.....
luvstarved Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 You two have a lot of time in together and two young children. So I would definitely encourage you to try to work things out. I have had a similar experience as you, trying to talk about issues and getting shut out, or the subject changed, or blamed...it is very frustrating. Since you weren't having any success, you kind of gave up and distanced yourself emotionally. I can certainly understand that, too. It sounds as though it worked TOO well, though, and now you are at a point where you just don't feel enough of anything to fight for the marriage. You're just kind of fed up and want some peace, sounds like. I would suggest a few things that worked well for me and my husband. First, find an activity that is just yours to enjoy - but not an affair! Whatever it is you might have liked to do many years ago...go to the movies, the library, shopping - window shopping if money's tight, take a class - in anything, just to get some of your own identity and some of that peaceful "you time."..you don't have to do it every day, maybe once a week or twice a month to start, so that you don't scare your husband into thinking you've got your foot out the door. Joining a gym worked for me, it's really changed my life. Second, I would suggest taking some time to write down your feelings. I write letters to my husband, letting it all out, read them a few times, delete, rewrite, etc. I don't give them to him - because sometimes things don't come out quite right and I have learned it works better to just use this as a tool to sort out my feelings so that my head is clearer when we do talk... Next, emphasize to your husband the "talk is cheap" angle. I don't know what your exact issues are, but I have definitely been in the same boat of talking and seeming to have worked things out, and then...back into the rut and nothing changes. Feeling the way you do, it DOES sound like a crisis and I don't think to sound the alarms would be overreacting. Tell him that you simply cannot continue on with the way things are and that you need to come up with concrete ways of effecting those changes. OR ELSE. Not so much as an ultimatum, but just to let him know...that you CAN'T (not WON'T) keep on as things are. I would also recommend trying to do the "dates" thing eventually if not now. You need time together as husband and wife and not just co-parents. However, I emphasized the getting your own time alone more for now because it sounds like you really need that more at the moment... As for his controlling and angry demeanor, don't stand for it. Assuming there is no actual abuse involved (and if there is, forget everything else I said and get the hell OUT), remind him that you are your own person and that you don't have to take that from anyone, much less your husband. He doesn't own you, nor you him. You're supposed to be partners, not master and slave. Get away from him when he is like that if you can and try to refuse to join in on the anger part. In fact, it might not hurt to TELL him you refuse to join in, and that he can enjoy his funk all alone if he wants to. My husband has anger issues, and I have learned that if I refuse to respond with my own anger, it tends to dissipate rather quickly and leave him feeling a little foolish. Like I said, I don't know what your issues are, but if you were together for 12 happy years and only rough for the last 5, it sounds like you have a good foundation to work with. I think it is to your husband's credit that he wants to go to couples therapy. But make him understand that you need and deserve your own time and space and that if you do not get it, it is bad for the future of your marriage. A good counselor will support you in that. It sounds like your identity has been lost in the shuffle, and that is never a good thing. You have to be balanced about it, you don't want to just go to the other extreme and be away from the family a lot all of a sudden or just blow off your commitments and responsibilities to go "find yourself"...but you have a right to not feel "frazzled"... Well, I hope some of the above applies. Best wishes. Keep us posted.
Outcast Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 A lot of men are, apparently, not too bright. Women can say there's trouble that needs fixing until they're blue in the fact but it's not until they begin to prepare to leave that the men finally get it. Solution: as soon as there's trouble, start packing the bags if you have one of those types. It seems to be the only thing that gets attention
Author limbomom Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 Thanks to all of you. I did get him to agree to have us and our counselors meet together to sort things out. That should be interesting. One of my biggest problems is that I can't even stand him touching me anymore. I have tried to get over it but I can't! Even his smell just bothers me. At one time he had offered to move out for a few weeks, but when I actually asked him to he refused. He was told that if he leaves he will loose the house. He know I talked to a lawyer, and I tried to explain to him the way it works, but he is dead set against it. He says I am the one with the problem so if anyone needs to leave it is me. I have tried to explain that the only way I can figure out if I still have feelings for him is to have him leave for a while and I figure I will either miss him or be glad he is gone. Still my problem. I do know that if he is gone for a weekend or something that the whole house is much more relaxed. He is not visically abusive but some say he is verbally abusive to me. Which I would have to agree that he has been for a long time. Sorry for the ranting, I just seem to hang around in limbo land waiting for something to happen. Thanks for your messages.
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