zara Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Ok - my bf (25) me (30). He runs a small record label putting out hiphop records as well as his successful daytime business, on our very first date he gave me some cd's to listen to on holiday with my friend, one of which contained what he told me was "a really talented female emcee". Cool, i like talented women - being one myself! We listen to the CD on our holiday and she sounds like a whining child spouting pretentious teenaged poetry - me and my friend look at each other and decide "hmmm, there has to be a reason why he's promoting her... i bet he was seeing her!" Upon return from holiday we start to date and someone informed me that yes, he was seeing this 'talented' girl. It was all very controversial because she was only 15 at the time but it's over now but he still has her on his record label and radio shows. Now this girl is just turned 18 - i have a 19 year old niece so you can imagine that the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. I told him that it made me uncomfortable - he admitted that it was something he regrets and has massive guilt over but he counts her as a really good friend and amazing talent and wants to carry on working with her. I responded by telling him that made me uncomfortable because i thought he would want as much distance as possible between him and such a mistake. He tells me i shouldn't be bothered by it, that i have no right to be and carries on being involved with her, only becoming ever more secretive about it. One night he was broadcasting his radio show and i was there, all dressed up with a bottle of champagne, it was supposed to be a fun romantic thing for us to do together, but he was having an msn convo with her, clicking off the screen every time i came near - eventually giving in when i commented on what he was doing and letting me see that it was her he was talking to - she asked if she could come round and do the radio show with him and he said no, had it under control. End of. No mention of me. That REALLY hurt - that he didn't even mention me!! Surely, it would have been natural to say "Thanks but my girl's here helping me - we've got it under control"??? After that it got worse - seeing him so flagrantly disregarding my feelings i grew more snappy whenever her name was mentioned, eventually he dropped plans to record new music with her but i know he did it grudginly and resented me for it. Proven when he sent her an email behind my back saying "i'm sorry, i still think about you and care about you". But worse was when she called our house at 2am and asked if we could let her bf stay because he'd missed his last bus home and "i'm not allowed bf's and you know definitely not to stay". I was outraged, but we put her bf up for the night. My bf said i had no right to be upset that she could ask such a thing. I couldn't beleive that he could see that it was simply inappropriate in the extreme. Anyway - this girl has been a point of contention ever since. Even though i know it is over between them i don't think he is over the strange mix of pride and guilt he had for her and i simply cannot see why he would insist on keeping her in his life to such a degree when he knows that it upsets me - the girl he is supposed to love! I believe that a relationship is driven by feelings and that you have to respect your partners feelings for a relationship to work. Is it wrong for me to feel that this girl has no business being at such close quarters in his life?
burning 4 revenge Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 So let me see. You're 30 and he's 25. That makes you 5 years older. He's 25 and she's 18. That makes him seven years older. I don't see much difference.
SmoochieFace Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I don't see much difference. 18 versus 30... not much difference... hmmm...
Author zara Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 Ok, the age thing is only a part of this whole picture but i do think there is a difference. When a manpursues a relationship with a 15 year old child, and yes, 15 is still very much childhood, particularly for someone who is very protected by her parents and not allowed boyfriends (he used to go round for dinner at her parents and say he was helping her with her homework.. true i guess but still) that is not an equal, adult or healthy relationship (her subsequent drug use and promiscuity are something he feels still guilty and angry about). Maybe i do take the moral highground here because i would never of dreamed of getting involved with a man seven years older at the age of 15 because i knew it was not healthy - as much as any 15 year old wants to be grown up, very few actually are.
Author zara Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 Ok, the age thing is only a part of this whole picture but i do think there is a difference. Age matters less as you get older - a 33 year old with a 23 year old fine, take the same gap ten years down and it is not so. And the younger you are the more important age gaps are - there are only 6 years between a 13 year old and a 19 year old but i'd be disturbed by that relationship. When a man pursues a relationship with a 15 year old child, and yes, 15 is still very much childhood, particularly for someone who is very protected by her parents and not allowed boyfriends (he used to go round for dinner at her parents and say he was helping her with her homework.. true i guess but still) that is not an equal, adult or healthy relationship (her subsequent drug use and promiscuity are something he feels still guilty and angry about). Maybe i do take the moral highground here because i would never of dreamed of getting involved with a man seven years older at the age of 15 because i knew it was not healthy - as much as any 15 year old wants to be grown up, very few actually are.
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