Guest abc Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I will try to keep this from being too long. I have become overly emotionally involved with my sister in law. After living with her boyfriend and father of her 6 yr old for 8 years, she married him. However, it was obvious to everyone that she was not happy with her decision. So, foolishly, I reached out to her behind my wife’s back to see how she was doing. I just wanted to provide some pep talks so she wouldn’t get too depressed. Well, that led to e-mails, and while we never slept together or have even met together one on one, she started sharing all kinds of private thoughts and details on her life. I returned the favor, and the next thing I know it’s about about 6 weeks, and I was thinking about her everyday. What I didn’t know was just how messed up she is. She recently went chasing after some guy she had had an affair with prior to getting married. They were supposed to meet at a local casino, but she couldn’t find him. As a result, she wrote several bad checks on top of other bad checks she has written. Turns out this is the second time she has done this in the last few months. Plus, neither she nor her husband has a job right now so bills in general are piling. To make a long story short, she convinced me to try to get my wife to help her out with some money. I tried, but she wouldn’t follow through whenever she would talk to my wife, so I was left trying to do all the lobbying. Why I got involved I don’t know. She is very attractive, and I lost all logical reasoning plus I have gotten to know her to well over the years. At this point, I think she still thinks I think of her as just a good friend although she probably secretly would want me to be more. It’s clear I need to end this, and as of now I have gone no contact. I have not responded to her last e-mail to me. The question is as to whether I owe her one more e-mail saying that we need to quit talking for whatever reason, or should I just ignore her all together. I will see her at family get togethers. Any advice?
once removed Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Ouch that’s a hard on. If it’s all been clean as you say my first advice would be to talk this over with your wife. If you don’t her sister probably will if you just go NC and she gets hurt. I would also send her an email telling her you need to check back into your own life. And while you care what happens to her because she is family your family has to and does come first. If she will not take the hint then just block her emails. Avoid her at all cost and be there for your wife.]
Guest Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 If it’s all been clean as you say my first advice would be to talk this over with your wife. If you don’t her sister probably will if you just go NC and she gets hurt. Thanks. My wife does know that I care for and have talked to her sister on occassion, but more under the impression that I was arranging for baby sitting, helping with her husband's resume, or other errands. Also, my wife knows that I was trying to help out with the bad check. I have also asked my wife for support with the family as I said that I tend to get too wrapped up in their problems and trying to hard to help out. So, we are going to work on avoiding them as much as possible. I will see them all this weekend as my birthday is coming up. We will see how that goes. The big risk is that she does not know about the e-mails, some of which start to go over the line between right and wrong in terms of support. That's the part I would prefer to keep quiet. Although, part of me wonders if I should just tell her anyway. I would also send her an email telling her you need to check back into your own life. And while you care what happens to her because she is family your family has to and does come first. If she will not take the hint then just block her emails. Avoid her at all cost and be there for your wife. I did send an e-mail to my sister in law asking for no more e-mails, but that I would support her fully in the family context. My hunch is that she will be fine with that. She really is a good person, and she loves her sister very much. She may say something to my wife some day out of spite but probably not. The bigger risk is someone accidentally seeing one of the e-mails one day. Any other advice?
once removed Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 ]Lies even little lies to spar someone’s feelings break the connection between two people. Do you want this over your head for the rest of you marriage. Can you check back in with these lies still there or will part of you always be disconnected because you know there is an out ]Granted I have no room to talk I am the one that checked out. LOL but I got in back in spades because the MM I was talking to checked out on me and was not only caring on a EA with me but a r/l A with someone else. And in the end it was not that he was sleeping with someone that hurt it was the lies. I can forgive him his wrong doing but I can not forgive the lies. It broke the first rule between us So in the end you will do what you think is right. But like I said before block her emails, block her IM’s and figure out where you want to go from here. If you want your wife check in to your life together if you don’t move on.
reneet Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Thanks. My wife does know that I care for and have talked to her sister on occassion, but more under the impression that I was arranging for baby sitting, helping with her husband's resume, or other errands. Also, my wife knows that I was trying to help out with the bad check. I have also asked my wife for support with the family as I said that I tend to get too wrapped up in their problems and trying to hard to help out. So, we are going to work on avoiding them as much as possible. I will see them all this weekend as my birthday is coming up. We will see how that goes. The big risk is that she does not know about the e-mails, some of which start to go over the line between right and wrong in terms of support. That's the part I would prefer to keep quiet. Although, part of me wonders if I should just tell her anyway. You can sit both your wife & sister-in-law down together & discuss the situation. Let them both know how you feel. Take it from there. Be honest!! I did send an e-mail to my sister in law asking for no more e-mails, but that I would support her fully in the family context. My hunch is that she will be fine with that. She really is a good person, and she loves her sister very much. She may say something to my wife some day out of spite but probably not. The bigger risk is someone accidentally seeing one of the e-mails one day. Any other advice? Sit them down & be honest! Both your wife & sister-in-law should be present together with you.
Guest abc Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Sit them down & be honest! Both your wife & sister-in-law should be present together with you. I will consider that as I hadn't thought of this approach. However, I am fairly certain that this will have a 50/50 chance of ending my marriage and a %100 chance of destroying any relationship between my wife and sister in law as my wife seems to tolerate her to begin with. The irony is how much this has made me realize how much I love my wife and kids. They really are the world to me, and the other exchanges were just my stupid ego getting in the way. I will see how the weekend goes and probably need to have a one on one with counselor before taking this kind of step. Question: If I do do this, should I give any heads up to my SIL or just drop it on them both at the same time?
Guest abc Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Well, she wrote me back and said she understood and agreed. So, what sucks is that over the years, I’ve gotten to know her very well, and have to come to love her in a way. I would say I love her like a sister but there is a sexual attraction that gets in the way and makes me say stupid things. Anyway, she really is a good person underneath. She just has this compulsive personality where she makes really stupid choices. And it makes me really, really sad. So, I got caught up in trying to play the hero and be the one that saved her, and totally underestimated the emotional connection it would establish. I won’t say any of this to her because that would suck me back in again. Just need to vent somewhere. So, it’s like a good/bad thing. Like I said, I need to give it time. If I am going to say anything to my wife, I will need to think through the right thing to say. Also, I plan to go visit someone for counseling, probably clergy. This is a good sign that I need to get back in touch with my spiritual side. For what it’s worth, I may post again in the future for more advice as a wrestle with this a little more. I appreciate the non-judgmental approach people take towards these things around here. Finally, I will say that I don’t see how people can have affairs that last for years. The emotional drain from just a few weeks has been intense. Yet, I now know that they emotional connections can come out of nowhere in very unexpected ways. I wish everyone here the best as they work through things.
reneet Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 I will consider that as I hadn't thought of this approach. However, I am fairly certain that this will have a 50/50 chance of ending my marriage and a %100 chance of destroying any relationship between my wife and sister in law as my wife seems to tolerate her to begin with. The irony is how much this has made me realize how much I love my wife and kids. They really are the world to me, and the other exchanges were just my stupid ego getting in the way. I will see how the weekend goes and probably need to have a one on one with counselor before taking this kind of step. Question: If I do do this, should I give any heads up to my SIL or just drop it on them both at the same time? Are you able to bring your wife & sil to the counselor's office? That might be easier for all of you if a mediator is there. Reread the paragraph about The irony is..... That says it all!!!!
movinon05 Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 I see no reason to drag them both into this at this point. The SIL understands and he is checking back into the marriage. Put it to bed. Go to your counselor if you have to. If it comes back at some time, address it then. But if you have already been working on your marriage and you have a good marriage, it won't mean much. Hopefully everyone has deleted all their e-mails. Move forward, not backward.
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