Why Won't He Cut the Cord?!?!?

[prrthd1]

First of all, I'll summarize the situation in as few words as possible:

 

I've known M for about 5-6 years. He is a pretty good friend of my mom's. He divorced last October and has a toddler. We began talking daily at the the end of March and went out for the first time at the end of April. Everything was perfect. I fell in love and I thought he felt the same way. He told me he had never felt like this about anyone before and would talk about the future all the time. He told my mom and a couple of other people that he knew I was the kind of girl he wanted to be with and that would take care of him. Then at the end of June he suddenly said he needed time to think and he would call me. He told my mom he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup and we would be fine. That was 10 weeks ago. Five weeks ago I found out that he was seeing a 19 year old (he's 34, I'm 23) that he had met before he even started talking to me. He had told me all about her and that she wouldn't leave him alone, but that he wasn't interested in her. He said she was extremely immature and he knew that he and I have the same goals and he wanted to share those with me. My car got egged at his house one night and even told me he knew she was the one who did it! (Why he wants to date someone that immature, I can't understand).

 

I gave him his space and didn't try to contact him. After four weeks of NC, I had to go to his business (not unusual, this is how our families met). He came up and talked to me, but it was all business and when I got ready to leave he said "Good to see you," and that was it! So, I called him that night and said we needed to talk, but he had his daughter and I didn't want to get into anything in front of her, so I told him to call me back. Two days later, he came to my office to pick my car up for service. I had gone on an errand, so he said he would wait for me to get back. When I got to my office and when I went to his to pick my car up, he was joking around about stuff we did. I handed him the money for the service and he said he would have taken care of it, but he only had two dollars. Before I left, I again said I needed to talk to him and he said he would give me a call and asked if that meant he was in trouble??? A week went by and I didn't hear from him, so I tried to call again and he sent me to voicemail. I left a nice message saying I wasn't going to go off on him or anything, that everything I needed to say was good. Well, 30 minutes later I found out he was dating the 19 year old, so I called back and left another message saying that I knew he was seeing her and that he should have just told me that instead of making me and everyone else think that we were just taking a break. Needless to say, he never returned my call.

 

Then, two weeks ago I was at his business again. I was standing at the drop-off and mom was waiting for me outside. She said when I pulled in, he got up from where he was and came straight out to talk to me. He tried to be friendly and make conversation, but I kept it short, mainly b/c it still hurts to look at him. When I went back to get my car, he was sitting in a corner with my uncle and another guy we used to hang out with. My car wasn't ready, so I went over and started talking to my uncle and the other guy. M wouldn't even look at me! Why did he make a point to come and talk to me the first time, then couldn't look at me a couple of hours later????

 

Yesterday he called my best friend who is a travel agent b/c he needed a ticket that she had booked when we were still dating. (The last time he called her, it was to ask what she thought about a date he was taking me on). He was all friendly and stuff on the phone. He went to her office today to get the ticket. She said he was looking at a picture of me on her desk and she just said, "ya know, a phone call would have been nice." He had no response. She also mentioned that the service charge had been put on my credit card, and he didn't say anything to that either.

 

KINDA LENGTHY, BUT THAT SUMS UP ALL CONTACT WE HAVE HAD.

 

Anyhoo, the main problem is that we know so many of the same people. He works with my uncle, is a friend of my mom's, and sees several other relatives and friends on a regular basis. The same with me - I have known some of his family for years and have seen them since and they talk about how shocked they were that we broke up and how they're pulling for me. When he sees my family and friends, he acts as though nothing happened and is as friendly as can be.

 

He is sending so many mixed signals, I don't know what to think. I know, him dating someone else should be a clear sign, but here are some examples of why I can't let go:

 

1. Every time he has seen my mom since the split, he tells her he loves her and asks if she thinks he's scum. He has said things like, "she's a good girl and I want to do right by her," "ya'll are perfect and that's the problem," "I promise I'm going to call her," etc.

 

2. He told his cousin who is a friend of mine that we were just taking a break.

 

3. I have returned his stuff, but not once has he mentioned returning mine.

 

4. His aunt who we used to see like three times a week when we were dating told me that his mother said she thinks he got too serious about me. (Funny thing is - the aunt called last week wanting me to go out with her son, who is M's cousin).

 

5. We work two buildings down from each other and pass each other all the time.

 

6. He won't just call me and get it over with. All he has to say is "I like her more" or "you disgust me" or whatever the reason is.

 

 

I don't know what to do!!! I know it's over for now, but why can't he admit that to me. Knowing that we are going to see each other and each other's families, it looks like he would want to put a peaceful ending on it. I love this guy very much. I love his family. I know I don't need him, but I want him to be a part of my life. I'm finally doing better about not crying all the time, etc. but I still miss him. I'm even open to dating someone else b/c I know I have to move on, but I would like to try again with him.

 

Why won't he just make the call he promised he was going to make and get it over with? Why did he even ask me out in the first place if he knew the new girl before he had anything to do with me? Why hasn't he offered to bring my stuff back?

 

Let me know what ya'll think!

[prrthd1]

My mom seems to think that he may be in some sort of trouble with this girl, more specifically, he got her pregnant before we started dating (although he told me they had not even kissed). She thinks this because this guy has confided in her a lot (not only about me, but about his family and financial problems) and now he won't give her any clue about what happened. She hasn't pressed him for anything and has tried to stay out of it, but he is the one saying stuff like "you know I love you," and "we'll always be friends."

 

She thinks it makes sense for the girl to be pregnant and that is why he ended it so suddenly with me. Like I said, they were making plans about my birthday just a couple of days before.

 

She also thinks this because I thought he was going to cry the day he ended it with me???????

[prrthd1]

Uh oh, I may have just made a mistake but it felt good. I passed him earlier this evening with the girl in the car. It hurt, BAD! Especially since I just keep hoping that he'll wake up and see the light and break up with her.

 

Anyway, I came home and sent him a nasty email about how I wasn't going to play nice any more and he needed to give me an answer. I told him I was tired of him lying to me and my family and he needed to get the balls to tell me what changed everything because I couldn't take the awkwardness any more. Problem is, I tried to play b***h for about the first half of the email and then I went in to how it was torture to have to see him and his family all the time and how much I missed his parents and his daughter. I even told him I how much I cared about him, which I know is a mistake, but it's true.

 

I did come off meaner than he's ever seen me though. He always said he didn't think I had the "wrath" in me. I just think it's time he knows how much he hurt me.

 

BAD MOVE?

[hooghie]

Yes, HORRIBLE move.

He already HAS told you. He stopped calling, he makes no effort to spend time with you, your friend gives him hints that he ignores, he doesn't respons when you basically throw yourself at him- what more do you want? He was too much of a wuss to tell you in person but you know now and I bet from where he stands- you're acting kind of crazy.

 

I don't really get why you'd want to be with him after he treated you this way. Have some self respect and move on.

[garnet]

This guy sounds like a real loser. Period. In the long run I think you'll be glad that things ended when they did before you got in any deeper. And 34 dating a 19 year old, especially one who egged your car? There is something seriously wrong with this picture. You don't want to be involved with a guy like this, he sounds like big time trouble.

 

Please do not contact him again. Whenever you feel tempted to call him, just keep telling yourself that you deserve someone and something much better than this, and keep moving with your head held high. By sending him mean messages you are simply playing his game and lowering yourself to his level. There is no need to engage in this behavior. You're better than that, I know you are. It's his loss.

[prrthd1]

Yeah, I know I deserve better. But, the thing is, things were so GREAT when we were together. He made me really happy and he seemed happy, too. He said so many things about our future, not just to me, that it makes it harder to let go. I know that I don't NEED him, but I WANT to be with him.

 

I had to get all of that off my chest, that's why I sent the email. I've done really well about acting like I don't care when I see him, but I couldn't take it any more. This is a guy that I have contact with on a daily basis and was considered a close family friend. I can't stand having to be reminded of him constantly.

[prrthd1]

Well, he responded to the email much quicker that I thought he would. It looks like his three year old typed it, but I thought I'd put his response on here. Let me know what you all think!

 

Here you go:

 

***"yes, i read the letter, and this email. as far as your mother goes, i love

her too, always have, always will. i don't see why things have got to be

weird or awkward, somtimes things just don't work out, theres nothing wrong

with you at all, you're a beautiful woman, and a great person. no, i didn't

handle things the way i would have liked given my relationship with your

family, but that doesn't change that relationship, i hope not anyway. as for

what went wrong, yes i'm going out with nikki, and i wish you and whoever

the best, like i said, please don't feel weird around me, my family, or

addyson, i don't feel different around yours, i can't make myself feel one

way or another, you just do or don't, like you said, we know alot of the

same people so i really hope things can be like they were before we went

out"***

[hooghie]

I think he pretty much explained it to you as if YOU are the 3 year old. HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU IN THAT WAY. He said it as nicely as he can. Now, you need to move on.

You say the relationship was great- well, if it WAS great- it isn't now because there isn't one. You can't have things 1 way and trust me, you don't want it that way.

Stop making yourself look like such an idiot and MOVE ON.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Maybe he is in love with your mum.

[prrthd1]

Funny comment about my mom, but like I said, they have been friends for years. I just don't know what to do. I know - get over it and move on seems to be the general response, but it isn't that easy when you love someone.

 

I just don't understand it. He was the one pursuing me. He made daily visits and calls for a month before we even went out for the first time. When we were dating, he would say things about us building a house and the kind of life we could have. He would say "where were you before I got married and divorced?, " "you're to good to be true."..... Why do men say those things one day and then blow you off the next? It's MISERABLE. He made me think he wanted us to be together for a long time. Everyone, my family and his, was shocked that he ended it. He acted so happy.

 

I'm trying to go out and get over it, but it doesn't happen overnight. Right now, I just feel like I will never meet anyone that will compare to him. He was good to me and everything just clicked in our worlds. I don't know if I'll ever find someone that good-looking and nice and sweet. I feel like he will be the one I never get over.

 

I know I've got to move on for now. The emails finally cut the cord. But, do men ever do this and then wake up one day and realize what they've left behind and come running back? Could this just be him sewing his oats due to his recent divorce?

[swirly27]

There is no easy answer to why this happens - except that it just does. I dated a guy a couple years ago that pursued me for 2 months, asking me out and what not. When we did meet and started dating, he used to tell his friends I was his future wife. We only lasted a few months and then he wasn't into it enough to keep the LDR going - so what happened with him? I really don't know, except things change. Men and women can get very caught up in new relationships, the new feelings, new physical attractions and the chase. It can all dwindle when real relationship problems, issues or whatever start to occur. Haven't you ever thought some guy was SOOOO great when you first got to know him and then after a little while, he wasn't AS GREAT as you once thought he was. We fantasize and play the person up, that comes from our perceptions of them, which can change over time.

 

I look back now and know that my ex from 2 yrs ago really liked me but for whatever reason, it wasn't enough to continue the LDR and in the long run, I want someone that will want me because it is most important. It hurt like a BIATCH haha especially to think yet another doesn't think you're worth it, but most people aren't that evil - any man I have ever ended things with, it wasn't because they weren't WORTH it, its because I didn't feel the same way for them or like them enough and everyone deserves to be with someone that wants them for them and can love them with all their heart. So look at this as a blessing so you can now be free to meet someone that will make you happy.

[Guest]

everyone deserves to be with someone that wants them for them and can love them with all their heart. So look at this as a blessing so you can now be free to meet someone that will make you happy.

 

 

But what if you don't ever meet someone that wants to be with you for the long haul? What if I never do? I have flaws...what if no one wants to stay with me once they realize my flaws. I can only think that the ones who have quit loving me so far have just gotten to know me better and quit wanting to be with me once I was off of the pedestal. The thing is, I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm a pretty good person, and I am aware of my flaws and I work at trying to improve them, but I just am afraid that there is no one out there. It happens. Lots of people never find that one person and get to stay with them.

[prrthd1]

Every time it rains, it pours. I found out yesterday that I didn't get into the pharmacy school that I've been trying to get in for a year. That, on top of everything with this guy, has made for the worst few weeks of my life. Right now, I'm just feeling like I'm headed nowhere fast. Everything that I wanted my life to be centered around has gone out the window.

 

Those of you who believe in prayer, please remember me. I'm feeling more discouraged than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm usually the strong one who is in control of herself and all of this has really rocked my world. I am really disappointed about not getting into pharm. school, but the one I wanted to share it with, the one who said he wanted to share it with me, the one who encouraged me so much is not around anymore and that hurts worse.

[Guest]

I've had a lot of interest in your situation since you first started posting about it in another thread. I am very sorry that it has turned out the others with their harsh conclusions about why he "needed space"--he was taking the easy/"nice" way out, they said--were right. What I'm more sorry about, though, is how persistently you believe he was the right man for you and that you love him. You were with him for 2 months. Taking the view that you do--that he was perfect, but for some reason doesn't want to be with you--only serves to hurt you. It's masochistic for one thing, and it's plain inaccurate for another. The guy sounds inept, self-serving and me-centered. Plus he has the bad taste to date Nikki, who is 19 and egged your car. Despite his pretty and valiant words to you, she's probably not too immature for him--just the right level, probably--and he's probably NOT someone you want to ride off into the sunset with. He'd probably say he had to use the bathroom during the trip and then never come back. In short, you're being way too easy on him and much too hard on yourself. You have to ask yourself why it is that you've invested so much of your life and feelings in a relationship of 2 months. What is missing in you and your life that is making you so dependent on a flimsy fantasy? If you were more centered and on the path you're meant to be, his vanishing act wouldn't have rocked you as much as it has, and you wouldn't have fallen so hard for his pretty stories and words. I'm sorry that he's such "good friends" with your mother. It must confuse you about the true nature of his character. To me it sounds like he's just a user--he uses your mother emotionally for comfort and confidence, but doesn't have the integrity to treat her daughter with respect. Either that, or he really doesn't know what he's doing. In which case he shouldn't have chased you so hard knowing that he had nothing to give you. Plus he did that to you and still wanted to come out smelling like roses--whining to your mom the whole time about feeling like scum so she could see he was a tormented and sensitive guy and tell him, no, you aren't scum, you're wonderful. He felt like scum because he is scum.

 

If I were you, I'd work on _yourself_, instead of working to figure out what he's thinking and why he's doing what he's doing. You're still very young, and probably quite talented and capable. You'll get into pharmacy school eventually, or whatever else you set yourself on doing. I know it's cold comfort at this point, but you've got to trust the long view and have faith in yourself. A year from now imagine yourself in a very empowered state. I guarantee you the guy who's been jerking you around will be stuck in nowheresville, and he won't be getting any younger (he's a good decade older than you) He'll be the one envying _you_ because you'll have your life ahead of you and you'll be your wonderful self, but you'll be knowing that you're wonderful. The best comfort you can give yourself, and the best revenge you can take--go ahead, be a b-----, is to have a happy and successful life, with a strong foundation of self-love. My advice for you is to read the 2 books _Why Men Love Bitches_, and _Why Men Marry Bitches_. I'd also read _He's Scared, She's Scared_. You've got a ways to go in learning to love yourself better, and protecting yourself from selfish and confused men who have nothing to give you. And you deserve it.

[prrthd1]

Thanks for the responses, guest person. I know I don't deserve what he did to me. I am going out, having fun, making new friends, etc. Basically, I'm rediscovering me and having fun doing it. The bottom line is - this hurt me so bad because I thought he could be trusted. Knowing him for as long as I have, and being that he had a solid relationship with many of my friends and family, I thought he was a stand-up guy from what I've seen. Silly me!

 

Ya'll remember the emails I posted about on here? Well, I'm sharing this with everybody because I find it funny and it makes me feel better.

 

A friend of mine called this morning and said she had been out to where my ex works to pick up something for her truck. She said he came up to her and hugged her and they started talking. He said something to her like "You never called me back about that new truck you called about a couple of weeks ago." She replied "Oh, I didn't really want a new truck, I just wanted you to know what it feels like to expect a phone call and never get it." He didn't say anything back to her; he just changed the subject. THEN, he told her I'd sent him an email last week that "ripped him a new one." He said he sent one back and I replied back and "ripped him another new one." She told him "Good for her. It's about time she let you have it." She didn't know that I had sent the b****y email and called to ask if he was telling the truth, which he was.

 

It made me feel better knowing that it got to him. I just can't believe he admitted it to her.

[Guest]

I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying your life and less in touch with the pain of the situation. You have to remember that if it feels painful it's not because of who you are or what you did, but who he is and how he reacts. Relationships and love shouldn't have to feel that way, and with the right guy, that sort of pain won't happen. So I hope you feel something like relief and peacefulness right now. You should be feeling those things because they're what you're allowing yourself to feel, not because they're what he's allowing you to feel. (No one deserves that sort of power over oneself.) I am so convinced that this guy is a big Love Loser, especially after hearing how he reponded to your friend about her phone call and your email messages. It's all about HIM, HIM, HIM. By the way, it sounds like you have awesome friends, and that's worth a lot of emotional gold. I know it must be totally confusing to have this guy be represented to you as a good guy for such a long time and then have to find out that even with family friends you need to be watchful and take things with a grain of salt. It sounds like too that you're too ready to submit to promises and dreams, so a lot of guys can take advantage of that. I'd just be aware of that and learn your lesson from this experience.

 

This is so not what you need to hear--I really think it's best for you to move on and just find a really 1st class guy who'd never do to you what this guy did--but at this point, because you're getting independent and not automatically turning him into your love god the way you were before, he'll probably be wanting you back. Men are pretty predictable that way, esp. when they cut off abruptly the way he did with you in that commitmentphobiic way. But knowing that gives you more control in this situation and all future ones. Don't show your hand too soon to anyone and know that you win everything when you put yourself first, and treat yourself like a queen and expect to be treated like one too.

 

Good luck!

[prrthd1]

Thanks again Guest person! I am now past the point of letting my life revolve around reconciling with him. Don't get me wrong, I still love and care for him and would most definitely give him another chance; but, I'm not going to let that prevent me from seeing anyone else. However, if he does ever realize he screwed up and come crawling back, there have to be certain stipulations. First of all, he would have to prove his trust to me all over again. Secondly, I have to know that if it doesn't work out again, it will end on good terms.

 

My plan now is to go out with my friends and have fun. I know we will eventually run into each other. If he sees me dancing and flirting and having fun, he will see what he's missing out on. Don't worry, if I do see him I'm going to act like he doesn't even exist. I think that's the best way to show him I'm over and am fine with it. That will probably get to him more than anything.

[countryheart]

hey i'm really sorry abuot everything that happened and that your luck (or lack there of) pretty much sucks right now....but it has to get better. really, it is. i would try and move on because he is acting like an immature baby, not being able to tell you how he really feels. so either he feels really guilty about what he's done and is embarrassed or he's just an ass! it's so high school to break up in an email, honey.

[prrthd1]

Thanks CountryHeart. Luck is something that I just don't have right now, but I'm hanging in there. I am moving on in that I'm not letting my life revolve around whether he comes back or not. The comments to my friend about the emails I sent him show me that he must be feeling a little guilty. It just would've been nice if he could have said to me, "I'm sorry for hurting you. I was wrong. I just felt like it wasn't working with us and I wanted to be with her." That was all I needed.

 

BTW, he didn't exactly break up with me in the email. Grant it, it took me sending him a nasty email for him to tell me it just didn't work out; but, we hadn't been together in 11 weeks by the time I sent that and I knew he was seeing her when I sent it. You're right - he still never has told me how he feels about what happened or about me, etc. Maybe he is just an ass! But he should the decency not to be an ass to someone he's known this long and will continue to see.

[prrthd1]

I've been posting on the Coping board lately, but thought I would put an update here. I've been having a hard time since this past weekend. I thought about my ex continuously on Saturday, then I went and did some outdoorsy stuff on Sunday and all I could think about was how much he would enjoy stuff like that.

 

Then, Monday I found out he had the 19 yr old at church with him again. (A lady I work with goes to his church, as well as my ex's cousin who is a good friend of mine). I've heard stuff like, "She looks like a very unattractive 12 yr old," "He didn't look too happy," "Someone asked his sister if he was still messing with that kid and she said she didn't know what the deal was with that." The more I hear, the more I wonder why he wants to be with her. He told me he had no interest in her, what changed his mind? I know I shouldn't be worried about that at this point; he made his decision and went with her. But, it hurts.

 

I tend to over-analyze EVERYTHING and lately I've been thinking about the saying I love you issue. A lot of people have asked me if we had said that to each other. No, we didn't get to that point but I felt it was coming soon. After we would make love, we would just stare at each other for what seemed like hours. It was though we both wanted to say it but didn't. HOWEVER, I've been wondering why he didn't just say it? Now, it looks like all the future plans he made for us were a lie, him telling me how much he cared for me was a lie, him telling my mom I was "the one" was a lie, him telling my aunt I was the kind of girl he could marry was a lie...........Why didn't he just go ahead a say "I love you?" He had no problem lying to me about everything else, what does saying that hurt??

 

Being that we have a long history (between our families, etc.), I don't see why he can't at least apologize. He says he wants things to go back to the way they were before we dated, but does he seriously think my family will forget what he did to me? I'm seriously starting to think that he feels guilty and is too embarassed to face up to it. Here's why:

 

My mom went to a college football game Labor Day weekend and it happened to be the team my ex pulls for. Him and my mom had talked about it when we were dating and he asked her to bring him a shirt back. Well, my mom did buy him a shirt even though we broke up three months ago and he has treated me like crap. She took it to his office and he wasn't there so she left it on his desk with a note that said, "I keep my promises. Love, Mom." He never even called to tell her thank you or anything. When she has given him something in the past, he has called to say thanks and tries to pay her back. Sure, she was trying to make him feel bad, but he deserved it. He still says they are friends, they were friends before we dated, and he will always love her.

 

When a friend of mine went to his business last week he mentioned that mom had bought him a shirt. My friend said, "Well, she's a lot nicer than me because if you had treated my daughter the way you treated her's I wouldn't give you ****." He said "That wasn't very nice." She replied "Well you haven't been very nice."

 

Anyway, I have just been really down the past few days. I still miss him. I still love him. I still want him back. I just don't understand why he can't just say he's sorry or something. Especially since he knows we will have contact in one way or another. Maybe he's too embarassed to face me? Or maybe he just doesn't give a ****??

[Guest]

I'm sorry to hear you are still in so much pain--or that it's gotten worse recently. That's just the way it goes in break-ups--the pain and awkwardness comes and goes in waves. But there're also a lot of things you could be doing to manage and control the pain and its impact.

 

First, your mom giving him that shirt really didn't help matters for you. I think the "situation"--the so-called problem of your crossed social/family connections-- has become an excuse for you to hold onto him and keep wondering. On one hand you ask, why won't he cut the cord, on the other hand, you wonder why he has. It's clear that he has. Just realizing it once and for all, no matter how brutal it is, can be the only way you can feel the freedom of being stuck on this going-nowhere situation. The more you stay stuck, the more the situation is going to work against your feelings of self-worth and independence. Stop wondering about the why he's dones and why he hasn'ts.

 

There're no judgments here anymore--it's not about whether or not he's a good or bad guy. You know deep in your heart no answer he gives will be the right one--the only one you're willing to hear is that he's sorry, he made a mistake and he wants you back. He's given you lots of answers already. You owe it to yourself to listen to your gut instincts--you've been 2nd-guessing yourself constantly and feeling depressed and anxious because you've been resisting the truth you don't want to admit to yourself. It's over between you two. It's only after you admit it to yourself can you start feeling any of the relief and healing that he is never going to give to you.

 

In the meantime, what you, your mother and friends have been doing--questioning, manipulating with gifts (now is not the time to be giving them), scolding him--is only going to make him retreat him even more. It hadn't worked in the past few months and it's not going to work now. By "work" I mean, have him give you "an explanation," dump Nikki, and/or come back to you. He's just going to keep running and hiding because he feels chased and persecuted. I don't feel sympathy for him--it's just practical knowledge of human behavior.

 

I told you this before, and I'm telling you again. Go work on yourself. Stop wondering about him, stop talking about him with your friends and about what he's doing, ask your mom to stop telling you about her own interactions with him if she's going to continue to have them. Request that your friends do the same. You've dug yourself deeper into the center of your pain by keeping all those connections alive. You're going to have to find a way to make the transition more gracefully than you have been.

 

The more you question, the more you make excuses about how you're still connected through friends and family, the more you're choosing to stay stuck in the situation and the pain. At this point these feelings are your own choice. He's not making you feel them. You are. You have got to move on. If you're still having problems letting go by this point, I think you need to see a counselor. You need to be wondering about how you're going to get yourself into pharmacy school, not about him, and I think this is a way for you to avoid facing the much greater and more serious--but way more gratifying if confronted properly--unknown of your own future.

 

I know what I'm saying is a lot more harsh than what I've been saying in the past. But I don't think you've been getting what I meant, and I don't think you realize to what extent you're creating the pain you're feeling for yourself--at this point. It's meant to be liberating, and to put you back in touch with your own agency and strength--to tell you this--not to make you feel bad or worse, though I know it's a hard notion to swallow.

[Guest]

I went to the other thread you started on your situation and read what you said about being given a prescription, but holding back on taking it. I do think you should go on the medication as soon as possible. It's foolish to think that you can "kick it on your own." I think that's a symptom of depressive thinking--to place the blame on yourself if you can't get out of the mindset by yourself. When you've been suffering for as long as you have, it's really hard to distinguish healthy, non-self-sabotaging thinking from over-analyzing self-sabotaging thinking. I also think it'd help you a lot to see a therapist with whom you can analyze your reactions and feelings effectively and be trained to think about them more clearly, instead of focusing on him so much. You can't afford to lose more months in this punishing situation. It's one of the hardest things in life to have to let go of someone you love, and it's also one of the most soul and character-building experiences too. Unfortunately he wasn't ready to meet you on the level you were, though he said he was and led you on that path--but this is also another fact of life. Men have a hard time dealing with intense emotions and often behave badly as a result. Sometimes, too, they go to the sort of person who'll protect them from having to deal with their own feelings in a more grown-up manner. This fact doesn't mean that you should hang in there and have bottomless compassion for him, and wait for him to come to his senses. You need to find a way to recover from the hell you've been going through--and, yes, putting yourself through, though a lot of it may be the result of a depressive mindset--and get as far away from the miserable space you've been in for the past several months. It's not good to be as unhappy as you have for this long--you really owe it to yourself to get help and start seeing there's a great big wonderful world out there for you to explore and enjoy, and maybe someday with someone who can receive what you have to give AND give it back to you.

[prrthd1]

Thanks for the responses, Guest. I am now taking the medication and I've scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I have to figure out why I can't let go of this.

 

It's funny you said that he wasn't ready to move to the level I was ready for. I had to let a wall down to come up to his level, or at least the level I thought he wanted to be at - and that's why I think I'm having a hard time letting go of him. In my heart I believe he meant those things, but then suddenly realized what he was getting himself into. Maybe he knows there won't be intense emotions with a 19 yr old?

 

And also, I'm still bothered by the fact that he didn't just talk about the future with me, but with my family and friends - even when I wasn't around. He has an old rusty car he is restoring and we went out riding in it one night. He called my mom the next day and told her he couldn't believe that I didn't say anything about riding in a junk car. He said his ex-wife wouldn't even let him park it in the driveway. Mom said he told her he had decided to paint his car the same color as mine (I have the newer model of the same vehicle) and we could match and how cool it would be to have pictures of them side by side. When I was buying my car, he told the financial guy who is a friend of his to get the payments as low as possible because he would probably be making the payments eventually.

 

Anyway, I could go on and on. The point is he didn't just say these things to me, but to other people as well and I just don't get why???

[Guest]

Good for you! I think one of the reasons why I'm so drawn to your situation is because it's something a lot of women have experienced, and it's one of the hardest, most painful things to have happen. I really think you should read _He's Scared, She's Scared_--it'll make a lot more sense to you how he could have been so romantic and infatuated and then backed off without warning. I'm sure he meant everything he said to you too, and cares for you still. Don't get caught up in trying to prove it to yourself. What he did was paint a very pretty picture of your future together and then realize he was way in over his head. You seem to forget that he's just gotten out of a divorce and probably still has a lot of issues tied up with that, and with his ex-wife. And, I'm sure it'll make you feel better to hear this--he probably is with Nikki because that's his "thing"--his weakness. First, you're right, she's not going to make him feel the intensity of real and _committed_ love--something that's grown-up and proven through time and actions, NOT words--because she's just a kid, and he probably has a weakness for domineering, shrewish women because they can do all the feeling and acting out and he doesn't have to feel or do much of anything. He probably doesn't have very much self-esteem, either, so it's more natural for him to be with a woman who's not that pretty, nice or smart (which I bet you are). He probably enjoyed the process of chasing and wooing you, and then when you got hooked, he could see how deep and real your own feelings were, and he panicked. He could also probably see what a quality person you are, and he just didn't know if he could measure up in that way--and he probably resents you for that. You remind him too much of his own lack. He just knew deep inside he's not enough of a man for you, or for the sort of relationship he kept saying he wanted--or at least the part of it that required actual delivery. The best thing to do is to _LET HIM GO_. Let go and let God, as they say. Just because you know you do love him despite his own insecurity and weakness doesn't mean you can make him feel ready for a relationship with you. Say, too bad, isn't it a shame how things work out like that way in life sometimes, and keep moving on. Work out the narrative you need for yourself to move on and look at it as a learning experience. Your life is going to be changing--or should be changing--very soon in the next few years. You may or may not even want him back in your life. Maybe you'll want someone more mature, sophisticated, more wise and traveled. You dealt with everything in a very generous and kind-hearted way. Pat yourself on the back for that. Have faith and believe that no matter what, you're going to be putting yourself in the position where you're the one with choices for yourself, and whatever happens, you'll be fine and complete in yourself. Those are things in life that go way beyond the price of those pretty dreams he painted for you. Recognize that they were just that--illusions and promises--and you fell more for them than for who he is in actuality. Right now you just need to survive, take things one day at a time and believe that very soon, there's going to be a day when what happened with him isn't going to hurt you anymore, and you'll be in a very good place with yourself.

[prrthd1]

Thanks for saying all of that, Guest. It was really nice.

 

A friend of mine wrote this to me: " It also mentions that if his ego was bruised from the relationship, he may be trying to settle the score." It stuck out to me because my ex's aunt told my mom that she felt he was moving from girl to girl to try and get back at his ex-wife. Although he told me he was miserable in his marriage and couldn't stand his ex-wife, maybe there was more hurt there than he let on? He did sort of vent to me about things she did to him. Maybe he's still trying to figure all that out?

 

He had only been divorced six months when we started dating. The way I see it, he shouldn't be dating me or anybody else until he finds himself again and knows what he wants. He needs to be alone for while, but men tend to date someone just to fill the void, not necessarily because they think she's the one. The more I think about, the more I think I represented to him what he has always wanted (not being conceited, just going by what his parents told me and things he said to me and my family). He didn't get this from his marriage; she was not his ideal wife. Maybe he realized that I was what he was looking for but he's not ready for that yet? I'd rather think that was the problem than thinking he just lost interest in me.