justdontknow Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Before I get to the question I have for all of you, I must give some history. A couple of years ago I become involved with a MM. Much like many of you, it was not something I had planned and is certainly not something I'm proud of. We were friends and looking back now, I guess we found comfort in one another that led us to where we are today. Similarly we had both been in marriages where we felt unloved, unwanted and just basically alone. In my marriage, my emotions, no matter how valid or invalid were unimportant. We never spent holidays or special occasions together, when there was a death in my family, I went alone. His friends always took precedence over me. The MM spoke of similar, maybe not as bad, but general feeling of worthlessness at home. What is it they always say, misery loves company? Well we did. We talked all the time, not just about the stuff that made us unhappy, but sharing our lives, the good and the bad. At some point, I realized, though I think I tried to deny it for some period of time, that I was not doing myself nor my husband any favors by staying in a marriage where we were basically just room mates. We didn't even share a bedroom anymore and hadn't for a long time. He and I both were missing the joy of being in love. It finally occured to me that's why I was never important to him. For that matter, him to me. I made the decision to file for a divorce. I knew that I wanted to have a closeness that he and I didn't and would never have. Not to get to far off subject, back to the MM. Of course the subject of sex came up, it was one of those things that we were both unhappy with in our marriages. In my naiveness and probably his, it never even occured to me that the MM and I had already developed an intimate relationship and while we were both saying friends with benefits, it would never ever remain just friends with benefits because of the way the relationship had already progressed. Needless to say it wasn't long the big "L" word came out and he announced he was going to file for a divorce too. I have to admit I was pretty ecstatic when he made this announcement because I knew that what we had together would be hard to give up and I knew eventually I would have to. For a few months things were going along slow, but ok. We were making plans for the future and making the changes we needed to make to have a future. Then all of the sudden things came to a screeching halt with him. She found out that he and I had been talking and then is was one dramatic event after another. He has been back and forth and telling lie after lie, breaking promise after promise. This has been going on for a year now. This is NOT the man I fell in love with. I never asked him to get a divorce and never would have, but after he promised he wanted to be with me, I expect him to move on with it. We fought to the point where he avoided calling because he knew I was going to be angry. He has finally moved out of the marital house but continues to tell me lies. He says he does it to keep from hurting me. I just don't know. I don't know if all of the things thats happened over the last year has just made me distrusting or if he is really telling me the truth. So my question is, is my distrust/fear going to create my own self fulfilling prophecy in that I will create our doom by not trusting? Or has it all been a lie and he's just keeping me around in the event that he can't make it work with his wife? Thanks for any thoughts or advise you want to share.
once removed Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Let me ask you a questions “don’t you deserve a man that can be 100% honest with you? Do you feel more alone now that the trust has been broken? You can do better sucks at first but you can find yourself a brand new start that will empower you one that can be built right from the get go I wish you the best of luck at what ever you choose… but remember IT’S YOUR CHOSE not his.
movinon05 Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 He lies to you to keep from hurting you??? He's making things go from bad to worse!! My exMM moved out and told me lies too til I found out he was really staying at their home most of the time, and eventually moved back in. Then he told me we had to come up with another plan. He either wants to be married or not. He either wants to be with you or not. Take him to the mat. If he cannot give you a good answer, NC is your only way to go. That will be when he knows what it is like to not have you, and if he can accept that and still go on with his marriage, then you will find out soon enough. You deserve better than to be treated like this. If my exMM ever came back into my life it would never work. He told me so many lies, I could never believe him ever again. Give yourself a chance to be happy with the right one who WILL come along. It may be hard to think that way now, but don't let this go on forever.
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