Isabella82 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I was on here posting about 2 years ago about my ex broke up with me.... never really gave me an explanation. I basically found out that he lied to me that whole entire time. Telling me how happy he was, how he wanted to be with me forever, that I was the one for him, showering me with flowers and gifts, holidays together, etc...... We were together for two years.... but secretly he was going behind my back talking to my parents about how he wanted to break up with me, for a long time.... but never let me know it. To me it totally came out of the blue... but to my parents it was expected. Now after two years I still think about him, especially since my friends seem to bump into him a lot. I have this boyfriend that I have been with for 1 year now, and I love him, but sometimes I still wonder what went wrong? Do you think that it is wrong for me to still think this way after 2 years! I mean the break up was very hard for me, and maybe I still feel this way because he basically went from calling my 20 times a day to never talking to me ever again. He told me that he needed to find himself and that we would get back together..... Is it strange that I feel this way?
superconductor Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Do you think that it is wrong for me to still think this way after 2 years! ... Is it strange that I feel this way? Yes to both, unfortunately. Letting this event consume you two full years hence borders on obsession. See a therapist.
simon_uk Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 What?!?!?!?! he was telling your parents and they never thought to tell you? They just let you believe everything was fine? Dont think I have ever heard anything so sad in my life.
Author Isabella82 Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 Yes seeing a therapist, I have done that before. It helped me, but I stopped going. I wouldn't really say an obession it was before but not anymore. I just still wonder why someone would do such a thing. I wonder if he has a g/f etc.... I do not want to be with him or anything... I just am still hurt by it. My parents never told me because they were just waiting for me to go to them.... but my ex told me to keep our relationship our business and to not get other people involved. So the whole time I kept everything to myself. Even one month before he broke up with me, he was going on about us getting married... it just seems too wierd/ creepy. Do you think maybe because I never really got closure or a reason as to why. We never really even talked after everything I got one drunken phone call during the 4th of July and that was it.
simon_uk Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Well although my relationship wasnt as long as yours I can understand where you are coming from. My ex was telling me a day before she left me how much she loved me and a day before that how she wasnted us to move in together. None of it makes senses and these are the questions we will keep asking. did she really love me or was she lying all this time? or Did she fall out of love overnight? Both of which I have no answer for and I would guess that is why you are still feeling the way you are because you have no answers.
Author Isabella82 Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 Exactly, I mean most break ups there is an understanding as to why, or maybe even a conversation, a phone call. SOMETHING!!! I was left in the dark, with no explanations. That is possibly the worst thing you could do to someone. Treat me like I was trash, and never look back. I mean our mutual friends couldn't really give me any answers, and I think that is why still after all this time I still wonder what was wrong with him?? Or did I do something? It is just hard to not think that when you give someone your all, its still not enough. It has caused much problems in my current relationship, because I still have trust issues.... But regardless I do love my current b/f and I know I am better off without my ex... but it still hurts thats all that I am saying.
Brittanyjean06 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Actually two years is not abnormal to still be thinking of someone. People want to think after a year or two after your not truely healed, your instead wrong to still be feeling like this. No. That is the cold hard truth about life that pain can take a while. Honestly is two years alot of time to truely get over someone? Or does it take someone else to get you over them. If mutual friends see him than that could also be another reason why your not over him. I'm sure it still bugs you for him to be brought up ...I know a year from now after it already being a year from my breakup , that hearing about my ex would still get me down because I was done so wrongly. Yes go see a therapist but your not crazy to not be over him. I see alot of people hear talking about how they're truely healed after 4 months? and it really does amaze me...I guess some people are different. There are just so many factors in your life that are connected with the ex so its harder to get over him.. Its okay to still be hurting over someone after two years, thats just you and everyone else here is different and might think thats weird of you..well its not I know exactly how you feel and alot of other people do to...
Author Isabella82 Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 Thanks so much for your reply. Everyone seems to think I am nuts to still think about it, but I know there are more people like me. When I fall in love, it takes a while to just forget about it all, especially when we had all these future plans etc... My brother still is not over his ex..... after 5+ years. Mine is not that bad... but I was just wondering... Thanks again I am hoping that with time the pain will go away, I am just still so pissed off about the deception etc.....
swirly27 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Isabella, I feel for you I really do. My situation is not exactly the same, but I am left wondering what the hell happened. I was dating a guy, things were going great, we both seemed mutually into things and then he blew me off one night - wasn't the first time he was blah with stuff, but this night he completely blew me off, no contact no response to previously made plans. I had to contact him the next day to see what happened (which pissed me off right there, he should have called me) and then we talked fine and I even asked him if this just wasn't working for him and he said NO NO NO, he was sorry and he'd talk to me more about it the next day after work....well he never called....I was soo doubly hurt then....he called 9pm that night and acted like everything was fine (when all the red flags were screaming in my head) and I said I wished we had talked....so he said he'd get a shower and come over....and he NEVER SHOWED! I was HEART BROKEN! I sent him a nice text message saying I didn't know what happened but I was sorry things didn't work out with us and to take care. I had tried calling first but he didn't answer and it seemed like there was a hint here I needed to take. That was over 3 weeks ago and I have never heard anything back from him. So, believe me, not knowing something is horrible. I even tried calling him once a week after the ending, to smooth things over and not have it be so weird like that (we have mutual friends) and he never answered or called back. You may never know and then you need to find the closure yourself. It sucks and its hard. The only thing I have heard thus far is some BS he told one of my friends online.....he said I wanted too much and couldn't go with the flow....like that isn't the biggest bunch of excuses I ever heard anyway. Bottom line, you might have heard something it could have been all BS anyway. Good hearted people will give an explanation and be honest, not just disappear and bow out. Thats cowardly and let that be closure enough. We don't want cowards. Focus now on the relationship you do have and how he is there with you, working on a relationship WITH YOU...not disappearing after a drunken phone call. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger! (Don't ya hate that cliche lol)
dgiirl Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I totally agree with Brittanyjean. Yes, on paper, 2 years sounds like a long time. But I bet you are more over him than you were 2 years ago! It doesnt even sound like you are still hung up on him, rather you are remembering a painful event in your life and it still makes you sad. Hell, I grew up with an alcoholic father! When I recall some of the things I had to deal with as a child, I still get sad/angry/scared. It's not like I obsess over the situation on a daily basis and have not moved on, but it still does invoke an emotion 30 years later if I think about it. I think you are just being human. One thing about closure is you are the ONLY one who can give it to you. He could come up with all these different reasons for his actions, but none of them will give you closure, in fact, you'll just have more questions. It's a never ending cycle. When you come up with your own answers, is when the questions will stop. Whatever your brain needs to comprehend the situation give it to yourself. Now if you are obsessively thinking about the past, or you are punishing your new guy because of an old's mistake, then you need to work on that! Counselling is a good idea.
Brittanyjean06 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 It all does have to do with remebering the painful moments, and when those the past creeps up on you its like you syke your self out believing you still feel like that, and in some way you still probaly could.I still can't picture my self getting involved with someone just yet, unless of course I was attracted to him with new feelings but right now I have been single for a year and know I will be single for another year or two...I just know. I think before we ever fall in love we are content and happy with our friends and our life that after getting involved with someone we will as if we need that when we don't, we can learn to be single and happy again and when you do that you put you first in your life, and you have to love your self before loving anyone else.. Don't feel bad guys even 5 years doesn't surprise me, nothing in this life surprises me take care:)
Author Isabella82 Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 dgiirl I am sorry to hear about your past. I agree that it was just one of the most pain fullest times in my life.... not to be dramatic or anything, but it really was. When I talked about it to my mom she told me that she is still hurt about her ex husband, my real dad, because their relationship didn't work out the way she wanted it to.... and she has been remarried for 16 years. Not like I am trying to compare this past relationship to a marriage but you get the picture. I still am hurting and every now and then I wonder if he ever thinks about me.... or feels bad for what he has done. You are right its not an obsession its just every now and then. When we first broke up I was obessed I could not think of anything else except for why... why... why... It even took me over a year to want to have another relationship. So I know I am 95% better then what I used to be. Just those times when you hear a certain song.... still gets to me. Thanks
dgiirl Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 One important lesson I took away from my divorce is never ever compare your sorrow to someone else's. Yes, someone else might have suffered a much harder experience, but that doesnt make your pain any less significant. I grew up with an alcoholic father (he is a great dad, I love him dearly, just the situation was sometimes bad). My exh grew up in war. He saw a lot more scarier stuff than I did and he tried to convince me that my childhood was easy, that I had no reason to feel angry or sad or any hurt at all. I denied myself my own hurt and my own pain. My childhood is part of what makes me who i am today, and to deny it, I lost myself. So dont feel bad because you are hurting, and dont feel guilty for it either. We ALL have the worst thing that happened to us, and I think the pain we feel from it is on the same level as everyone else, so it's not right to compare ourselves to others. I think you are on the right path It takes both time _and_ effort to move on and heal. You are doing the effort! You have a new relationship and you are not dwelling too much on the past. Just remember to keep refocusing to the present when you do think on the past. And be patient with yourself! You've gone through a lot in the last 2 years
prrthd1 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I'm going through the same thing, Isabella82. Although, I was only with my guy for about 2 or 3 months. The relationship I had before this one lasted two years and it wasn't nearly as hard to get over because I knew WHY it ended and I realized I never loved that guy anyway. But this one, I truly love. It has only been 10 weeks since he suddenly broke it off with me and I still feel like I'm dying inside. Like your guy, mine said he wanted to settle down with me. He told this to my family and friends, not just me. Two days before he ended it he was making plans for my birthday with my mom. He gave no explanation, he just said he was trying to slow down and he would call me when he had had time to regroup. I thought he was just confused because we were moving so fast and he had only been divorced 6 months when we started dating. Five weeks ago, I found out that he was seeing a girl that he met a couple of months before we started dating. He had told me all about her and that he wasn't interested in her, but she wouldn't leave him alone. He even told me his dad told him to tell her to leave him alone because he was going to mess up the good thing he had with me. The hard part for me is that I have known this guy for a long time (way before he he divorced) and we still see each other's family and friends all the time. It's like he won't go away. I'm glad you have found someone else that you love. I am open to dating someone else just to get my mind off of him, but I have a feeling that if he doesn't come back to me, he will be the ONE I'm thinking about years later. It helps to see that other people are going through the same thing. Leaving something that seemed so perfect without any explanation is probably the cruelest thing anyone could do to another person.
Rob In NC Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Hell, I'm still scratching my head wondering what the hell happened to my relationship 12 years ago. We dated for 2 1/2 years and she broke up with me out of the blue. We never had closure. I think that's what the deal is. You've never had closure. I think in regards to my experience, but I don't know for sure, is that her dad had something to do with it. For over two years, we got along great. Then she moved closer to her dad about 45 miles away from where we grew up. Things changed over night. I don't think he liked me very much. I think she also thought my mom didn't like her for some reason. Although we've talked several times since our break-up, we've never discussed those issues. I don't think a therapist would do you any good unless he knows the exact reasons of your ex's actions. But if you want to pay $90 an hour for someone to act like your friend for an hour, that's your call.
Brittanyjean06 Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 I think a therapist can help you with guidance, but part of all this comes from you mostly. That therapist is just going to tell you what you already know, but simply can't do. Which is let go, but after 2 years well be lucky it hasn't been 12 years.. ^ no effense. Some never get over it, and some do...I think in life we all want to think that after a painful experience there is a light at the end blah blah blah you know sometimes for some people life isn't like that, especially with deeper scars such as death. People say a break up can be worse oh pshhh thats non sense..haha Therapist probaly know techniques to help you move on, but if your this set on it you could just always go back to how you feel...it is all dependent upon You and how fast you heal. Not anyone elses grieving periods.Your not crazy, and if so than we all are crazy including a therapist, which as well is probaly suffering from problems to.
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