Walk Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I wanted to post a good thing. Since there's so much heartache and sadness around here most days.. Plus, I thought maybe we could share some of the positives that happen in our relationships and maybe how we got it to happen. Either though effort, or good luck, or whatever. I'd like to hear some good things about how people affected their relationships to get a positive outcome. Mine is that I've been trying EVERYTHING to explain to my bf for what seems like years now, that there are better ways to approach a problem then he's been using. One that less harsh, more communicative, and wouldn't immediately send me into fight or flight mode. A way that would actually solve problems rather than create more... Anyway.. a few days ago... he did it! He approached me with his problem in a calm and non-judgemental way. We talked about it.. he gave me time to frame my thoughts, and think, without getting angry that I didn't immediatly respond. We talked it out.. we came to a resolution. He gave me a kiss on the check and then we made dinner and watched a movie. Afterward, he went to bed and gave me a big hug and kiss. It wasn't the model of perfection for arguing.. but I was really impressed with the effort and thought he put into trying to approach his problem in the best way. He honored my requests to change his approach, I respected his wishes to listen and ask more questions instead of jumping to conclusions. Our comprimise toward how to argue worked! (hopefully it will continue to improve.) And today I check my email.. and there was one from him! (first time in year and a half) Telling me how much he loves me, and appreciates all the things I do for him. That he knows he's been caught up in all the BS of work and bills lately. That sometimes he forgets to tell me how important I am to him. Even though he's an ass sometimes, and he's working on not being that way. And its a long road to recovery, but he believes in us. Anyway.. I'm not saying it's all fairytale, happily ever after BS... and it's not proof positive things will improve.. But I have busted my butt to show him through action and words that there is a better way than his childhood taught him. And potentially, both of our efforts can evolve into a brighter future for us. So, does any one else have positive stories to share? Areas in your relationship that seemed so hard to resolve, but with time and effort it's improved? Or times you wanted to give up, but didn't, and it was worth the fight? I'd love to hear about them.
RecordProducer Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 My husband has changed a few things after I've nagged. I have changed some things too (e.g. stopped drinking) and we both have yet to change in order to adjust to each other. Men will change only when they see that the change will bring more good than the current situation. Some will do it just to avoid the criticism, but often it's not enough. They have to be convinced that the change will improve THEIR lives also - not only yours. This is a typical marketing strategy: don't tell me how you are going to benefit from selling this product to me; tell me how I am going to benefit from buying it from you. (And when I think twice... I don't even want to hear what you have to say). This is basically what we're dealing with when we want our guys to change something about them. The other approach - used way more and too often - is the blackmail approach: let me tell you how you will suffer if you don't make this change. Anything from verbal threats to real break-up, from withholding affection to doing the same thing to them may work. People often have double standards (including ourselves) and all we need to do is serve them with what they serve us. Our first impulse is to show them that we're not like them and that we treat them nicely - which gives them a reward for their mistreatment. You should be exactly like them so they can see a mirror reflection in your behavior and hopefully NOT like it.
mattea Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 thanks walk, this is a great thread. sometimes it can be really easy to focus on the "negative", things you wish could be different or you're not quite satisfied with. i am guilty of starting to overlook all the wonderful things about my bf and ways he's putting in lots of effort and being loving, and just focusing on what i feel is missing. it's fine to ask for things we need when something isn't working for us, but i also think it's really important to appreciate and accept each other and acknowledge the good stuff. so here's some positives about my relationship and my b/f. when we first started dating, the time we spent together was almost exclusively just the two of us. i eventually introduced him to one some of my friends, but he didn't reciprocate right away. i was starting to worry that there was some reason he was keeping me separate from his friends but i was nervous to talk to him about it. when i got up the courage to do so, he was very open to talking about it, said he was having similar feelings, and that he thought it would be healthier if we spent time with other people sometimes. since then we've made lots of efforts to include each other in our social networks and meet each other's friends. it's not perfect, we still have issues "merging worlds", but we're both really trying. at one point i was getting frustrated with the way my boyfriend and i made plans (or failed to make plans) together. i felt as if i often didn't know his schedule, he didn't know mine, and we just got together if it "worked out" at the last minute. i talked to him about it, and it was his idea that we share a calendar so we could both write down our schedules and make plans with each other that we'd add to the calendar too. we still do spontaneous things together too, but it made me feel really good that he was open to talking about it and suggested this approach. i feel more important to him. in general, my boyfriend is really loving, open to talking, makes a lot of time for us (but doesn't smother and we both get time to ourselves), makes our relationship a priority and goes out of his way to include me in his frienships and activities. things are changing now that the "honeymoon" phase is coming to an end, but i'm working on not getting all caught up in ideals and focusing on what a wonderful and supportive partner he's been. when i need him i can count on him to be there. when i have a problem or issue i want to discuss, he's right there ready to talk and work it out. he really tries to understand me and accept me for who i am.
quankanne Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 great topic idea! the biggest positive in our marriage? He finally grew to believe in the love I have for him, and understands that marriage is not something I take lightly. His previous marriages died early deaths when both wives ran off with other men, but I was the one who played whipping boy for their actions.
james007 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 There is nothing positive about my relationship. Certainly a threat of a break up is a good motivator to change a habit or behavior if you really love that person. I personally could not see myself changing anything about myself unless my girlfriend really felt like making it a dealbreaker.
Author Walk Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 There is nothing positive about my relationship. Certainly a threat of a break up is a good motivator to change a habit or behavior if you really love that person. I personally could not see myself changing anything about myself unless my girlfriend really felt like making it a dealbreaker. Interesting view... did you always feel this way? I don't think people should have to change, but I do know that certain behaviors can be modified so that two people can feel more comfortable together. I felt modifying the way my SO and I communicate could help us build a better relationship. And I wasn't asking him to change, while I did nothing.. It's both of us. We both have to change in order for it to work. If you aren't even willing to modify a behavior, then why are you still in the relationship? Especially if you feel she isn't willing to meet you part way.
james007 Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Interesting view... did you always feel this way? I don't think people should have to change, but I do know that certain behaviors can be modified so that two people can feel more comfortable together. I felt modifying the way my SO and I communicate could help us build a better relationship. And I wasn't asking him to change, while I did nothing.. It's both of us. We both have to change in order for it to work. If you aren't even willing to modify a behavior, then why are you still in the relationship? Especially if you feel she isn't willing to meet you part way. Read my post again. I didn't say I was not willing to modify a behavior. I said that I'm willing to modify the behavior only if the future of our relationship depended on it.
Guest Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 It's taking me a very long time to realise the good in my relationship. I live with an incredibly loving man who wants nothing more than to dote on me and make me happy. He cooks meals for me even when he hates cooking. I have got frustrated in the past with his slow house cleaning cycle and he goes out of his way to help me now. He calls me the minute he has a spare moment at work (which isn't often as he's a hospital doctor) and he sends me cute text messages, intimdated by my 'eloquence' and so limits himself to oneliners of niceness! I meanwhile find fault in him for little irritations and take out the worries that I have about the course I've chosen for my life on him. Our sex life has never been 'white hot' but it's always been comfortable. Lately, though, every time we do anything at all I have a constant dialogue in my head about what he's doing, what i'm doing, whether it's spontaneous, whether it's what i want forever, whether this is a sign of what i'm accpeting as the way to live in a relationship, whether I'm willing to *settle* for what I've got or whether I could get better. He is my best friend, a consistently beautiful man and I don't know how anyone could better the love he gives me. Somehow, though, my idea of what is perfect and required and expected in a long relationship is not quite here (not that I could identify what that was) and I don't know whether I'm settling for this man who loves me or whether my expectations are too hollywoodised and I will never find a man like this again in my life. I care about him deeply, but how do I distinguish that love from a concern and care, when I had a white hot relationship years ago that simply can't compare with the quiet simmer I have now. There is so much right in my relationship, but I can't stop worrying and predicting and waiting for it to wend its way to a close. I want to marry this man, but I don't know why I'm so desperate to get married. Do you ever truly know that what you have is 'just perfect' or does everyone settle in the end? I feel like there's a big conspiracy that there's a perfect match for everyone, and I can't cope with the thought of losing him, or alternatively, losing the ideal that persists in my head.
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