isha_pal Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 hi i am new to this site!! i am married since one and a half year. mine is a love marriage. i eloped from my home to marry this person as my family was against this relation due to some caste system but i loved him so much that i took this step but now everything has changed!! he doesnt love me any more atleast not that much which he used to do before marriage he has changed alot he care his parents and his sister more. he does things for me for the sake of doin it so that i cant say that he hasnt done this thng or that thing for me!! he obeys his parents very much. i must say very very much daily we have a fight. and wen we dont talk he hardly cares that im not talking to him. he just keep on watchin tv or sleeping as his job is in nights i mean he works in night shifts wen i need him he is never there for me in night he is on his job and during day he sleeps wen his weekly offs come he goes with me out for outing but his parents dont like me goin out and enjoying so they told him that this is not good for u that staying out for the whole day... and today he doesnt went out saying we'll go in the evening knowing that i dont like to be in the house coz his famile always comments on me they want that i should do the whole work nobody helps me i really feel sticked in this house i feel as if i am being put into some jail i dont know wat to do???????????????????? i love him so much that i dont want to leave him but sometimes he irritates me so much that i just feel like to run away from this house tooo or do suicide as i dont find anything to make out this relationship his family is so cunning and selfish they try to be good in front of him but are really bad hearted please give me some advice to make out this relationship plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz seeking your replies :( :(
Outcast Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Try not to fight about these things. Try to talk to him nicely and treat him like a teammate. Ask him to help you because you're sad. If you blame him, he will get defensive. If you ask him nicely to be on your side, it may work better.
Guest Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 DO You live in the same house as your inlaws????? have you ever thought of trying to get him to move where you are at least 45mins of hour away from inlaws. dont fight with him on this matter, above is right thing to do. talk about it with your h. do not fight it will get you no where.
Author isha_pal Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 hi outcast thanx!!! i really need some body to talk to coz now i dont have anybody with whom i can talk i just feel so lonely:( one thing i want to ask is that how should i treat him wen he has done something wrong to me and hes behaving as if hes rite and im wrong he puts blame on me always............ as if im responsible for everything and if say anything he says that u r a nonsense person u dont know how to talk with others u dont give respect to ur husband and all i am not able to understand wat he wants i really need some practical advices sitting and talking is not that effective now coz if we'll talk about any problem of mine he'll simply say you are urself responsible for ur condition u dont know how to live in a family and all that kind of stuff now i really dont know wat to do plzzzzzzzzzz help me out!!
Author isha_pal Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 oh hi guest thnx to u as well yes i live with my in laws i've talkd to him abt this but he loves his parents so much that hes not ready to leave them as hes the only son of his parents see i am an indian and u know abt indian culture i cant fight with him to stay away or neither cant myself stay away his parents are the major reason of our fight i just hate them really do sometimes i feel like to kill them they are so clever!!!!!!!!!!!! wat to do?????????????????
Author isha_pal Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 well i dont know y all of u are not replying to my mails anyways i went to a psychiatrist today i thought it would help my h was with me he set a councelling for both of us on wednesday now lets see wat good can happen waitin for that day.................................
destination_unknown Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Hi isha, I'm sorry you are feeling so isolated and lonely. It is good that your husband will take councelling with you, maybe you can both learn to understand each other better. I'm not sure that I can give you any suitable advice because I don't have much experience with your culture, but wanted to show you some support. I hope that you can work this out and be happier, maybe in the future you will even be friends with your husbands sister and parents. Best wishes at your councelling session.
Ophelia78 Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 A friend of mine is having a similar problem. You need to get away from your inlaws to get rid of their influence. You and your husband should move out as soon as possible, for your health and sanity.
luvstarved Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I don't know very much about your culture either but I do live with a husband who lived with his parents before he met me and we married at 38. My family lives 600 miles away. We see his family every day, So I can imagine that part of your frustration is that you feel like the one who doesn't fully "belong" in the house and the one who is wrong or doesn't understand the dynamics of the household and that they somehow expect you to just find your own way to fit in and good luck to you...without really trying to make you feel at home. And when there is conflict, you are the easy target to blame because they never had the same sort of conflict without you there...but then there was no marriage of two families then! I am glad that your husband has agreed to counseling. Perhaps if this sense of isolation is part of it, you can help make him understand that while everyone else is comfortable and have always been in the household together, you need some help adjusting and need to feel more special to him, as a husband should regard his wife, and be more supported by him rather than just always siding with his "blood relatives"... I also wonder what your relationship is like with your own family and whether you have anyone close to you that you could talk to about this? Best of luck and please keep us posted...
BeFree Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 I do know some about your culture and I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Unfortunately I don't think there is alot you can do about your husbands need to put his parents first. Really the only thing you can do is find ways to have a life of your own. Do you drive? If you do not have a drivers licences I think you really need to get one and a car of your own. This way you can go out and do things and not be stuck in the house all day. Take some classes and do things that will help you. You may also need to get a little tough with his family and set some boundries. If you don't, they will take advantage of you forever.
Author isha_pal Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 well thanks for ur response but everything is goin worse and worse i dont know wat to do his mother tries to show that he loves his son more than me i cant tolerate this thing his father is a bull sh** and his sis.......... they all make funof me and my husband is mamas boy and more papas boy
Author isha_pal Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 thanks alot for ur replys..... well everything is gettin worse and worse i dont know wat to do now his mother is trying to show that she loves his son more than me seeeeeeeee......... his father also tries to showq the same and his sister .... she is just a stupid girl havin no sense my h is a mamas boy and [papas boy too he cant speak in front of them wether they r rite or wrong if i say him to speak he says that i wanted to make a fight b/w them all im not able to understand wat shuld i do we dont ahve any kids and we dont get physical even for a week im totlly lost i think goin to a counsellin will not gonna help nyways lets see.... many probs in my life i cant even discuss it wid anyone thats y i came to this form or site nobody understands me not even my husband and thats the worst part plz give ne sm practical suggestions plzzzzzzzzz
Author isha_pal Posted September 10, 2006 Author Posted September 10, 2006 we cant attend the counseelin as we cant reach on time coz he has to wash his car...............his dream car but again as usual he blamed me i m getting lost i dont know wat i am wat does i want every thing is gettin worse his parents trying to be more good but i know they are not he is not ready to believe me he says now they are good its ur dirty mind which is thinkin like that seeeeeeee now wat?? i dont know wether he is loosing me or im loosing him but there is smthin bad gonna happen wat shuld i do?????? plz help...............
lighthouse Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 Isha - I also don't know that much about your culture. Is there a friend that you have that you could talk to? Where you are living is there a place for you to go and talk to someone - without him if need be? Can you drive to these places? Can you take a bus? I am doing the best I can but I am not that knowledgeable and everyone else has gone to sleep!! Lighthouse
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 Oh My Isha! What a terrible situation. I can't really say what would help. It is difficult not knowing the cultural situation and what you can and can't do -- but try not to fight with him. Try to make the moments you are together happy even if you are just keeping him happy. It sucks but I think you will create a little bit of space so you can really think about all of this. Can you talk to your family? Are they still loving you and wanting the best for you? If you have to leave him, maybe they could help at that point. He really washed his car instead of going to counseling? That is not good at all. I wish there were better things I could say to you. I wish I could say something to help. I know you feel alone and scared. That is just awful.
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