Is this unacceptable behavior, or am I exaggerating?

[Lea]

My boyfriend has some dealings in Panama which he wouldn't tell me about six months ago when he went there for urgent business.

 

I was very upset with him for not telling me any details and he accused me of being too pushy given the fact that we hadn't yet "decided" if we were going to live together yet. I still felt offended that he would go somewhere and not even give me the number of the hotel or anything because I would never do this to him even with the "status" that we have now.

 

Well about a month ago when he was in a really weak, sentimental mood (in bed) I brought up the fact that I hate anything that he has to do with Panama because it is a secret and I hate secrets like that.. He finally told me that he had an investment there in which all his past earnings are kept over there and the reason he never told me before was that he was worried he would loose the money.

 

He still didn't want to tell me exactly what the investment was (it's NOT property) but he said that if it all works out and he gains something from it, I will be very happy when he tells me..

 

Now the time has come around for him to have to go there again and I am really antsy about it because I have painful memories from the last time when he didn't call me, or give me his number. Last night I told him that if he does the same thing again (goes and doesn't give a sign of life) I will end the relationship because I don't think it's an acceptable way to behave. His response was that I should respect his wishes and if I can't that means I am immature and don't respect him. My response to him was,

 

"Okay fine, then that says it all to me! If you really loved me you wouldn't do something that upset me so much. I love you more than you love me. Obviously your business is more important to you than anything."

 

He responded that he love ME more than I loved him and that my love was selfish, only based on conditions of getting my way. Then he went on to say,

 

"The big test for you will be Panama"

 

But I don't want any tests and trials!! It's not worth it to have to go thru things like this, so I'm out'a here!!

 

I told him that one day when he is in one of his horribly lonely, pessemistic moods ("I am all alone. I have nobody to talk to, I'm so sad" is a common thing that he says when I am not around) and I go somewhere without telling him he will feel and understand the same pain I felt when he went to Panama. He agreed with me that maybe I was right, and I said, "just wait and see..."

 

So back to my question: Am I exaggerating or it this unacceptable behaviour?

[Tony T]

In a healthy relationship, he would be more than willing to share at least some of the details of his trip, like where he's staying if he didn't want to share his business dealings.

 

If he's being so secretive, you can only assume he's going to see a female or he's dealing in illegal drugs, money laundering or some other illegal activity. If what he was doing was on the up and up, I'm sure he would feel perfectly free to give you some idea.

 

In my opinion, you have perfect grounds for ending the relationship. It has nothing to do with love. Telling your partner where you're going, where you'll be staying, etc., when going so far is a matter of basic consideration and respect.

 

If he has no consideration or respect for you, or if he is going so far to see a chick or do something illegal...then you need to get away from him. In other words, I can find no reason to remain with him if he's going to behave this way.

 

Frankly, I think it's pretty cruel. He must not think much of you if he can't share this information, no matter what it is...unless, of course, it's another lady he's visiting.

 

Also, if he's got a lot of money in Panama for real, I promise you he's not involved in the candy business. There are some tough cookies in that region and they deal in high stakes. Another reason to get rid of this guy is one day he could easily return in a box, sealed, and ready for the ground...if they're even nice enough to mail him back.

[velvet]

I agree with Tony and want to also add that as long as the two of you continue this r/s without an open line of communication The Panama trip can be the first start to an unhappy, unhealthy r/s. Your r/s is still new to each other and if their are going to be walls now, than he will for sure put more up along the way. I would just try to get as much info. out of him b4 his trip (if has not left already)

 

Find out who is friends are if he has family there. How long has he been doing business there. If he has favorite restraunt there. Just as little or big details about it. If he is renting a car? You can do a back ground check on his name. Get his soc. security #.

 

In a healthy relationship, he would be more than willing to share at least some of the details of his trip, like where he's staying if he didn't want to share his business dealings. If he's being so secretive, you can only assume he's going to see a female or he's dealing in illegal drugs, money laundering or some other illegal activity. If what he was doing was on the up and up, I'm sure he would feel perfectly free to give you some idea. In my opinion, you have perfect grounds for ending the relationship. It has nothing to do with love. Telling your partner where you're going, where you'll be staying, etc., when going so far is a matter of basic consideration and respect.

 

If he has no consideration or respect for you, or if he is going so far to see a chick or do something illegal...then you need to get away from him. In other words, I can find no reason to remain with him if he's going to behave this way. Frankly, I think it's pretty cruel. He must not think much of you if he can't share this information, no matter what it is...unless, of course, it's another lady he's visiting. Also, if he's got a lot of money in Panama for real, I promise you he's not involved in the candy business. There are some tough cookies in that region and they deal in high stakes. Another reason to get rid of this guy is one day he could easily return in a box, sealed, and ready for the ground...if they're even nice enough to mail him back.