Trust...can it ever be regained?

[BetterNow]

Hi Everyone,

I need some advice, imput, anything you might have to say.. Please read my other post in Dating called " My Story.. so hurt and angry "... I stupidly posted it to the wrong forum.. newbie here..

I feel at this point I feel I can not trust MH ever again. he wants to go for councelling I am so angry and hurt still. I just cannot see how a councellor can take my soul and rub away all the hurt... But.....sorry getting off the topic. My Question is.. Can/will I ever trust this man again? Or will I always be forever 2nd guessing his answers/wereabouts..etc.. ?

 

Thank you everyone for your advice.

BN ))

[Gunny376]

I am such an emotional and sensitive person that everything effects me more than others maybe. I have put my heart and soul into our union and I have always tried my best to make things smooth and comfortable for all of us. Second marriage with 5 kids ( 2 are mine from first marriage 3 are his from first marriage )I have always tried to be understanding and paitent with circumstances that arise.

 

However... I too like everyone have a breaking point. I have been humiluated,hurt, and betrayed beyond what I think a loving wife should have to deal with.

 

At this point ( what I feel right now ) I am beyond forgiveness. I am not going to feel like I am not good enough as a woman and wife any longer.

 

His Lies have been constant and changing. His explanations are not entirerly truthfull and his promises have been broken more that once. I do not trust him any longer as he has lied to me about Strip Clubs for our entire relationship. He knows how I felt about strip clubs before we were married.

 

His escapades at strip clubs have been ongoing since before we were together and I feel so betrayed and unworthy that my self esteem has suffered too much. His trips to Strip clubs have hurt me so much as a woman and a wife that I feel so foolish and embarassed to say the least. Finding bank statements with $100 or more from strip clubs.

 

Married 10 months... and he asks for a 19 yr old strippers email address so she can send him pictures, and then emails her back " next time I am in the city I will come see you again". Then he says " I promise one my life and our Marriage that I will never go to one of those places again. I do not want to lose you".

 

Ok I will beleive you and I will trust what you say. 6 months later guess where he goes? Bang... there goes my trust again. I can not get over it. I am sorry. I have tried my best. I have gone for therapy. I have been on Medication.I should not have to do this after 10 months of Marriage.

 

Those Pictures I saw on his computer are burnt into my mind forever. Spending so much money on Lap Dances and alcohol is beyond my understanding. we are NOT rich.....

 

I think about him and the fact that he has had another womans Breasts and Vagina all over his face as she is dancing on his lap. And yes he had his hands all over her, and God only knows how many others. Also going to Hooters because that is OK because they are not Strippers, and keeping that from me as well. I am not saying there is anything wrong with going to Hooters but he dosent tell me that is what bothers me. He likes the big boobs... I am a 34A.... hummmmm.

 

He didnt think about me or the kids at all and our Love when he was getting Lap dances. There is so much more than Love in a marriage. Trust.... that is the foundation of a good marriage. I no longer trust him at this point. He has broken that trust 2 times now. Respect. I do not respect him as a husband( at this point ) . I will say that he is very loyal to his friends work acquintances and family. he is the best father also. Regardless I do still love him . Maybe if I didnt love him it wouldnt hurt so much. I can not live with him right now. I need some time away.

 

Comments anyone?

[BetterNow]

Thank you Gunny... I appreciate that...

[britchick]

I'm so sorry for how you must be feeling. Although you are in a lot of pain right now it sounds like you want your relationship with your husband to survive this.

I have been in a situation that is a little like yours, where trust was broken repeatedly. Your husband wants to go to counselling, so at least he is willing to try to deal with his 'problem'. No, counselling cannot take away your pain but it can help you deal with what has been going on and make him recognise how much he has hurt you and take responsibility for that. It is possible to get past this if both of you really want to but it will be hard. If you decide that you cannot get over this and that you need to separate, counselling can also help you deal with this and help you to protect your children from the worst effects.

In my case, we lived separately while having counselling, which, helped me. My SO realized, finally, that it was make or break and he put in a lot of effort and continues to now. Our relationship is now much better than it has ever been. Five years on, I still have times when I think about what he did but it has all been overshadowed by the much better times we have had since then.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Gunny376]

You're DH is a form of sex addict, and needs individual couseling to over-come and to learn how to manage his addiction. And, the two of you would need MC, (martial couseling) if the marriage is to survive. This would be an absolute condition of possible re-concilation.

 

I've been to a strip club twice in my life, when I was 21. I don't see the appeal myself. Many of the women that work there are lesbians~bisexual, or have big biker type BF's. Its just a hugh rip off. I can't imagine spending $10 let alone $100.

 

Ditto with Porn. Its all fake and a fantasy. You've been to one strip club, you've been to them all. If you've seen one porn movie ~ you've basically have seen them all. Pretty boring.

 

I personally prefer the up close and personal. I've got better things to do with my time and money.

[BetterNow]

Thank you People,

I should let you know that I moved out a month ago. He refused to leave, so I did. I needed to do this for myself. He wants to go to councelling not for himself but he says " to show me that I am over reacting to this ". I say F%$# you. I do NOT think I am over reacting. He says it all stems form my trust issues from my "past". I should be open and let you know I have been working through issues of Childhood sexual abuse for the past 2 years. But ..... I do not believe this has anything to do with him and he is using my past to validate his conduct so he dosent feel he has done anything wrong, and he is now throwing this back in my face, which makes me more angry. I think what he is doing is unexcusable and very hurtfull to my feelings. This is the Only reason he wants to go for coucelling. He wants me back but only when I realise that it is my past that is making me over react to his actions. I refuse to accept this. Is this wrong of me to think that way? I dont think I am Nuts,( LOL ) but basicly this is what he is trying to say to me.

[Gunny376]

I'm a man, late forties, retired Marine ~ so I've not exactally lived a sheltered life. My wife comes home and telling me she going to see the "male revue" when she comes home her key isn't going to fit the lock anymore.

 

I don't know if that's over reacting or not. I do know that with male strippers the women get to "paw" the men, where as the oppossite is true when it comes to men. That's one of those things she should have done when she was single.

 

Given what your saying? No I don't think is over-re-acting. I think its damn insenstive of him, to you, to your feelings, and dis-respectful to you, and your marriage. If he was my SIL, I'd let him know that as well!

 

Then again here in Alabama, all they can do is dance on stage in a two piece bathing suit ~ anything else is against the law.

[BetterNow]

Thanks Gunny,

He is also in his Late 40's... I am in my early 40's ...I guess some people never grow up right???

These "girls" could be his daughter..

I am feeling better about this. just knowing that I am not as "nuts" as some may think... well at least not this subject..haha:)

[Gunny376]

Thanks Gunny,

He is also in his Late 40's... I am in my early 40's ...I guess some people never grow up right???

These "girls" could be his daughter..

I am feeling better about this. just knowing that I am not as "nuts" as some may think... well at least not this subject..haha:)

 

Well as the Father of a 26 years old daughter, that would make me feel un-comfortable as well.

 

Don't get me wrong ~ I've been to strip clubs, its just way back when I was in my early 20's and was single. As the old saying goes ~ you put childish things aside when you become a man.

 

Is is normal? I guess for every person that says it isn't ~ you can find at least one that says is? But, then again ~ you've got any number of people who will argue that this or that is normal. Apprarently some members of that cult of Mormon's thinks its normal for older men to marry pre-teen and teen age girls? To me, its not.

 

And, it would be relative. If you didn't have a problem with it, then it wouldn't be a problem. But, you do, and I get the impression that you've made the crystal clear to him. If not than shame on you, but I assume that you have, in which case shame on him.

 

When you get married ~ you've an obligation and responsibility to at least try to meet your spouse's reasonable requests, and expectations. And, I don't think this is at all un-reasonable for a woman to not expect her husband to frequent these kind of places. So, in short, it might be perfectally normal for him ~ and for others that don't have a problem

~ but its obviously not normal for you. And, that is the standard by which this should me measured. I can certainly tell you that in this part of the country its considered so abnormal that there aren't any. If a guy wanted to go see the "strippers" he'd have to drive three to four hours to Flordia or Georgia ro find the nearest one.