rosalia Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Hello, everyone!!! I posted here a few weeks ago about my recent separation (August 1, 2005). Now, I have a new question for you all. Since I have been separated, I have been asked on several "dates". While in the marriage, I wouldn't even look at another man. But now that I am separated, I think I might like to try some "dating". So, the big questions is..at what time does dating become acceptable? Thanks in advance!! Link to post Share on other sites
Paysh Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 It becomes acceptable when both spouses agree to it. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I am new at this and I am also going thru a separation but it would depend on if you are working on getting back together again. I would think that dating would put more pressure on you trying to get back together. We are working on problems we both have but we hope once we do that we can work on our relationship so I don't plan on doing any dating just so I don't have that to interfear. We both look at it as we are married even though we are separated. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Since August 1st eh. Bit soon and I’d be a little wary of a guy who would want to date someone as recently separated as you are. I think dating during separation is perfectly acceptable if both parties agree to it or at the very least are given a heads-up and maybe even have a clear the air type of conversation. However, keep in mind that once dating begins the chances for any reconciliation usually diminish fairly quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 It becomes acceptable when both spouses agree to it. What if you havent really talked to your spouse in over a year, cept for legalities for a divorce he wanted, and he left for another woman? Is it acceptable then? I agree with GuySimple. You've only been separated for a month! Seems awfully short and I'd definitely be very leary of any guy approaching you at this time. Any decent guy would keep his distance for atleast a few months. I understand it's a nice feeling to get attention again, but cant you just go out and make friends? You have a lot to deal with as is, why add all the pressure of dating so soon? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 BS! I met my husband THREE DAYS after my separation...and he's a DECENT guy! You can't make broad statements like that. My marriage was over way before the actual separation...no chance of reconciliation. I say go for it! Glad I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Paysh Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 What if you havent really talked to your spouse in over a year, cept for legalities for a divorce he wanted, and he left for another woman? Is it acceptable then? lol, yes I would have to say it is. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 BS! I met my husband THREE DAYS after my separation...and he's a DECENT guy! You can't make broad statements like that. My marriage was over way before the actual separation...no chance of reconciliation. I say go for it! Glad I did. I would hope that your ex husband also felt that it was as over as you. If not this would have been a kind of cruel thing to do in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I would hope that your ex husband also felt that it was as over as you. If not this would have been a kind of cruel thing to do in my opinion. You know what? He did. I left the state we lived in. We both agreed that we could not make it work and we didn't want to try anymore. But so what if he didn't? It was over for me. I was never reconciling so why put my life on hold even he DIDN'T agree? What would be the point? Wait for him to agree? Uh...no. Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 BS! My marriage was over way before the actual separation...no chance of reconciliation. SAME with mine. By the time the separation happened- we had been done for a long time. I say do whatever feels right to you. If you think there is ANY chance of reconciliation- I wouldn't date anyone else. If you know you are done- go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I agree that if there is nothing left than time is not so much an issue. But a month or three days is too soon in my opinion. Not necessarily because of the ex spouse but rather yourself. What emotional state of mine are you in after leaving a failed relationship? Is there not a certain amount of sole searching that goes on after a relationship (no matter how bad) ends? I just think that not taking time to either morn or savor the change is robbing you of a huge personal growth opportunity. It seems kind of like giving birth one week and getting pregnant all over again the next. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Also, any person who does approach someone so fresh out of a relationship must have some reservations and concerns. From my personal experience, the guys who didnt, only wanted one thing. You are in a vulernable space and it's easy to be taken advantage of. Touche, you simply got lucky. But I dont think it's advisable to tell people it's ok without telling them to be cautious either. The majority of people who do NOT take some time out for themselves and go in a relationship so quickly tend to be in a rebound, get their heart broken even worse, hurt other people in the process, and take a lot longer to heal. They also wished they HAD taken time out to be by themselves before getting into another relationship so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Also, any person who does approach someone so fresh out of a relationship must have some reservations and concerns. From my personal experience, the guys who didnt, only wanted one thing. You are in a vulernable space and it's easy to be taken advantage of. Touche, you simply got lucky. But I dont think it's advisable to tell people it's ok without telling them to be cautious either. The majority of people who do NOT take some time out for themselves and go in a relationship so quickly tend to be in a rebound, get their heart broken even worse, hurt other people in the process, and take a lot longer to heal. They also wished they HAD taken time out to be by themselves before getting into another relationship so quickly. Like DGirl said. After one marriage and another LTR, I'm holding out for the highest bidder. I won't even date someone who's "seperated" and answer as to the question "why" is "D" all of the above. What is all the more I won't date anyone who's not been divorced for less than one year ~ I prefer two. I was separated from the XW for a year, got involved in another LTR for six and half years. Yep! It broke up over un-resolved issues of my divorce, which I had postponed in resolving because I had gotten involved too soon after the divorce. I blew a golden opportunity because I got into another LTR, I just had to have me a GF! I would be sitting "pretty" if I had just had someone around like LS telling me to "man-up!" and "suck-it-up!" Most people who come out of divorce and do anything other than "light and casual" dating, are setting themselves up for "re-bound" Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 This is to address the last three posts. Sure, it's fine for you all to give your warnings and cautions but it's fine for me to also say it can work out the other way. Was I lucky? Perhaps. Or maybe other people were just unlucky when they jumped into another relationship and it DIDN'T work. Just accept another person's perspective. Did I need to do soul searching and reflect after my separation? UH, NO! I did all that WAY before I left and only wanted to move on with my life. So glad my H wasn't like you Gunny or he would have rejected me and we wouldn't have had the happy life and family we've had for the past almost TWELVE years! Hey to each his/her own. I felt it important that the OP hear someone's TRUE life experience in not waiting before dating. Be open to the fact that your one and only can come along even when you think you're not ready. That was my case. So glad I didn't turn him away because I thought it was too soon. Love is hard enough to find without imposing needless restrictions on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 This is to address the last three posts. Sure, it's fine for you all to give your warnings and cautions but it's fine for me to also say it can work out the other way. Was I lucky? Perhaps. Or maybe other people were just unlucky when they jumped into another relationship and it DIDN'T work. Just accept another person's perspective. Did I need to do soul searching and reflect after my separation? UH, NO! I did all that WAY before I left and only wanted to move on with my life. So glad my H wasn't like you Gunny or he would have rejected me and we wouldn't have had the happy life and family we've had for the past almost TWELVE years! Hey to each his/her own. I felt it important that the OP hear someone's TRUE life experience in not waiting before dating. Be open to the fact that your one and only can come along even when you think you're not ready. That was my case. So glad I didn't turn him away because I thought it was too soon. Love is hard enough to find without imposing needless restrictions on it. LOL! "Touche'" (as in debate) Point concceded. I was just stating my own personal standard. But, honestly Touche you've got to admitt you either just got damn lucky or you've been truly blessed, and I'd like to think its the later. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 LOL! "Touche'" (as in debate) Point concceded. I was just stating my own personal standard. But, honestly Touche you've got to admitt you either just got damn lucky or you've been truly blessed, and I'd like to think its the later. Thanks Gunny! I think I was blessed AND lucky. But I'll say this, it wasn't only luck and being blessed. My whole family practically said what a lot of people here said...it's too soon, rebound and blah blah. I'm just the type of person who when they fall of the horse gets right back on again. No regrets, no looking back. We all make mistakes, let's move ahead. See now had I not been like that, I would have NEVER gotten together with my H and I'd probably be alone now. You have to grab life by the balls and not let go and not be shy. I can't understand having all these "rules" for yourself. You spoke of your "standard." Hey, I have my standards too. And they're quite high, I assure you. I did not lower them one bit. My H fit all my standards so I really didn't see why I should reject him because I was separated only three days. You know you only get ONE life...why waste it sitting around and making rules for yourself? Maybe there's a gal that just had her heartbroken in the wrong relationship who meets you and you both realize that you've both found what you've always been looking for. Don't let her go just because of your "standard." Thanks for listening to my point of view Gunny. And I do respect yours. Some people DO jump in too quickly and let their standards fly out the window. And although I may have jumped back in the game too quickly for some people's tastes, I NEVER lowered my standards. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 This is to address the last three posts. Sure, it's fine for you all to give your warnings and cautions but it's fine for me to also say it can work out the other way. Was I lucky? Perhaps. Or maybe other people were just unlucky when they jumped into another relationship and it DIDN'T work. Just accept another person's perspective. Did I need to do soul searching and reflect after my separation? UH, NO! I did all that WAY before I left and only wanted to move on with my life. So glad my H wasn't like you Gunny or he would have rejected me and we wouldn't have had the happy life and family we've had for the past almost TWELVE years! Hey to each his/her own. I felt it important that the OP hear someone's TRUE life experience in not waiting before dating. Be open to the fact that your one and only can come along even when you think you're not ready. That was my case. So glad I didn't turn him away because I thought it was too soon. Love is hard enough to find without imposing needless restrictions on it. Everyone is indeed entitled to their own opinion and there are several sides to every bit of advice. Great advice. Another tidbit of advice is not to start your posts with "BS" than proceed to discount the preceding comments. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 Everyone is indeed entitled to their own opinion and there are several sides to every bit of advice. Great advice. Another tidbit of advice is not to start your posts with "BS" than proceed to discount the preceding comments. And ANOTHER tidbit of advice is to not try to edit my comments. No one discounted anything. Go back and please re-read. Oh and..thanks for saying I had great advice after you tried to edit me! Hee hee. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 ummm go read the 6th post... he didnt edit you. You started a post with BS then tried to discount my post. You want people to accept your perspective, yet you open a thread by being defensive. Atleast be consistent and follow your own advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 ummm go read the 6th post... he didnt edit you. You started a post with BS then tried to discount my post. You want people to accept your perspective, yet you open a thread by being defensive. Atleast be consistent and follow your own advice. I'm not going back and reading anything. He DID edit me. (Trust me, he DID) I didn't discount anything. I merely presented another point of view. I don't give a F whether people accept my perspective or not. Do you not get that? I just think it's important to get a DIFFERENT perspective out there. It's real and it's mine. Take it or leave it. I'm quite consistent and... yeah, I think my advice IS followed by ME! ha! Good one, dgi! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 all i get is you cant post without being defensive and cursing go you! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 all i get is you cant post without being defensive and cursing go you! Wow, good one, dgi! Was that the best you can do? Know what "dgi girl" stands for? Don't get it Girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rosalia Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 Well, these have been rather interesting remarks, indeed! Thank you all for your opinions!! Your opinions are deeply appreciated. I am still taking it slow, for now...I'll keep you posted, if I actually date anyone. Have a great day! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 that I'm discounting what you're saying Touche. its just that for your average person ~ the worse thing that they can do coming out of a LTR is to jump right back into one. It takes a while for your average person to get their head and azz wired back together after surviving and crawling out from that kind of a train wreck. For most it the emotional, pyschological, financial equivalent of having been thrown under a mile long freight train ~ forget the damn bus! And, I didn't insinuate that you lowered your standards ~ although I can certainly see how you would infer that from that which I wrote. I know of which I speak, when I say you can date 100 people, and out of that 100 you might find four worth possibly getting into a long term relationship ~ and out of that four ~ you might actually find one. You just got damned lucky out the chute. And, I agee with you when you say it possible ~ I disagree that its probable. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Back off on DGIgirl! She's not done anything to you except pulled your punk card. And IMHO she was right in doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
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