Guest Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I will try to make this as short as possible. I found at at a young age that my father was unfaithful to my mother. And continues to do the same with his new wife. I was married at 16 and I know it is my true love. I couldn't imagine my life without him and our kids. My H is in the military and is deployed and we are very far from our family. I have made very good friends with our neighbors and we visit very often. Only recently have I realized that I am attracted to my neighbor's son who is also married with kids. I had never looked at him in this way since we've lived here. He began flirting with me a little here and there. I haven't had anyone ever flirt with me since before I was married, which I found to be very strange and a little depressing since it used to happen all the time. I just figured it had stopped since I had to young kids trailing behind me everywhere I went. I would have a drink every now and then on the weekends and I noticed that when the OM drank, the flirting was more frequent and obvious. His wife is hardly there because of her work hours. I have become more addicted to drinking than I have ever been and when we go over there, there is never a shortage. Not long ago, after a quite few drinks, I found myself kissing OM. I have never cheated on my H before and never planned or looked for someone to cheat with. We have a very solid relationship considering the odds being against us. We are best friends and enjoy each other's company more than most military marriages. This is not his first deployment abd more than likely not his last. I will add that with the first deployment I was never tempted to cheat because I was to disstraught that he was gone. I am more independant because of it and I think that is part of the reason why this happened. I know my father loved my mother dearly even though he strayed. I would never leave my H for OM or anyone else. I feel like the worst wife on earth because my man is fighting for our country and I let this happen. However I know other wives that live for the day that their H leaves again.
my_dream_love Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Hon, you're married too young. Way too young. I was married when I was 20 and my H was 21 that was young too. He'd been gone to deployment twice and I found out that he cheated on me the last one like 4 months ago and we still work on it. The cheating was started with acohol, drank too much lost his subconcious. Way to go and that is what you put yourself in my husband's shoes right now. The chance is that you might ended your marriage by either your H one day finds out. My H told me and sincerely want to work things out. I'm not really yet to forgive him. Until this day, I have not once kissed him maybe 6-7 months to be exact. The matter isn't about your intention. It's about him that he won't able to bring himself to see you the same person he once married even your intention was good, no harm. He would never learn to trust you again. As a military wife, I've never once cheated. I would have plenty of guys, some are cuter than my H, if I wanted to strayed. But I wouldn't do it that because how much I respect and love my H. Is cheating hereditary? I'm not sure but I know for sure that both my mother and long lost father both cheated. Cheating is a choice! You do it or you don't. Chose wisely...
JadeStar Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I'm not sure if cheating can be heridtary or not, its possible. However, reguardless of wheather it is or not, its a choice more than anything. Just becasue someones mother/father cheated doesn't mean their children will to etc. People make their own choices on whether they want to cheat or not. Jade
sylviaguardian Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 Cheating is not hereditary because hereditary means that it is passed on through the genes. What can be passed on though is a mental mindset e.g. that cheating is ok provided no-one finds out. I think that is what has happened to you. It's pretty easy to change really. Just do the following: - Don't ever put yourself in a situation where you are alone with a man you find attractive - Think about the likely consequences of your actions. Pretty simple really. Syl
Outcast Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 Stay out of the bars. You'll find that your fondness for other men increases at the rate your fondness for booze increases.
TheWife Posted September 3, 2006 Posted September 3, 2006 I will try to make this as short as possible. I found at at a young age that my father was unfaithful to my mother. And continues to do the same with his new wife. I was married at 16 and I know it is my true love. I couldn't imagine my life without him and our kids. My H is in the military and is deployed and we are very far from our family. I have made very good friends with our neighbors and we visit very often. Only recently have I realized that I am attracted to my neighbor's son who is also married with kids. I had never looked at him in this way since we've lived here. He began flirting with me a little here and there. I haven't had anyone ever flirt with me since before I was married, which I found to be very strange and a little depressing since it used to happen all the time. I just figured it had stopped since I had to young kids trailing behind me everywhere I went. I would have a drink every now and then on the weekends and I noticed that when the OM drank, the flirting was more frequent and obvious. His wife is hardly there because of her work hours. I have become more addicted to drinking than I have ever been and when we go over there, there is never a shortage. Not long ago, after a quite few drinks, I found myself kissing OM. I have never cheated on my H before and never planned or looked for someone to cheat with. We have a very solid relationship considering the odds being against us. We are best friends and enjoy each other's company more than most military marriages. This is not his first deployment abd more than likely not his last. I will add that with the first deployment I was never tempted to cheat because I was to disstraught that he was gone. I am more independant because of it and I think that is part of the reason why this happened. I know my father loved my mother dearly even though he strayed. I would never leave my H for OM or anyone else. I feel like the worst wife on earth because my man is fighting for our country and I let this happen. However I know other wives that live for the day that their H leaves again. Cheating is NOT hereditary. It is a "learned behavior". Because your F cheated on your M and she put up with it, in your eyes as a child, you believed it to be "normal." It's the same as if a child witnesses a parent physically abuse the other. This learned behavior is carried on to the child's adult life, hence the viciousness of this learned behavior is repeated. It will continue to be repeated on to next generation, until you decide that this is NOT a normal behavior, learn to understand it, and then make the choice to put a stop. I will repeat my reply to a couple of posts. One of the major driving force that causes people to engage in A or EMRs is lack of or low self-esteem. They come from a place of fear and they live with. If what you say is true that you and your H are best friends, why would your fear telling him what your needs are? You say you "never planned" on cheating on your H, but the fact is you did. You knew he was in the military. You knew the probability of him being deployed for months would happen and it did. This is his chosen career. It is what he loves. It is no different than have you been an executive of a Fortune 500 company that would require you to travel for an extended period of time. There are "temptations" to cheat. But, I bet that if you regarded yourself with respect, you wouldn't think of compromising it in an affair, would you? This is what cheating does. It compromises one's self-respect and dignity because their decision to cheat is based on lies and deception. I had one request of my H or ex-H2B. I asked him that if either one of us ever thought of cheating was to let each other know, divorce so to spare the faithful spouse the humility, pain and betrayal. My H & I promised that to each other. I kept my promise. But my H didn't. There are those who married at 16 who remained married 70 years later. So you can't use age as an excuse to justify your reasons to cheat. Don't repeat the same mistake your father did that he continues today. You have two kids. Don't make them pay for the decision you are about make. An A is like a drug addiction. And you are on your way on becoming addicted. A offers you the illusion of a perfect relationship. But do you know the problems with an illusion? It has no flaws. It doesn't account for sexually transmitted diseases that you could be infected with which you will in turn infect on your H and onto your unborn child. You don't how many OW your OM has cheated with. Is this the kind of life an "independent" woman you claim to be want as part of her future? Think about it. Affairs has no obligation nor reponsibilities to those who are involved. It's all about self-indulgence. Like a drug, you crave the attention you get from the OM. He's now your fix. He makes you high, but in a few hours, that fix wears off. Then you start craving for more. Before you know it, like a drug addict, you desperately look for ways to get the OM and get your fix. You start rearranging your daily routines with your kids. Instead of preparing a well balanced meal for your kids, you frequent fast food drive thrus. You may even start withdrawing from your kids college funds or grocery money in order to buy gas so that you can drive to your OM. Instead of long bed time stories, you cut it short so that you can make a call, email, or text message your OM. Without realizing it, you have perfected the art of lying, sneaking and cheating. There are no payoffs to cheating. Like a hurricane, it leaves destruction and ruined lives. But with modern weather technology and forecast, you already know what to expect when it hits. You already how cheating will hit. The question is, how do you prepare for it and avoid being hit by it, so that your family's lives are intact and unharmed. And even if your H is out of the country, your H is relying on you to hold the fort so that when he comes home, you and your family can enjoy what is not destroyed. You're not quite there to becoming an addict. You have one small window of opportunity to not take the drug. Decide wisely. Think about.
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