Guest Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I am very sad and frustrated with a current situation in my life, and would like an outside perspective. I have been with my BF for more than six years; we have a very solid relationship, generally speaking. Recently, however, I’ve become aware of some behaviors which I am finding upsetting. We have a shared cell phone account (two phones, share minutes), and our text messaging bill was really high. I thought the phone company made a mistake, until I realized that in the course of one month he had exchanged over 200 messages with a friend who lives in another state. Seems she was very sick, home from work, and he was entertaining her. Flash back in time – they reconnected after college, and she ended up moving away shortly after we found out that she lives nearby. We were going to invite her out, never did; she called him when she was moving because she didn’t have friends here and asked him to help her pack. He did, twice. I offered once to go with him, and he said no, she was going through a lot and this was an important avenue for her to vent (mother is suicidal, hence the move home). Flash forward – she returns to our state for a visit. I say I’d like to meet her; he says, no, she’s psychotic, that would not be good. Through a series of events, she ends up crashing on our couch for a night. She is a little weird, but generally nice, and we get along fine. They are supposed to spend some time together while she’s up here, but she blows him off. Back to the current day….they’ve marginally kept in touch by phone, text message, occasional email. He’s generally pretty open with me about it, but the volume of contact is upsetting me. I feel threatened, and mention this once or twice. Silence – no reaction. Well, for several nights in a row she’s been calling very late; we’re in the middle of a serious career discussion, and she calls. He turns off the phone says, “Oh, It’s X, I don’t want to talk to her.” I just lost it. All the tension/frustration/jealousy building up….I made some snide comment about her being a stalker. He was extremely pissed. We talked about it last night, and he says that he feels like he can’t have female friends, that I’m always threatened. It’s hard for me to be objective….but I’m willing to accept that. He tells me what I said was rude – okay, I can’t disagree. He tells me that the basis of their friendship is that she’s just responsive to him, that he doesn’t have a lot of friends, that he sees me everyday and knows what’s going on in my life; it’s nice to have a window to the world, etc. etc. I GET THAT. I really do. But what upsets me is that I get our phone bill, and today alone they exchanged 10 text messages. Am I being blind here? Is there something I need to do? Any thoughts greatly appreciated.
Rooster_DAR Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 When an EX is involved, things can get ugly pretty quickly. You have every right to be concerned, and he needs to respect how you feel about it. Bottom line, if he is not sharing with you the discussions he's having with her, then he is withholding/being secretive and this in itself is considered infidelity (unless their planning a surprise birthday party for you). In a committed relationship, it's imperative that you share things such as this with your S/O. Some people can handle this kind of thing, most people can't. With respect to your feelings and concerns, your relationship comes first and if this is causing ripples, then he needs to do what it takes to keep the relationship stable, this includes dropping contact with her. Some people might disagree with this, but they will learn sometime in the future that this is inevitably true. Here is another perspective, if your S/O is not providing you with information, and you feel like you have to ask questions to get some answers; there is a big problem with that. I don't have a problem with my S/O asking me who I'm talking to, I am glad that my S/O is concerned because it shows she is involved with our relationship. Now if it becomes obsessive, after repeated proof that they are innocuous conversations, you need to work on your side, there may be some trust issues arising. My S/O is honestly a very secure person, and when she found out my Ex called, she was livid. My last two relationships ended because my instincts were right about the cell phone thing, and I found out they were even talking to the O/M right in my face. Good luck
scrybe74 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I am very sad and frustrated with a current situation in my life, and would like an outside perspective. I have been with my BF for more than six years; we have a very solid relationship, generally speaking. Recently, however, I’ve become aware of some behaviors which I am finding upsetting. We have a shared cell phone account (two phones, share minutes), and our text messaging bill was really high. I thought the phone company made a mistake, until I realized that in the course of one month he had exchanged over 200 messages with a friend who lives in another state. Seems she was very sick, home from work, and he was entertaining her. Flash back in time – they reconnected after college, and she ended up moving away shortly after we found out that she lives nearby. We were going to invite her out, never did; she called him when she was moving because she didn’t have friends here and asked him to help her pack. He did, twice. I offered once to go with him, and he said no, she was going through a lot and this was an important avenue for her to vent (mother is suicidal, hence the move home). Flash forward – she returns to our state for a visit. I say I’d like to meet her; he says, no, she’s psychotic, that would not be good. Through a series of events, she ends up crashing on our couch for a night. She is a little weird, but generally nice, and we get along fine. They are supposed to spend some time together while she’s up here, but she blows him off. Back to the current day….they’ve marginally kept in touch by phone, text message, occasional email. He’s generally pretty open with me about it, but the volume of contact is upsetting me. I feel threatened, and mention this once or twice. Silence – no reaction. Well, for several nights in a row she’s been calling very late; we’re in the middle of a serious career discussion, and she calls. He turns off the phone says, “Oh, It’s X, I don’t want to talk to her.” I just lost it. All the tension/frustration/jealousy building up….I made some snide comment about her being a stalker. He was extremely pissed. We talked about it last night, and he says that he feels like he can’t have female friends, that I’m always threatened. It’s hard for me to be objective….but I’m willing to accept that. He tells me what I said was rude – okay, I can’t disagree. He tells me that the basis of their friendship is that she’s just responsive to him, that he doesn’t have a lot of friends, that he sees me everyday and knows what’s going on in my life; it’s nice to have a window to the world, etc. etc. I GET THAT. I really do. But what upsets me is that I get our phone bill, and today alone they exchanged 10 text messages. Am I being blind here? Is there something I need to do? Any thoughts greatly appreciated. I'm not clear on whether she was an ex or not based on your story. You may have overreacted a little to his friendship but the MONEY issue is a no brainer. If you two are sharing expenses you need to have a talk. If he's gonna run up the bill then split your phone account (and maybe your finances) If he thinks that this friendship is a priority to him and worth investing both of your pooled finances then you might want to take a step back and reevaluate things with him. Trying to make him cut off the friendship will just drive him to her. Listen...she's far away and it doesn't sound like he's really that into her. You might want to look at your relationship instead of looking outside at her for the problem. maybe he's feeling ready to move on so he's acting out to make you act up and whamo-he's got an excuse to dump you. Think about it.
SarahRose Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Yes definitely talk to him about it and it needs to stop. There is male friend who has taken to confiding in and talking to me about things he should be talking to his so about. I discourage it.
JAZZYJ Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Well... what i would want to know is what they have to talk about?, 200 txt's is a lot on 1 person, theres only so much ya can talk about, with out it getting saucy.... and with her being an ex as well.... hmmm.... hard one to call, but maybe he could limit it to a few txts per week, as for the turning off of the phone when you are there, that would worry me, why has he got so much to say when you aint there , yet none when you are? ....KEEP IT REAL....JAZZYJ;)
Rooster_DAR Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 This is ridiculous, and it needs to stop. That many text messages is a big red flag unless he is telling U what they are talking about. I went throught the same thing, let it go for a while, and when it got worse I finally did some detective work. When I asked my EX to be very honest about who she was text messaging, she blantantly lied in my face and was very convincing. I then produced the phone records to her and asked her if she was sure, and she looked shocked! I called the number, and found out that it was a co-worker she had been out of town for several months with on a job, and that she was spending night and day texting this man. She even did this the whole time I took her on a romantic weekend for the both of us. Unacceptable!
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