SpyderBaby Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I am currently almost 20 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend has recently told me he doesn't want it, to have an abortion and that he's too young to be a father (he's 22, I'm 18, how does he think I feel?). I really do not know if I should wait it out and see if he comes round at all or if I should finish this relationship and go it alone, but I'm afraid that no one will want a single mother and I'll die alone. Any time I try to talk to him about anything, he won't listen or he'll change the subject. I don't want him to feel as if I've 'trapped' him, but he won't talk to me either. We've been together 10 months. Only last month he was telling me he wanted to marry me. Why such the sudden change, and what should I do? Please post your suggestions, this has really been getting me down.
LittleWingedOne Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 First of all, you will NOT die alone. I know many single mothers that have gone on to meet men and get married or date (based on what they wanted). If you want to keep the baby, your best bet is to go through the next few weeks/months preparing yourself for doing this alone (hopefully you will have family to help). He could just be scared, but I wouldn't fully trust that just yet, wait it out, but don't believe 100% that he will come around, it will hurt more if he doesn't. If you love him though, don't ditch him just yet.
RecordProducer Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 First of all, let me say that everything will be OK, so calm down. Right now your boyfriend feels trapped and cornered by this no-choice situation. He feels trapped, because you didn't give him any choice to make a decision, but you just decided to keep the baby. He is obviously not against abortion so he sees the situation as one where his desires don't count. I had an abortion a couple weeks ago because my husband didn't want the baby. I initially wanted to keep it so I know what kind of pressure this case brings. I don't know if you got pregnant by accident, but he thinks that you're keeping the baby for the purpose of tricking him into marriage. So his first impulse is to say he doesn't want to marry you or have anything to do with the baby. Your "correct" response should be: OK. I've seen men who wanted babies just to abandon them later and men who didn't want to hear about their babies and loved them to death later. Your BF will come around if you: - don't insist on what an ass he is because of his statements; - don't hold his words against him; - don't pressure him about how cute the baby will be or how unhappy it will be without a father; - don't threaten; - don't promise happiness if he marries you or has the baby; - don't attack him; - don't break up with him; and - don't become all miserable and crazy (no matter how hard it is now). Simply act as if there is nothing wrong. In this difficult situation, the best you can do for all the three of you is to be sweet and nice to him, to soften his heart, and make him realize that he will have a lovely girl (or wife) by his side who will have his child. Don't talk about the baby. DON'T BREAK UP!!! If he broke up with you, he will come back. Your goal is to STAY with him. If he gets through your pregnancy and labor together with you, he will naturally accept the baby and love it. If you ditch him now, he won't show up later. No matter how much you want to poke his eyes out at this moment (I don't blame you), control yourself and be sweet. If you can't look at him or he drives you crazy, make up an excuse to go home and spend some time without him until you calm down. He will love the baby if he is a humane person. And if he is not then you don't need him in your life and all I can tell you is that you made a mistake for getting pregnant with him. But just because he says these things to you doesn't mean he means them deep inside. And even if he means every single word, it doesn't mean he won't change his mind when he sees his baby. Every time he tells you he doesn't want the baby, tell him softly: "OK, honey, nobody is forcing you to do anything. I will raise and love our baby for both of us. What else can I do? But I love you anyway. " Thgis will leave him speechless, disarmed by your sweetness, and open his heart for accepting the baby. You didn't give him a choice before so do it now: show him that he has a choice - to love the baby or not - and you will respect whatever choice he will make (yeah, right, if he only knew! ). He is not himself right now. And you're not either. He is an ass right now and you're a mess, because your hormones jump like a bungee due to the pregnancy. DON'T FIGHT WITH HIM!!! Fights can ruin father's love like nothing else. My father, who adores me, had a son with a woman 13 years ago (he planned and wanted the baby). His second wife (the mother of the child) with whom he never lived together, made sure to ruin everything he could feel about his son. She was blaming him for not giving enough money (he was buying all the things she would ask for and then she would call and say he never bought them plus he was paying child support from day one). She blamed him for not wiping his nose and ass. She was insulting him every time he would come to her house to see the baby so he didn't feel like going there. Then she blamed him for NOT seeing him enough which made the meetings with his son even worse. She was talking against him at his work place, among his friends, and acquaintances, she wanted to know his every move. She didn't let me see my brother, but didn't mind asking me later for him to sleep in my mom's apartment cuz he was visiting my city (my mom said NO). And finally, she taught her son against his father. My father admitted to me that he doesn't have the feelings he would like to have for his son. He said he loved me to death and his world crushed when I moved to the US, but his feelings for his son were nothing like those for me. I told him it's because his ex-wife made sure to gross him out about everything that had to do with his son. And the boy looks like my dad and is smart, hard-working, and eager to learn just like him. Don't make her mistakes. My husband's brother didn't want his second child and his wife had it against his will, but he loves his son very much. Please keep in mind that your BF is still hoping that you will change your mind and have an abortion, because legally you still CAN. So he is trying to persuade you in the nastiest possible way. Ignore his BS (unless you want to abort it) and give him some time. At the end of the pregnancy, IF YOU HAVE BEEN GOOD TO HIM ALL THIS TIME, he will feel guilty. But if you constantly spill insults and accusations, he will only get defensive and find excuses to dump you and the baby!!! Be good to your BF and some day this all will be a bad memory. Right now it seems like a nightmare, but you will wake up soon. If he left/leaves you and really doesn't accept the baby, don't worry - you will love and be loved many more times. I had two sons when I maried my second husband. he adores them and didn't even want to have a 3rd child. He said his two sons (my sons) are neough for him. He is better to them than their own father who was not bad, but left us and was seeing them once a week. I know many women who re-married with 2,3,4, and even 5 children and have found happiness in their marriages and their husbands loved their kids as their own.
norajane Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 20 weeks, huh? It took him 5 months to tell you he wants you to get an abortion? RP gave you some great advice on how to handle this now. If your bf doesn't come around after your baby is born, and you decide that you just can't raise it as a single mother, adoption is another option to consider. Some people would never consider that, and you might not be able to either, but you don't have to be a mother if you just can't.
a4a Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 20 weeks, huh? It took him 5 months to tell you he wants you to get an abortion? RP gave you some great advice on how to handle this now. If your bf doesn't come around after your baby is born, and you decide that you just can't raise it as a single mother, adoption is another option to consider. Some people would never consider that, and you might not be able to either, but you don't have to be a mother if you just can't. Not a damn thing wrong with a woman realizing she is not ready to be a mother or cannot provide. This is a great option indeed.
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 If you want to have the baby, be prepared to do it without him. After 5 mos along, you'd probably already made up your mind to keep it. You are young and I can guarantee that you will not die alone. That's plain ridiculous. I am a single mother and have dated and am now in a commited relationship. If he doesn't want to stick around, it's his loss. You can't make him stay anyways. Don't feel guilty about it either unless you did intentionally try to trap him. It takes two to make a baby. Do you have the support of your family? They will probably be most helpful to you. Good Luck to you, and please do not try and keep this man if he doesn't want to stay.
jenniferlm Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Hmmm.... I don't get where he thinks he didn't have a choice in this matter. He made the choice to have sex, and more importantly the choice not to wear a condom. Seems like he bears a equal share of the responsibility for the pregnancy to me. Lots of single mothers end up finding happiness. It all depends on you being picky from now on when it comes to who you go out with. Very picky. Don't settle for anyone immature, selfish, egotistical, ignorant, thoughtless, etc etc.
Guest Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Try talking to his parents and your parents... not that it will for sure change anything, but they might be able to talk some sense into him. Don't have an abortion... you will always wonder what your baby would have been like... and you will always have that guilt. You won't die alone, because when you finally find someone... you will know they really love you and accept you for who you are... baby and all. Or maybe your bf will even come around when he sees that little miracle smiling up at him.
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