What does this all mean

[joyvke]

Well first of all, I'm a dutch girl, so sorry if my English is crappy ^^;. I'm 22 years old and this is my story.

 

My ex and I were together almost 3 years, both 22, and I was his first girlfriend. We only saw eachother in weekends, and before we started dating he was a bit of a loner. Still is at times. I'm more social, but I never cared he wasn't. Though he always said I could get someone better then him... anyway on to the story now.

 

A few weeks ago my (ex)boyfriend and I were talking about living together. We never had fights and if there were fights we moved on and everything was alright again. Nothing prepared me of what was coming the weeks after our plans.

 

Two weeks after we were talking about living together, he was acting strange, I thought maybe he was tired from work and all.

 

On a thursday, he blurted his problem out, he doesnt love me as his girlfriend anymore... I was angry and drove over to his place. It's a one hour drive and it was very stupid of me, I know. We talked things over, and at first he wasn't very sure but he felt it was the best thing to just end it. So not even a break or something.

 

That weekend he wanted to talk again. And I said something about commitment fear(no idea if that's spelled right sorry). He thought that wasn't the case and waved that away. Though he did read articles about it and even did a test where he was on the edge of the score of that fear.

 

He all waved it away. I got sad and angry at the same time, kept calling him. I was confused didn't knew why he didn't even wanted to give it a chance, to let me prove feelings always can get back. But he said, this was the best thing to do.

 

I tried to end the friendship. Last sunday he was here. In the beginning he was a total jackass, like he was on the phone as well. After a few hours I finally broke through his wall. I asked him where the man was I used to know. And he started crying. We hugged and kissed and had sex. I asked him how he felt about it. The hugging and all was nice, but he felt as if he was fooling me. I said that he'd fool me if he would do it when it wouldn't feel nice at all. (This is only the hugging part, the sex part was mostly lust, for both of us).

 

He felt guilty having sex, but I said it was ok. I asked him how he would feel if I would have done it with someone else. He replied he wouldn't like that. Why wouldn't he like that? He is the one who broke up, right?

 

When he left we hugged a lot and he promised me to think more positive, instead of "it's never going to work out again" x 100. And he is willing to open his heart for me. The ball is in his hands for the contact part now. I still believe he needs time... cause all the signals he still loves me are there I think... I'm still very sad about the fact he doesn't want to give me one chance... ah well. He doesn't want to talk with other people about his feelings, cause that won't change a thing, so that's also a crappy part in this story.

 

Isn't the base of a relation, friendship? He is still attracted to me, so I suppose that's good. I'm not attracted to my exboyfriends when I broke up. But those relations were far from good (slapping and the 2nd one cheated on me).

 

Shall I just give up and move on with my life and starting to date other people. Cause I'm still sure he is my soulmate and that he maybe needs "other material" so to say (other girlfriend) to 'compare' his feelings. I don't know. I just want him to be with me once again. It was always nice and all . Bleh. Sorry for the long story and I hope it wasn't that hard to read ^^:.

 

Thanks in advance,

 

Kate

[Outcast]

Unfortunately, a lot of men seem to be less men and more scared little rabbits - terrified of all women; that women are horrors just out to make their lives miserable. Oh, we're fine as a gender for occasional companionship and, of course, sex, but they think the Evil Witch will come along and turn us in to monsters once we are an official couple.

 

Not much you can do about that, I'm afraid. Next time, ask a guy early on what he envisions for his life and if the very thought of a lifetime with someone makes him blanch, run far and fast. That sort doesn't seem very interested in getting over unreasonable phobias so it's best just to give up on him and find one who has some actual gonads.

[Joyvke]

Unfortunately, a lot of men seem to be less men and more scared little rabbits - terrified of all women; that women are horrors just out to make their lives miserable. Oh, we're fine as a gender for occasional companionship and, of course, sex, but they think the Evil Witch will come along and turn us in to monsters once we are an official couple.

 

Not much you can do about that, I'm afraid. Next time, ask a guy early on what he envisions for his life and if the very thought of a lifetime with someone makes him blanch, run far and fast. That sort doesn't seem very interested in getting over unreasonable phobias so it's best just to give up on him and find one who has some actual gonads.

 

Took the time to register myself. Easier replying and all.

 

Well after three years I may assume he doesn't have to be afraid I would change him into a monster right? If I wanted to change him, wouldn't I had done that long before? Anyway thanks for your reply. Though asking a male early about his live visions sound scary ;p.

I'm not going to have a relation anymore. It's just too painfull when it ends. And it's even more painfull if it ends while having such a good time.

*sigh* Maybe I need a rebound buddy, but I think that's just too evil. Thus I'm not the type for that.

[Joyvke]

Well I just briefly talked to him. I asked him if he missed me. He said sometimes, so I guess that's good. I didn't expected to hear that answer more like "not really".

Also I asked him if he was happy when we were together, he said he was, but not lately because of his feelings... Could it be the distance we had? We only saw eachother in the weekends . Blah I wish I could look inside his head.

[Joyvke]

Blah and now he said he doesnt miss me at all. And he's acting like a real jerk again . He says he doesn't want a relation, not with anyone.

 

My guess he has found someone else but is afraid to admit it or something.... how can you find out after 3 years you're not ready.. I mean, why couldn't he find out sooner ;_;. I hate him and I feel guitly and useless *sigh*

 

Sorry.

[BannaBee57]

Joyvke,

 

Wow, were we dating the same man? Probably not, since I live in the US, but your ex sounds very similar to mine!

 

He told me his feeling had changed for me (just like yours!). He said he still loves me but doesn't think I'm the person he wants to marry and that he "needs to find that person". I know this feeling is the worst. I keep wondering why he wouldn't give me one more chance to show him we can be the way we used to be. He didn't even want to try! We were together for 2 1/2 years. When we talked on the phone for the last time I asked if he missed me at all and he said "sometimes" too! Did your guy say anything like "maybe it will work out in the future"? Mine did. I don't know if he meant it or not.

 

It's so hard to accept that they want to move on isn't it? If I were you I'd not force myself to go out with others just yet. I tried this and ended up crying in the middle of a bar! Just spend lots of time with friends and family...flirt and have a good time but don't jump into a relationship just to drown the feelings or get back at the ex, or your feelings might resurface later because you haven't fully dealt with them.

 

Well anyway, my ex and I haven't talked in 2 weeks, but I still hope we can be friends and see each other at some point (otherwise how is he going to see what he's missing and want me back ) Right now I'm making improvments on myself like going to the gym and trying to achieve the body I've always wanted. When he sees me in a few months he won't even know who it is!!

 

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress. It helps to talk through things.

 

I know the best thing for me to do is stop plotting on how to get him back and start moving on. Why moon over someone who isn't smart enough to love us?

 

~Breanna

[Joyvke]

Ok BIG bump. Too bad I'm still not sure what to think about it.

 

We've been away for the weekend. We would've been together for 3 years at 14th of October. At first I asked him if he wanted to do something, then I asked him if he wanted to go away for a weekend (friday till monday). He said yes and so we went to a small cabin in the Netherlands for a weekend.

 

We haven't seen eachother for a month. He walked towards me and I assumed he wanted to hug. He gave me a kiss on the lips. When I aksed why he did that he couldn't give me a clear answer. Anyway, the whole weekend was so much fun. It was a bit awkward in the beginning. It felt as if we were together once more. Lot's of crying and hugging, kissing in the weekend. I know it's wrong. Well he still feels as if I'm a friend, though he didn't treated me like a friend, but like his girlfriend. Holding hands and all. I might be his first girlfriend, and first girly friend, but I assume one knows what's the difference between those 2.

 

He said he was happy we still felt so safe and fine with eachother and he's sure we could be friends in the future... Friends? I don't want to be friends, I want more then this, and and and.... I said, I didn't know if I could be friends.... I'd love to, but I'd only hurt myself I think.

 

I've got 2 options, and those have 2 options as well (confusing huh?)

 

1) No contact, (a) might result he realises he do need me in his life, (b) might result he would forget about me and the friendship (and possibility to more) would fade away.

2) Contact, (a) might result in me going nuts, and sad (on the other hand, i'll feel like that when no contact as well), (b) he doesn't get the chance to miss me, since I'll just "be there".

 

It's just so messed up. He still misses me at times, he admitted in the beginning he asked himself if this was the right descision (he still does at times). And I really don't know what to do . The options I gave have both and advantage and disadvantage *cry*. Both options would make me feel bad. I still want him as my boyfriend. I said to him, please think about it again and don't think about the bad feeling all the time, see the good feelings as well...

He said he loves me less then I love him. Or loved me in a wrong way (no idea how you can love someone on a wrong way...).

 

I'm happy I was his first girlfriend, but on the other hand it sucks he has to go through this phase while being my boyfriend (well ex now but still)...

It's just, he had loads of time for himself in the beginning of the relation, and now he has a full time job, and all his spare time was spent in me, so he didn't had "me" time. I still think that also might be the case.

And the worst part he said. "Maybe I need to be a year alone, but don't wait for me, I don't want to see you suffer". Or something like that. Aaaaargh *going nuts*. Sorry for the long story again, and thanks for reading. I was hoping I would get a good reason so that I could go on, or that he wanted to get back, but neither has happened and I'm still left behind with "eh wtf happened, why is it over again?".

 

*takes a deep breath and let's out a big sigh*

 

Joyvke,

 

Wow, were we dating the same man? Probably not, since I live in the US, but your ex sounds very similar to mine!

 

He told me his feeling had changed for me (just like yours!). He said he still loves me but doesn't think I'm the person he wants to marry and that he "needs to find that person". I know this feeling is the worst. I keep wondering why he wouldn't give me one more chance to show him we can be the way we used to be. He didn't even want to try! We were together for 2 1/2 years. When we talked on the phone for the last time I asked if he missed me at all and he said "sometimes" too! Did your guy say anything like "maybe it will work out in the future"? Mine did. I don't know if he meant it or not.

 

~Breanna

 

Hey Breanna, how is your situation right now with the ex, and how do you feel now?