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choices, confusion. unknown,questions, questioning

basscatcher

By basscatcher
in General Relationship Discussion

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a4a Established Member

a4a

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The loons and dewy docks are for ME.. I am a country girl and love being near the water and forests...

 

I need a vacation so-to-speak... I need to get away from the damn computer, I need to get away from my gfs, I need to get away from the big city, I need to get away from the clubs, I need to get out of my cramped little clostrophic apartment.. I need to get away from the smell and sounds of exhaust and sirens flying past my apt bldg 24/7... I need to escape away from the demands everyone has of me..... I'm ready to pop...

 

I have never had problems with headaches in my life and for the past 2 weeks my head has been throbbing off my shoulders like never never never before.. Even the Chiropractor couldn't help me, Advil isn't helping, sleep isnt helping... I need to run away and escape..

 

I know Charlie will give me my space... I know he will...

I am attempting to USE him for his cabin---YES... I told him I wanted to use him for his cabin on the lake to get away and requested he give me space so I can be by myself and think, clear my head and relax.

He said he would....

 

 

well cool :) but when you go leave all the BS behind. Start just living in the moment and not thinking about things too deeply. Go skinny dippin' (with your mind as well).

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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well cool :) but when you go leave all the BS behind. Start just living in the moment and not thinking about things too deeply. Go skinny dippin' (with your mind as well).

 

 

 

LOL last time I went skinny dipping. I lost my swimsuit in the river and had to ride bike back into town 5 miles with towels wrapped around me. lol

 

As for leaving the BS behind thats the point. I'm ready to crack...

 

With the fresh air, without the distractions of life (family, friends, home, child, job, car, city) .. Peace, quiet, in God's country..

a4a Established Member

a4a

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LOL last time I went skinny dipping. I lost my swimsuit in the river and had to ride bike back into town 5 miles with towels wrapped around me. lol

 

As for leaving the BS behind thats the point. I'm ready to crack...

 

With the fresh air, without the distractions of life (family, friends, home, child, job, car, city) .. Peace, quiet, in God's country..

 

and hot monkey love......:p :p :p :p :p :p :lmao:

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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and hot monkey love......:p :p :p :p :p :p :lmao:

 

Gosh could I use some of that.... WOW...

 

NO thats not my intentions... I'm not even looking for that or hoping for it.

 

I just want to get lost in the scene of the lake and trees, the smells and sounds of being away from people and the city hussle and bussle.

 

Charlie will be there if I need company.. I can also observe him and how he treats me and how he respects me when I need my space..

a4a Established Member

a4a

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Gosh could I use some of that.... WOW...

 

NO thats not my intentions... I'm not even looking for that or hoping for it.

 

I just want to get lost in the scene of the lake and trees, the smells and sounds of being away from people and the city hussle and bussle.

 

Charlie will be there if I need company.. I can also observe him and how he treats me and how he respects me when I need my space..

 

 

well be to the point with him in his language...no thinking that he should just get it.

 

Have fun catching frogs and roasting marshmallows..... take a camera with you..... wish I was going. Sounds nice. :)

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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He has a octogon shaped cabin with huge windows almost all the way around it. It has a patio all the way around it. It has a loft upstairs with a queen bed, kitchen, fridge, sick, etc, even Satillite tv with dvd player.. (all the amenities),.. He also has a large camper sort of behind the cabin which has a queen size bed, pull out bunks, a shower, kitchen, etc etc. So there is seperate sleeping spaces.. Plenty...

 

He has four 4-wheelers up there and lots of trails he and his brothers made if I want to escape into the woods. A fishing boat, paddle boat, pontoon and dock.. Plenty of fishing rods and reels.. Its a few miles out int he country away from everything... If we need anything we can go to town.

 

So its not roughing it but its peaceful and thats all I want right now..

I want my phone to stop ringing... I want people to leave me alone. I want to just be....

 

catching frogs. fun fun fun. how about turtles??? Fish..... Yeahh... maybe I can talk him into bringin up his sons pellet gun.. ?? wahooooooooooooo.. lol ok stop stop stop Pada... You need to relax....

a4a Established Member

a4a

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wow pada if you decide you don't want him...... I'll take him just for cabin useage! :lmao: :lmao: :p :p

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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wow pada if you decide you don't want him...... I'll take him just for cabin useage! :lmao: :lmao: :p :p

 

And the condo in Florida on the beach!!

and a big Dogde truck that I have to JUMP up to get in..

His art collection.

His brand new 2006 Harley Sportster, EtcETc..

 

bla bla bla bla

.. I want matters of the heart...

 

He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He doesn't spend a lot in one place but he does like nice things.

 

Its not his money or his things.. Its matters of the heart that mean most to me.. Quality of communication and relationship.

blind_otter Established Member

blind_otter

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Take a picture of the good view and put it up in your profile so I can live vicariously. :p

a4a Established Member

a4a

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And the condo in Florida on the beach!!

and a big Dogde truck that I have to JUMP up to get in..

His art collection.

His brand new 2006 Harley Sportster, EtcETc..

 

bla bla bla bla

.. I want matters of the heart...

 

He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He doesn't spend a lot in one place but he does like nice things.

 

Its not his money or his things.. Its matters of the heart that mean most to me.. Quality of communication and relationship.

 

 

oh you want a dumpster diving romantic poet type? :p :p :lmao:

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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oh you want a dumpster diving romantic poet type? :p :p :lmao:

 

As long as we have a good roof over our heads, food on our table, a car that runs, clothes on our back, we are healthy and bills are paid--then give me the romantic poet. and guess what I do 'dumster dive' You can get some good shyt in those ritzy neighborhoods.. I have some really nice furniture and pictures...!!

 

One person junk is anothers treasure..

nicki Established Member

nicki

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Hi Pada. I always appreciate your deep thinking ways.

 

However, sometimes we have to limit how much time we gather and analyze information before we make a decision and take action.

 

If you want to give charlie another chance, then do it. See how it goes for a given period of time. Give it your all. Go to couples counselling.

 

Personally, I think if I have to talk myself into something, or exert too much force to change someone, then it's not meant to be.

 

Still, it sounds like you want to be with Charlie, for whatever reason. Maybe you feel you have put so much effort into his progression...and you want to give it another go....so, if you do:

 

Stop all contact with the other dude. He is keeping you from your goals. He is unavailable. His wanting or not wanting you doesn't mean a thing to your self-esteem.

 

You taking action will increase your self-esteem, whatever you do. And you don't need Charlie, either. If you want him, and he's changing his behavior to meet your needs, then it's still up to you if its too little to late....or not....

 

Just please take some decisive action, and know that you will be able to change direction in the future, given new information.

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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Heres Charlies claim-->

 

He says:

he wasn't himself when we met and now he is.

he was on guard and wasn't being his true self.

he says he has since snapped out of his stupidness and can be who he is.

he says he has always been the one in all his relationships who was the overly affectionate one.

he says he was scared to allow himself to be vulnerable again after being burnt 2xs in a row.

 

 

That is why he is asking for a second chance. To prove himself to me...

nicki Established Member

nicki

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Is that what you want, Pada?

 

Is he NOW more like the kind of man you want?

 

I applaud his desire to change, and his awareness of his problems. Is he willing to go to counseling to work on them?

 

Awareness is not enough. He must learn new skills, new ways of behavior. And he must learn them from a professional, or he will revert to old behavior.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Heres Charlies claim-->

 

He says:

he wasn't himself when we met and now he is.

he was on guard and wasn't being his true self.

he says he has since snapped out of his stupidness and can be who he is.

he says he has always been the one in all his relationships who was the overly affectionate one.

he says he was scared to allow himself to be vulnerable again after being burnt 2xs in a row.

 

 

That is why he is asking for a second chance. To prove himself to me...

 

I just worry though, that he still isn't going to meet your needs. Needs as in affection, telling you "I love you" and cuddling...You want and need that, but is the "new" Charlie capable of giving you all that you desire? And, he loves to shower you with his affections with gifts...That's his way of showing you what he feels, and I remember inthe past you said it made you feel uncomfortable, but he told you that is how he is, and that he can't handle that intense intimacy.

 

Just hope you keep your eyes open and don't get serious fast with him, if you do choose to be with him...Take it slow, don't jump into the relationship, and don't have sex with him...Get to really know eachother as people and as friends...Then see what happens.

 

Not too sure what to say about the other guy in your life, but I think he's going to be in the back of your mind...Especially if you do end up again with Charlie, that guy can't be such a big part of your life like he is now.

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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Is that what you want, Pada?

 

Is he NOW more like the kind of man you want?

 

I applaud his desire to change, and his awareness of his problems. Is he willing to go to counseling to work on them?

 

Awareness is not enough. He must learn new skills, new ways of behavior. And he must learn them from a professional, or he will revert to old behavior.

 

either you are doubting what he has claimed or your dont understand...

 

Let me try explain again...>

 

My complaint when I dated him was that he wasn't affectionate and he wasn't sharing inner-personal communication with me.. He was also hung up on his xgf and everytime he seen her or she called him (she harrassed him--he didnt answer or return her phone calls except when she threatened suicide.)

 

It got to be too much for me to handle so I stepped off back in April.

 

He use to tell me to give him time and he would make comments when I questioned him about those issues and he would say "you never can tell!", "It's a secret!" with a little smile on his face and he would change the subject.

 

He states that when he met me he 'choose' to not be affectionate and expressive with the next woman that came into his life because he said he was the more affectionate one in his relationships with his xwife and xgirlfriend. They both took advantage of him and used him because he was overly loving and giving. I was angry because I felt like he was taking out the punishment on me that was due for them.. At least I felt (thought) that way..

 

He states he is ready to be himself with me. He says he can be and is naturally an affectionate man and is one to express his feelings. He said he was scared before because he was so hurt by the past..

 

I've a problem trusting his claim on his behavior. He is asking me for a 2nd chance. He wants me to get to know the real him. The person he hide from me for 8 months.

I have trust issues with men. I've been lied too by many man that have came into my life; in one form or another. So this has been a huge struggle for me..

 

This weekend looks like it will go on.. I will bring my camera and take some beautiful pics, scan them and post them in my avatar to share.

I will take my time to relax, unwind and also to observe him and how he behaves and treats me.

The last time I seen him his body language was more relaxed. He seemed more open in body language and with communication and eye contact.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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If he asks you again to get rid of the other guy, are you willing to do that for him??

I just ask this because if you two are going to work things out, it's only fair that his ex in his past, no contact...So that would mean cutting ties with your alpha-male friend. Yes, he is a friend, but a friend who you also love and have feelings for, sexual ones as well...

SoCalCatman72 Established Member

SoCalCatman72

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As long as we have a good roof over our heads, food on our table, a car that runs, clothes on our back, we are healthy and bills are paid--then give me the romantic poet. and guess what I do 'dumster dive' You can get some good shyt in those ritzy neighborhoods.. I have some really nice furniture and pictures...!!

 

One person junk is anothers treasure..

 

*Sigh* I wish that more women saw things like you do. :love:

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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If he asks you again to get rid of the other guy, are you willing to do that for him??

I just ask this because if you two are going to work things out, it's only fair that his ex in his past, no contact...So that would mean cutting ties with your alpha-male friend. Yes, he is a friend, but a friend who you also love and have feelings for, sexual ones as well...

 

When I sent the text msg to him last week he didn't get it. He was up at the cabin with his kids and brothers.

So when he called me I told him over the phone what I said to him.

 

He said he wouldn't make me end my friendship with TCK. He said he would find a way to deal with it and also that he would prefer it if I didn't see him.. The phone calls and emails he would deal with but not seeing each other. That is the only thing he has any stipulations on.

 

He admittted he was angry, upset and hurt when he told me if I didn't kick TCK out of my life for good he couldn't be with me. He said he was wrong for putting those kinds of ultimtums on me. He admitted he was trying to take control of the situation and he had no right to try take my choices away from me.

 

He told me he didn't want to lose me and that he and I could talk and work some boundries out and mutual agreements and understanding if we choose to give it a second try.

 

As for counceling, I told him went I met with my therapist I made it clear that it might become relationship counceling too if he and I choose to make a go of it again. She said it was ok. I told him he is welcome to come with me anytime he wants. The door is open..

 

I will not push him, beg him or manipulate him to go with me. If he comes it will be of his free will. I will remind him (once in a awhile) the door is open if he chooses..

 

 

 

 

SoCalCatman---We have clean up week here during certain times of the year where everyone cleans out their garages, basements and storages and dumps everything on the blvds without being charged disposal fees. So its a primetime to get a little truck and drive the burms in the evenings and collect things.. hehe lots of antiques that need refinishing, entertainment centers because people are purchasing those huge plasma TVs. all sorts of goodies...

superconductor Established Member

superconductor

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I'm going to go out on a proverbial limb here and give you my unrequested - and probably unwelcome - prediction for this weekend in question.

 

Pada and this Charlie character are going to have a good time for about 24 hours. All will go pretty well, they'll have some good heart-to-heart conversations.

 

On day 2, one or both of them will find a reason to burst into tears or start making demands that the other can't/won't meet. It will degenerate into an avalanche of hurt feelings, silent treatments, and each will think, "Why am I even investing my time and effort into this? It's just not worth it."

 

The weekend will end, Pada will cry a lot and post a lot here about how Charlie isn't to be trusted, and with the benefit of distance and time Charlie will try and get in touch with Pada again and try to manipulate himself back into her life.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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Its not his money or his things..

yeah right! :rolleyes:

nicki Established Member

nicki

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Okay, Pada, hope you have a good weekend, peaceful and full of clarity.

 

I also had a boyfriend who was burned by an ex, so he tried to do everything opposite with me.

 

For instance, he told her he loved her right away and was affectionate with her....but with me, he waited a very long time to tell me he loved me and be affectionate with me.

 

And I think it was bullsh#t then, and it's bullsh#t now. It hurt like crazy and I told him that I was not his ex, I was me....and nicely told him if he couldn't meet my needs, I was out. He woke up, opened up, and things got better.

 

I hope that happens for you....But if Charlie always needs distance to come back to you, I hope you realize that he has intimacy problems that warrant counseling.

 

It's not manipulative to stipulate that he go to couples counseling in order to have another chance with you. It's healthy for you to ensure that real change takes place.

 

Good luck. I always hope the best for you.

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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yeah right! :rolleyes:

:mad: Alpha you know better!! At least you ought too!!

I would suspect anyway!!

 

Your stirring trouble.....:p

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basscatcher Established Member

basscatcher

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Okay, Pada, hope you have a good weekend, peaceful and full of clarity.

 

I also had a boyfriend who was burned by an ex, so he tried to do everything opposite with me.

 

For instance, he told her he loved her right away and was affectionate with her....but with me, he waited a very long time to tell me he loved me and be affectionate with me.

 

And I think it was bullsh#t then, and it's bullsh#t now. It hurt like crazy and I told him that I was not his ex, I was me....and nicely told him if he couldn't meet my needs, I was out. He woke up, opened up, and things got better.

 

I hope that happens for you....But if Charlie always needs distance to come back to you, I hope you realize that he has intimacy problems that warrant counseling.

 

It's not manipulative to stipulate that he go to couples counseling in order to have another chance with you. It's healthy for you to ensure that real change takes place.

 

Good luck. I always hope the best for you.

 

Thanks Nicki for your words.

 

We are going.. He agreed to it and we both arranged things so he can bring me up there and allow me time to relax, clear my head and recoup from the drama that has totally unfolded..

 

Last night my gf had to call the police on my xh. He already broke the NCRO.(No contact restraining order). We don't know if he was served his papers yet or not so they couldnt arrest him yet. But give it time and it will happen. He called me also last night but only let out a sigh on my voicemail and then hung up.

He's such a fool. I haven't spoke one word to him in about 3 months... He still calls like we spoke yesterday.. What an idiot.. I wouldn't be surprised if he's in jail when I get back this weekend. My gf is sick of his crap...(remember--she is his xgf after I divorced him 9 years ago.)

 

Anyway, I work half a day today, go home and pack, get things organized and if time allows I will take a nap. When Charlie gets done with his brickwork today he will go home, clean up, toss his stuff together, pick me up and we are gone till Sunday...

 

I'm so looking forward to the country and the fresh air. That is my focus right now.. Escaping life and going back to the basics.

Mz. Pixie Established Member

Mz. Pixie

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yeah right! :rolleyes:

 

It's not Alpha. Pada's not like that. She's like me in that sense (we are both Scorpios) and couldn't care less about that stuff.

 

You're cynical because you're used to empty fluffy yet attractive women in Jimmy Choos. ;)

 

Pada-

 

I think Charlie is addicted to drama. He has shown he cannot function without this in his past. Could be that he can't function with it in the future.

 

I really have liked to think that he's a good guy deep down who has just been through alot of crap.

 

My husband was like that in a way. When I would say something about how I wanted to stay with him forever he'd say "We'll see" because he said he'd heard that before and it turned out to be untrue.

 

I think that if you give Charlie another chance you should set some ground rules. If he's willing to go along with that then okay.

 

I think you need to insist on him not drinking. I think you guys need to do more couple things instead of hanging out at clubs. IMO that only gets people in am exclusive relationship into trouble. That and drinking do not mix. I wouldn't have sex with him and I wouldn't get invested until I saw how he was going to behave for long term.

 

This other guy?? He's only interested in you because you were with someone else. Anyone that you can't show up at his house if you want to would be out of the question for me. It almost sounds like he's bisexual and doesn't want you to see guys going in and out. He's only interested in a tiny sexual relationship and not what you want- you're far too high maintenance emotionally to be with someone like him. As far as speculating whether or not he's wanting a relationship- if he was he would be pursuing you- HARD. Come on, you know this- it's not rocket science. You're putting too much thought into this part- because it's either he's into you or he's not. If he's not that doesn't mean he can't have fun with you- it just means there won't be anything serious.

 

I hope you have a good restful weekend. You deserve it. And i hope Charlie really shows you that he really is a good guy and you guys can have everything you want.

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