Lost on what to think.

[skeletonindacloset]

Hello to everyone,

This is my first post and being an extremely private person about these matters I'm nervous, to say the least, about letting these things out but then again I suppose that's why we don't use our real names as user names huh? Well here I go.

I met a woman in late 2003. We worked at a flower shoppe together and became very close friends very quickly. She was seeing someone and had been for 3 years. They were living together and were showing all the signs of gettin married and having a family and future together. She, however, had different feelings but didn't act upon anything because of the strains of moving out and starting over. She still loved him, just started not liking him a lot. So naturally we became even closer. She'd often tell me "where were you three years ago before I ruined my life". It was always heartbreaking and funny at the same time.

Fast forward to the next summer and I had my first acoustic solo performance in a small coffe shop in town. My friends and family all came out and it was a wonderful show. She was there and her boyfriend was there as well but he spent the time outside smoking. When the show was over she, her boyfriend, another friend, and I went to a pub for a few drinks. I was simply a friend at the time and posed no threat but she had been giving me signs throughout our friendship that made me believe she was interested in me. I fought with myself over how horrible it is to get into a relationship with someone who already's in one. Just askin for trouble ya know? And then suddenly I didn't care what price I'd pay, I just needed her to know how I felt. And so I did and later on when she drove me home we experienced our first kiss. From there there was this unspoken thing that told us to keep it all under wraps. Well things went further and our relationship progressed and we had both come to the understand that we were absolutely in love and even though she was still with her boyfriend it had become more of a roommate situation with occassional sex. All kinds of wrong stuff going here right? Yeah, I know. But love'll make ya stupid if ya let it and I did.

So a few months pass and we meet in a park and she tells me that she found out that she was pregnant with his child and we were all just nothing but tears and she "said" she was waiting to leave him because she didn't wanna leave him on a whim, and that she wanted to know for herself that what she felt for me was more true love than just lust disquised as love. So now here she is pregnant and doesn't want to stay with him but feels that she has to and that maybe this'll be the thing that turns him back into a cool guy again. So we quasi-breakup but part ways still madly in love.

So later on in life she has her beautiful little baby and we had been communicating through email here and there but nothing too lovey, just how ya doin type stuff ya know. Things are going better between the two of them and I'm still drowning in heartache. Tried the rebound thing but everytime I did I just felt like I was using them and I don't want to be that person.

A half a year ago we get together to talk and see what the other has been up to. Our get together was fantastic. She told me how she had confessed her infidelity to him and he ended up doing the same thing as well so with truth out on the table they were able to be a stronger family. By the end of the evening we were in each others arms and it's like a day hadn't passed and nothing had happened since the last time we kissed. We continued to talk regularly and meet at a mutual friends house to hang out and when no one was looking we'd sneak kisses when we could.

I told her that one day I'd marry her and she smiled and said that no one would want to marry her. Weeks later we meet at my bands gig and she gives me one of her rings as a going away present. Later that night we had met up with some friends at a restaurant and everyone got on the topic of marriage and when she said what type of ring she wanted she nudged my foot and repeated again and again giving me no choice but to believe that I got a ring type and a ring size, information that her umm.. "baby's daddy" doesn't even have. So I'm all smiles inside and out.

So we part ways sadly and I move to the south to work, make money, and gather what I believe are essential tools for the future i.e. investing, retirement 401k stuff, benefits, and the like..

I speak with her the other day and out of nowhere I blow up at her and begin to tell her how hurt I feel knowing that they're buying a house, she's going on the deed, her boyfriend suddenly wants to get married(as opposed to running away from the topic like normal), and all these things that are happening and how she just continues to lead me on and dig herself into a hole that she'll not be able to escape from ever. She then proceeds to tell me that I mistook the ring hints and that it was just foolin around and being silly. I told her howbadly it hurts to know that I'm worth kissing but I'm not worth talking about and that while her dude may know that we get together to talk he doesn't know that we kiss. I told her that regardless of whatever trouble she's going to get into that if she's gonna build a home with her family that she loves she doesn't want it to be on a shaky foundation and that she needs to honest and tell him everything that she's done to disrespect him. She claimed I was trying to ruin her life and family by saying this and that there's enough to worry about taking care of her family.

When we hung we had agreed that we both still love each other and that we want the other to be happy but whatever this is that's going on between us isn't helping in the "happy" department.

I feel horrible because I yelled at her so much on the phone and she spent so much of the conversation in tears but I don't feel like what I said was wrong, I just feel like it was mean and I never want to be the mean person but I feel like this love that we share is just being swept under the rug and more than anything I want her to understand that I did not say these things in an effort to ruin her life, but to tell the man she claims she loves that he can trust her to be honest with him in everything.

Ok, I can go on for days and days but I need a cigarette or 50, so I'm done. Thanks for listening.

[Guest]

Hi, you are in a very mixed up situation, and i feel so sorry for you, to love someoen so much but having the old familiar "other person" involved, makes you want to scream at times, god knows i been there and well still am,i bet you think what if i met this person and she never had a bf in the first place, would we be living together now and/or seeing each other more,so many unanswered questions, but i respect the fact you called her and let your emotion show, because it was all building up inside of you,her telling you that she was pregnant, and were moving in together must have killed you inside, and then you may think you loved her more than her bf/partner ever will which is probably true, its a disaster of a situation basically, and icant give you any consolation because you loved her and thigns didnt go the way you wanted it to, there are too many people in the same boat as you, loving someone but if their in a relationship it balls things up big time, but know this, she still loves you,but she wants to secure a future with her bf or husband sorry i foget if u said she is married but you know what i mean and she has a kid, all this will be playing on her mind, and when she told you were just being silly etc, this is lies, she was in denial and wanted to hurt you so she could try and move on with her life, i know what you mean with the rebound thing, i have been on that after losing my bf,yes im gay, but love is love right, and the way im chatting here you would swear i was an expert on this but im not, but it DOES help to talk about it, im not out and i have to talk about my situation to somebody, it helps, i want to say to you be strong, move on with your life, you will find somebody else etc, i have been told this before but it doesnt help, when you put so much time into this one person and they have somebody else..its like a knife through the heart, were the victims of other peoples misfortunes, but you have a life 2, so be strong man, Cheers.Peter.

[skeletonindacloset]

So during this last conversation that I had with my love I had told her to come clean to her boyfriend about us. She took the immediate defense stance because they have a new home and a new child to worry about as well as their own struggle with their relationship. I completely understand wanting to protect ones family so I can see where she's coming from because she's certainly got a lot to lose, however, I told her that if she did not tell that I would. I told her that there's no way I can ever believe what she's saying if I know that she's lying. Lie to some stranger, lie about your age to the guy ya get your beer from, lord knows every person lies at one point or another, we're not all clean as a whistle here. But he knows we used to get together a lot and he wasn't necessarily stoked about it when he thought we were just bein friends, let a lone after he found out the first time that we were sleeping together. So they manage to work out their differences and now we're just finishing the second phase of the cheating thing and again he has no clue. There's no sex, just kissing, holding, and crying. I always viewed cheating as doing something you'd only do with your love, except with someone else. Based on that she was cheating with me. I believe I'm not the only one who'd want to know if their love was kissing another set of lips, and so I believe he should know before he buys a house and puts her name on the deed. I'm simply asking her to fess up for what she has done. She has taken responsibility for getting pregnant and has taken responsibility of being a mother and quasi wife, and I'm asking her to take responsibility for her infidelities but what I'm hearing is that I'm trying to ruin her life.

While it's not my intention to ruin her life, is what I'm asking out of line.

Am I better off just letting them find out some other day if that day ever comes. My user name is what I am and it sickens me that I've become that person. Is it best to just let them do whatever they're gonna do or what? I feel like I'm not standing up for something wrong, but instead asking her for the honesty that the person who feeds and clothes her and her child deserves. In any other scenario I'd realize that it's none of my business but this involves me so I feel it's just as much my business as it is there's.

[swirly27]

Skeleton-

 

I hear ya kinda on why you say you want her to tell her man about the two of you....but in all honesty, WHY do you REALLY want him to find out??? What good will it do for you? Are u hoping on some level that it will cause them to break up and then she will be open for you? I am not trying to be harsh, just asking you to think honestly about why you want this brought out. Or, are u so angry and hurt, understandably, that you want some revenge? I feel all of the above is understable and human. But, I don't really think it will matter if you go to him and tell him things.....you AND her knew she was involved with someone when you guys decided to hang out, so fault lies in both places. She came clean once and yet she did things with you that she shouldn't have again.......you should see that for what it is and although I know you miss her terribly, you deserve better than that. She is human and makes mistakes too, but you'd think after working things out with her man and coming clean and he forgave, she'd take that clean slate and make ammends....but she just started doing it again. You don't want to be pushed and pulled all the time do you?? You deserve better.

 

I think you should just cut her out of your life, which is best for both you and her and her family, and move on and find someone that you will be a priority for. We all deserve that!