sadfish Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Just recently met a great guy, he pursued me, i knew that work was important to him (and for his age, 23, i find it is rather surprising he is so ambitious) but he really wanted to start dating me. Long story short, things were great for about 3 weeks, but now he is so busy with work, i do not know where i fit in. He seriously works from 7am to about 2am, taking on projects, does not seem to know how to say no to someone, works weekends and while i do find that very impressive that he is very passionate about his job, i do not know how to get him to compromise a little time for us. He does call me everyday, and we have seen each other when we can, but for me, it really is not working, and i have told him as much. All i am asking for is to see him maybe 2 times a week...not everyday, not every other day, just a couple of times! lol He does seem genuinely interested in me, and he has admitted that this (working so much) has been a problem for him before, and the kicker is he has told me he wants to change and make some decisions...but what do i do in the meantime? We had a talk last night, and i told him everything that has been on my mind, and he seems to understand and said he needs to think about things--did not sound good *or* bad--and he feels that i do deserve to be a priority. I am very willing to make some compromises and fight for this, so...any advice on how else to approach this if he does decide he wants to continue? It is just so frustrating because he is the first guy i have liked in a long time...grrrrr! lol thanks!
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 This is a very frustrating predicament, one that gets more and more frustrating as the relationship progresses. Do you want to spend most of your time alone? It seems that he is not as willing to compromise as you are. That is the key to this here...his compromise. I had the same problem at the beginning of my relationship, and he has cut back plenty. That is the only way that we could work. I think you should think about whether this is worth fighting for. He said that he knows you should be priority, and that he wanted to end things, I would take this as what's to come if we continue. He's not willing to change things from the way they are now.
Author sadfish Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Thanks for your response... He did not say he wants to end things, he says he needs time to think about what to do. I know his work is important to him, and that is something i do like about him--the issue is that he is at a crossroads, so to speak, as to what to do with everything. Like i said, i do not need to see him every day--i just would like once a week or so. I know I like my alone time, and i would never expect anyone to drop everything in their life for me, let alone his career for me! Nor would i for anyone else either... I guess i'm just in limbo at this moment because he said he wanted to think about things--and i'm taking that as ALL things, not just he and i, because he knows his working so much as never allowed him the kind of relationship he wants before, he even says his friendships are suffering, so at least he's aware of it. So, if i may ask, how did you approach this with your guy? Did you give him an ultimatum or did you both compromise?
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Thanks for your response... He did not say he wants to end things, he says he needs time to think about what to do. I know his work is important to him, and that is something i do like about him--the issue is that he is at a crossroads, so to speak, as to what to do with everything. Like i said, i do not need to see him every day--i just would like once a week or so. I know I like my alone time, and i would never expect anyone to drop everything in their life for me, let alone his career for me! Nor would i for anyone else either... I guess i'm just in limbo at this moment because he said he wanted to think about things--and i'm taking that as ALL things, not just he and i, because he knows his working so much as never allowed him the kind of relationship he wants before, he even says his friendships are suffering, so at least he's aware of it. So, if i may ask, how did you approach this with your guy? Did you give him an ultimatum or did you both compromise? Ok, I understand much better now. He's aware of the situation and he sounds as if he wants to change it. I have to tell you, it wasn't any easy road. I didn't give him any ultimatums, but I did ALOT of complaining. It was pretty much the same thing as you guys. He knew that his schedule kept him from having a serious relationship and although it wasn't easy for him, he gradually cut down on his hours. We eventually moved in together as well, and that gave us more time together. I'm the same as you in the sense that I'd never want anyone to put me before their career, I'm perfectly fine with spending time alone, but we were at the point that we hardly ever saw each other awake. lol. I've also spent plenty of holidays alone, and it pissed me off because those were volunteered work days for him. He doesn't do that as much anymore. Good luck!
superconductor Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 In everyone's life there comes a time when career (or family, or community, etc.) will take precedence over a relationship. Believe it or not, that's good. If he's committed to something, that's a good indication that he's not the type to be lazing on the couch, beer in hand, watching TV. What he probably needs is hassle-free relationship status. So, if you're interested in him, and you obviously are, be hassle-free, and recognize the fact that when he makes a serious commitment to you, you'll know that you'll be able to count on it.
Author sadfish Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Thanks again for your honesty Yeah, this is what i worry about, i suppose, i've been the doormat before and i don't want to be one again, and he's aware of that. He knows that my last relationship was pretty much just that, and he's said the last thing he wants to do is hurt me because he does like me too. I already feel rather bad because i didn't think i'd have to bring this up so soon (if ever...lol) and i do feel like i'm just complaining and not living in the moment or giving it time to develop--also i made the mistake of talking my last relationship to death with my ex, and i didn't want to do that this time. I know he appreciates my honesty though, and he said he was really glad i brought it up now because he wants to know how i feel. I just can't help but feel like because he's an admitted workaholic and he's afraid of failing (in his job) that he'll feel he has to let me go And that sucks because i do know he likes me, and he knows i like him! Ugh! How do people even get together?! lol
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I was going to point out that maybe you are being a little to serious at this point. I think you need time to see how this all plays out. It's great that you've voiced your concerns and was honest, just try not to focus on this so much. Let things flow and see if a relationship progresses. Take your time. He does sound like a great guy, and is keeping you and you're feelings in consideration. How often do you see each other now? Do you date?
Author sadfish Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 In everyone's life there comes a time when career (or family, or community, etc.) will take precedence over a relationship. Believe it or not, that's good. If he's committed to something, that's a good indication that he's not the type to be lazing on the couch, beer in hand, watching TV. What he probably needs is hassle-free relationship status. So, if you're interested in him, and you obviously are, be hassle-free, and recognize the fact that when he makes a serious commitment to you, you'll know that you'll be able to count on it. Thanks for your reply too! But by being "hassle-free" doesn't that mean i'd be a doormat really? My main issue is that we've made plans to do things, and he's either fallen asleep from being exhausted, or puts me on hold because something for work came up or took too long and he lost track of time... Am i being naive here? I don't think it's too much to ask to just have a couple of hours put aside for us an evening or two...? Wouldn't by letting this continue just make him think that it's perfectly ok to not consider my feelings or my time even? I don't think he's bsing me, i know he doesn't do it on purpose, i just think he's so absorbed in and used to working so much that this is a real challenge for him unfortunately. And i know he's scared...so how can i be encouraging and supportive without being a doormat?
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Thanks for your reply too! But by being "hassle-free" doesn't that mean i'd be a doormat really? My main issue is that we've made plans to do things, and he's either fallen asleep from being exhausted, or puts me on hold because something for work came up or took too long and he lost track of time... Am i being naive here? I don't think it's too much to ask to just have a couple of hours put aside for us an evening or two...? Wouldn't by letting this continue just make him think that it's perfectly ok to not consider my feelings or my time even? I don't think he's bsing me, i know he doesn't do it on purpose, i just think he's so absorbed in and used to working so much that this is a real challenge for him unfortunately. And i know he's scared...so how can i be encouraging and supportive without being a doormat? I can't help to think that you two want different things. Maybe he doesn't really want, can afford, or feel that he has time for a serious relationship. The only way to know for sure is for you two to have a conversation about it. You did the right thing by bringing it up to him early on. But if you accept these terms as is, you can't complain about it later.
Author sadfish Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 I was going to point out that maybe you are being a little to serious at this point. I think you need time to see how this all plays out. It's great that you've voiced your concerns and was honest, just try not to focus on this so much. Let things flow and see if a relationship progresses. Take your time. He does sound like a great guy, and is keeping you and you're feelings in consideration. How often do you see each other now? Do you date? I know, i think i am just being overprotective of ME because i was so burned in my last relationship--which he knows all about. I just don't want to walk blindly into something again then have the rug pulled out from under me; it's taken me over a year to get over the last one, so this is a big step for me to even let someone in. We were seeing each other about 3 times a week for the first couple of weeks, then saw each other maybe 2 times last week, made plans for this past weekend, but like i mentioned, he was so exhausted they fell through. So i haven't seen him now for over a week--we were meant to see each other last night, but that didn't happen either cos he got caught up in work. He did call me though, hence the conversation about it all. I'm not a high maintenance person, far from it, i just would like to have my feelings and time be respected...and i don't think once or twice a week is asking for a lot, and the funny thing is, he doesn't seem to think it's asking for a lot either. lol
superconductor Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 But by being "hassle-free" doesn't that mean i'd be a doormat really? My main issue is that we've made plans to do things, and he's either fallen asleep from being exhausted, or puts me on hold because something for work came up or took too long and he lost track of time...<snip>...so how can i be encouraging and supportive without being a doormat? No, being hassle-free does not equate to being a doormat. Not at all. And I don't personally think that complaining your way to success is a positive process, as per Buttaflyy advice. For me personally, I'd drop a partner like a rotten potato at a maggot festival if all I ever heard was complaining. Have you actually spoken to him about this? I don't mean hints, subtle or otherwise, but clearly and directly, like you've done here?
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 No, being hassle-free does not equate to being a doormat. Not at all. And I don't personally think that complaining your way to success is a positive process, as per Buttaflyy advice. For me personally, I'd drop a partner like a rotten potato at a maggot festival if all I ever heard was complaining. Have you actually spoken to him about this? I don't mean hints, subtle or otherwise, but clearly and directly, like you've done here? LOL! No super...my point is that when you first meet someone and expectations are put out on the table, once you've agreed to what you both want and expect from the other person, once the other person falls through with the agreement, you realize that you've been bamboozled! This is not what I signed on for! lol. You complain! By this time, you've weighed whether you want to stick with this person and try to work it out. You let them know that they fell through on their promise. What I'm saying here is, you start how you finish. You can't even complain about it if you were told what to expect from the start. There has to be a mutual understanding of what is to be expected, in the beginning. Otherwise, you'll come to a point later where you'll have to re-evaluate things.
Author sadfish Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 No, being hassle-free does not equate to being a doormat. Not at all. And I don't personally think that complaining your way to success is a positive process, as per Buttaflyy advice. For me personally, I'd drop a partner like a rotten potato at a maggot festival if all I ever heard was complaining. Have you actually spoken to him about this? I don't mean hints, subtle or otherwise, but clearly and directly, like you've done here? Yes, we talked about it last night. He was very open to hear what i had to say, and he even admitted that he was concerned about it too, and that my feelings matter to him. He said he wanted to think about some things, make some decisions and that we'd talk later tonight. I guess i'm being a bit of a pessimist, expecting the worst already, but it's just how i now react to things because i have been so hurt before. I really didn't want to bring it up this soon, but then again, i didn't want to let it fester and become worse and then resent him for it, you know? He was very understanding...and i asked him to not give up on me, and i won't give up on him, because DON'T want to just end this--i would like to work on some compromises so that neither of us would be complaining. Seriously, i just want to go with it and live in the moment, but i refuse to be taken for granted
james007 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 The fact that he is a "workaholic" (i don't believe there is such thing) is a good sign. It proves that he's mature and finanically responsible. I agree with superconductor. A balanced man is attentive to his work and not just to his girlfriend. If you are having a hard time dealing with this situation then let him go because he can find plenty of women who would like this arrangement. It's better to have a workaholic boyfriend than a deadbeat boyfriend who smothers you with his presence everyday. I'd rather error on the side of being a workaholic personally. If I ever get accused of being a workaholic I'll take it as a compliment. I see my girlfriend about once every 8-10 days for 6-7 hours. She is very supportive of my life outside the relationship.
Buttaflyy Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 The fact that he is a "workaholic" (i don't believe there is such thing) is a good sign. It proves that he's mature and finanically responsible. I agree with superconductor. A balanced man is attentive to his work and not just to his girlfriend. If you are having a hard time dealing with this situation then let him go because he can find plenty of women who would like this arrangement. It's better to have a workaholic boyfriend than a deadbeat boyfriend who smothers you with his presence everyday. I'd rather error on the side of being a workaholic personally. If I ever get accused of being a workaholic I'll take it as a compliment. I see my girlfriend about once every 8-10 days for 6-7 hours. She is very supportive of my life outside the relationship. A workaholic is very real! And I agree that it's not necessarily a bad thing. Who doesn't love an ambitious man? But where does the line cross when you on the other hand of the relationship is being neglected? It's kind of hard for a workaholic to prioritize other things in his life. He's of course tired and worn out at the end of his workday. Every woman needs attention from their man. It takes time together for a relationship to work, and he can't only be interested in "work" (his job).
norajane Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Um, it's only been three weeks and you've seen each other plenty during that time. For a brand new relationship, you've spent lots of time together. As near as I can tell, it's only this past weekend that your plans fell through. He may be a workaholic, but he's given you plenty of his time so far. You're getting into serious relationship discussions about compromise and putting a lot of pressure on a guy you've only been dating 3 weeks! I think your expectations at such an early stage of your relationship are really high. Why do you even have an expecation of exclusivity at this time? You've talked to him about it, now give him a chance to work something out with his job. If you find yourself not seeing him for a few weeks at a time, then you can bring it up again. But don't harp on it when you barely know each other, or you never will get beyond where you are now.
Author sadfish Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 You are all right...i agree that his being ambitious and responsible is a fantastic thing, i have told him as such, i'm not "complaining" about that at all. I just find this rather frustrating at this moment. I am NOT expecting exclusivity from him at this time--in fact i don't expect exclusivity from any man unless there has been a conversation about it. I just find it confusing when i'm told that he wants to get to know everything about me, spend time with me and make plans, then lets his work take over--"distracting" him from even making a simple 2 minute phone call to explain the matter. I would have no trouble taking a raincheck if i knew his work would be taking longer than he anticipated--problem is, there is no communication about it at this time--THAT is my concern. I see it as kind of disrespectful that my time appears to mean nothing to him...so i guess that is why i'm up in arms...lol. I haven't asked for much at all...just once or twice a week, i don't see how that is being unreasonable or having high expectations though...
Guest here Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 You are all right...i agree that his being ambitious and responsible is a fantastic thing, i have told him as such, i'm not "complaining" about that at all. I just find this rather frustrating at this moment. I am NOT expecting exclusivity from him at this time--in fact i don't expect exclusivity from any man unless there has been a conversation about it. I just find it confusing when i'm told that he wants to get to know everything about me, spend time with me and make plans, then lets his work take over--"distracting" him from even making a simple 2 minute phone call to explain the matter. I would have no trouble taking a raincheck if i knew his work would be taking longer than he anticipated--problem is, there is no communication about it at this time--THAT is my concern. I see it as kind of disrespectful that my time appears to mean nothing to him...so i guess that is why i'm up in arms...lol. I haven't asked for much at all...just once or twice a week, i don't see how that is being unreasonable or having high expectations though... i dont think u are expecting too much... it is pretty normal . It is important to know what to say and how to say it. Your point is simple and clear but maybe the way you tell was not right. Maybe for the time being, just relax, give him more time to do his things and make your self busy with other thing . Drop him an email or a short sms will do. Dont call him over and over , it will make him think that u r such a clingy and demanding. Be your self and enjoy your day. Independent woman is very sexy and attractive for guys. Thats so far what i think.good luck
norajane Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I haven't asked for much at all...just once or twice a week, i don't see how that is being unreasonable or having high expectations though... We were seeing each other about 3 times a week for the first couple of weeks, then saw each other maybe 2 times last week, You've seen him 8 times in 3 weeks...that's more than once a week, sweets. That's what I'm getting at. Sometimes you'll see him more, sometimes less. You have to be able to cut him a little slack. If plans fall through and he doesn't call to tell you, then you certainly have a legitimate gripe and should say that you expect to get a call if he can't make it as it's common courtesy. Otherwise, yes, once a week in a new dating scenario can be a high expectation. You're not a couple yet, you (or he) could be dating other people as well, and expecting a major change in lifestyle from someone you just started dating is a lot. It won't happen overnight.
Author sadfish Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 You've seen him 8 times in 3 weeks...that's more than once a week, sweets. That's what I'm getting at. Sometimes you'll see him more, sometimes less. You have to be able to cut him a little slack. If plans fall through and he doesn't call to tell you, then you certainly have a legitimate gripe and should say that you expect to get a call if he can't make it as it's common courtesy. Otherwise, yes, once a week in a new dating scenario can be a high expectation. You're not a couple yet, you (or he) could be dating other people as well, and expecting a major change in lifestyle from someone you just started dating is a lot. It won't happen overnight. I never asked to see him that often, i personally thought it was a bit much, as my last relationship we saw each other every single day for the first 2 weeks and i did not want to make that same mistake again (got attached too quickly) And i never said i was expecting him or anyone to make a major change for me, i don't see where i said that (?). I guess I didn't realise that dating meant that *I* had to be the one compromising and cutting slack when he is the one pursuing me. And for the record, i do not and will not call him over and over...the ball's in his court now. I'm going on with things as normal, i just thought i'd try to get some insight and opinions here for the time being on how to make a situation like this work at this stage.
nicki Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I agree that you should be concerned as to whether or not he is emotionally available enough for you to consider a relationship with him. I also agree that you aren't dating exclusively yet, so you are putting the cart before the horse. Relationships take time and energy. Casual dating really doesn't.... So, let it play out a bit. Think about how much time you would like to spend with him, if things progress. Be honest, be nice, and speak from your perspective. Personally, at this time in my life, I would NOT date a workaholic. I love a guy who works hard, and plays hard too. It's a balance. I was married to a workaholic. I was always too willing to put myself last for his work. Then one day I realized that who I was had just shrunk away. He and I had no real connection. His love and energy went into work, and work alone. Spending time together creates that important connection. You have to be reasonable if he has a project or something, but he has to understand that in order to have a relationship with you, he must put in the energy and time. For me, I won't date a doctor, unless he has a balanced schedule. There was a time when I would have dated a busy doctor, but that was when I also had a busy work schedule and little time for a relationship. It would have worked for me, too. So, it works if you BOTH get your needs met.
norajane Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I guess I'm not making myself clear enough. For him, as a workaholic who works from 7 til 2am and on the weekends, making time for dating IS a major lifestyle change. For you, making time to see you once or twice a week doesn't sound like a major change, but to him, it is. So by asking that you see each other that much is asking him to make a major change. At the same time, it's only 3 weeks into your relationship, and you've seen each other 8 times, and he calls you every day. Your plans fell through once, or maybe twice - I'm not sure - and you're already worrying that his needs are coming before yours and are having conversations about compromise, etc. Most people who start dating don't see each other that often, or even every week, and they also don't necessarily talk every single day. Surely you've heard of women who anxiously await even one phone call a few days after the first date? That early in the relationship, you can't expect to see him every week and get all upset if you don't. You should be dating other people and living your life rather than worrying about what kind of schedule you're going to be on IF you ever become an exclusive couple. You aren't a couple now - you've barely just met and just started dating. You didn't know he even existed 6 weeks ago, and you're already wanting to plan how often you see each other. IMO, it's too early in the relationship to 1) worry that your needs will take 2nd place to his all the time, 2) to worry that you won't get to see him once or twice a week on average, and 3) to even have expectations (other than those of common courtesy, as in calling if he's going to be late or has to cancel a date). I think you disagree with me, so you've already talked to him about this. In that case, stop worrying and give him a chance to work something out - to compromise. But don't expect it to happen instantly, and don't think you're being a doormat if you give him a chance to prove you wrong.
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