The usual suspects: The WHY question

[Greensleaves]

After following and reading up on nearly all threads I decided to start my own as I found it a great source of comfort.

 

Admittedly, I wasn't married and I do not have any kids (though both was planned and suggested by him first and was communicated not only to me but friends and relatives), but he has a daughter and I love her dearly to an extent I didn't know I could get attached to a child. He knows that, he wanted that: me taking up responsibility during the times he had her. (Thank God, I do know and like the mum and her husband, therefore it was easy). So maybe my situation seems easier to most of you, but it doesn't feel easy at all.

 

OK, try to be concise: in order to be with my Exbf I had to end a longterm relationship and it was a decision that wasn't easy and took a long time to materialize as I wanted to be sure that this is not just a crush. I changed jobs and country and even though up until then I wasn't 100 % sure if I was up for the "family thing" I thought I give it a try with him, he seemed sincere and caring and everything I wanted him to be.

I only moved to his country after a year into the relationship, before we would only see each other twice a month on weekends.

Six months after me moving to his country he took up a job that required him to travel all the time. I sucked it up, because I knew it was the job he was pining for. I tried to be positive about it, staying in my routine and the newly adopted country, even still taking his daughter because it felt natural to me, she was "my family", but of course wasn't too happy, not on a general scale as my life went well, but for the relationship I had planned and settled for more if that makes any sense whatsoever.

 

Of course the following six months put a lot of pressure on the relationship from living together to only seeing each other two months for a few days. (I am used to long disctance relationships due to job situations, though, never lived with a partner before, never really craved it)

I realized that I missed him more than he missed me. I guess kinda natural if you change locations every six to eight weeks and are fairly busy. He still confirmed occasionally that we were on the same track, though: he loves me, wants the family though only after we settled down somewhere of course, wants us to stay together.

First time he uttered some doubts and that it was difficult was when he was staying last time for a week in July, but did say that he didn't want to give up, confirming his love and the fact that I should get a permanent work permit and he will pay for it. (Takes a year) Plan was I to move back (at least his duty station is there and his job is for another 9 months) as my work permit ran out. So I organised the moving, packed his stuff, a week after he had left he called me saying he wants us to break up. No reasons stated except for he thinks he should be on his own.

This is now more than a month ago.

I am hurt and all, of course. I miss my friends and "my" family, e.g. daughter and her family.

Trying to get better by making sense of it all.

Sent a long email asking for reasons a week ago, but he hasn't replied so far.

 

By reading your stories it seems as if stranger things have happened.

I guess what hurts so much is the fact that we both at a stage thought the other one is the one (which is why I went through a great deal of effort) and now I am left with the feeling that I might still think it to some extent but it is definitely not mutual anymore.

 

I don't know, the destructive part in me thinks: serves you right, now you know how it feels to be left alone thinking that the other person was the one. I have been feeling guilty about that for quite a while (previous bf moved on by now and moved in with his new gf, we didn't stay in contact as he didn't want it, but by the sounds of it he is well, which is something I am actually grateful for as he deserves it)

 

Oh, this is messier now than I thought. I would love to have "my" family back and actually work on issues whatever they are but wasn't given the choice and have to move on and do have the feeling I won't be able to do it without some support. I have been travelling lots and my friends are all over the globe which makes it more difficult to actually stay in touch in a situation of crisis.

 

I would be happy to receive some comments.

Thanks.

[Greensleaves]

Oh forgot: I didn't get the "I love you but am not in love with you" but the "I love you but maybe not enough" talk....

 

Maybe that's the male version of it?