What have I done!? (new relationship)

[MuNky]

The History:

I met this girl in a nightclub. I asked why she looks sad at a great party , she told me she got dumped the day before. We danced untill the club kicked us out at closing time. I asked her number - she gave it to me. I asked her for coffee, she said yes, she cancelled due to a schedule conflict. I offered a reschedule, she agreed. One coffee turned into more, we chatted for 3 & 1/2 hours. We started Instant Messaging each other almost every night. Mostly small talk, with little clean flirting (mostly by me). I asked her to a movie she agreed, when I suggested the Saturday she said she had to help a friend move. She promptly suggested the Friday. When we went I held her hand during the movie, which she seemed comfortable with. Afterwards we went our seperate ways (She had to get up early for work the next day). By now I am quite smitten. We IM'd a few times the following week, sending winks and (digital) flowers all the time.

 

The following Saturday (the one that just passed) I was lounging around at home, I couldn't get a hold of her earlier to go out again (I ask out at least 2 days before a date). So I went out to nightclubs. My intention wasn't to pick up girls but to have a drink listening to music. There I saw her! I happily greeted her, she was happy to see me, although a little retreating. I asked her if she wanted to dance, she said sure, she didn't seem very enthusiastic (uh-oh I thought). She told me she is there with friends (which is true they were a group, I saw later). She went to the restrooms, but she didn't return for 45 minutes. So I drifted through the club, bought a drink, when I bumped into her with this guy (part of the group). She introduced us. At first I thought they were friends, but later I saw them holding hands and hugging etc. (not in front of me). All night it was kind of she is trying to avoid me. Of course this hurts a bit, but we only went out 1.5 times (coffee is like a half date), so it isn't like we are exclusive (that is what I keep telling myself). I just faded home, since I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable with the other guy.

 

Last night (Monday) we met each other on the chatroom again. She asked where I disapeared to Saturday night. I told her she didn't seem enthusiastic to introduce me to her friends, so I left when it got late. She tells me she was reluctant to introduce me because I keep dissapearing. I just typed a and said nevermind. I asked her again if she wants to go out again, but before she answers she must answer another question: Was she comfortable with me holding her hand at the movies? No reply. (Her connection keeps dropping in the past so I thought that that could've happened) after about 45 min I phone her. She sounded friendly, told me her connection did drop out a few times during our chat. I said that our chat was a bit heavier than usual, she agreed. She said we should see a movie again soon. HERE IS MY STUPID MOVE. I was very confused the last two days so I asked her straight: "I kinda like you, I justed wanted to know if I should pursue those feelings or do you want a friend?" (Which I don't mind being). Silence, I could hear the dumbstruck in the silence.

Me: "Gee, that was a bit on the spot wasn't it?"

She: "Yes" <nervous giggle>

Me: "I justed wanted to know how to aproach you, a friend or a possible something more"

I could sense her confusion. My mind is yelling at me for being stupid.

Me: "Tell, you what.... think about it and IM me, or SMS me, or whatever you feel comfortable with" My tone (I hope) sounded relaxed and friendly.

She:"All right, no problem"

I changed the subject promptly and we small talked a little after that, with a little flirt near the end.

 

Oh goodness what have I done! My love life is boring anyway: I only get a crush once every 4 years or so, never had a girlfriend, I can count the number of dates I have been on on one or two hands. Never had a romantic kiss. My romance IQ is low, due to a lack of experience. If it wasn't for the two alcohol fueled one night stands I would still have been a virgin. I am a bit overweight so if a girl is somewhat interested I pounce on the possibility as much as possible. I can't just move on, I really like this girl.

Advice and tips please!!!

 

PS: I am 23, she is 21.

[rina_r]

You did everything right. You were honest about your feelings. Has she replied yet? And even if she does not, then forget her and look for someone who will appreciate her. Anyway, she has just broken up.She may not be emotionally available.

[MuNky]

Oh god I hope she replies, like I said this kind of thing only happens to me every 4 years or so. That is also why I want it to work, and can't just move on.

[rina_r]

Yes, you do, but you cant make other person love/like you if they dont want it.

[MuNky]

If she is not emotionally ready should I wait before advancing? Should I play the friend for a while? Should I cease contact for a month or two? Is she just humouring me? She does seem interested but not as enthusiastic as me. Could she only be interested in a plutonic relationship? - if I put my mind to it then I could be friend instead of something more, I have done it in the past with someone else. Is she playing the field? Could this behaviour be a backlash from her breakup?

 

(Wow I am a wreck - lol )

[nicki]

Hey Munky, relax a little. You said the right things, and reacted correctly at the club.

 

You were reading her signals, got confused and asked for clarification. That's what confident guys do....and they don't waste their time on wishy washy women who like to keep guys around. And what about that guy at the club?

 

When you asked her to clarify the whole friends/dating thing, she really should have said she wanted to "date" you. Case closed. Or if she wanted to be friends, state that...whatever, you don't want to waste your time.

 

Keep going out. You have options. You didn't ruin anything. You acted correctly. She is acting spacey and like she is the on the rebound.

 

I wouldn't be her friend, but be friendly when you see her. Who knows, a few weeks down the road she might get her sh#t together.

 

In the meantime, just know you acted assertively and confidently, and that's very attractive to women.

[serial muse]

i agree, munky - i think you acted correctly by asking her, straight-up, because she was giving confused signals.

 

the guy at the club might have been the guy who "dumped" her. regardless, however, it seems pretty clear that she's not ready to really move on to someone new. i'd definitely back way off. i don't think it's that she only wants a platonic relationship, per se - i think she's on the fence, and doesn't want to make that choice right now. it may be that her ex is giving her fits on the other end, and that's trickling down to you - but either way, it seems clear she's not ready to enter into a relationship with you, and i wouldn't wait around for her to make up her mind. there's no telling when, or if, she will.

 

but ease your mind about whether you acted correctly - i don't see that you did anything wrong. it's just bad timing. that happens. the only thing you could do wrong now is continue to pursue it. the only problem with giving an ultimatum is that you have to abide by the other person's decision, or it loses all its power. don't get me wrong - i think you were right to insist she not string you along. but now that you've done it, i think you also have to be willing to let it go.

[MuNky]

the only problem with giving an ultimatum is that you have to abide by the other person's decision, or it loses all its power. don't get me wrong - i think you were right to insist she not string you along. but now that you've done it, i think you also have to be willing to let it go.

 

F***!!, like I said: "What have I done!?" lol.

 

It is clear that I don't want to let go, so how about Plan B:

 

I keep it friendly, maybe play the friend. Wait around, I can be patient. If after a month there is no growth then I cut it off.

 

it's just bad timing. that happens.

 

The ultimatum, or our 'relationship'?

 

Like I said I am smitten. Spring is in the air around here (South Africa).

 

I'll try to meet someone else in the meantime. (my history isn't very good though in this field)

 

That's what confident guys do

 

That is my problem, I am not a confident guy because of my weight (been overweight since 6y old, huge impact on my self-image and personality. Working on it don't worry). I am very shy towards strangers. (The only reason why I aproached her was because of dutch courage) The double whammy? I am in a new town (work related) with no friends. That could be a motive for my clinginess. I have always been a lone type of guy. I can only call a few people my friends (from my hometown). Like I said a wreck. (I feel like a Woody Allen character typing this )

[MuNky]

the guy at the club might have been the guy who "dumped" her.

I also suspected that last night, afterwards, while contemplating my actions.

 

I apreaciate the input guys, thanks. Keep them coming, will check tomorrow, have to go.

[nicki]

Even if you don't feel it inside, you acted CONFIDENTLY. If you keep doing that, you will begin to feel it, too.

 

That guy might have been her ex, or another guy she is interested in. The truth is that she was being "affectionate" with another guy. You were right to call her on it.

 

As for being her friend, please don't fall too deep into the "friends" zone. Play it a bit aloof. Be friendly, but don't listen to her talk about other guys. Keep going out on your own. Vaguely mention your weekend plans to her.

 

Basically, you don't want her to think that you are just there waiting for her. She'll think doormat.

 

You can let her know that you want to date her. Being friends is part of that, but is not the whole of that....so don't settle for just friends, forever.

 

Be friends until you get to know each other better. That's okay, as long as she knows you eventually want to date her....but it's a fine line to walk.

 

Sometimes we women on the rebound like a guy around who feeds our ego, but we don't really know if we want to date.

 

We'll make our minds up quickly, however, for a guy who really won't put up with that sh#t for too long.

[directx]

Hey, you were the transition guy. She was never into you from the beginning, you were just her confidence builder and something to rebuild her self-esteem. Was it a solid 'dump'? Or the result of a half-assed argument in which they never really broke up.

She felt uncomfortable around you at the club and is not very enthusiastic going out because you are not what she is looking for.

Doesn't mean something won't happen,but defintily not in her near future.

What I would do is just keep talking to her as a friend and stop persuing getting close at all.

The clincher would be when you meet another girl and casually tell her about it. If she is encouraging with your new girl, it means she is relieved and never really say you as a date. If she asks questions or nothing at all, it may be bothering her. Make up a girl you met if you have to.

So in summary what I would do is keep her as a friend and keep looking, but keeping the door open for her.

(You NEVER want to be the transition guy)

[jenniferlm]

I think you did the right thing by asking her upfront. It seems as though she might be wanting to play the field a bit after her breakup, or just doesn't share your feelings. Good for you for not wanting to waste your time and "wait and see".

[MuNky]

Thanks guys. Yeah, I am going to keep my options open, I will remain friendly, give her time to heal (or sort herself out). See what happens. Will keep looking *sigh*. I think a total cutoff would be rude. If nothing happens, i'll just keep her as a "passive" friend.

 

Basically this:

 

If she says that she is intrested (the ultimatum), then I would handle the situation gently, take it with a pinch of salt, not get played. Will be less enthusiatic but still willing.

 

If she says that she is not, I'll offer to hang out some time again, but with no romantic intentions before, during or after. Let the friendship slide into passiveness.

[directx]

Hey,

thats the most healthy response I heard from someone in your situation!

Very wise!