the_alchemyst Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Hi Dad, Yes, it's me again. I'm sorry for bothering you so much, but I really wanted to tell you this: On Friday, I was really shocked by what you told me; I didn't know what to do or say, and that's why I did and said so little. But just because I froze up, not knowing how to react, as is my norm, doesn't mean that's how I meant it to be. You don't know how happy I was to see you. Well, maybe you do since you saw the tears rolling down my cheeks. I know I'm such a cry-baby. I'm so sorry for not being the strong daughter you had hoped for. I'm will be eternally sorry for that. But you know, Dad, I must be honest with you. I lied to you when I told you it was "okay," and that "I understood" because I'm neither okay with it nor understanding of it. Why do you have to go? I know you and Mom are having big problems again, and I know she is with Him again, and it hurts me, too. But why do you have to leave? If you're going to get a divorce, then go ahead, but why are you leaving? You didn't even tell me where you're going, and that can only mean it's somewhere really far. I don't know if I'm being completely selfish, but I need help. I know I'm already 20, but I can't do it all on my own. I really don't feel like I can. How do you think I feel when I see all the people my age with their parents? I can't even call you because I don't know where you are! And I can't call Mom because god-forbid I bother her on her honeymoon! I am really angry that you left like this. Why couldn't you take me? I could have worked with you in order to bring home some money. I would have helped out as much as I could have. But no--you tell me you can't possible help me because you are too messed up yourself. But what you refuse to understand is how much help you would give me just by being there. I wish with all of my heart that you understood how lonely I feel. I come home to nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I want to yell and scream that you both are driving me crazy. I was to run up to a hill and yell to heavens, asking them why I got such bad parents. Because you both are terrible. You don't care one bit about what I may feel or what may happen to me for that matter. And I wish I could hate you both because look at me. I am constantly crying, regardless of how hard I try to "suck it up." Sometimes all I want is to be able to go to either you or Mom and just sit next to you and lead my head on your should to just cry. You don't know how I long for a hug from you both. But wanting that makes me a chump, according to the two of you, right? Well, I guess I am a chump, and maybe that's why so much misfortune has fallen on me. But I don't hate you; I never will. You know that I will always love you, and that I'll always be there for you guys if and when you decide to come around, unless my health doesn't let me, in which case there won't be much more to do. I wish you would have let me be your daughter. Maybe if you had, I wouldn't be so beaten right now. Most children draw strength from their parents, but ever since a young age, you made sure I drew strength from myself, and guess what? I am completely drained now. My reservoir is completely dry. I'm sorry things did not work out for us. At least, not now. I am very sorry. All I can do is wish and hope that someday I will be able to have some kind of bond with you and Mom. I hope that Mom someday stops hating me, and I hope that someday you can accept me. I will try to hang on in hope that you will someday return. I will try to hang on in hopes that you will someday give me a hug. I will try to hang on in hope that you will someday be able to call me "daughter" without having to bite your tongue. Someday. Someday. Someday. Or maybe never. Only time will tell. I love you and I miss you. I hope you are safe, and my apologies if this is hurtful; I just had to tell you. Don't forget me. I know I will never forget you. Yours, xxxxxx _________________________________________________________ I'd print and mail it but I don't know where to mail it to. I wish I could have told him this before he left. Oh, well. It seems I keep on losing.
TheSilentType Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I'd print and mail it but I don't know where to mail it to. I wish I could have told him this before he left. Oh, well. It seems I keep on losing. I was just going to suggest you send this in a letter to him.....till I read the last line....I can't believe he just left like that...
Author the_alchemyst Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Yes, he does. I think my mom told him something, so he came by to see me. I told him everything I knew about my condition; you know, I tried to explain everything I could to the best of my ability. He said he was sorry because he felt he contributed to it very much. He told me that his mom passed away because of a bad heart, also, so it might be hereditary. Who knows. I was going to go to the doctor today but it was my bday. I wanted to feel normal for at least one day, you know? But yes, he knows. He knows way more than my mom, who didn't let me explain anything and just wrote it off. He told he was sorry, but that he needed me to be strong and to take care of myself because he can't right now, as he needs to take care of himself first. He said that once he settles down, he will call me to let me know where he is, but who knows when that will be. What's wrong with my parents?
littlekitty Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Your parents are selfish. So selfish. Too caught up in their own problems and misery to look at their daughter and see her crying out for them. God that makes me so sick and angry. I mean what if something were to happen, how would he even know?! How would anyone find him to tell him? I'm so sorry alchemyst. You do deserve more from your parents. I wish I could send you a piece of my Mum who would sit and hold you while you cry and hold your hand every step of the way.
Outcast Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I'd been wondering where you were and if you were ok. I'm very sorry your parents are the way they are. It sounds as though you managed to be the product of two narcissists. You have to help yourself. You have to find a support group. Have you found a doctor to get a second opinion from yet? You won't help your health by dwelling on all that's awful about your family. You are going to have to manage for yourself and the first thing you need to do is to find support. Yes, you have it here but you also need real live humans right in front of you who will help you out. What about other relatives? Aunts? Uncles? Cousins? Grandparents? Is there anyone decent in your family? If not, then it's even more important to get to a support group. I know you must be awfully depressed over all this and barely able to function, but you have to do it for yourself. If you are too tired to make any other effort, call a distress line and ask for referrals.
Becoming Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Alc, I'm sorry this is happening to you. There is so much pain here that MY heart aches for your brokenheartedness. This is all simply too much for one person to handle alone. If you're going to school full-time, didn't you pay for insurance? Most universities require their students to be covered under some insurance plan--either the parents' or the school's. Your problems are not insurmountable, though they seem like it right now. Demand help from drs., gov't (Medicaid), therapists. Unfortunately, you are going to have to be your own advocate because it's pretty obvious that you feel no one else but possibly one friend is there to help you IRL. Find a real church with a real pastor to help you get in touch with the living reality of God beyond all our human shortcomings. That Power will sustain you when nothing else can. But you may have to search out a few different ones. And I'm sorry about your parents. It sounds like you got a raw deal there and that they're children. There's nothing you can do about their choices. Some folks have to write their parents off and just get on with their lives without them because they're so toxic. Perhaps there is someone out there who needs a surrogate daughter as much as you need a caring parent. ASK, call around. Sometimes good pastors see such situations and match someone who's lost or can't have a child with someone who needs a parent. They help one another with their own issues. I know you're tired and may feel like there's no point. That's the feeling that will kill you, and one you and you alone control. Doing anything on your behalf will make you feel better. So have your day and do what you need to in order to feel better. Blessings!
burning 4 revenge Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Find a real church with a real pastor to help you get in touch with the living reality of God beyond all our human shortcomings. That Power will sustain you when nothing else can. But you may have to search out a few different ones. Don't tell her that sh*t now that she's vunerable :mad: I know your intentions are good ,but Jesus Christ Besides A's a bright enough girl to know better than turn to invisible things for consolation.
Author the_alchemyst Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Thanks, Becoming. I appreciate what you told me. About the insurance--well, that is actually another topic altogether that makes me feel bad, and I prefer not to get into it right now. Let's just say that I don't have insurance, and that I won't be getting any. My dad said he will send me money, but I don't want it, really. I'm going to get a job, although it's hard because with my heart and all, but I will get one, and I will find a way to pay for my stuff. I have to. Yes, I go to school full time, and yes I do pay a health fee, but that only covers minimal body aches and gives me access to a small lounge I can relax in if I feel bad. Counselors at my school charge $75 bucks an hour, and I just can't do that right now, considering I will have to go back for several sessions. I actually heeded Outcast's advice a while back and started looking for some churches. You see, I'm not religious at all, but I do appreciate the messages some preachings/sermons bring. Maybe not on a spiritual level, but they can be comforting on a more mundane level. I have tried hard to believe in God, but I just find it so difficult. Within me, there is this belief that there is a God who does want to help, but I just don't know where and don't know if I would recognize the help if/when I received it, if that makes sense. I found a church Friday night that was nice. They look at me a bit weird, though, so I didn't appreciate that. Yes, most of my wardrobe IS black, but I'm not gothic nor am I trying to be. I just like black clothes. Anyway, I got past that and sat down and tried to listen to the pastor. He made my eyes get watery and I kind of like it. It made me think about many, many things. Unfortunately, I just can't gather myself enough to pray. I will kneel, but then I start to cry and just ask "why?"--but we all know the why's are hardly, if ever, answered. Maybe I should stick to "when?" I might go again this Wednesday. I feel so lost. I don't even know what I'm doing. God--I wish he were real so that he could help me out a bit. But if I'm not worthy of being helped now, then when? Maybe I'm just severely depressed or something. Or maybe I'm just stupid.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 God--I wish he were real so that he could help me out a bit. Yeah. Me too
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