My life is a thoroughfare. give me feedback.

[Emma-JA]

My life is a thoroughfare. Please give me feedback.

 

I 've spent a great deal of time machinating about many aspects of my life. All of a sudden I've come across a situation where I am not in control. My health and well being may not be in danger but for someone like me, my mental health is on the skids.

 

Men, I know them. Most in and out. Joel, I don't know my head from my ass. He is everything I could want in a man everything I could love in a man. He has purpose, a job. He is well spoken and takes great care of himself. He was raised to be chivalrous, and have high morals and values. He also shares my beliefs. So far I have seen evidence of such and have always been wary of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. I haven't been bitten yet.

 

My brother and my mother have met him and think he's gay. Two friends I have spoken to about him have questioned his sexuality. Why? In our culture we tend to take our time with things. This though, if it is a courtship is ridiculously long. 8 mths long. I read a thread about casual dating, and to some extent that's been the case since January. However the word date never came up in conversation and still hasn't.

 

He has persisted in taking me out every time we are on the same continent and calls and emails frequently. I had asked him once what his intentions were and after a very vague response we decided that we were henceforth friends and nothing else. He calls just as frequently and now insists that we should talk more often.

 

The question I ask is, WHY? If we really are friends I expect the same treatment from his as I have from any other male friend. i.e. infrequent calling, maybe once or twice a month an email here or there and when I get home one or two opportunities to hang out. Not every other day, and now every day.

 

I can't take it any more. I like him. I'm sure he knows I like him, but because we've never claimed to be dating I feel no obligation to stay stuck to him. I want to, I reaally want to but it's tearing me up. Pretending not to like him when every other second I have to convince myself that jumping him is a bad idea. and then having to talk to him everyday is overkill. I'm happy to say I haven't fallen in love with him yet but I'm well on my way.

 

There are many things that I have been reluctant to discuss. Like past relationships and relationship ethics and definitions of a relationship. All because I don't know at which point I might be overstepping my self imposed bounds of friendship. Especially with the knowledge that one or two of us actually does potentially like the other. It's like anything I say could potentially sabotage the relationship we do have. On the other hand I have great relationships with my EX's and guys that do like me are still around. I have been upfront about everything. I have platonic relationships with them all, even if they want more. I want more, I want him.

 

He takes me out and pays for me, he doesn't expect favors in return cause I won't do sex out of marriage. I have a lot of pictures as if to introduce me to more of his life and family. He emails constantly and now wants to messenger everyday. Why? He says things and does things to imply affection, but we've never kissed, really hugged, or held hands. I get the feeling I'm either for decoration and he's trying to make a strong case to staying in some closet. Be it sexual orientation, fear of relationships, other women that he's never mentioned, a steady girlfriend... or boyfriend for all I know, because I'm a safe mark. OR he hasn't been in many relationships before and is taking his time testing the waters, is probably scared of commitment has been burnt before, doesn't know how to get around to asking how to change the nature f our relationship outright or he has issues.

 

I sent him an email after tonight’s messenger, which held a pseudo subliminal message. I basically said that I would not be here tomorrow staying with my gran, wished him good luck with what he's doing right now and ended by saying: "Anyway, I think maybe we shouldn’t talk for a while. Stay afloat I’m rooting for you. Me" It was a pretty lengthy email so I'm hoping that by the time he gets there the effect will be like a slap to the face or a serious whiplash on a double take.

 

I hope I haven't ruined our relationship for good. But if he can't grow gonads why should I suffer for it? Right?

[Outcast]

The question I ask is, WHY? If we really are friends I expect the same treatment from his as I have from any other male friend. i.e. infrequent calling, maybe once or twice a month an email here or there and when I get home one or two opportunities to hang out. Not every other day, and now every day.

 

Yeah I knew one of those. Was always with me. Called every night from his bed (not cyber-sex, just talking) and we'd talk for an hour or two. Would come to my place directly he got into town from an out-of-town job and leave from my place so late to go back to the job that he'd sometimes fall asleep on the road (he later told me). Took me places, bought me things. Everything but sex but we absolutely had to hug at every parting or he'd be quite distressed. I had to call him when I got home or he'd call me. Everyone was positive we were a couple - even his best friend, a shrink. But no. He'd have crushes on the wierdest people and eventually got himself a girlfriend who didn't, according to him, have half the amazing qualities I had.

 

He had some theory that one woman couldn't meet all one's needs so he wanted to have a gf and me too - I'd be the person with whom he'd share emotional intimacy! Now maybe one person can't meet all someone's needs but if there's anything someone should share with his partner, it's emotional intimacy. I told him that would be fair to neither the gf or me and dropped him.

 

Moral of the story - there are some real oddballs out there who'll use you as a surrogate gf but not, as you see, commit fully. I have no idea why but I'm glad I'm not the only one to attract them.

 

He had an awful lot of issues, though; chief among them was a total inability to make decisions on his own so it's just as well it didn't work out. Dealing with all his insecurities would have been exhausting.

 

I think you've done the right thing.

[britchick]

Perhaps he feels exactly the same as you do and has no idea where he stands. If you are going to risk loosing the friendship by suggesting not talking for a while, why not pluck up the courage to tell him how you feel.

[Emma-JA]

I'd rather put his head on a block than my heart on a plate. The fact that I asked him what his intentions were earlier on, was a huge indicator of my interest. I said: "If you want us to be just friends, that's fine. You have all the qualities of a great friend but if you want to be friends with the intention of maybe being more later on, you need to tell me." This conversation took place in March. September is upon us. He hasn't said squat. I also told him that as my friend he isn't really obligated to call or email me as often as he was doing. He called the next day and the day after that. Another thing is that he's always come across as the kind of man who is put off by women who are too forward. He likes to make the move. Its not about courage, I share his perspective. I like men making the first move and if he never does, I'm gonna have to guess he never intended to.

[Emma-JA]

I blocked him on messenger. I feel very uncertain about the whole thing. Like cutting of my nose to spite my face. If I didn't do it now though, I know I would be in limbo till next year Jan 1st. By then I would have made it my New Years resolution to tell him 'go stuff it'. I'm hoping for the best and expecting the worst.

[Road Rage]

You are doing the right thing Emma-JA. Any guy that can go 8 months without attempting to jump your bones is best relagated to the past. You are absolutely beautiful. Just move on.