Is this my jealously or are the "ground rules" different?

[Guest]

I'll admit im a jealous guy.

 

I get jealous if my girlfriend talks to guys that i dont know(at college) if it's ON a daily basis...( who wouldn't?). But I never tell her not too. I have never set any sort of rules on her. It's all her decision, and the way i treat her is the way i want her to treat me.

 

I'm herting more than ever now. She was trying to hide a situation from me, and i've always got the feeling she tries to hides stuff, just so i wont think badly of her if she does something. But I want her to be herself..... I dont wanna get involved with someone who does stuff I dont like.

 

The situation was. We were going to the movies the other nite. She was doing her hair so i decided to take a look at her schoolwork to see what they are learning in class. I noticed she got all nervous and wanted to leave. Right when i was closing the binder I found a guys handwriting.

 

She looked so scared and knew the situation just wasn't right

 

Ended up she was doing hw for another guy. I had NO idea about it, so yes I was upset. I asked her who he was and why she was hiding it from me? She told me she didn't know his named and never talked to him before. He just came up to her in class and offered her money to do his hw.... because him and his girlfriend just broke up.

 

The thing is.... we were still talking about it 2 hours later, and i find out SHE does know the guys name and she HAS talked to him before and he sits next to her sometimes in class.

 

It was SO hard to get THAT out of her, and I know it was wrong but I scared her and told her I might know the guy.

 

She told me the reason she didn't tell me was she was afraid I'd get mad... because I have gotten snippy about stuff that happened in the past.

 

I can see why she might be afraid of telling me, but honestly.... she had NO intention of telling me this, and it was PURE LUCK i found the handwriting. I woulda NEVER known about this type of stuff.

 

Am I over-reacting or is this something i should know?

 

And i know im on the jealously side sometimes and im trying to fix it. But she has did about 6 things to me in the past that i woulda NEVER did to her. Including this last one. I woulda NEVER did another girls hw without my girlfriend knowing about it.

 

We've been dating for a year and 2 months and were spost to have this "perfect relationship" But it seems like she doesn't have the same ground rules as me. Or again stuff she has did to me, I woulda NEVER did to her.

 

I've talked to her about it before and it always seems to get ignored.

 

This last one almost ended us cause im fed up with it, and she knows it...... She says the stuff she's did is stupid and she's gonna change? Do you think it's possible for her to change after a year?

 

and i again i know im not 100% in the right either for being jealous, but i never give her a chance to be jealous. I stay away from situations, why cant she?

[Adunaphel]

I am also very jealous and I would not be confortable being in a relationship with people who lie and hide things the way she did - even if their intentions are innocent, they can cause you a lot of distress.

 

It is also a bad idea to date someone who has different 'ground rules' as you.

I broke up with an ex bf because of this reason, and I now regret not having broken up with him much earlier than when I actually did.

 

She says the stuff she's did is stupid and she's gonna change? Do you think it's possible for her to change after a year?

 

Is it the very first time she told you she is going to change? Or did she keep saying the same thing when the other 5 episodes you mentioned occurred?

If this time she sounds like she really wants to try harder, you could give her a chance. But if she makes you unconfortable/suspicious again with hiding things and lying to you, I suggest that you break up with her straight away.

[dreaming4ever]

It IS possible for people to change, even after a year but she has to really want to. Not to make you feel worse than you already do, but the fact that you said this type of thing has happened 5 other times at least doesn't sound very good. Have you sat down with her and talked about how you really want to be completely honest with each other? In the same conversation you could tell her how you believe people in a relationship should act and see if that lines up with how she feels.....then maybe you'll know why she acts the way she does.

[littlekitty]

Ok, I'm going to put a different slant on this....!

 

I have been with jealous men before. The kind who let just enough of their jealousy show that you know all the little things that set them off and make them jealous. The things that will result in an argument, or that you'll end up having to repeat yourself over and over and over that there's nothing going on. When they get a jealous rage and won't listen to reason. You need to set down the rules, if you're jealous she'll roughly know what the problems are!

 

I can see part of that when you tricked her by telling her you might know the other boy. I'm not saying that you had a jealous rage, and yes, there was something she was holding back from you. But you obviously did push and push her (for over 2 hours) until she told you what you wanted to hear.

 

I'm also not saying she's right for holding anything back from you... BUT I can understand why she might avoid telling you certain things, simply for the easy life. If she knows even talking to the same boy everyday in class will set you off... she probably feels like anything she does that makes you a bit jealous will result in an argument, or a 2 hour 'talk' until you are satisfied that she's either trusted, or mistrusted.

 

It's horrible to be constantly accused of doing something you're not, and if she's made to feel like even having friends in class is wrong, then you can imagine why she might not bother to tell you? Try to look at it from her point of view. What would you have done if she had been upfront and told you she was doing hw for a boy she sometimes sits with in class? Be honest here? Would you have been ok with it? From what you say, probably not, and she probably knows that. Should she have done it then? Well no. But your rules seem quite harsh on her... it would be like my SO telling me not to regularly speak to the guys at work!! I have to! It would be rude of me not to! And no, he doesn't know them all...!

 

Secrets don't belong in a good relationship. But nor do rules like yours.

 

If you aren't happy, and she keeps breaking your trust, then break up with her, because she's obviously never going to be able to stick to your rules on how to behave. But I think you also need to look at yourself here too. Her secretive behaviour is quite possibly, in some way, a symptom of your jealousy.

[destination_unknown]

I agree with kitty.

 

I wouldn't put up with anyone not liking the fact that I speak to people of the opposite gender on a daily basis. I don't think your girlfriend would mind if you did another girls homework without asking her permission, she may mind if you CHEATED on her. Talking to someone or being their friend does not equate to cheating. She knows you are overly jealous, you questioning her about this for over two hours makes that blatantly obvious. When I was younger I would have hidden things from you to avoid an argument, now I would break up with you for being controlling. You need to get a handle on your issues and realise that you can't dictate your girlfriends life.

 

Oh, and its: "I never would have DONE that to her."

[littlekitty]

When I was younger I would have hidden things from you to avoid an argument, now I would break up with you for being controlling. You need to get a handle on your issues and realise that you can't dictate your girlfriends life.

 

 

Amen to that!

[Spiderman]

Unfortunately I don't fully agree with you on this one LK, it seems you are trying to justify his GF's secrecy to a certain extent.

 

I think the boyfriend has every right to be peeved on this occasion, any man would. It seems his GF is lying and keeping secrets continuously. How is he expected not to get jealous, prey tell?

 

IMO If a person can't deal with certain issues, they need to be addressed not just swept under the carpet for fear of an argument. Hiding things from your partner is a recipe for disaster in my opinion, no matter how you think they'll react.

 

Jealousy, envy, secrets and lies can easily destroy relationships that otherwise were perfect. A partner who is always jealous can drive away even the most sweet and loyal partner. I'd suggest maybe finding ways to deal with your jealousy issue before it causes your relationship to self-destruct, that said, your GF seriously needs to understand that keeping things from you and lying will just evoke more jealousy and future lack of trust.

 

Males are raised to be jealous to a certain extent. We see movies of jealous males, read books about jealous males. It's considered to be normal. A man who is not madly jealous is sometimes thought to be "too weak". Even the animal kingdom has countless examples of strong men driving away any potential competition. On the other hand, a male who is too jealous can often destroy a wonderful relationship and drive away the woman that he loves.

 

It seems you are both slightly at fault here. You need to address your jealousy, and she needs to address the fact that her constant secrets and lying will cause you to become even more jealous and less trusting.

 

I think a lot more of this goes on in relationships than many people care to admit. They convince themselves they're in this perfect, wonderful relationship but are all keeping secrets from their partners left right and centre...

 

I hope this helps

[Guest]

 

Males are raised to be jealous to a certain extent. We see movies of jealous males, read books about jealous males. It's considered to be normal. A man who is not madly jealous is sometimes thought to be "too weak". Even the animal kingdom has countless examples of strong men driving away any potential competition. On the other hand, a male who is too jealous can often destroy a wonderful relationship and drive away the woman that he loves.

 

 

 

I think this was a good post.

 

I think men think that if they don't display their aggression (where other males are concerned) their women won't respect them.

 

I dated a very jealous guy for about two years. Unfortunately, he let his jealousy run away from him. I was working in a bar and he was constantly enraged when he'd see men talking to me.

I tried to explain it's part of the job, talking to people

 

He tried to force me to quit my job. I finally did to appease him and ended up taking a different job where I made a lot less money. I really resented him for that because I needed money for school.

 

He also hated me talking to male friends from school. I had a couple who were really good friends, no romance going on at all, but he flipped out so bad that I stopped talking to them.

 

The breaking point was when he got mad at me for 'looking' at someone out of the car window.

 

I was so sick of his controlling behavior I left him.

 

See, jealousy can really be like a poison. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time and you DO become secretive, even about stupid innocent stuff, because you start getting so paranoid.

 

Sorry to ramble, but I really do see it from the girlfriend's point of view. A jealous boyfriend can make you start acting crazy.

[littlekitty]

Unfortunately I don't fully agree with you on this one LK, it seems you are trying to justify his GF's secrecy to a certain extent.

 

I think the boyfriend has every right to be peeved on this occasion, any man would. It seems his GF is lying and keeping secrets continuously. How is he expected not to get jealous, prey tell?

 

IMO If a person can't deal with certain issues, they need to be addressed not just swept under the carpet for fear of an argument. Hiding things from your partner is a recipe for disaster in my opinion, no matter how you think they'll react.

 

Jealousy, envy, secrets and lies can easily destroy relationships that otherwise were perfect. A partner who is always jealous can drive away even the most sweet and loyal partner. I'd suggest maybe finding ways to deal with your jealousy issue before it causes your relationship to self-destruct, that said, your GF seriously needs to understand that keeping things from you and lying will just evoke more jealousy and future lack of trust.

 

Males are raised to be jealous to a certain extent. We see movies of jealous males, read books about jealous males. It's considered to be normal. A man who is not madly jealous is sometimes thought to be "too weak". Even the animal kingdom has countless examples of strong men driving away any potential competition. On the other hand, a male who is too jealous can often destroy a wonderful relationship and drive away the woman that he loves.

 

It seems you are both slightly at fault here. You need to address your jealousy, and she needs to address the fact that her constant secrets and lying will cause you to become even more jealous and less trusting.

 

I think a lot more of this goes on in relationships than many people care to admit. They convince themselves they're in this perfect, wonderful relationship but are all keeping secrets from their partners left right and centre...

 

I hope this helps

 

 

Well Spidy, I agree with you for the main part!

 

I certainly didn't mean to justify or condone his gf's actions!! More that I wanted to explain why I felt a young woman may react/behave this way in a jealous relationship. Having been both young and in a jealous relationship myself!

 

I completely agree that secret's and lies are not the way to deal with things, perhaps I didn't make that clear enough. But I also stand by my opinion that his jealousy is probably fuelling her secrecy now, and that expecting her not to talk to other men is a big issue.

 

My jealous SO when I was young did drive me away with his jealousy, but I understand now that my actions at the time didn't help either. I did feel I had to keep anything that would cause a row a secret. Now as an adult, I know better. I wouldn't even be in this type of relationship, let alone be spouting lies to avoid arguments. Honesty and communication are the starting blocks of any good relationship, but it can take time to learn these things!

 

They are stuck currently in a jealous cycle, fuelling each other.

 

You're right, if they want to seriously sort it, they both need to make changes. However, I think it will be hard for them both to move this on and break out of their current cycle.

[Spiderman]

Well Spidy, I agree with you for the main part!

 

I certainly didn't mean to justify or condone his gf's actions!! More that I wanted to explain why I felt a young woman may react/behave this way in a jealous relationship. Having been both young and in a jealous relationship myself!

 

I completely agree that secret's and lies are not the way to deal with things, perhaps I didn't make that clear enough. But I also stand by my opinion that his jealousy is probably fuelling her secrecy now, and that expecting her not to talk to other men is a big issue.

 

My jealous SO when I was young did drive me away with his jealousy, but I understand now that my actions at the time didn't help either. I did feel I had to keep anything that would cause a row a secret. Now as an adult, I know better. I wouldn't even be in this type of relationship, let alone be spouting lies to avoid arguments. Honesty and communication are the starting blocks of any good relationship, but it can take time to learn these things!

 

They are stuck currently in a jealous cycle, fuelling each other.

 

You're right, if they want to seriously sort it, they both need to make changes. However, I think it will be hard for them both to move this on and break out of their current cycle.

 

My mistake LK, I must have misunderstood your angle.

 

Yes I agree, his jealousy is maybe fuelling her to be more secretive, and as you say, it seems they're stuck in this jealousy/lie type cycle, fuelling each others behaviour.

 

I also agree they'll find it quite hard to break this monotonous cycle now it's began. She's going to be worried at his reaction every time she tells him something, innocent or not, and he'll have already lost a certain amount of trust in her, since she's already lied and held things back.

 

My advice would be to talk, talk, talk. Tell her how you feel, don't be afraid to tell her you're slightly jealous about certain situations or you don't understand why she'd want to act this way. She should be able to explain things to you and set your mind at ease. Explain that lying to you will just fuel the fire. Try not to lay ground rules. You're not her keeper, let her do what she wants, she'll respect you more for it. If she's going to stray, she will do, whether you hassle her or not. Don't force her into a situation she doesn't want to be in.

 

Show her you're cool, calm, collective and fun, not some control freak who won't let her out of your site! She'll respect you more and think you're great. That said, don't stand for any nonsense, if you're unhappy about a situation, talk to her.

 

Hope it works out

[Guest]

Unfortunately I don't fully agree with you on this one LK, it seems you are trying to justify his GF's secrecy to a certain extent.

 

I think the boyfriend has every right to be peeved on this occasion, any man would. It seems his GF is lying and keeping secrets continuously. How is he expected not to get jealous, prey tell?

 

IMO If a person can't deal with certain issues, they need to be addressed not just swept under the carpet for fear of an argument. Hiding things from your partner is a recipe for disaster in my opinion, no matter how you think they'll react.

 

Jealousy, envy, secrets and lies can easily destroy relationships that otherwise were perfect. A partner who is always jealous can drive away even the most sweet and loyal partner. I'd suggest maybe finding ways to deal with your jealousy issue before it causes your relationship to self-destruct, that said, your GF seriously needs to understand that keeping things from you and lying will just evoke more jealousy and future lack of trust.

 

Males are raised to be jealous to a certain extent. We see movies of jealous males, read books about jealous males. It's considered to be normal. A man who is not madly jealous is sometimes thought to be "too weak". Even the animal kingdom has countless examples of strong men driving away any potential competition. On the other hand, a male who is too jealous can often destroy a wonderful relationship and drive away the woman that he loves.

 

It seems you are both slightly at fault here. You need to address your jealousy, and she needs to address the fact that her constant secrets and lying will cause you to become even more jealous and less trusting.

 

I think a lot more of this goes on in relationships than many people care to admit. They convince themselves they're in this perfect, wonderful relationship but are all keeping secrets from their partners left right and centre...

 

I hope this helps

 

Thanks for everyone replying. I agree with this post ALOT..... It seems like we are in a circle of jealousy.

 

In the beginning of my relationship i was NEVER jealous. I could really care less if she was conversing with other guys ect ect.... Then one issue happened with a guy touching her butt at work and she didn't tell the boss. I was mad because it was sexualy harrassment almost everyday.... and she just wasn't doing anything about it.

 

It got to the point where she seem to be hiding stuff from me, and all of a sudden everything that was happening at work stopped. and deep down in my gut, I knew she wasn't being honest.

 

After that it all went down hill.... always getting feelings in my gut she wasn't telling me the truth.

 

and just like the other night... i KNEW my girlfriend wasn't being honest with me so I had to literally drag the truth out of her.

 

I'm definitely not saying she's ALL in the wrong and im not, but after everything that's happened within the last year and two months.... I feel like I cant trust my girlfriend. Not with cheating on me or anything like that, But I cant trust her to tell the TRUTH.

 

Just some of the things she's done hert me alot , and if I would of EVER did them to her, it would of been the worst thing in the world. I almost feel like she has more freedom than me. Their is NO way i could ever have any sort of girlfriend besides her. She'd kill me lol, And i'm fine that, but dont you agree, she needs to obide by them rules too?

 

 

I am working on this jealousy issue. Part of the reason is, I'm only 19 and she is my first in more ways the one. So all these emotions and jealousy issue's i get, are all new to me. She's been in one other 8 month relationship.

 

It isn't a matter of her cheating on me tho. It's just being truthful about her situations that's driving me CRAZY!!

 

Were giving it one more try....