litfish Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Hi all, It's been a while since I posted. Six months ago I ended a LD relationship with a guy who, because of differences in cultural background, insisted that there was no possibility of a future for us. However, when we broke up he wanted to remain friends. Because I still loved him, I agreed not to break contact. We still saw each other a couple of times and communicated via telephone for a couple of months after the breakup. An out of country visit that lasted the month of June, allowed us time apart with very little contact. I was feeling okay with our new status as "friends." However, when he returned in early July and confessed that he had missed me and wanted to see me, I was very glad b/c my feelings were still there. I couldn't see him, though, until early August. We both went back and forth as to whether or not we would go through with another meeting. We did, at last minute, decide to get together. The week after our weekend together, he was pretty distant, so I accepted that we would probably just not be in contact after that last meeting, as we had discussed that possibility at one point. However, just when I was sure "THIS WAS IT," he was over me enough to be okay with our not being significant parts of each others lives, he called me the next weekend. We had a lovely, intimate conversation. He called me again two days later. I was hooked into having hope again. And then he didn't call. After five days (yesterday) I called him for a casual hello. He seemed disappointed that I called, and I ended up insisting that we follow through with the indefinite NC that we had discussed previous to our last rendez vous. I feel good about it, but I am a little sad. Hope I didn't make a mistake. I just couldn't bear to continue to comfort him while he gradually worked on loving me less and less. I just felt that he, I, and our relationship deserved whatever scraps of a dignified closing that could be mustered at this point. Please tell me I did the right thing and that I did not allow him and my feelings for him over the last several months (which kept us from initiating NC sooner) to too badly sully the future good memories we each may have of our time together.
alphamale Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 one can never go wrong with NC that is implemented correctly...
Author litfish Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 I know, Alpha, thanks. The only other person I have loved I haven't spoken to since we split nearly 10 years ago. I guess I just hate the idea of NEVER speaking again. Is it okay to someday talk again just to see how the other is doing? When would that be safe and how would we go about that without stoking up old feelings? I would hate to have this ex and I let so much distance get between us as I did with the last guy.
kindredspirit Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I think it will only be ok to talk once you have absolutely no romantic feelings left for him and you can honestly be happy for him if he told you that he was seeing someone else. I wished i had listened to all the people here who told me to maintain NC and to distance myself from my ex. I have failed miserably at NC (we broke up last year!) and now I think he thinks we are good friends again (we were best friends before). I was not strong enough to stay away, so we have been constantly in contact. He even wanted me to join him as business partners with a few friends. Today, he told me about the girls who have hit on him during the past few months (yes stupid me asked) and the few dates he has been on. For the first time in my life, I literally saw everything spinning in front of me. So, it is so obvious that i am not over him and if i had stuck with NC from the beginning (as advised by all these wise people at LoveShack) i am sure that i would be feeling so much better than what i feel right now - which is not that much better from how i felt at the initial break-up stage. I guess I can only try again. He is going away on a trip for 2 weeks so he won't be at his computer - so i pray that i have the strength to really really try this time. I am so so tired of this. Stick with NC. You can always contact him when you have truly moved on, and by that time, you won't be that interested in doing so anyway. I wish I had listened...
In Sync Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I think it will only be ok to talk once you have absolutely no romantic feelings left for him and you can honestly be happy for him if he told you that he was seeing someone else. I wished i had listened to all the people here who told me to maintain NC and to distance myself from my ex. I have failed miserably at NC (we broke up last year!) and now I think he thinks we are good friends again (we were best friends before). I was not strong enough to stay away, so we have been constantly in contact. He even wanted me to join him as business partners with a few friends. Today, he told me about the girls who have hit on him during the past few months (yes stupid me asked) and the few dates he has been on. For the first time in my life, I literally saw everything spinning in front of me. So, it is so obvious that i am not over him and if i had stuck with NC from the beginning (as advised by all these wise people at LoveShack) i am sure that i would be feeling so much better than what i feel right now - which is not that much better from how i felt at the initial break-up stage. I guess I can only try again. He is going away on a trip for 2 weeks so he won't be at his computer - so i pray that i have the strength to really really try this time. I am so so tired of this. Stick with NC. You can always contact him when you have truly moved on, and by that time, you won't be that interested in doing so anyway. I wish I had listened... Don't beat yourself up for not having commited to the NC. I can only hope that you saw from your experience that if the realtionship you have gotten comfortable with is not working be wise and change. You won't fall apart you won't wither away you can only be free of unneccessary baggage. This message I write is for you and anyone who feels well...I messed up with NC so I may as well keep staying in the mess. Don't ever think you can't start again with ferevent desire to get out of a painful situation! NC baby NC.
kindredspirit Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Thank you In Sync for responding - you offered me great advice and comfort the 1st time too. I really should have listened to you then haha. You are right. If this is not working, i should not just live with it, i should change it. I am not moving on, just in depressing circles. Day 1 of NC starts again tomorrow! (very sorry litfish if I am intruding on your thread....)
Author litfish Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Thank you In Sync for responding - you offered me great advice and comfort the 1st time too. I really should have listened to you then haha. You are right. If this is not working, i should not just live with it, i should change it. I am not moving on, just in depressing circles. Day 1 of NC starts again tomorrow! (very sorry litfish if I am intruding on your thread....) You're not intruding...I was in that situation, to an extent, also. I think that had I not initiated NC right now, I would have been in the exact same situation. I was feeling like doing NC after 6 months was too late. But it's not. Neither is a year. If you are not feeling strong enough to just quit calling and taking calls, be honest with him. NC doesn't have to be a one-sided affair. That's what I did. I just told my ex that I couldn't be in contact with him anymore because I still had feelings that made it too hurtful.
kindredspirit Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Unfortunately, I tried that quite early on - explaining that it's too painful, i had to stop talking to him etc. etc. He was shocked and hurt i think, and stayed away, but when i returned for holiday (we are in different countries now) i could not resist calling him, and of course we met up and starting talking again. So i can't do that to him again - he would think that i am seriously nuts, and there is a small pride issue. I don't want him to know that I am STILL not over him .
Author litfish Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 You can't care what he thinks. You only care what he thinks because you don't want him to be done with you. He is done with you already, for the most part. But God forbid that you might do something to cause him to not even want you as a backup girlfriend, which is the status that you have been demoted and have willingly accepted for the last year. Do you want to be his backup? You deserve better than that. You know, I think it is sooo selfish for someone to tell you that they ultimately don't want to be with you but that they "care so much about you" that they don't want to lose your friendship. That's crap. They just don't want to feel guilty and quite frankly, it just feels darn good to have someone that loves you. He knows you still have feelings for him. He knows you care more about him than as a "just" a friend or you would have been gone already. But by still being in his life the way you are, you're not getting the space YOU need to be at peace with moving on from the relationship. The result is that you are perpetually available in case he changes his mind. Am I right? I was. And frankly, that's what kept me sticking around--the fact that he might change his mind. Whoo hoo! But in the meantime, I'm wasting my life away feeling like crap most of the time just to have the privelige of being the equivalent of a relationship spare tire. I was fooling myself into thinking that he "really cares soo much" that he can't let me go completely. If he couldn't let me go, he wouldn't have let me go at all. I'm not saying my ex is a bad guy. But, I realized that if he really had cared enough about me he would have released me to stop loving him if marriage was impossible. He wouldn't have ridden the friend fence. If you are sincerely ready to get off of the roller coaster ride because you are so freaking exhausted, have enough pride for yourself to do whatever it takes to move on from a relationship that makes you miserable. Even if it means looking bad to him.
Author litfish Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Trying to edit this. Accidently posted the previous post twice and it was a long one. Hope this works.
kindredspirit Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Yes, you are right. He must know how I feel and I can't care what he thinks anymore. I have to keep telling myself that it's ok if I live my life without him in it. There were some circumstances that made it impossible for us to be together so I think part of the reason why I continue the way I do is that I keep thinking "it's not his fault". The fact remains though, that I am not with him and nothing is going to change that. I can't keep pretending to be happy when he tells me about all the things that are going on in his life which I am not a part of. The way we are going, he will tell me all about his wedding plans in the future. That image should be sufficient enough to make me want to drop the whole friendship thing. I can't even stomach the thought of him dating someone seriously, although sometimes I wish he would already. Your words have strengthened my resolve to make this work. I know that if I continue in this way, I will be just as miserable this time next year. I will really try this time. Thank you.
Author litfish Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 You can do it, kindrid spirit! I am in a very similar boat. My ex's cultural background dictates that his marraige be arranged. Well, the fact that our doomed relationship was out of his control contributed to my feeling like I was being unfair to him by "giving up" on him by insisting on NC when we broke up. But, one of the turning points for me was when last month he told me that he thought he would be looking for a wife within the year... I just started crying on the phone when he told me that and he told me how he had dreaded having to tell me about it. And yet, we were "friends." Hardly. NC will be hard, but it is so much better than the alternative. Good luck on your liberation!
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