luvtoto Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Well, I think I just got dumped...or I dumped him...not sure. We had five dates over the course of two months. I finally started to open up to him a bit and start asking some questions. Throughout the course of our discussion, he said that he doesn't want to put a label on what our relationship is, and doesn't want to be exclusive. So...basically, he just wants sex. (which he did not get) I told him that I wasn't wanting just a fling. Oh well, I didn't invest much into him, so I came out of it unscathed. I am getting smarter at this dating stuff, but it seems like most men are just in it for the booty. Dating to me is getting to know a man as a friend first, then letting them get closer bit by bit. *Yawn* How mature of me. If I didn't have so much self-respect, I would have sooo screwed his brains out.
Pyro Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Guys who want a commitment are out there. It does get discouraging at times. I went through the same thing with women. Kudos to you for not giving in to what he wanted.
Tony T Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Nah...I don't think most men are into dating just for the booty. The ones I know like the woman to cook for him, polish his car, clean his apartment and rub his back...then comes sex. I hope this clears things up for you!
alphamale Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I told him that I wasn't wanting just a fling. Women usually say this whether they just want a fling or something more serious. I've never heard a woman say: "I just want a fling..."
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Women usually say this whether they just want a fling or something more serious. I've never heard a woman say: "I just want a fling..." I have a fling with my shower massager daily! And sometimes my hubby watches!
Author luvtoto Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Guys who want a commitment are out there. It does get discouraging at times. I went through the same thing with women. Kudos to you for not giving in to what he wanted. Yes, it does get discouraging. I used to be attracted to emotionally-unavailable men. I realize that I have a problem in that area, and when I hear anything from the guy about being commitment phobic, I realize my cycle and end it with him. I am about as commitment phobic as the next guy. However, I am trying to overcome my fear and get in a relationship with an available man. And to look before I leap. However, I seem to keep picking the unavailable ones....or they find me. I seem to be a magnet for that type of man. Thanks for your reply, Riddler. It's guys like you that help me keep the faith.
Author luvtoto Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Nah...I don't think most men are into dating just for the booty. The ones I know like the woman to cook for him, polish his car, clean his apartment and rub his back...then comes sex. I hope this clears things up for you! Very funny.
Author luvtoto Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Women usually say this whether they just want a fling or something more serious. I've never heard a woman say: "I just want a fling..." That was my nice way of telling him that I wasn't gonna have sex with him unless we were exclusive. Have you heard woman tell you that before?
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Good for you girl! Luckily, he was honest about it. Some men try to conform to what they "think" you want, until after sex. But keep your head up and continue to sort out the dirty laundry!
Pyro Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Yes, it does get discouraging. I used to be attracted to emotionally-unavailable men. I realize that I have a problem in that area, and when I hear anything from the guy about being commitment phobic, I realize my cycle and end it with him. I am about as commitment phobic as the next guy. However, I am trying to overcome my fear and get in a relationship with an available man. And to look before I leap. However, I seem to keep picking the unavailable ones....or they find me. I seem to be a magnet for that type of man. Thanks for your reply, Riddler. It's guys like you that help me keep the faith. Your welcome. Glad that I can help. Try and remain patient and keep throwing yourself out there. Just look out for any red flags that indicate the type of behavior listed above that a guy may have. I know that its easier said then done, but when you meet a guy, try not to fall for him right away. Try not to get any feelings involved before you get to know the guy.
Author luvtoto Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Good for you girl! Luckily, he was honest about it. Some men try to conform to what they "think" you want, until after sex. But keep your head up and continue to sort out the dirty laundry! Thank you, Buttaflyy! I really appreciate that. As far as my dirty laundry goes. I wasn't really *in* to this guy. Not much chemistry. His looks kinda reminded me of my brother. I even had a difficult time being myself around him. I was contemplating breaking up with him a couple times last week. BUT, when he started to become a challenge to me, I felt more for him. I realize that is wrong, and I am so fed up with it. I, also, need to break the cycle of NOT being attracted to a guy that IS available to me. That is my cycle, for whatever friggin reason. Don't quite know how I got to this point.
Author luvtoto Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 when you meet a guy, try not to fall for him right away. Try not to get any feelings involved before you get to know the guy. I do that now. Absolutely no feelings involved. We had five dates and it took that long to finally feel comfortable enough to ask the important questions. We didn't kiss, snuggle or nuttin'. We finally had the talk about where this might be going, and he darted. Next guy, I am not even going to let my kids meet him. Until we have that talk. Is dating just about keeping guys at a distance? Boy, that's ironic.
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Next guy, I am not even going to let my kids meet him. Until we have that talk. Is dating just about keeping guys at a distance? Boy, that's ironic. Good point! I never let a guy meet my daughter until I know that it is very serious. Dating is supposed to be the fun part. Don't go in with any real expectations until something about him really attracts you to him. Me and SO dated for 6 mos before he met my daughter. Other guys I've dated she knows nothing about. To meet the kids is a clear message that you are someone special, someone that I plan to keep around. Don't beat yourself up about it. Alot of girls are attracted to "unavailable men" it's the challenge as you've said. You see the problem, the cycle and you're changing it. Good for you!
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Also, some men do only want serious relationships. They have to prove that to you beforehand. My SO had a bit of a hard time with the fact that I wouldn't let him meet my daughter in the beginning. He felt that I wasn't as serious about him as he wanted to be. He took it as a message that I wasn't ready to be serious or to progress in the relationship. This was not true, it's just my method, I like to be sure about a guy first. We are together exclusively now. IMO in order to tell if a guy is really ready to be commited, he'll wait until I'm comfortable enough to progress. This is one of my testers. Not that you have to wait 6 months, this just happened to be what my terms where. We dated and had a good time in the meanwhile. You've got the tools to get with a man that wants to be serious about you, I'm sure you'll sort him out!
DeeBrod83 Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I have this same problem: I love the guys that I have to work for. It's like a game and I have a very competitive nature. I try really hard not to fall victim to it, but sometimes the thrill of the chase gets the best of me. And a lot of times, if I do get them, I get bored. For this reason I'm glad to keep my relationships casual until I get my head on straight about this... but I figure I'll have fun in the meantime right!? Good luck to you, I'm sure you'll do fine with all of this as you sound like you really have a good grasp of the situation.
Author luvtoto Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 I'm glad to keep my relationships casual until I get my head on straight about this... but I figure I'll have fun in the meantime right!? I would love to have fun with the guy while trying to get the pieces in place. But, that's how I get hurt. So, I keep him at arms length until I feel secure...which is NEVER. I feel healthy for recognizing this cycle, and then I feel really unhealthy for not knowing how to fix it. How do I spark my level of interest in a guy when there is no challenge? That is the million dollar question.
DeeBrod83 Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Honey, when you figure it out, let me know! Seriously though, I think there should always be some courting involved, but I guess it's figuring out the difference b/n a serious relationship or just the thrill of the chase.
Author luvtoto Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Honey, when you figure it out, let me know! Seriously though, I think there should always be some courting involved, but I guess it's figuring out the difference b/n a serious relationship or just the thrill of the chase. Dee, you'll be the first to know. The sad part of it is, is that there is a guy I know that would do ANYTHING for me. He treats me like gold. I have no interest in him. The pathetic part is if this same man would treat me bad...I would be all over him. God!
DeeBrod83 Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Oh I understand! Going through it right now as a matter of fact! Just broke up with a guy who loves me to death, would do anything for me, etc etc. But I just don't feel that spark and I can't stay with him that way. It's not fair to him or to me. And honestly, reading around on here for awhile, I've noticed that it happens a lot!
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Guys, not being attracted to anyone is perfectly ok. Even if he would treat you like a queen. I know that I, myself, has never been attracted to the "soft", "let-me-run-all-over-you nice guy". But I know what you mean about the chase of the unattainable. You've got to break that cycle for your benefit. It has to be more than wanting a guy who treats you crappy. Tell me something positive that you've been attracted to by these men. Could it be the aggressiveness in this type of guy? There has to be some qualities in the men you are attracted to that you can find in a good man. One who wants to be settled. Or is it that you don't really want to be settled?
RecordProducer Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Does anyone want a serious relationship anymore? No. Especially us who are married! Nah...I don't think most men are into dating just for the booty. The ones I know like the woman to cook for him, polish his car, clean his apartment and rub his back...then comes sex. I hope this clears things up for you!You have a good point, Tony. Men still think that women are eager to get married and cook, clean, and do laundry for 4 instead of one. Men assume that women want providers... as if they can't provide for themselves nowadays if they want to. For god's sake, we just want romance, friendship, and lifetime company - just like YOU do.
Buttaflyy Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 No. Especially us who are married! You have a good point, Tony. Men still think that women are eager to get married and cook, clean, and do laundry for 4 instead of one. Men assume that women want providers... as if they can't provide for themselves nowadays if they want to. For god's sake, we just want romance, friendship, and lifetime company - just like YOU do. We want good sex too! Regularly!
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