audmc911 Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I am a single mother to a 15 year old daughter for 13 years - alone. My daughter's best friend has been over my house for the past three years. She comes over after school and she sleeps over on the weekend. I take her to dinner, I make dinner, take them to the movies, concerts, shopping, I talk to her about her problems... When I finally called her mother to put my foot down - after three years and said "you need to go and pick up your daughter now. I am a single working mother. You and I don't even communicate. You beep the horn when you pick up your daughter and she has been living at my house for three years and you need to come and get her now" she got angry with me! She started yelling at me! I was at work! Her daughter had been at my house Thursday and Friday nights - did not leave until 8:00 pm on Saturday when her boyfriend picked her up and then she was back on Monday night! The woman does not even work. Her 17-year-old recently left. How is it that people can just "dump" their kids on other people and not call their child and communicate or communicate with the parent who is in charge? Never a thank you, how is she doing...nothing...and no reciprocation. I don't get it. I didn't mind her being there quite honestly, but there's no recriprocation and it's difficult enough for me as it is. I guess I just felt sorry for her and allowed it to go on. But now I have put my foot down. I do not want my daughter "hanging around" this girl anymore. But, they have two classes at the end of the day together. My daughter is in therapy and I do not anticipate that she will betray me, but they can be sneaky. She has not been allowed there in the past, and my daughter just has her picked up by her father before I get home. I have written the school that I do not want her on the bus with my daughter. What do I do if I find out this girl is at my house without my permission?
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I can certainly understand why you might feel frustrated given that your plate is full and you feel you have assumed responsibility for another parent that doesn't seem to be putting in as much effort with her daughter as you are. But why would you want to teach this other parent a lesson by punishing the girls? Unless you think this other girl is a bad influence on your daughter, wouldn't it be a more diplomatic and fair approach to just limit the time they spend together in your care rather than demand they end their friendship altogether??
scrybe74 Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Yeah....I don't get it either. You never mentioned that you had problems with the girl. If she's been around you for 3 years I'm assuming that you two may have gotten close. What's missing from this story. If nothing then I'll echo enigma....why punish the girl? You were probably one of the few positive influences she had in her life. And secondly...why punish your daughter but cutting off her very good friend. Even if you have a problem with the girl...your daughter is 15 now....unless the other girl is doing things that are just out of line for her age why hurt your daughter too just to teach the other mother a lesson? I just don't get it.
Author audmc911 Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 Thank you. Yes, it is punishing the girls. But, her friend is very sexually active and my daughter is not. So, yes, that's the problem. Also, it interferes with my daughter doing her homework and chores afterschool. I am still "on the fence" about this.
Roo Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 WHO are you really mad at why should she stop hanging with this girl... what did the girl do?
Roo Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I guess I got distracted responding before.... lol Ok so set some boundaries she can only come over if you get X and Y done... etc... BOUNDARIES MOM BOUNDARIES!! you can do this... take a deep breath...
a4a Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 well make house rules.... and if this other girl is becoming a perm. fixture she has to abide by them as well. homework must be done. chores must be done. respect is a must. failure means the visiting child is not allowed over for a certain period of time. As for you footing the bill ......stop. The parents should be sending her along with money for tickets or meals..... if spending that much time in your home. Tell her nicely that you cannot afford to foot the bill. Next time you go out to the movies state I am sorry "friend" but unless you have movie money you cannot go with us. Why dont you call your mom and ask her if you can pick up some money to go with us?
Author audmc911 Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 I'm really just mad at the mother for not communicating with me - ever - and I am resentful that she does not work. I feel taken advantage of and dumped on. When my daughter needed to come home from school sick, my boyfriend picked her up and the nurse allowed her friend to go to my house because she was not feeling well either - and the nurse apparently spoke to my daughter's friend's mother - and since she was shopping! she said it was okay if she went home with my daughter! The nurse never checked with me. I am also upset with my daughter for pushing the boundaries...even though I have set them - the mother pushes the boundaries too. And when I tried to communicate with her, she yelled at me. It was very hurtful. I just let it go on for too long...
a4a Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 zero respect in your household..... fix it now or prepare for more hell to come.
scrybe74 Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Thank you. Yes, it is punishing the girls. But, her friend is very sexually active and my daughter is not. So, yes, that's the problem. Also, it interferes with my daughter doing her homework and chores afterschool. I am still "on the fence" about this. like Roo said...Boundaries. Your daughter is old enough to understand responsibility and accountability. The friend aside for a moment...does your daughter have a habit of doing things you to make you not trust her? If not then reconsider. If you simply try and take control like this when you didn't for the past three years she's likely to rebel and do everything you're afraid that she would behind your back. It's better to build trust and mutal respect with a teen. She's not 9 anymore. I'd suggest taking her out to dinner or lunch and have a mother to daughter talk. Tell her why you reacted the way you did and that you realize now that it's not her friend's fault and it's not her fault either. Then explain the real valid concerns you have with the friend and explain to her that you expect your daughter to respect you and the rules of the house. Then tell her that you will allow the friend to continue to be a part of the family and her friend but that there will be rules that apply and as long as the girls follow the rules then all is well. And be reasonable with the rules. Example...you can't control the other girls's sexual activity nor should you. But tell her that if she wants to continue staying the weekend then boys are not allowed at your house when she stays or something similar. Or maybe boys are only allowed when an adult is home etc. Anyway...you know your daughter and the girl better than any of us so think of some reasonable boundaries that you can set up for her and your daughter and then have a group talk with both of them. obviously this girl wants to be around your little family and loves/respects your daughter as her friend. Take the oppurtunity to be a positive force in both of their lives.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 But, her friend is very sexually active and my daughter is not. So, yes, that's the problem. Also, it interferes with my daughter doing her homework and chores afterschool. Lack of parental supervision (or at least my definition of it) was exactly why I encouraged my daughter and her friends to hang out at MY house. Yes, having so many teens under foot had me pulling my hair out sometimes when I needed to get things done, but it certainly alleviated my parental paranoia about what was going on in other people's homes. Especially after learning from the other kids what they were allowed to do in their homes! However, as Roo and others pointed out … there were "rules." Homework and chores were done before company was allowed over. No one was allowed to be in the house without a parent at home. And if anyone stepped out of line, their parent's were promptly called and they were sent home. As strict as I was, they still managed to have fun and actually PREFERRED to hang, here. Except my daughter, of course. If there's one thing I've learned through my experience with teens, is that they actually prefer some structure regardless of how much they try to buck the rules. It makes them feel "safe" and cared for. And if they can't find that at home, then they will go looking for it in other people's homes or within their own peer groups. It reminds me of the old saying: "It takes a village to raise a child." Sometimes I think that is so true!
Author audmc911 Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 does your daughter have a habit of doing things you to make you not trust her? Thanks for all of your advice. Yes, she did certain things to make me no longer trust her - actually - feel taken advantage of. She pushes the boundaries/limits. So, I put her in therapy and that is why I finally put my foot down. Because I want my daughter to focus on herself. The things that she did I suppose are for another thread. I basically told the mother off when I got home from work. Unfortunately, I lost it - so I don't think I need to worry about her daughter being here, and the girls have had no contact since. Although, I would not be surprised if she starts showing up after school again! Her mother never knows where she is or what she is doing. In any event, my daughter says she does not care and she agrees with me that she is here too much! And that her Mother does "dump" her on me! My house for all of the girls whose mother's don't care about them! (seriously) I guess it's a good thing, but I just cannot do it anymore right now. I need to focus on me and my daughter first and foremost. Thanks again for all of the advice!
Roo Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Sounds like you have allowed too much for too long and now it's taking it's toll, don't wanna sound rude but perhaps your daughter isn't the only one who could benefit from seeing a counselor, I'd imagine they would do a very good job of helping you restore some balance in your life. When I've participated in my own therapy it's always helped me. Good luck.
Author audmc911 Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 I totally need therapy. I've had so much of it. I took a break. But I cannot afford it! Plus, finding the right therapist is so difficult. Right now, I'm going to work on my daughter with her therapist and then I will start individual again. I have so much anger! I've never had it before in my life.
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