Annia Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know it's long but I'm going through so much pain and stress right now that it's draining me. About eight or nine months ago, I was living with my boyfriend, Jake. We were together for almost two years but he was emotionally abusive. He called me names, made me cry, and at times I just wanted to die because he made me feel so worthless. At work, I met this girl named Aileen and her boyfriend, Nick. We three started hanging out and becoming good friends. Nick's best friend, Jordan, would come into where I worked and flirt with me all day. One day, when Jake made me cry (again), I had to go into work sniffling and depressed. That SAME day, Jordan came in, bought me flowers, and asked me if I wanted to hang out later. It was unbelievably sweet. So began my affair with Jordan. I would tell Jack every night that I was going to hang out with Aileen and Nick, which was a half-truth because I would usually go over to their house to be with Jordan. He treated me like a princess, which I wasn't used to. This went on for about a month. I was totally in love with Jordan by then. We went to a party together and ended up having sex, and slept on the couch together. The next day, we woke up, and he drove me home. Purely by woman's intuition, I knew that he would never call me again. And he didn't. I was distraught. I completely hated Jack by then, but I had nowhere to go. I was obsessed with Jordan. Occasionally, I saw him at Nick and Aileen's, and we were polite to each other but barely spoke. I was in complete mental anguish. About two months after the last time Jordan and I had spoken, he calls me out of the blue. He wanted to apologize and told me he had made a huge mistake. I was ecstatic. We started hanging out again, and I broke up with Jake two weeks later, for Jordan. Jordan and I were never "officially" together, but Nick and Aileen's lease was coming up and they had to find a place to live, and so did I. We found a really cute duplex. The plan was, Jordan and Nick would live on one side, and Aileen and I would live on the other. It was supposed to all work out. Jordan and I were supposed to get together and live happily ever after and all that jazz. Just when things were starting to go well, and I thought I had my guy, I did something really stupid. Nick, Aileen and I all got wasted drunk and thought it would be a good idea if I had sex with Nick. All three of us were in on it. So, I did it. Of course, Jordan found out and told me he thought it was "hilarious". I asked him if he was pissed and he said no, he thought it was funny. Then he told me we could just be friends, and that's it, because he doesn't get with girls who do stuff with his friends. We all moved into this duplex. Nick and Aileen had each other, and Jordan and I were on the outs. We were still friends, mind you, and still speaking to each other but nothing else. I was still totally in love with him but I didn't show it. A few weeks after we moved in, Jordan and I got together again. We spent every waking moment together. Jordan told Nick how much he liked me and blah blah blah. I practically lived on his side of the duplex. I was ecstatic, again. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I had a nervous breakdown. I thought Nick and Aileen were out to get me. I screamed at them and told them that I was sure they had this huge plot to get us all to switch sides. Jordan and I left that day and hung out with some other people. That night, I went back to his side but he barely spoke to me. He got up and went to bed and I haven't really spoken to him since. Then he told Nick that nothing had changed, that we were still just friends. Of course, I panicked. I'm sure Nick and Aileen told him how crazy I was acting because he wouldn't talk to me. I went over to his side a couple of times for random stuff. I tried to be nice to him. I did his laundry for him, and all that stuff, and still the only thing he says to me is, "Hi". That's it. He doesn't talk to Nick and Aileen about me. He won't even make eye contact with me. Some girl wrote her number on a piece of paper for him and he put it on the refrigerator. I have cried over him so often and this would be so much easier if he didn't LIVE with me. I tried to talk to him and told him I wasn't trying to cause drama or anything, and all he said was, "I'm not worried about it. It doesn't matter to me." And the thing is, I just CAN NOT get over him. I can't. He knows we are perfect for each other and I know we are and everybody else does, but he just can't accept it. I totally love him and I'm so freaking sick of it. What do you guys think I should do? Do you think I should just avoid him or what? I can't live like this anymore. It's driving me INSANE.
brickaney Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Alright I have a few questions for you: -Do you think you ever made Jordan feel smothered with your attention? Like, did you give him space when you two were together? Men need space, not to sound patronizing but I didn't know this for a while, and when women act all self conscious and needy they get turned off. Giving him space while you two were together would've shown him you trust him, something men feel confident knowing, and he would be more attraced to you. -Did you ever talk to him about the time you had sex with Nick? He's probly pretty disturbed and turned off by that. I believe right now the best thing you can do is give Jordan space. When you're around him don't seek his attention. Spend more time with your girl friends, I suggest even dating a few guys. If you show Jordan that you're confident and independant he'll be attracted to you. Though it's difficult to trust him to want you back, that's all you can do. He may not even want you back and if that's the case then it just wasn't meant to be. Don't kill yourself over a guy that won't love you back. Here's a good quote I heard once: "Don't make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." If it's true love, he'll come back. It could be months or years so don't wait around for him. If it was meant to be, the two of you will get back together. Spend time working on your confidence and independence and see where things go from their.
Roo Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I strongly urge you to get some therapy, you do not clearly have the self-esteem you should, no one with the proper amount of self respect would continually be with people who treat you as they have. Your behavior is self destructive and until you really love yourself no one else will either....
brickaney Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I strongly urge you to get some therapy, you do not clearly have the self-esteem you should, no one with the proper amount of self respect would continually be with people who treat you as they have. Your behavior is self destructive and until you really love yourself no one else will either.... I don't believe you need therapy. That's quite an extreme view on your situation. Only a professional psychiatrist should help you make the decision to put yourself through therapy. I think "Roo"'s comment was negative, which doesn't help Annia at all by the way, and inappropriate. This forum is to help people and encourage each other> not to diagnose strangers with "problems".
Walk Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I have to agree with Roo's incredibly blunt and somewhat harsh statement. Although she maybe said it poorly, I don't believe her intent was bad. And maybe therapy isn't the correct word, but I think talking to a counselor would help Annia see how the choices she has been making are causing her to be unhappy. Annia: There are no cosmic forces that will sustain a relationship if one of the two no longer wants it. Jordan has given clear messages that he does not want an intimate relationship with you anymore. You can rail against unfairness all you want, but it won't help you at all. If he doesn't want that kind of closeness with you, and if you love him, honor his wishes in this. You said: "I thought Nick and Aileen were out to get me.""I screamed at them and told them that I was sure they had this huge plot to get us all to switch sides." Why did you believe this? This is highly unusual thinking. Did you have proof? Or was it something you "felt" at the time? "He knows we are perfect for each other and I know we are and everybody else does, but he just can't accept it." If Jordan doesn't see it as "perfect" then it doesn't matter what anyone else believes. Not even you. Respect his wishes. Don't do his laundry. Don't go to his side of the duplex. Don't make him talk. The way you are thinking is skewed. Two people create a relationship. If one wants out, then there is no relationship. No matter how "perfect" you think it was. It wasn't "perfect" for Jordan. You had sex with his best friend with no thought for how it would affect Jordan (the supposed love of your life). Why do you insist on controlling Jordan? Do you feel that if he doesn't love you, then you are worthless as a human being? "I all got wasted drunk and thought it would be a good idea if I had sex with Nick""just be friends, and that's it, because he doesn't get with girls who do stuff with his friends." He stated his beliefs clearly when he said this. You haven't given any reason for why he should believe this wouldn't happen again. Why would you expect him to want to be with someone who is going to have random sex with his best friend. He can't trust you. You think you're perfect together, but that isn't what Jordan believes. He see's a woman who had sex with his best friend "just 'cause", who then blew a nut at those same friends for no reason, and who is now insisting that he forget all that and be with you? Why? What reason have you given him? You are not perfect for him. He's clearly stated he doesn't want to be with a person who ****s his friends. No "perfect" anywhere in that statement. It was an incredibly bad choice on your part, and you have to accept responsibility for your actions. Jordan swept it under the rug as a joke.. but he's shown that it wasn't a joke to him by the way he's acting now. You made the choice. You have to live with the consequences of those actions. "so much easier if he didn't LIVE with me" Duplex's in my area are two houses with a shared wall. None of the duplexes I've ever seen even have a connecting doorway between the two houses. I had to walk out of one, and go to the outside front door of the other to get in to the other. How does he "live" with you if he lives in the other house? He lives next door to you. That's still not easy, but it does mean you don't have to see him if you choose not to. You sound like a kind and caring person... and I believe you could find happiness in your life. But it would be much easier for you to find happiness with a counselor you could talk to about the problems going on in your life. You've made a series of incredibly bad decisions in your life. If you had the chance to change the course of your life, would you? And if you want this... then why not talk to a counselor about the problems going on in your life? Not only would it be someone who won't judge you, but someone who is bound by law to keep everything you say private. If you look in the phone book, there are listing for clinics you could call. If you need help finding a good one then there are numerous numerous posters on here that can help point you in the right direction. Most the people on this board see a counselor or some sort. There's no shame in that. But there is shame in not getting help. You do need to talk to someone about what's going on in your life.. and the people on LS can listen, but I don't feel we have the skills or training to uncover the real problems in your life. This isn't just about a guy not wanting to be with you. This is about the way you view your entire world. How you feel about yourself. The thoughts that go on in your head that no one else hears. And for those things.. you need someone who has the knowledge and skills to help guide you in finding happiness in yourself and in your life. But changing whether this one guy agrees to date you or not, isn't going to fix the real problems in your life. That goes much deeper than just a guy.
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