how to decide

[jennyp]

I've been married 18 years last week. My husband and I have been in counseling 2 years, and things have gotten worse. We used to be joined at the hip, did everything together and had all the same friends, but we never argued or shared any negative feelings. That has come around to bite us in the butt. 3 years ago, a series of traumatic things happened at our small church where my husband is the pastor, and he and I reacted in ways that were unfair and hurtful to each other. It didn't so much cause problems as it did shine the light on the weaknesses in our marriage. He called it "The Perfect Storm", as all the right (or wrong) ingredients aligned to create a very unhealthy situation.

 

He wants very much to stay married and keep working on things, but i'm leaning towards separating. We have 2 boys (12 and 14) who know we've been in counseling but don't know how tenuous things really are. I do love him, but we haven't been intimate in over 4 months, and i don't know that it will change any time soon. I'm frightened at what a separation or divorce might mean for our family, but I can't continue living in limbo without much change. I worry about my husband's emotional state if i push for separation, and i worry about our kids. I can envision both sides of the separation coin: feeling agony at the change in the family, but also feeling space and peace.

 

How do you know when a relationship has run its course? Probably many more people are living in marriages like mine (very amicable sorta close roommate set-up), but I want more. Is that selfish?

[Haunani]

Jennyp,

 

I think many marriages are in that same kind of 'room mate' relationship boat although many don't admit it. I myself have been married for 21 years, together 25. We have many issues that built to resentment over the years. Separation and freedom was a constant taste on my lips but never persued because my kids and financially, didn't know if I could do it alone. I didn't want to be the guilty hateful party so I played the role day in-day out. Hating myself because although I had the nice car, owned a condo, and was by far from stuggling financially, I was not happy, and could only wait for the day to leave him. Actually, I wanted him to leave me, but since he refused to do it, I made the swift decision one day, looked for a place and just did it. If I continued to stew and think about it, I'd not ever do it, but it did take me many years to finally do it.

 

I planned it over the years - emotionally, how I'd feel once it was over. Even being the leaver, I guess I never expected I would be having such mixed emotions once it was done. One would have thought I'd be so joyful to finally gotten my wish. I don't think I cried until I see my kids and guilt sets in. I remained strong, and did things I wouldn't have normally done if I were living with my husband. For the 1st 2 weeks felt like I lived in a fog state of mind. I was filled with doubts, plaquing me daily. Then I realized that it wasn't that I didn't love my husband, though we had definately acted that way, but it was that he wasn't hearing my pleas any longer, and I felt my feelings didn't matter. I wasn't being heard and I was being taken for granted. Our life became boring and routine. I felt like a single parent. I love being married, the status quo. I love having my kids have their family together, but I wasn't willing to become a depressed old hag nagging at her husband and hoping he'd "get it". As long as I lived in the house, it would continue on the same path.

 

I had to leave, I had to have something change. I began working out and doing more things with the kids and my friends. I had the kids visit him weekly and eventually began staying for dinner myself. We are separated going on 3 months - but we are talking, and were into counseling (separate), something he would not have done prior to me leaving. He's also doing things I've always asked of him but taken for granted I'll always be there, it never got done. Now things are moving. He's getting help, I'm getting counseling (separate for now), and we're learning how to communicate and hear one another. I'm not saying it's all peaches and cream out in single life. On one hand I love the peace that comes over not having to deal with 'relationship' issues, and waking up to love kisses from the kids instead of negative feelings. For now, we take it one day at a time, it's like we're discovering things about each other again. He's actually cooking and cleaning and doing the yardwork (he had no choice now), and so funny, one day cooking he made pork chops, said it was his favorite, I never even knew that after all these years. Because we never communicated before, when I'd ask what he wanted for dinner, the answer was always the same - whatever. So I cooked whatever......

 

When the time comes that you've had enough, you will know. You will be playing the balancing act and trying to decide will make your head want to burst. Maybe divorce isn't in the books for you and maybe separation is what you need after all this time. It depends on you. For me, I don't want to live alone in my old age, I want to live with my husband, but on terms that is doable, not just his way because he says so. If there's going to be change, it has to be permanent, not because he's trying to win me back, but lasting change. I was not willing to put up with things any more, and this was drastic but it got his attention. More importantly, seek counseling for yourself, they will help you resolve issues going on within and help you sort them out. You need someone who will listen without judgement. You also need to be calm and in a right frame of mind when you make your decision, you don't want to do anything in haste. Take your time to decide, as my mom would tell me, get on your knees and pray, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

~Good luck in your process, and whatever journey you choose, remember you have to live with your decision, you have to protect yourself too. And you have every right to be happy.

 

~Haunani

[limbomom]

Dear Jennyp, I can completely relate to the limbo state I have been in it since last October and it is not easy at all. I feel for you. We have been married 17 yrs next month together 20, 2 kids, 8 & 10. I keep hoping for some little alarm or something to go off and tell me to go, but I realize that is not going to happen. I would like for him to leave me, but he won't. I want to leave very badly I just feel responsible for him and I know it will hurt him deeply, but then I have been hurting for a long time. All I can say is YOU have to be happy! If you are in that limbo state you must not be happy cause I know I am not. I wish you the best of luck and future happiness. Feel free to contact me if you wanna talk more.