Author robkris8079 Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 Thanks for all the great advice and links. I did not make the appointments yet. Today is the day!! I called and got all the insurance straightened out yesterday as to who accepts my plan and the cost. I am making an appointment for the therapist today as well as getting in contact with a lawyer. I am going to see what she says and supposedly can work with me financially. If this is not the case I will go with a4a and contact fathers rights groups and see what they can do. I have contacted "budget" attornys before but they all say that I make to much money. They should really do debt to income ratio instead of just looking at the net earnings. Just wanted to say this sight has been an absolute life saver! If I didn't stumble across this site I would probably still be checking up on her via myspace and cell phone records. That would have drove me insane and I definately couldn't do as well for my daughter as I am doing. Thanks! On a side note I think I mentioned this before but I don't know if I should be worried about this. My daughter who is very clingy to me right now is also getting very affectionate with other people. My brother for one, who is always around now helping me out, but that I can understand. But other woman especially she is getting attached to. When I use to drop her off at daycare my daughter would cry and try and run back to me. Now when we get there she opens her arms to the woman and can care less when I go. Also my brother-in-laws girl friend. My daughter before really never wanted anything to do with her but now she runs to her lets her hold her etc.. Is this behavior something I should worry about? be happy about? Changes in my daughters behavior make me nervous. I would assume loving people in Kylars' (my daughter) life is a good thing but who is to say my BIL's girlfriend or even the daycare provider is going to be around for ever? I think maybe I am worrying to much about everything. But I have been hurt bad and because of this I am on the defensive about anyone I love ever getting hurt. I really need the therapist:) !
Woggle Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Your daughter is showing signs that many fatherless boys show. She is searching for a female figure and her mother is not it so this leaves her with a void. Be ready to deal with this and possibly get her some counseling.
Roo Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Is there a close family friend your mom, a female relative on your side or a good long term friend who you KNOW will be around (perhaps her godmother?) that could do some girl activities with her, spend some one on one time maybe once or twice a week so that she has some CONSISTENT and dependable female companionship.. ((HUGS)) Thinking of you and little Kylar, if you aren't too far from us perhaps we can get the girls together for a playdate sometime I'm sure Kalea (my 20 mo old) would love another lil friend to hug and kiss... ((HUGS))
blind_otter Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 My point is...if you know you don't want them, don't have them. Unless you were raped, or abused you are not forced to make them. You've heard of birth control failure before, right? It happens. Really.
Author robkris8079 Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 Unfortunately the only person that I feel isn't going anywhere and is a good role model is my wifes step mother. But my wife lives with her. My mom want's to be this person in my daughters life but she is not dependable and well medicated. My mother is very knowledgable and loving but she has a lot of physical and mental issues. I also have a sister, but she is pretty much just like my mother except she has alot going on in her life. So there really isn't anyone? ((HUGS)) Thinking of you and little Kylar, if you aren't too far from us perhaps we can get the girls together for a playdate sometime I'm sure Kalea (my 20 mo old) would love another lil friend to hug and kiss... ((HUGS)) I appreciate your offer. I live in Meriden by the police academy. If your family ever has free time and you want to set up to meet somewhere let me know. You've heard of birth control failure before, right? It happens. Really. My wife hasn't taken birth control in two years. And when she did she was so inconsistent that I doubt it did anything for her. As much as I hate what she did to me and I want to hate her, I confess I still have feelings for her. Definately not the same but I still have that feeling where you want nothing bad to happen to her. So I really hope she isn't pregnant right now. But the thought has crossed my mind.
Roo Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 My Mother lives in Plantsville maybe15 min from you or so?? Next time I am headed up there for a day Ill let you know (although it would likely be a weekend (maybe a friday night I could swing?) I'd say maybe even contact the big brother big sister organization?? For a regular female companion for your daughter... I'll ask my mom if she knows of any resources in your area she runs the Library for the school system there so she might have some good info. Again ((HUGS)) I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is for you to see your daughter treated this way!! BUt she will be a stronger person one day because you did what you had to for her!!
Buttaflyy Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 You've heard of birth control failure before, right? It happens. Really. Sure it does. But the point is that if you are that adamant about being childless, you'd make a great effort not to let it happen. Actually, when used properly, most BC is 99% effective. There are so many options out here for women concerning BC. If you don't want to get pregnant you can make sure you don't. If you get pregnant while on the pill, and using condoms, used them all correctly, your meant to have a baby. To the OP, I wouldn't worry too much about the baby warming up to others the way you explained. She sees the people you mentioned pretty often (her day care teacher, your BIL's GF, IMO this is completely normal behavior for someone that she's around quite often.
Roo Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Just wondering how its going?? Hope you have a good weekend!
Author robkris8079 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 Had an emotional break down big time yesterday. I couldn't stop crying and saying how I wanted her back. No I didn't do anything stupid like contact her and tell her all of this. I just talked to my brother and mother. I think yesterday was the roughest day so far. I don't know if it was the talking to the lawyer or what. But the fact that she is gone hit like a ton of bricks yesterday. I am a little better today though. I have some weekend plans to go camping with some friends. One of which is my ex's brother. That is a little strange I guess but he was my friend before I knew her. And as long as I don't discuss his sister to him I think it's OK.I am blowing off a family event for this camping trip. I know my family loves me but I am not in the mood for all the "how are you?", "If you need to talk I'm here", "If you ever need a baby sitter, give me a call". I know they are showing love and support but it doesn't make me feel better. It just points out that I am not with my wife. I am staying as strong as I can but some days are harder than others. Hope you have a good weekend too. Also hope K is feeling better.
Roo Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Thanks she's on the mend.. I'm sorry to hear it was a rough day for you but you know they are going to be there those bumps in the road and you'll live thru plenty of them before you are thru this. (((Hugs))) how was your meeting with the lawyer? did you get any good info on what you are and are not protected against at this point?
Trimmer Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Hey, Rob - My instinct about your daughter's increasing comfort with other caretakers is that it isn't something to be worried about, unless she is inordinately attaching to them (like, has trouble leaving them when you show back up, etc...) Clearly it sounds like she has a solid bond with you - even at her age she knows you as parent and primary caregiver. I bet the fact that she is becoming more comfortable with other caregivers is a healthy developmental stage - the alternative is she remains clingy, never gets over separation anxiety, etc... and I would think that extreme behavior in this direction would be more worrisome than her showing comfort. If she's comfortable in the social situation when you drop her off, and comfortable with releasing from it when you pick her up, sounds like things are generally good in that regard. Now, having said that, I'll mix that topic with another important one here... One of the things that I find very useful about seeing a counselor for myself, is that I can always bring up "kid" issues with her, and get her perspective on it. (You see, I'm encouraging you on the counseling thing here, just in case you didnt' get that ) If you have any worry about the stigma of counseling, or feeling like it makes you seem weak or anything, take my attitude, which is that a counselor/therapist is a professional advisor that you hire for their expertise in a certain area. You sound like you are strong, and honest about your feelings - this will serve you well with a therapist. I encourage you to continue your good relations with your in-laws, for the benefit of your daughter. I think I would tend to want to leave them out of spousal dealings as much as possible (questions of visitation, your wife's activities, her parenting responsibilities, etc...), partly because bringing them into the discussion relaxes the pressure on your wife to step up and be a mature parent, but it seems that your wife relies on them so much for maturity and structure, that I guess it won't be possible to keep them completely separate. You'll just have to feel your way around that one... Also, from your description, it sounds like your wife's step-mother (I think it was?) is a likely candidate as a positive female figure in your daughter's life, but you kind of played that down, since your wife is around. I don't know if you have to discount that relationship quite so readily - it doesn't have to be either/or... In fact, her (the stepmother's) proximity to your wife could work for you - perhaps you can work to build and foster that relationship with grandma as a stable female figure in subtle ways, without having to make a big production of it. Now, you may think that your level of discomfort in dealing directly with your wife interferes with this idea, but over time, you may be able to detach more from her in her role as "wife", and come to deal with her more in her role (however diminished) as "parent." This idea was a big help to me in dealing evenly with my STBXW. (Who chose to leave me; we have 7 and 9 year old kids, although I am quite thankful that my wife is still an involved, mature parent.) I'll end with further encouragement to continue being the great dad that you are. I think I am too - although I know I'm not perfect, I think I'm good enough to be pretty darned good. The idea that your daughter is only 1 so she doesn't know what's going on is true in some ways, but in a very important way it's complete BS. She knows who she can count on - every day it is getting built into her being, her character and the person she will become - and that's you. I was deeply involved in the day-to-day, moment-to-moment care of my kids from the time they were newborns, and I deeply treasure the bond I have with them. Anyway, I see you building that same kind of bond, and I just wanted to point out the positive there...
Author robkris8079 Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 Thanks for your words of encouragement for myself and my daughter. I will definately bring up my daughter at counseling. Since she is the biggest part of my life it is inevitable that she is discussed. I will continue to look for a positive female role model for my daughter. I guess I should dismiss my step mother in law (Shelly) all together. It would be alot easier if my wife didn't live in her house though. Things will change eventually. Either my wife will move into her own place or I will be in a mental state where it's OK if I go over there and interact with the soon to be ex in-laws. Hopefully Shelly will still be around. Becuase of this and other things going on in her life, she is having alot of problems. I actually think she is at her break point and might do something drastic of her own. I feel for her and her pain almost more than myself. I wish there was something I can do for her. On a side note I do bring my daughter to see my own mother more now. And even let them get some alone time while I go to the gym. I think their relationship is growing. Ever so slowly but growing none the less. Thank!
Roo Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Hey there daddy!! Sounds like you are feeling better today, have you made your appt??? (or wilst I need to beat and drag you?) ha ha... This is going to be a long journey for you with many ups and downs but with each step you will build momentum and eventually it will become less and less difficult to keep moving toward what you want for you and your daughter. your post sounds like you are looking at moving fwd with the divorce and was I wrong or did you meet with an atty last week? I hope it was usefull and that you got some good information on how to protect yourself and your daughter.
Author robkris8079 Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 Hey Roo! How's K doing? I am a little better today. It got really rough for the past few days. Especially yesterday since I knew she was up with the BF. As far as the therapist goes. I have info from my insurance company coming in the mail and an app. was attempted friday but they didn't answer. Maybe left early for holiday weekend? I am going to call right now. Yes I met with a lawyer. All good information to be found there. I have to come up with $3k retainer. Funds are all set so I guess as soon as the money clears I will be filing! I have to move forward. I feel like I am going nowhere right now. As long as I keep things rolling and do things for myself and my daughter I feel alright. She is still pushing my buttons though and I don't know why? She frustrates me so much. Why can't she just keep her business to herself? I think she is most of my driving force (except Kylar) for me to get things done and be in a better place. On the drop off this weekend again she was a little early. Then insists on using the bathroom after I told her to leave the baby's stuff on the sidewalk and I will get it in a second. I let her use the bathroom and as she is leaving she looks at me and says "on the road again". She told me the other day the baby had to come back between 5-6 because she "has plans". She said "I'm going away". Meaning back up to cape cod and see the BF. She just came back from Maine visiting her mom. Drove all the way back to CT, then all the way to Cape Cod. Thats about 800 miles of driving in a weekend. Not to mention $150 in gas in her SUV. She better not complain to me about child support again if she can afford to do that. Sorry for the vent. Thanks again Roo and everyone else in this community. You guys really help. I would be totally lost with out this forum.
Buttaflyy Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Thank you Rob for sharing. You are a reminder to me that there are good fathers out there. Good, men period! I know I kept saying this, but your daughter was truly blessed to have you as a dad. Young and still so mature.
Author robkris8079 Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 Thanks Buttaflyy for the encouragement. I do the best I can with the knowledge I was given. I will always take care of my family and do what is absolutely best for them. And hopefully I am mature enough to make the right decisions.
Buttaflyy Posted September 5, 2006 Posted September 5, 2006 Thanks Buttaflyy for the encouragement. I do the best I can with the knowledge I was given. I will always take care of my family and do what is absolutely best for them. And hopefully I am mature enough to make the right decisions. You will! You are so far (making the right decisions)! God Bless you and your little Angel.
Author robkris8079 Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 I figured I would update my daughter situation on this post instead of starting a new one. She went for your VCUG study yesterday. Everything checked out normal!!!!! I am so happy. I was a nervous wreck yesterday. She only has one more appointment with urology on tuesday and then comes of the antibiotics. I pray every night that she is OK. Obviously I had to see the wife yesterday. The encounter was pleasant. She didn't make any hurtful comments. She actually talked to me. Almost like we were friends and nothing happened? I don't know how that made me feel. Strange thing is though she kept asking me questions as to what they were going to do to the baby. And about times and places of the babies next appointment. All of these things she always took care of so its strange of her to be asking me. She told the baby "we have to go and get daddy a present for tomorrow". It's my birthday today. After the study I walked the baby back to her truck and said good bye to Kylar. As I was walking away I yelled back to the wife "you two have a good day." About 5 minutes later she called me but I missed the call. I don't answer her calls anyway. If it's important she will leave a message. Then she called me this morning at 7am. I didn't aswer that one either. But no message. I don't know if I am playing NC or just trying to get over her quicker. But I do know the less contact and conversation the better I feel. Seeing her and talking to her makes me feel good for the moment but then I feel terrible later. I did get a little sad yesterday about the baby. Whenever her mother and I are together the baby always clings to me and doesn't want to go to her mother. In the beginning this made me feel good. But now when I see it I get sad. I just want Kylar and Kristen to have a good strong relationship no matter what direction our lives take.
Touche Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Wow. I just wanted to say that I too am VERY impressed with you. I wish you lived in my state because I have a lawyer friend who is very close to me that I could convince to take your case pro bono (free of charge.) You're one in a milliion.
Trimmer Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Rob - I misssed in your other thread where you said your daughter was going in for the VCUG... My daughter had one around age 2 (she'd had a couple of UTI's close together.) I wasn't very happy about it, but when I asked her for an opinion as a parent, our pediatrician, who I trusted, said that she wouldn't be very happy about it either, but she would have it done on her child if she were in my situation, so... Anyway, all was OK for us, too. Good to know the kidneys and bladder check out, eh? Over the next month or two, my girl performed the procedure on a number of her different stuffed animals, using an extra catheter (a new one!) the nurse gave her, and pulling out her lower dresser drawer as an X-Ray machine over the "patient" who was lying on the floor. She was quite gentle and compassionate - I think she was kind of working out the whole strange thing, making it OK... Anyway, I'm glad yours was all clear. So have her symptoms (fever, etc.) pretty much resolved now? Hope it all goes away - that was our experience... I did get a little sad yesterday about the baby. Whenever her mother and I are together the baby always clings to me and doesn't want to go to her mother. In the beginning this made me feel good. But now when I see it I get sad. I just want Kylar and Kristen to have a good strong relationship no matter what direction our lives take. You're doing well at keeping your feelings for your wife separate, and keeping your priorities as a parent straight, and in the best interest of your daughter. Nice job. I know that tug, where your ego feels good that they rely on you, but you know, in the big picture, they need a balanced life and a good relationship with both parents.
Author robkris8079 Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 Yes I am glad the VCUG was done. It was a fairly simple procedure though I am sure very uncomfortable for my daughter. But like you said, to know the kidney/bladder is all ok lifted a ton of weight off of my shoulders. It's very cute how your daughter dealt with her experience. As far as symptoms there are none since she got out of the hospital last month. But she stops the anti-biotics next week so we will see. One night she felt warm so I took her temp. It was 99.1 I believe and I started to panic. The doctor said not to worry unless it is 101. An hour later she didn't feel warm or anything. Other than that she has been wonderful. You're doing well at keeping your feelings for your wife separate, and keeping your priorities as a parent straight, and in the best interest of your daughter Thank you. It's not easy all the time. Once in awhile my feelings towards my wife drive me crazy. My daughter is alway top priority though. What's best for her is always on my mind with every desicion I make.
Roo Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Hey there kid, sorry I've been mia starting up the Business is pretty much taking up all my time and then some. I'm actually going to be up your way on Saturday to do a pregnant mother and child photo shoot, I don't think either of us has pm privelages yet but ummm I'm EASY EASY to find on myspace my name is Aurora zip 06776. I'm so glad to hear Kylar came thru with flying colors I'm sure thats a huge weight off.
Author robkris8079 Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 Yeah I have't been on in a while to. I cancelled my myspace. My wife was putting things up on hers like changing her status from married to single. As well as removing every little thing about me from her page. But then she kept Me on her friends list so that I can view it all. I eventually got fed up and just x'd my account. Things with the baby are great. The wife situation is another story. I don't really have time to get into it but bottom line is I had her served. There was mention on her part about moving away with the baby so I had to take immediate action. I will look into your myspace and maybe start another one up in time. I didn't even know we could pm on here. You can always email me at [email protected]. I don't know if I am allowed to post that but.... Again thanks to this great forum and I will start posting again really soon. Work is crazy and I don't have the internet at home!
Roo Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I am soo soooo sooooo glad you took action, I hope you have protected yourself and Kylar!! and I hope all is well not sure I think they'll probably delete it if they catch it!! lol but Igot it anyway! ((((HUGS)))) for you and K!! and thanks we're all healed over here now!
Sup Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Please help me understand my seperated wifes feelings for our child. My wife had an affair and left our home. I have the baby with me. My wife lives with her father. She use to be the perfect mother. Played with the baby, made sure she had everything she needed and then some. After we seperated I told my wife that our child and myself needed to get on a routine. The baby see's her mother on wednesdays (wife doesn't work wednesdays) and weekends. I have her during the week and bring her to daycare and pick her up. But my wife is always bringing the baby back early. She was suppose to go to a family reunion sunday and see family that never met the baby and people she hasn't seen in years. Instead because the reunion was moved from Mass (where her BF is) to Maine she decided she wasn't going to go. She gave me the baby back and went to Mass. My wifes mother hasn't seen the baby in over a month. Our child just turned one and life seemed normal up until then. I can almost understand my wifes changes in feeling towards me. People grow apart and fall out of love all the time. But this baby thing has gotten me worried. She say's all the time she wants to see the baby more. She want's to bring the baby to daycare in the mornings? What is a half hour ride going to do for the baby? I guess that is enough for my wife to get through the day but is this healthy for our child. It seems to me that a set schedule would be best. Please help me undsertand and give me your thoughts on what is best for the baby. I really don't want to have to see or talk to my wife everyday. It makes me a mess and I don't want to be like that when I have our daughter. Have you honestly thought about divorcing this woman? She's acting more like a child than your baby. Contact a Lawyer about this and go for full custody and child support. Also ask the lawyer about your wifes ABANDONMENT, yes, you can do this, however I don't know about the laws in your state. Get checked for STDs, and make sure the baby is yours. Don't waste your life on this woman, make your own decisions about your life, she has made hers.
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