seperated wifes feelings towards our child?

[Buttaflyy]

I think you are already doing all the right things. Take one day at a time and don't beat yourself up. From what it seems, you're doing a great job!

[audmc911]

Please help me undsertand and give me your thoughts on what is best for the baby. I really don't want to have to see or talk to my wife everyday. It makes me a mess and I don't want to be like that when I have our daughter.

 

I am reposting the below - Read it again and I hope it helps! all the best, aud

 

Go to therapy and bring your daughter to play therapy. It will be quite helpful. You sound very strong and will do a bang up job as a single dad. As a single mother of a 15 year old since she was 2, I find your wife's behaviour unacceptable and incomprehensible. There is something missing there for her to behave that way toward her daughter. Accept that you cannot change someone and focus on yourself and your daughter. They don't come with instruction manuals, but I can tell you that 1 hour a day of playing with her with a doll house, kitchen, etc., putting her in the tub, reading her a bedtime story - is all you need to do now and she will be fine. As an aside, your wife may be suffering from depression.

[RecordProducer]

How do I get visitations down on paper? Is it a court thing or just write something out and we both sign it thing?

I really don't know how it is in the US (I just moved here), but I would assume it's the center of social work, just like in Europe.

 

No, you don't sign it yourself, you need a professional to decide what's the best for the baby. I don't know if a home-made agreement has any legal value. In any case, you see that you can' agree with your wife.

 

Believe me, being in friendly terms really pays out. If you're in bad terms, you can't have control over anything and you'll end up shaking about your child's safety. Your wife needs to accept that YOU are the responsible parent now and you make all the decisions. She can see the baby, but only if you stick your thumb up. If you get custody, every time you say "She is sick, she can't go out" the other parent has to obey your decision.

 

You will get over her and won't feel bad every time you see her. Just please understand that this is a phase when you are in agony and want to jump out of your skin - this is normal! We all felt that way for a while when we were dumped with little babies. It does go away and things become brighter after a year or two.

 

Try not to dwell on your pain too much, because it will disappear anyway so why hit your head off the wall? Just relax and try to enjoy yourself and most of all, enjoy your daughter.

[audmc911]

Even if it's on paper, she doesn't have to abide by it. My ex doesn't even call. The last thing you want is to get the baby all ready for mommy and she doesn't show up. It will be even worse when she is 2 because then she will be waiting for her! And crying because she didn't show up. So, right now, it sounds like you just need to go with the flow. You cannot control your wife's actions.

[RecordProducer]

Even if it's on paper, she doesn't have to abide by it. My ex doesn't even call. The last thing you want is to get the baby all ready for mommy and she doesn't show up. It will be even worse when she is 2 because then she will be waiting for her! And crying because she didn't show up. So, right now, it sounds like you just need to go with the flow. You cannot control your wife's actions.

In my former country, if you don't abide the agreement (which is treated as a court decision, because social workers work for the authorities), you are legally responsible. In other words, whoever of the two parties breaks the agreement is breaking the law.

 

You can sue her that she didn't come just as much as she can sue you for not letting her see the child. My ex actually lied to them that I didn't let him see the kids and they believed him (the truth was he didn't call or come to see them or give any money for 4.5 months!), but there was no written agreement at that time so they just made it for us.

 

He wanted to see the kids every day and I agreed to it since I thought it was good for the kids. They said NO and stated that they prefered to stick to a model that was recognized by the law as better: every other weekends for two days and every Wednesday for 4 hours.

 

My ex and I ignored the decision and he was seeing the kids almost every day. But then some day he started a fight about me not letting him see the kids (they were sick) and said: "From now on, I will stick to the social worker's decision!"

 

Basically it was an excuse for him to go from every other day (at the time) to once a week.

 

You need to get custody as soon as possible if you want to keep the child. Once you have it official, she won't be able to interfere and ruin your life; she will only be able to use whatever rights she will be granted by the court.

 

If she asks for joint custody, she has to spend 50% of the time with the child. The court will not give her or will take away the priviledges of an equal parents (that also means no or little child support) if she is not acting like one.

 

But these are the genral laws and they might differ in the US or from state to state so please don't take my word for granted. It's best to talk to an attorney.

[robkris8079]

Well I went and talked to the family. It went OK. Talking to Kristen is like talking to a wall. She just shuts down, says nothing, and rolls her eyes. The purpose of yesterdays visit was to make sure that my daughter has a place to stay on the weekends. Which all parties involved agreed that the baby can stay at her granpa's house. That's where my wife lives if you missed that post earlier. I guess that was resolved but then my wife starts going on about seeing the baby more. I didn't play it as cool as wanted to. I get really frustrated when she says that because like I said earlier why the hell does she not use all the time she has with her. She told me I get to see her everyday. Of course I do. She lives with me and you left. I asked Kristen why she had to call me if she didn't think the baby could stay with her and her parents on the weekend. Why didn't she just verify with them, make sure it was OK, and leave me alone? I asked her if we didn't sit down and discuss this what were her plans with the baby on the weekend. She said she was thinking about staying with the baby at my house?!? What the F is she thinking? I am not OK with that. I love my daughter more than I need oxygen but I am trying to move forward and need a life of my own. I don't want my soon to be ex staying there on the weekend. Am I wrong for thinking this way? She didn't even look at the baby while we were there. About every 15-20 minutes she or someone else would make and attempt for her to hold the baby but the baby wanted no part of it. The baby is strongly attached to me right now and to her grandma so pretty much Kristen was third choice in the room. It makes me sad to see that. I am not going to lie, when she attempt to hold the baby and she kicks and screams and comes running back to me it feels dam good. But it still hurts to see a relationship with her mother not the same as it once was.

 

Thanks for everyones help on this. Keep the comments coming.

[Touche]

I don't really know what to say other than you should be very proud of yourself. You don't need advice on how to be a father. You're a good one...a damn good one and could teach others a thing or two.

 

It's sad about your daughter's mother. I can't understand mothers who aren't attached to their kids. It doesn't seem natural.

 

Hopefully, she'll change and grow up soon. But in the meantime your daughter is SO lucky to have such a great dad.

[robkris8079]

It's sad about your daughter's mother. I can't understand mothers who aren't attached to their kids. It doesn't seem natural.

 

First let me say thank you for the kind words. The thing that is killing me inside which I have stated before is that my wife says all the things to make you believe she is a devoted, loving, caring mother. But her overall actions say otherwise. Such as the bringing the baby back early or trying to get out of her days with her all together. Then Kristen will lay on the water works and say "I just want to see my daughter" or "why can't I see my daughter everyday like you do". I just don't understand. Does she believe herself? Is she really missing her daughter? Does she only miss her when she is staring into our daughter beautiful big blue eyes? Does any thoughts of our daughter go through her mind any other time? My in-laws say when she is there with the baby they play a little but some of the responsibility gets laid on grandma. And Kristen is always trying to get the baby to go for a nap or to bed early. What is that all about? I never mentioned this before but when she asked for a break the first time she said "I need a break, time to be alone just me and the baby". Then two days later she said "I just need a break, I need time alone". I should have know right then her relationship would be different with the baby. Thats when I moved back into the house and took the baby. She denies ever saying this now. She seems to do that alot now. Say something and then just totally deny saying it.

[Woggle]

Divorce her, file for custody and make her pay child support. She would do the same if things were reversed.

[a4a]

First let me say thank you for the kind words. The thing that is killing me inside which I have stated before is that my wife says all the things to make you believe she is a devoted, loving, caring mother. But her overall actions say otherwise. Such as the bringing the baby back early or trying to get out of her days with her all together. Then Kristen will lay on the water works and say "I just want to see my daughter" or "why can't I see my daughter everyday like you do". I just don't understand. Does she believe herself? Is she really missing her daughter? Does she only miss her when she is staring into our daughter beautiful big blue eyes? Does any thoughts of our daughter go through her mind any other time? My in-laws say when she is there with the baby they play a little but some of the responsibility gets laid on grandma. And Kristen is always trying to get the baby to go for a nap or to bed early. What is that all about? I never mentioned this before but when she asked for a break the first time she said "I need a break, time to be alone just me and the baby". Then two days later she said "I just need a break, I need time alone". I should have know right then her relationship would be different with the baby. Thats when I moved back into the house and took the baby. She denies ever saying this now. She seems to do that alot now. Say something and then just totally deny saying it.

 

 

well your wife is not who you thought she was, that must hurt and be very confusing for you.

 

I see many women blabber about how wonderful they are to their kids. How important their kids are to them. Yet in reality they are not. She is a mother so she is supposed to conform to the socially accepted ideals of how a mother should feel and act towards her child.

 

How many people would ever admit they they wish they never had their kids and would admit that they want to leave them on a doorstep?

 

Mothers have killed their children. So have fathers. So that alone shows that not all people are capable of being loving parents. It seems to me that she is trying to keep up her public image of being a mother but really has no desire at this time to really be one. She may have even thought she was capable and that is a role she must take on. My guess is your wife is very into her outter image and is putting up a front to pretend she cares to save face.

 

I myself do not have kids....... never will. I certainly do not feel any maternal feeling around children. My guess is your wife does not have this feeling either and you cannot expect her to. Just like some men don't care about their children. But of course it is much more horrendous in the opinion of the masses if a mother rejects her children.

[Touche]

Wog might have a point there.

 

Also, if I were you, I'd stop focusing so much on what she says and does. You need to let it go in one ear and out the other. You'll end up drained and tired and frustrated trying to figure her out. She's obviously messed up right now but that's HER problem not yours.

 

Focus on your daughther and having a life for yourself. Let her go. Don't let her draw you in to her drama and all her crap.

 

Actions DO speak louder than words where her daughter is concerned. It's obvious she doesn't give a rap.

 

I would document every visit and any times that she brings her back early. Get a calendar and start keeping track.

 

And yes, I'd go for custody. Visitation can be worked out and she SHOULD pay you child support.

[Touche]

"But of course it is much more horrendous in the opinion of the masses if a mother rejects her children."

 

Well, it's equally as horrendous when a father rejects his kids. The only reason I stated that I can't understand mothers who reject their kids is that I am a mother myself. I am not a father.

 

But good point. It's despicable and sad - no matter which parent does the rejecting. I don't think many people would argue that point.

 

Oh and GET A LAWYER NOW!

[Woggle]

It is disgusting whenever a parent is not a parent no matter whether it is a mother or father. I disagree on the fact that mothers get more scrutiny. So far in this thread I am the first one to suggest child support but if this a woman talking about her husband they would have torn him to pieces and rightfully so. This man's wife should be torn to pieces in the same manner.

[Touche]

It is disgusting whenever a parent is not a parent no matter whether it is a mother or father. I disagree on the fact that mothers get more scrutiny. So far in this thread I am the first one to suggest child support but if this a woman talking about her husband they would have torn him to pieces and rightfully so. This man's wife should be torn to pieces in the same manner.

 

I absolutely, totally agree with the above.

[a4a]

It is disgusting whenever a parent is not a parent no matter whether it is a mother or father. I disagree on the fact that mothers get more scrutiny. So far in this thread I am the first one to suggest child support but if this a woman talking about her husband they would have torn him to pieces and rightfully so. This man's wife should be torn to pieces in the same manner.

 

Really now what will that accomplish? tear them to pieces.........

 

Why not instead focus on goals for the OP.... like getting a divorce, therapy, and being an awesome father.

 

The chick has a screw loose or something..... so lets waste energy throwing rocks at her. Why not instead move forward away from her. Set goals attain them.

 

Wog you are such an angry angry man. And if we were discussing this with the genders reveresed I would still say....... tearing them to pieces is not a worthwhile action...... my point is that there is no point in asking why she is doing what she is. She just does not want to really be in the childs life.

 

So move on then. It cannot be changed by anyone but her. And it may never change.

 

I do agree that Rob needs to divorce her....... as I have posted in a previous thread. And my post was pointing out why she is putting up the facade of the good mother to the OP not to start a pissing match over men vs women.

[Buttaflyy]

It is disgusting whenever a parent is not a parent no matter whether it is a mother or father. I disagree on the fact that mothers get more scrutiny. So far in this thread I am the first one to suggest child support but if this a woman talking about her husband they would have torn him to pieces and rightfully so. This man's wife should be torn to pieces in the same manner.

 

I agree with you woggle, and you were not the only one suggesting child support. I've mentioned it before and as I said, at the very least, she has a responsibility to support the child financially. The OP stated that she does.

 

OP, you may have to realize that she is not such a great mother right now, and you can't force her to be one. The good thing in this is that she has support at home from her parents, and you can have piece of mind in knowing that your daughter is being cared for while she is visiting. You should definitely divorce and file for custody, I'd hate to see your predicament worsen if she decides to take the baby one day.

 

Also, I wouldn't allow her in my home either. Definitely not for a weekend. She's playing alot of games here. Do you think she wants to come back?

[Buttaflyy]

well your wife is not who you thought she was, that must hurt and be very confusing for you.

 

I see many women blabber about how wonderful they are to their kids. How important their kids are to them. Yet in reality they are not. She is a mother so she is supposed to conform to the socially accepted ideals of how a mother should feel and act towards her child.

 

How many people would ever admit they they wish they never had their kids and would admit that they want to leave them on a doorstep?

 

Mothers have killed their children. So have fathers. So that alone shows that not all people are capable of being loving parents. It seems to me that she is trying to keep up her public image of being a mother but really has no desire at this time to really be one. She may have even thought she was capable and that is a role she must take on. My guess is your wife is very into her outter image and is putting up a front to pretend she cares to save face.

 

I myself do not have kids....... never will. I certainly do not feel any maternal feeling around children. My guess is your wife does not have this feeling either and you cannot expect her to. Just like some men don't care about their children. But of course it is much more horrendous in the opinion of the masses if a mother rejects her children.

 

The obvious difference here is that you don't want children and don't have them. It is a shame for any mother to abandon her kids. Just as shameful for a dad. I don't understand your point in saying that you don't want kids in comparison to this mother. So what if society believes that she should want to be a mother, love her child, and take care of her, she did carry her for 9 months and as the OP stated she planned to have a baby.

[a4a]

The obvious difference here is that you don't want children and don't have them. It is a shame for any mother to abandon her kids. Just as shameful for a dad. I don't understand your point in saying that you don't want kids in comparison to this mother. So what if society believes that she should want to be a mother, love her child, and take care of her, she did carry her for 9 months and as the OP stated she planned to have a baby.

 

 

My reason is that is why she is throwing out the BS that she wants to see the child and other crap.

 

So when a person comes to her and says the underlined she will not admit that she cannot be bothered or have the real desire to be in the childs life.

 

She lies because she feels like she has to to save face publically. In her heart she does not want to be around this child or she would make it happen.

 

and I am bringing myself into the picture to show the OP that you cannot force a woman or man to want, love a child, or want it to be in your life. For some people it is just not there. That feeling of wanting a child or caring for them is not a strong desire for some and he is wasting his time if he expects her to feel this.

 

And I am sure people like Susan Smith who killed her kids so her bf would like her more lacked this feeling of wanting her kids too. (not saying the OPs wife would kill the child, nor saying I would......but just because a person gives birth does not make them want the child or share its life) I am sure Susan wanted her kids too at the start, she probably was a good mom in the eyes of many at the start...... but never really had that maternal instict. She was playing a role........hell she could have given them up for adoption.... but that would have made her look like a bad mom.

 

That is my point.

[Roo]

UGhh...

 

Seriously I'm so so sorry for you your ex sounds like a real piece of work.

I asked her if we didn't sit down and discuss this what were her plans with the baby on the weekend. She said she was thinking about staying with the baby at my house?!? What the F is she thinking? I am not OK with that. I love my daughter more than I need oxygen but I am trying to move forward and need a life of my own. I don't want my soon to be ex staying there on the weekend. Am I wrong for thinking this way?

 

No you are not crazy, not in the least your Ex behaves like an overindulged child thinking she can have what she wants when she wants it, expecting that her every whim be catered to... (just another reason to get your visitation/custody/support arrangements legalized so she WILL be held accountable) She must be accustomed to getting her way though to suggest something outragous like that, remember that just because you are no longer interested in letting her be a big child, doesn't mean she's going to stop trying.

 

but then my wife starts going on about seeing the baby more. I didn't play it as cool as wanted to. I get really frustrated when she says that because like I said earlier why the hell does she not use all the time she has with her. She told me I get to see her everyday.

 

Umm it's not your obligation to placate her or sugar coat it... but then you don't really need to get upset do you, I mean you will, but why get angry because you are holding back?? Don't hold back just say it like it is..

 

"Well Kristen you decided you wanted to be on your own, to have space and to walk out on us as a family, you are not responsible enough or stable enough to have our child on your own. These are the consequences of YOUR CHOICES, I'm sorry you don't like them but that's your problem."

 

My in-laws say when she is there with the baby they play a little but some of the responsibility gets laid on grandma. And Kristen is always trying to get the baby to go for a nap or to bed early. What is that all about? I never mentioned this before but when she asked for a break the first time she said "I need a break, time to be alone just me and the baby". Then two days later she said "I just need a break, I need time alone". I should have know right then her relationship would be different with the baby. Thats when I moved back into the house and took the baby. She denies ever saying this now. She seems to do that alot now. Say something and then just totally deny saying it.

 

1. Be glad she's living with your in-laws at least there is some responsible adults in the house when your daughter is there to visit honestly if your wife were to move out on her own as things are at this point I would expect you to look into having her visitation restricted, or required supervision, you wife does not sound truly capable of caring for your daughter on her own.

 

2. Stop dwelling on what she did or said then, it's irrelavent. She and have said or will say whatever suits her at a particular moment, you need not prove she said whatever whenever to justify your actions at this point. Her behavior at the present moment is justification enough if you need it... but YOU DON'T

YOU... are your daughters primary caregiver and it's up to you to decide what's best for her PERIOD, stop feeling the need to excuse or justify your decisions, you are not being a jerk and you are not being malicous, you are truly doing what you feel is necessary to protect your daughter, tell yourself this, believe it and stop beating yourself up about it.

 

Please REREAD

Also, if I were you, I'd stop focusing so much on what she says and does. You need to let it go in one ear and out the other. You'll end up drained and tired and frustrated trying to figure her out. She's obviously messed up right now but that's HER problem not yours.

 

Focus on your daughther and having a life for yourself. Let her go. Don't let her draw you in to her drama and all her crap.

 

Actions DO speak louder than words where her daughter is concerned. It's obvious she doesn't give a rap.

 

I would document every visit and any times that she brings her back early. Get a calendar and start keeping track.

 

And yes, I'd go for custody. Visitation can be worked out and she SHOULD pay you child support.

 

100% correct!! Take action, Document and focus on your life, don't involve yourself any further with the BS your wife is dragging you into, make a schedule, set up a routine, and be done with it. if you need to schedule a seperate visitation that is JUST for the grandparents benefit whether or not your wife is there than do that to

 

Stop worrying about being fair to your wife, she's not being fair to you or your daughter.

 

Oh and GET A LAWYER NOW!

 

Please do whatever lawyer gave you that advice before either got a sugar coated version of what's going on from you, or is a crappy lawyer I'm also in CT and I have some contacts in this circle if you need I could find a few referrals in your area of CT for good DIVORCE/CHILD attorneys.

 

You should definitely divorce and file for custody, I'd hate to see your predicament worsen if she decides to take the baby one day.

 

Until you have a custody agreement in place you have no idea the world of hurt your wife could cause you or your daughter, she could up and take off with her at anytime and your means of action to do something about it would be limited... just another reason to call an attorney now!

[robkris8079]

Just to clear a few things up. She does pay me. I do not give her a dime. She pays me $205 a week. She complains every second she gets and tries to pay me less but she still pays. I asked her to tell me the number in her head she was thinking and maybe we can come to an agreement. She told me $100! The $205 she originally agreed on was her paying the daycare and babies insurance. I had asked for a tiny more because I am paying the home equity loan that she wanted which paid off the truck she is driving. I have since x'd the extra money for the truck as per my lawyers advice. So now she has to pay me $188 a week. Which will go down after the babies insurance goes down. The cost for that is being lowered because her income is no longer in the household. When she told me $100 a week I told her at that point if you really want to help your child just to relinqiush her rights to the child so that I may get some state assistance. Because $100 a week just won't cut it.

 

As far as her wanting to come back I have no clue. I would say no but then she says "I know 50 years from now I will probably regret doing this". Or she calls me to tell me she is picking up the baby on her days? I know her days. She doesn't need to tell me. So I don't know about the wanting to come back. I think she wants to keep me hanging for the chance that she might want me back one day. She wants her cake and eat it too it seems. But I just don't know.

 

These are the consequences of YOUR CHOICES, I'm sorry you don't like them but that's your problem."

 

I said these exact words to her. She tells me she didn't leave the baby and she didn't ask for not seeing the baby every day. I told her that she left and baby lives with me now. Your not going to see her everyday.

 

As far as divorce goes I am totally strapped for cash. Everyone want's $3500 retainer fee. There is supposedly some temp custody paper I can file. Maybe I should do that.

[Roo]

Ok I think that these links are ok

 

here's the CT state Department of Social Services link:

http://www.ct.gov/dss/cwp/view.asp?a=2353&Q=305184

 

Ct Fatherhood initiative

http://www.fatherhoodinitiative.state.ct.us/GoalsandObjectives.htm

 

This is alink to a pdf file that should help you figure out what the state would grant you in child suppport:

http://www.jud.state.ct.us/external/news/ChildSupport.htm

[Roo]

I said these exact words to her. She tells me she didn't leave the baby and she didn't ask for not seeing the baby every day. I told her that she left and baby lives with me now. Your not going to see her everyday.

 

As far as divorce goes I am totally strapped for cash. Everyone want's $3500 retainer fee. There is supposedly some temp custody paper I can file. Maybe I should do that.

 

Well then stop wasting your time explaining it to her, seriously what are you hoping to accomplish again obviously she's a spoiled child still herself, she thinks she can have her cake and eat it too I guess you'll just be sitting around waiting for her to grow up and that may never happen so find a way to let it stop bothering you.

 

as far as the divorce etc, Call the department of social services and look at some of hte agency's listed on the Fatherhood coalition pages, as for taking care of a custody and support order I'm sure there is some assistance available to you...

[a4a]

Rob call a fathers rights org........ they can help you!

Perhaps even handle things on a sliding scale for the legal work.

 

Stop looking at the obstacles and look for solutions.

 

Google fathers rights organizations.

[Roo]

A4A is right... just like you are avoidign making that therapy apointment...

 

Stop finding reasons not to and just start moving forward if you really want to move on, you will find the help you need in the strangest places..

 

ohh and BTW...

 

did you Make that appointment you asked to be drageed kicking and screaming... sooo ??

[Buttaflyy]

My reason is that is why she is throwing out the BS that she wants to see the child and other crap.

 

So when a person comes to her and says the underlined she will not admit that she cannot be bothered or have the real desire to be in the childs life.

 

She lies because she feels like she has to to save face publically. In her heart she does not want to be around this child or she would make it happen.

 

and I am bringing myself into the picture to show the OP that you cannot force a woman or man to want, love a child, or want it to be in your life. For some people it is just not there. That feeling of wanting a child or caring for them is not a strong desire for some and he is wasting his time if he expects her to feel this.

 

And I am sure people like Susan Smith who killed her kids so her bf would like her more lacked this feeling of wanting her kids too. (not saying the OPs wife would kill the child, nor saying I would......but just because a person gives birth does not make them want the child or share its life) I am sure Susan wanted her kids too at the start, she probably was a good mom in the eyes of many at the start...... but never really had that maternal instict. She was playing a role........hell she could have given them up for adoption.... but that would have made her look like a bad mom.

 

That is my point.

 

Point taken A4A. I see your point very clearly now. Unfortuantely, some people can not admit that they are not, nor want to be good parents and this always in one way or other hurts the child. Yes, I know plenty of mothers who lack that initial maternal instinct, and they actually deny it and claim to be good mothers and to everyone's eyes they are not. They'll never admit that they don't want their children.

 

OP, solution time...you've have plenty of great advice to protect yourself and your child. Your main objective now should be to legally seek custody of the baby. You can not accept any deals with your wife verbally.