Ruby Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Ok I need some imput into this please Before I start I need to say that I have left a verbally abusive relationship 2 years ago and have only just got my self esteem back! Anyway, I met this guy called Jim 2 months ago and as he is local most people I know, know him and say how nice he is. I am VERY wary of getting into another abusive relationship so I am going to be completely honest here with all of his good and bad points and would really appreciate it if you could look at this as a WHOLE and not just pick up on one or two bad things and condemn him. I need real advice here on a level headed basis. Ok so here goes. He told me after 3 days that he loved me! I told him that loving someone is knowing them and he didnt know me and that its lust, not love. He agreed but said he really feels like he loves me. He treats me like a queen. Anyone in our company says to me "he really like you doesnt he" He wakes up in the morniing and tells me how beautiful I am and he has given me such self confidence that for the first time in my life I can be naked in front of a man (my ex made me feel like **** about myself) He in affectionate in front of people, i;e touching and kissing and telling everyone how wonderful I am,"- This can make me feel uncomfortable at times and I have told him this. I told him that its ok in front of certain people but others (like my family) I feel embarressed about it and he said "Oh so its ok when its ok with you?" Is that ME being controlling or is it HIM trying to control me? He buys me gifts and flowers and tells me I can have whatever I want. One night I did not want to see him and I told him but he found a way to be at my house (to pick up something he left here) and lo and behold he ended up staying the night. I am feeling he is slightly controlling me but I dont know if its HIM or if I am just so scared that I am just imaging this Last night it was his birthday and I took him for a meal with friends. AFter the meal he decided he wanted to go to this other bar (which I didnt want to go to due to feeling tired and hungover from the night before) and when I expressed this and told him he could go with his friends he got moody and refused to talk to me. He got out of the car before I had even parked it and then proceeded to call his friends and tell them "Its my birthday and I am having an early night" When I asked him what was wrong he said "nothing" So I said "well you are ignoring me and making me feel uncomfortable in my own home" He said nothing was wrong he was just upset that he couldnt get any cannibis (he has smoked it for years) and started nit picking at a joke I had made - In the end I said for him to go and he did. He was really pushing my buttons. I want to be in a relationship that makes me feel good. He makes me feel good most of the time but I do feel he is taking my life over a bit. He doesnt tell me what I can or cant do. He will do anything for me without a fuss, my ex did nothing for himself and expected me to do it all! He is kind and sweet but I am seeing red flags and i dont know if its me being overly defensive or him being slyly controlling. Anyone been is this situation? Help!
Walk Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 You've been dating for 2 months, correct? And you haven't known him much longer than that time frame, is that right? Do you live with him? (you mentioned something about feeling uncomfortable in your home while talking to him.) How does he talk about ex-gf's? How long were his previous relationships? What kind of environment did he grow up in? When you two have these "disagreements" how would you describe the conversations? Do you feel there's communication? Or that you're talking, and he's not.. or he's talking but not letting you? Are you able to talk about problems, or are they brought up again in an attempt to resolve them?
Author Ruby Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 You've been dating for 2 months, correct? And you haven't known him much longer than that time frame, is that right? Dating for 2 months but I knew him when I was 15 and know ALOT of people who know him and they all say nice things about him. Do you live with him? (you mentioned something about feeling uncomfortable in your home while talking to him.) No we do not live together, he was at my house when we had the argurment and he started to sulk (which i hate, I am a talker not a sulker. How does he talk about ex-gf's? How long were his previous relationships? What kind of environment did he grow up in? He has had 2 long term relationships, one 7 years, one 9 years and he is friends with the first girl as they have 2 kids but the relationship with that last one is bad, she rings him screaming abuse one minute and begging him back the next. He has told me he does not love her and he has also admitted to me that he has used vile languuage to her when she has screamed abuse at him, they have a 4 year old son When you two have these "disagreements" how would you describe the conversations? Do you feel there's communication? Or that you're talking, and he's not.. or he's talking but not letting you? Are you able to talk about problems, or are they brought up again in an attempt to resolve them? I feel like I am talking and he is nodding to be honest, I say what I want and he listens Thank you for replying Walk
Walk Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Well... from what you've described, I don't think I would necessarily believe he's abusive in the more strict sense. The "I love you" so early in the relationship would be a huge red flag to me. And the pouting and sulking would be an incredible turn off for me. Knowing what I know now.. if I were confronted with someone like that early on, then I would end the relationship. I need someone who is willing to work with me to find solutions, not pout, sulk, and have mood swings in order to get his way. Being unhappy that your SO doesn't want to stay out late is okay, as long as you aren't attempting to make them feel guilty or manipulate them into doing something they aren't comfortable doing. Which is where communication comes in. If he isn't able to communicate to you how he feels, potentially offering a comprimise, or even just willing to accept that your needs should come before his desires... it's just going to get worse the deeper into the relationship you get. To me, it sounds like a big problem is communication. I'm indecisive on whether i would say he's potentially abusive or not. The ex calling him abusive would scare me. The only guys I've dated who have had an ex call them abusive, did have abusive traits that I found offensive. But that's just my experience. I'm not going to suggest you leave or stay... I do believe that if you are questioning it at this point, then listen to that voice. Just because you may be hyper aware of the potential because of your past, doesn't mean you are wrong in how you feel. Maybe what you need at this point is someone who is a strong communicator. A person who is able to be more supportive of your needs, and can have a more consistent, dependable mood. Doesn't mean your bf is a "bad" person.. only that he might not be the right person for you. If you feel there are signs of bigger problems up ahead, then take those feelings as fact, and act on them. If you strongly believe the two of you can work through the problems, then do that.. but if the communication and desire on both your parts isn't there, or isn't strong enough... then realize that it won't work and take steps to make the break. But BOTH of you have to be capable of working through the problems, desire alone won't get you there. If he can't communicate effectively, or can't change his normal reactions to help you feel more comfortable, then in essence both of you would be fooling yourself that it would somehow get better. I'm not sure that really helped you.. wish I had a more clear cut, simple, answer to give you. I do think you have cause to be concerned. I would have the same questions and concerns as you do. Have faith in your feelings. In my opinion you seem to be seeing things pretty clearly.
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