Someone from China Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I am married but fell in love with a lady recently. I finally decided to end the relationship because I felt so much remorse for betraying my wife although I still have stronger feeling towards that lady than my wife. I made a confession to my wife that I had an affair and she forgave me. However, I still cannot be devoted to my marriage completely. Any advice?
Author Someone from China Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 She knows I am married. My wife and she even met because we didn't intend to develop any relationship at that time. Does it make any difference whether she knows I am married or not?
alphamale Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Any advice? No...mainly due to insufficient data.
Author Someone from China Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 In fact, I've stopped contacting with her for almost 2 months now but still miss her a lot. The relationship between she and I lasted for about 4 months. I guess why we fell for each other is we're always on the same wavelength. That's something that I've never experienced with any of my women before including my wife. However, I can truly feel how much my wife loves me and is willing to sacrifice for me. Therefore, I really treasure my marriage but I'm still finding a way to get on with it.
lonelybird Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Does it make any difference whether she knows I am married or not? Yes, it does. If the lady didn't know, then you cheated the lady too. then it would be "how can I nicely tell her the truth thread" first. then consider how to save your marriage. You didn't think about the lady's feeling before?
Ruff Ryder Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 The topic here is not crap me out cause I screwed up its how do I make it right.... Lets start at the beginning YES mate you screwed up. Just the fact that your wife forgave you is amazing. You still love your wife? I think the problem here is your looking at this all wrong, you've been given a second chance with what would seem an amazing understanding and forgiving woman. Get the other girl out of your head just dont think about her. Look at your wife the same way you did when you met her. Do all the little things you did before and forgive yourself for what was done. Stick to what you know and what I can tell you right now is I KNOW your wife loves you. Think about it like this million's of people all around the world all they want is someone to love them. Your here posting that you cant forget about a fling that you had. Also think about this for a second if the girl you had the fling with knew you were married met your wife and still had a thing for you and a fling then what does that tell you about her? Sorry Im getting of the topic here. You need to get back into your relationship with your wife your "family" even if you dont have kids "she" is your family and you have an obligation to love her and make her world a better place. You said that the day you got married. You need to get over your fling and get your head back in the game. If you loved her and she DOES love you then get that back. Do what ever it take and dont let go of it. Not many people get second chances and those that do blow it most of the time. Be the next thing the past thing and the thing that will be in her future. Let go of the other woman and concentrate on your marrige MAN it should be your number 1 focuse, dont give up on it you have what most people only dream about so dont screw it up the second time arround. I dont mean to be crapping you out here just want you to see the reality of life. Give it your all, if that doenst work go find your fling but not before you have given your wife a go to the best you can and make sure that you can live with any decision you have made. Take it easy mate and good luck.
Author Someone from China Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Thanks for your valuable advice and support. Ruff Ryder. Perhaps, I'm still suffering from withdrawal symptoms. I know it's a stupid question but how and when will I tell if the relationship between my wife and I won't work out? BTW, do you mind sharing your story?
Ruff Ryder Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Well like all things in life it can only be over when you stop trying. What I mean by that is its only really over when in your heart and mind that its over. When the pain leaves you and the memories dont me. My story, I met my girl meant to be my one. I was ment to be married 3-4 months ago. Things went bad fast and i stoped trying and lost what I valued more than anything in life. Now I sit alone. Dont make my misake my friend. Make things right it will be hard and take time but save your marrige and never stop trying. I wouldnt be here right now if I had carried on trying. I cant say what tomorrow will bring you or me but I know I wont stop trying. I hope that helps my friend. You ever need advise or help just let us/me know. We got your back..... Good luck
Ruff Ryder Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Well like all things in life it can only be over when you stop trying. What I mean by that is its only really over when in your heart and mind that its over. When the pain leaves you and the memories dont mean a thing anymore thants when it is really over. When hope is replace by grief and there is no way to go but back thats when it is over. My story, I met my girl meant to be my one. I was meant to be married 3-4 months ago. Things went bad fast and i stoped trying and lost what I valued more than anything in life. Now I sit alone. Dont make my mistake my friend. Make things right it will be hard and take time but save your marrige and never stop trying. I wouldnt be here right now if I had carried on trying. I cant say what tomorrow will bring you or me but I know I wont stop trying. I hope that helps my friend. You ever need advise or help just let us/me know. We got your back..... Good luck
InaPanic Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 SfC, I feel for you because i am beginning to go through what you are. I just told my H of my affair 3 days ago. He is handling this better than I expected though i know we are so far from out of the woods it's not funny. He is going to go through a lot of emotions in the next few days. I also have the problem of not completely having the OM out of my head. He weasled his way in there good. And I know it's going to take time. But I worry that I will not get back the feelings I had for my H before this A, I worry that my feelings before the A were what i thought they were. Was it just comfort? Was it just friendship? I think because of the guilt, the emotional attatchement to the other person & the hatred of ourselves it is going to take us some time to figure things out. I am right there with you at the moment. It is hard to be reassuring to my H about everything when I still have my doubts that I am not expressing to him. It's all so confusing.
Author Someone from China Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 InaPanic, Not trying to freak you out but you're probably going to go thru' a very tough time, perhaps, worse than mine. It seems that it's harder for a man to forgive his W for having an affair than the other way round. I hope that it doesn't apply the same in where you are. Throughout the last 2 months, my W still feels extremely insecure and suspicious as a result she gets depressed and anxious all the time even though she kind of forgave me. We always end up with fights. Before the A, divorce was never an option or the D word wasn't even mentioned at all no matter how big the fight was but it seems that our marriage is now going right down the toilet. It is just so fragile and looks like it's going to break at anytime. I tried to tell my W why I had an A. Is there anything lacking in in our relationship? The outcome is we end up with a fight again because my W just thinks I'm making a comparison of she and the OW. Also, she feels that I'm just shirking all the problems to her. I am now on the horns of a dilemma. i.e. I want to save my marriage due to the guilt. However, the feelings between my W and I are just not the same as before. I am advised I'd put extra efforts to build them back up but it's easier said than done.
Ariadne Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Hi, I've been reading this thread and I can see what a tough situation you are in. And I know what you mean about being in the same wavelength with that other lady, it is a strong feeling. I'd say that it is expected that after only two months of the affair your wife is feeling insecure, depressed, and that things "are just not the same as before." It is too recent. For things to be the way they were there it will take much longer than that. Just keep that into the perspective. Besides, you still have feelings for that other lady getting in the way. But think about this, you have a "good" wife. And that is worth gold. Personally, I think love is more important for a woman than a man. What I mean by this, is that the love of a woman is what holds the couple together more stongly. Men are better off being loved by a woman, and that is what you have at home. Men that are loved are happy men. It is not a very strong relationship the one where the woman doesn't love the man very much, but he is crazy about her. Those relationships are doomed. So you are lucky in that sense. Also, it may be that the other lady doesn't feel so strongly about you as you do about her. If that were the case, you'd be throwing all you have for nothing. Perhaps this that happened is going to make your marriage even stronger in the long run, because you were able to overcome something so difficult together. Good luck whatever you decide, Ariadne
Author Someone from China Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 In that case, what's the most optimal solution to cope with such situations? 1, My W says her feeling for me is so different from before and finds it difficult to communicate with me. She even says she's frightened to talk with me. 2,She wants me to change my personality and attitude. She used to be able to put up with my temper but she now gets irritated very easily over what I say to her even if I don't really mean it. 3, She keeps saying I always interpret the reason I had the affair as her fault, but I swear I never mean it that way.
Ariadne Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Hi, 1, My W says her feeling for me is so different from before and finds it difficult to communicate with me. She even says she's frightened to talk with me. Yes, it's too recent. 2,She wants me to change my personality and attitude. She used to be able to put up with my temper but she now gets irritated very easily over what I say to her even if I don't really mean it. Well, she's mad. 3, She keeps saying I always interpret the reason I had the affair as her fault, but I swear I never mean it that way. It's nobody's fault. It just happened. Ariadne
Ruff Ryder Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 I think that you have the answer your looking for. The only thing that I have to add is dont do it just to make your wife happy you have to be happy to. I think thats where I went wrong I tried to hard to make my ex happy putting me behind and her infront. Dont do that if your going no where get out. But if things can be the way they where then give yourself that chance and your wife that chance. If you leave do it with respect and dignity and love. You may not be in love with her but you will always love her. Think long and hard here this is no easy decision. Take note of what you think and feel over the next few days and make a decision for whats best for both of you. Let me know whats up ok?
Author Someone from China Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 RR, I'm very glad to hear from you. Thats exactly how I feel for my wife at the moment, I love her but ain't in love with her. Some friends of mine asked me if I still truly love my wife. Some say I'd learn how to treasure before I deeply regret. Honestly, I really have the thought to just give my marriage up because the feelings seem to have gone. However, I am worried that I'll just start regretting once I've really lost her. I wouldn't be able to feel that yet since she's still with me. I am very confused!
Ruff Ryder Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 I understand exactly where you are and the confusion that your feeling. At the end of the day it comes down to one thing what makes you happy. You may regret it if you leave (and Im not telling you to do that) but remember that time will heal that wound. What you really need to do is take a holiday and think clearly. Get away from the confusion and that will help you to see what needs to be done. Your wife does love you and Im sure you love her and you may very well fall in love with her again but dont wast a life time trying to find that again. Your 2 steps away but dont wake up in 5 years and still be 2 steps away. What ever is going on no one understands better than you and you know whats best its just cloudy at the moment. You get there and do what is best for you and your wife. Just stay calm and focused. Let me know whats up ok?
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