once removed Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 So lets say you're with MM or MW leaves their spouse for you. Do you think he could ever be true to you? Do you think there could ever be trust?
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 How could there ever be 100% trust seeing as how the relationship started? Maybe for a little while, while the honeymoon phase is there thing could be alright, but fast forward 10 years when life gets busy, daily stresses, you're dealing with ALL aspects of the relationship, not just stolen moments, sex and fun filled days...Real life and bad stuff... Personally, I don't know how the trust could be 100%. But, that's just me.
lover's rock Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Someone told me that it takes two to end a marriage. Whatever problems that were there when you walked away from the first marriage usually show up in the second because they are unresolved. You end up repeating your mistakes because you haven't learned from them. (That's what someone who's been married 4 times told me.)
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Yes and when you have two people who have cheated on their spouses, that doubles the trust BOTH ways, not just an OW dealing with a MM who then later becomes the wife. How could trust NOT be an issue?
lovernotafighter Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 my MM and I had this conversation once..for one thing when we leave we are not leaving for each other we are leaving for our selves. trust in our relationship we believe is not going to be the issue some may feel it could be because we have met middle age and in a different place in our lives. we are not young adults who didn't know what they wanted from a relationship or the young adult who grew up separately from their spouse in the marriages we are in currently. we are mature and know what it is we want now. we don't know that we will even be together in the future but we are certain we have gleaned knowledge of what the future could be even with out each other. I told him we are forming our own set of problems from a A ,and he agrees, but for me it isn't a trust issue it's a forgiveness issue..he never said what he thinks our issue will be besides the fact he worries I won't have any more energy for him after all is said and done. he knows I am at my ends with the relationship and the drama in my own life..if he leaves and joins me I will have take all that on and his STBexW and his son and all the financial problems that go with it, not to mention being his emotional rock...he has good reason to worry believe me.
stillhere Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Call me crazy (and i'm sure someone will) but i know that if we were to end up together, i could trust him. No doubts in my mind. I give him everything that he has ever wanted or needed. He is staying in his M for his children. MM and his W have a good "roommate" relationship so the children are not suffering with a dysfunctional family, at least that no one knows about. As far as me, i would not stray from him. I love him and no one else and i could never want anyone else. He is what i have been looking for my entire life. Beat me down and flame me, but no one knows us or what we have. Only we do, and that is all that matters.
TheSilentType Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 once the fantasy fades and the stresses of everday life pile up, more than not these relationships will dissolve. if you marry a cheater, then atleast realize they live for the thrill of immoral love. hopefully you still be able to sleep well at night.
lovernotafighter Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 once the fantasy fades and the stresses of everday life pile up, more than not these relationships will dissolve. if you marry a cheater, then atleast realize they live for the thrill of immoral love. hopefully you still be able to sleep well at night. I'm not exactly sure where the thrill of immoral loves stems from...we didn't look to cheat and we are not a couple of bible thumpers either. we are human who want and need love and affection just like everyone else. our marriages lead us to this and made us realise so much. I am sorry to our spouses yes, but I am not gonna regret that I ever loved anyone..if that makes me a pagan so be it. ps- you have the cutest avatars ever..wow
TheSilentType Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 i think we both agree that you are deserving of lots of love. you shouldn't have to tolerate a loveless marriage if you truly put the effort into work it out and things didn't change. but no one has the right to pursue their love at the expense of someone else's love and trust (and please don't give me that argument that we cannot choose who we fall in love with. it is such a ridiculous excuse) all i am advising this person is to really understand the type of person they are marrying when they marry a cheater (especially someone who has been carrying an affair on for years). if the OP can have peace of mind marrying someone who looked their betrayed spouse in the eye day after day and gave a bold face lie or continued the charade of being a faithful spouse, then go for it. But remember OP, you have just got yourself involved with someone who has become a habitual (if not pathological) liar and has been able to rationalize away any guilt or inhibition to lying to the extent that they can still pursue their illicit relationship. just don't be surprised when they start playing games with you...that's all. otherwise, enjoy the company of your new love and good luck. hope it works out for both of you. p.s. yes i love these sleeping puppies..so innocent and at peace..i have some pictures of fighter jets that i wanted to put, but i thought puppies are more fun for people to look at. i am a serious animal lover if you haven't figured
Meaplus3 Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 So lets say you're with MM or MW leaves their spouse for you. Do you think he could ever be true to you? Do you think there could ever be trust? Trust? I don't think so. I would be worried about MM's actions all the time, knowing how much he has withheld from his spouse. I think the same would be true for him. I don't see how an A can be the foundation for a lasting future relationship. Just my thought's. AP:)
Author once removed Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 I agree trust can never be true in that case, granted I found out the hard way. But I have to say here and now I am making my promise to myself I will never be the OW again or stepping out on my commitments again. I am only as good as my word. That is what I teach my kids. It’s about time I lived up to the high expectations I set for others. I am worth a man I can trust and one that can trust me. Heck for that matter I don’t need to be in any relationship to complete me though lol have to admit the benefits can be nice /weg.
UnknowingOW Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 Come on... Do you honestly think that "once a cheater always a cheater" CRAP? If that is the case, every BS would be living with a cheater who they will never be able to trust their WS EVER. Yes, true and truthful can happen if the WS stays with the BS or moves on to the OP...it's all about forgivness. If you can forgive you can move forward. Now that doens't mean you forget and/or live blindly ever again.
THX2000 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 I always have to chuckle when I hear someone try and defend a cheater and say that because they cheated once doesn't mean they will do it again. People's behaviour is governed by their values and judgement. Cheaters are for the most part dishonest people (how else could you lie to the person that is supposed to be your spouse?) and I don't see how anyone could say "well he/she has changed" and will never do it again. If you have it in you to do something that devious and obviously morally objectionable then I doubt you will just completely change your character and never do anything like that again.
Author once removed Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 Yep Yep and again I say Yep Shineshop
stargazer12 Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Over twenty years ago, my wife cheated on me for a period of over three years. Her deception was so complete, that I was blinded from my perspective, tainted by my past encounters. I suppose I was fairly of complacent. My wife has passed away two years ago, but we did continue in the relationship. We remained together and she became a truly great mother and caring wife who loved me, I knew that she regretted her actions. She’d always tell me that how much she loved me. Therein rests my question , If she wanted to be with another man, why did she just not tell me. Was not I deserving of real love. Not very fair that for three years, I was in a relationship that was an illusion. Though my needs were met, including sex, in realty it was a myth. If her didn’t desire me, than why not tell me and set me free. I could have been with a person who would respect me and value my heart. I will say that I regained my love, there will always be part of my heart that will not be hers.
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