QWERTY Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Okay, here's the deal... I'm in a relationship with a woman who was married for 12 years, and who separated from her husband 7 months ago. She has two kids. I think this woman and I have the potential of having a great relationship together. However, in the last week, I've found out that her marriage ended because she was seeing another man (who was married), that the man basically used her for sex, and that she did a lot of freaky stuff with him. I also get the impression that she left him for me, because I'm single and basically a good guy. In addition, she initially lied to me about this other man (suggesting that it was only a short-term thing, and that her relationship with him happened well after her marriage ended), and it's only been through a lot of questioning her that I've found out her marriage ended because of him and the nature of their relationship. I've come to terms with the reason for her marriage ending -- her husband was abusive, and this other man was a way to escape. But I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that she was so freaky with this other guy, and that she did so much with him sexually. Every time I talk dirty to her, or suggest we make love in a creative way, I found myself wondering if this other guy already did that with her. And she initially lied to me about some of the stuff she did sexually with this guy -- she was ashamed that she did it, and didn't want to scare me away -- and that's eating away at me too. I've read a little bit about "retroactive jealousy", but the advice isn't giving me the comfort I need. Again, I think this woman and I have the potential for a great relationship together, but sexually I'm really having trouble getting past this guy she was seeing before me. Every time I think of something creative for us to do, I wonder if she did with him and if she'll think of him while she's with me. I know that she's ashamed of how she was with him and that's why she hid it, but I have hard time being sexual with her because every time I keep wondering if what I'm doing reminds her of the guy she saw before me. Little help?
norajane Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 If you care about her, treasure that she's willing to be sexually adventurous and feel good that she's not too shy or intimidated or repressed to try the things you'd like to try. What if she had done those things with her husband? Would it be bothering you as much?
Author QWERTY Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 I am happy that she's willing to be sexually adventurous, but I've had this feeling of anxiety for four days now because of what she's told me... I don't think it would bother me as much if she was more comfortable with the things she had done with him. I knew there was something she wasn't telling me, which is why I questioned her -- if she was comfortable with it, I never would have asked because I know I'd be better off not knowing. But yes, it probably would still bother me if it had been her husband, in part because she was so unhappy with him. And I guess it also bothers me because I want us to be special and unique, and it's hard to be special and unique sexually when she's recently been so adventurous. Why would someone do stuff sexually with someone they didn't really like, and that they would later be ashamed of? Why couldn't she have more control?
blind_otter Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 With regard to retroactive jealousy there's no easy way to soothe this anxiety. You just have to do the work. Accept that people have pasts. Accept that sometimes it will not line up to your standards. Accept that sometimes, when they feel badly about themselves, people will do things that hurt themselves. Sometimes horrible things, like suicide. When you are in a bad situation, and you are desparate, you will do bad things. Not everyone can respond with dignity. That's just the way life is. And this is one of the reasons why it is never a good idea to share details about your sexual past with a current lover. But there's no easy way out of this bad feeling you are having. The only resolution, from my POV, is to work on expanding compassion and accepting that people make bad choices, sometimes. If you can't get beyond this, though, then it's your responsibility to step away from the situation.
norajane Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Easy? I didn't say it would be easy! All relationships require some work, sweets, and focusing on the positive side is the work you need to do in order to be with her. All people do things they're ashamed of at one time or another. For example, one day, you might be ashamed that you ever thought to condemn her for her past...
Grrr Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I have been your girlfriend in this situation. I remember when i got with this guy i really really liked i also worried that he was worrying about the stuff i had already done before.... Only i have never been married, i didnt cheat.... If she feels ashamed of it, then there is no doubt that she is not even close to comparing or even thinking about what things were like with him ni bed, while being there with you, Besides, with different partners its totally different no matter what way you do it. Whenever you do the same position, it doesnt automatically make her go "oh we did this already", if that was the case, everyone would worry about previous sexual partners and the missionary position which is probably most used. I know your saying about the creative thingas you tery and do, and maybe they arent so creative because shes done them already with this guy... but she may not have. Do not ask her, all this will do is make her uneasy and put her off... Unless you believe she will be understanding, you'll both just end up initiating sex, then worrying about the other one worrying and it just wont be enjoyable anymore. I say just try and forget, i know its reallt difficult, but shes confided in you about this, may have been eventual but she still did, and shes ashamed, she is now with you.. you know this.. the sex with the other guy, she is ashamed of and if she was not then she would of blurted it to you. Just try and understand that she is not thinking about it, she does not want to think about it, she wants to enjoy it with you.
Cecelius Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I know this whole retroactive jealousy thing is getting a lot of popularity around here, and perhaps it has value -- but before you go loading all this onto yourself and assume it is your own insecurity, always, don't you have to assume that you're basically not allowing yourself to have any values on the subject? Get beyond any jealousy (which may be too tough given the tight time frame) and still look at it for what it is -- if it's too "freaky" then what you are experiencing is just reduced respect for her and reduced attraction -- perhaps you would want to get over it, perhaps not, but do not assume that just because something is a turn off to you it is thus an insecurity.
Author QWERTY Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 Thanks everyone for the good advice. It was really helpful. I was feeling better after reading it, but I didn't want to start thinking about it again so I've avoided coming back to post my thanks. I still have a bit of jealousy (but only a little, and I think it will fade in time), and as Cecilius suggested, I have lost some (not all, but some) respect for her. I've since found out that I've been more adventurous in my past then she has, but it's just that she's ashamed of what she did with him because the man didn't respect her at all. In other words, she knew she was being used for sex, but didn't put a stop to it because she was feeling so needy. And that's what has made me lose some respect for her -- if she really felt ashamed, why did she let it continue for five months? I've dated a lot of victims in the past, and I really thought she was someone with enough self-esteem to insist on being treated with respect. I completely understand why a person could find themselves in the situation of being used for sex because they need validation (especially right after leaving an abusive relationship), but I'm just disappointed that she's not the self-respecting person that she was pretending to be when I first met her. But all that being said, I do still have some respect for her as a person and I care very much for her. She's now working to make changes in her life to become a stronger person - the person she was pretending to be when I first met her. And I feel like I care enough about her to stick with her and see if she can do so.
lindya Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I really thought she was someone with enough self-esteem to insist on being treated with respect. I completely understand why a person could find themselves in the situation of being used for sex because they need validation (especially right after leaving an abusive relationship), but I'm just disappointed that she's not the self-respecting person that she was pretending Is it possible that she's reflected carefully on that time in her life, and learned some hard lessons about herself from it? The self-respecting demeanour you saw when you first met her might not be an act....eg if she confronted the fact that at a particular stage in her life, she permitted herself to be used (if that's what it was) and faced up to why it happened. I think when people go through that and gain wisdom as a result, they're entitled to start letting go of any attached guilt or shameful feelings. More than that - they should, for the sake of their psychological health, let go of it. But all that being said, I do still have some respect for her as a person and I care very much for her. She's now working to make changes in her life to become a stronger person - the person she was pretending to be when I first met her. And I feel like I care enough about her to stick with her and see if she can do so. I can understand why you feel that she pretended to be something she wasn't, but maybe it's not as clear cut as that. I guess that in disclosing these details of something in her past that caused her a certain amount of shame, she made herself vulnerable. That can often set people back. Make them relive a past they thought they had left behind. It could explain why initially she seemed like a strong, self-respecting person, but suddenly seemed to do something of an about face. I hope this works out okay for both of you.
JamesM Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I am surprised no one thought of mentioning this to you. Let me quote you... I'm in a relationship with a woman who was married for 12 years, and who separated from her husband 7 months ago. She has two kids. I think this woman and I have the potential of having a great relationship together. Right there warning flags popped up. She has been separated for seven months and you are her second boyfriend? She isn't divorced, and her husband was abusive? She has two children with him? By far, the majority of people date a rebound partner after divorce. It is hard to say if she already has had this partner, but you may want to slow things down. It is usually very wise not to date someone who is not divorced. First, it is technically an affair. Second, she can easily go back to her husband. And third, she is still feeling that freedom from an abusive relationship. She cheated on her husband. Let me repeat...she CHEATED on her husband. And how do you know he was abusive? Do you have supporting witnesses of her story? I am not saying that you should not trust her, but she has been lying to you about many other things. When someone lies, everything must be proven until trust is regained. You found out that she cheated with one guy...did she ever have any other affairs? Abuse brings baggage to a person. If she did have an abusive relationship and has not had any sort of counselling to deal with it, she will interpret what you do in light of her past experiences. I do not know if you have been married, but 12 years for her is a long time. Lots of things happen. And if she "cheated" with this other guy while still with her husband, then she would do that again if she felt that the going got tough. Children. These children need a stable family. Are you prepared to provide this? It sounds like up until now...if her story is true...they have not had one. What makes you think you have a potential for a great relationship? How long have the two of you been dating? What are you building the foundation for trust and commitment upon?
Recommended Posts