Need help - something we can't see

[scaredandconfusled]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. it has evolved into a wonderful, rich relationship. However, there is one problem we keep running into - there are things about me that result in him feeling as if there is something missing. we talk about them (he tries to tell me what is wrong, and I try to come up with solutions) - he is a Gamer, and while I like to play a game occasionally, it is not something I do with every spare moment like he does. The problem with this is that he feels that, while we spend alot of time together, we do not spend alot of time doing things with each other.

 

Is there a better way to solve something like this? We keep trying the discuss and create and follow a plan to fix it method, but it is starting to get to the point where he dosen't tell me immediately because he is afraid I will react badly. My approach is to tolerate and enjoy his quirks and differences - his is to try and change the differences he dosen't like.

 

An added element is that at the same time as our last conversation on this, he had made a new friend at work. She is very much a gamer - they spend their breaks playing card games, talking about games, etc..etc.. The problem with this is that he pointed out all of his problems with me, and then proceeded to tell me about all of the things he likes about her - most of them being the problems he has with me. He did not realise it at the time, but to me it felt like I was being compared to someone I have never even met.

 

Any advice? We both love one another and have been planning to move in together once his current lease expires, but we don't want to do so and them watch this problem get out of hand.

 

Any and all advice very much appreciated.

[Tony T]

Why would you want to move in with someone who had found his match at work and came home and told you about her? I know this is painful but he was trying to give you a message. He has clearly stated to you that there's a female at work with whom he is more compatible and with whom he has more common interests. If gaming is his life, he needs somebody who is just as fanatic about that as he is.

 

Why would you want a guy who wants to change you into what he wants? Why would you want a guy who tells you everything he feels is wrong with you and that he wants you to change?

 

Hey, you're a classy lady who has tolerated his crap. You are adaptable, considerate, thoughtful and kind. You roll with the punches and have not made unreasonable demands on him, particularly demands that he change his life or his habits in ways more acceptable to you. You have basically accepted the rotten jerk just like he is.

 

He doesn't deserve a girl like you.

 

Knock yourself out if you want. I don't see a solution here unless you become more like the girl he wants and become a fake you. I would think it tragic that you would have to change the person you are just to please someone else.

 

When I'm looking for a lady friend, if I don't like the things she likes, I move on. It just doesn't work under those circumstances.

 

For what purpose do you want to stay with him? So what is it you love about him? Does he make you feel whole and special? Does he make you feel like you're the number one woman in the whole wide world? Does he make you feel like you're the one he wants to spend his whole like with?

 

What this guy wants to make you feel is that you'll be all those things if you will just CHANGE into the girl who will be number one in his life.

 

So if you want to turn yourself into a fake, make the changes required and live a life of lies then you may have a wonderful six months with this guy before you get divorced.

 

You'd be better off moving in with a chimp at the zoo. They accept you and love you just as you are.

[scaredandconfused]

We stayed up most of last night talking about this - we are both very scared that we will lose what we have together. He says he can't figure out why he can't just be happy. None of our problems are big things - they are just the 50000 little things that nag at him and that he can't overlook - I sometimes get mad when I have lost a game (I very rarely win - losing wears on me over time), that we don't do enough things together - up until Christmas we were doing good, but since then my parents were visiting from the Ukraine since Jan. 4th (they left yesterday). Also, part of why we don't play many many games together is that 1 I enjoy doing many different things, games are just not that interesting for me, and 2 whenever we go anywhere - whether to his apartment or mine, within seconds of arriving he is at either the computer or the game console playing a game. I have always respected other peoples activities - if they are playing a game or reading a book I don't bother them with the wish for them to "entertain me" - I can find things to do on my own. The incident that brought this whole thing to the front was that we went over to see my parents the last evening in town and all he wanted to do was leave as soon as possible so that we could go over to my place so that he could go online, talk to his new friend, and play card games or Literati on Yahoo. I, thinking that since he could bring up problems he has with me I can do the same, pointed out that he was being an insensitive bastard - that my parents would be gone in less that 24 hours and that all he could think of was doing what he does ever night of the week - play games and ignore me all evening. He seemed to get angry at this and started speeding (he was driving) and admitted that he had been insensitive abut it and that he was sorry. Yet he kept driving faster. Once we got over to my parents hotel, he was interested in the tv show they were watching, but kept asking me to play a game he had been playing with his new friend at work. So I ended up trying to play a game with him that he was barely even paying attention to - he would take his turn, go back to watching tv I would take my turn and have to wait for him to turn his attention back to the game or get his attention by saying his name and brandishing my cards.

 

Note:

 

This is also my first relationship - kind of odd for a 24 year old, but I had never before met anyone who interested me to this extent. He attributes many things to that fact - like how I just enjoy being in the same room with him - listening to him breathe, etc.. However, I am the same way around my family - I just enjoy being in the same location with them.

[midori]

It sounds to me like the important difference between you and your bf is not about Games but about what each of you is seeking in a partner. You're looking for someone that you connect with on an emotional level and you're willing to tolerate his quirks and differences if you feel that there is something deeper there. He's looking for someone with more superficial things in common, an easier activity partner. I don't know that one approach is better than the other. There are probably justifications for each. It's unlikely that we'll meet people who fit the bill on all levels, so we each have to decide where we can compromise.

 

Another thing that occurs to me is that your bf may be building an escape hatch for himself. You might take this as a sign that he's having second thoughts about moving in together, perhaps having second thoughts about the relationship overall -- for whatever reason. For his reasons, nothing to do with you. Seizing on an undeniable difference between the two of you, he can magnify it and turn it into a deal breaker. That way he doesn't have to say, "look I was wrong, I'm not ready for the level of commitment I thought I was. I'm not ready for the kind of love we're heading for." He can just say, "I love you but you're just not right for me." It sounds nice, doesn't it? I happen to think it's a rather cowardly approach, but its message is pretty clear: he's bailing out.

 

The fact that this guy is saying that you need to change if you want to maintain the relationship ought to give you pause. Is he saying, "you need to kick that heroin habit if you want me to stay with you?" No. He's saying "you need to get more enthusiastic about my hobby if you want me to stay with you." He's saying that your luke-warm feeling about Games is making him feel luke-warm about you. Games are more important. That's perfectly fine for him to say that, it's a perfectly valid thing to say. But is that the kind of person you want to have a relationship with? Someone who puts Games & other hobbies before someone who loves him?

 

I'm guessing that this is your cue that he's looking to bail out of the relationship, for reasons entirely to do with him & who he is. You need to be more interested in Games -- ha! How insulting. How ludicrous. How pathetic. Don't make space for him in your closets, in fact I think you ought to just make the break yourself and find someone better. Someone who's not playing *games* with you.

[Tony T]

1. "We stayed up most of last night talking about this - we are both very scared that we will lose what we have together."

 

You ought to be thrilled that you will lose what you DON'T have together.

 

2. "He says he can't figure out why he can't just be happy."

 

I can answer that. He's not a happy person. Additionally, he may not want to come right out and bluntly tell you he'd prefer someone who enjoyed the same things he does. He wants to spare your feelings, maybe, I don't know.

 

3. "None of our problems are big things - they are just the 50000 little things that nag at him and that he can't overlook"

 

Yes, I understand. Once tick on a dog isn't too bad. But when they're all over him he will be miserable and eventually die if you don't get him to a vet or pick off the ticks.

 

3. "I sometimes get mad when I have lost a game (I very rarely win - losing wears on me over time)"

 

Well, you got a loser on your hands and that will wear you down as long as you're around him. Losing a game is no big deal, losing your life to a bad relationship is hell.

 

4. "that we don't do enough things together - up until Christmas we were doing good, but since then my parents were visiting from the Ukraine since Jan. 4th (they left yesterday)."

 

Well, maybe he was under stress when your parents were in town. See if things get better now. But I think you'll find the only way he would have been interested in seeing your parents is if they would have played games with him and watched the TV programs he liked with him.

 

5. "Also, part of why we don't play many many games together is that 1 I enjoy doing many different things, games are just not that interesting for me, and 2 whenever we go anywhere - whether to his apartment or mine, within seconds of arriving he is at either the computer or the game console playing a game."

 

Well, isn't that special. Is that your idea of things going well as you stated above? Games, the most important thing to him in the entire world, and you don't like them!!! Are you listening to yourself??? I don't think things were going so well before your parents arrived. If this guy takes you out only to grab the nearest computer, he is an addict and needs treatment. It's also really very rude and disrespectful to you. Most women with good self esteem wouldn't put up with that for a second. The only person with an excuse for being addicted to computers is Bill Gates...he's made $85 billion dollars with it.

 

6. "I have always respected other peoples activities - if they are playing a game or reading a book I don't bother them with the wish for them to "entertain me" - I can find things to do on my own."

 

That's because you're nice and considerate. Unfortunately you are in a minority. Your boyfriend is a selfish bxstard and he doesn't care about what you want to do and he doesn't care to be attentive. He takes you for granted, he takes advantage of your good nature, and does whatever he well pleases.

 

There has to be a time in your life when you start thinking you ought to get some goodies for yourself.

 

7. "The incident that brought this whole thing to the front was that we went over to see my parents the last evening in town and all he wanted to do was leave as soon as possible so that we could go over to my place so that he could go online, talk to his new friend, and play card games or Literati on Yahoo."

 

Well, again, isn't that special. He's bored with anything that has to do with you. Why don't you go take a cold shower and come back to the computer and read my next sentence. I'll wait.......................................... ................................................................................................... .................................................. OK, I hope you are wide awake now because what I'm going to tell you is going to surprise the hell out of you. Your guy thinks that playing games on the computer, talking with his lady friend, etc. is MORE IMPORTANT that getting to know your parents better and MORE important than being with you. I'm sorry...but that's OK. It's far better you should see this now...or are you seeing it yet. Did the cold shower help???

 

8. "I, thinking that since he could bring up problems he has with me I can do the same, pointed out that he was being an insensitive bastard - that my parents would be gone in less that 24 hours and that all he could think of was doing what he does ever night of the week - play games and ignore me all evening."

 

Wow, so you did sort of see this. For a while there, I thought you had zoned out on me and the world. Reality is often hurtful...but, as they say, reality is for those who can't deal with drugs.

 

9. "He seemed to get angry at this and started speeding (he was driving) and admitted that he had been insensitive abut it and that he was sorry."

 

He got mad, uh? DUH??? He got mad and started speeding (wow, that sounds like a guy who really feels sorry for what he did) and then admitted he was insensitive and said he was sorry. Well, I have to admit my eyes are brown and I am really sorry...but will they ever turn any other color? And I don't even get angry or speed up my car when I admit this.

 

10. "Yet he kept driving faster. Once we got over to my parents hotel, he was interested in the tv show they were watching, but kept asking me to play a game he had been playing with his new friend at work."

 

YIKES...you are dating a total, complete, addicted, insane, child. Go take another cold shower if you need to. Why are you even reading any further. What aren't you starting to forget this guy. He needs a job at Toys-R-Us in the game section and he needs his baby room fixed back up so he can go doo-doo ga-ga in between games. Is he still in diapers? I've never heard of a worse case of arrested development. He's still a child. Do you want to be with a child??? That's illegal is most states.

 

11. "So I ended up trying to play a game with him that he was barely even paying attention to"

 

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So you do the thing with him that he loves the most in the whole wide world AND HE STILL BARELY PAYS ATTENTION TO YOU.

 

Go take another cold shower, Please...and come back. I promise I'll still be here.............................................. .............................................................................................. ..............................................

 

12. "- he would take his turn, go back to watching tv I would take my turn and have to wait for him to turn his attention back to the game or get his attention by saying his name and brandishing my cards."

 

I'm really sorry but at this point I have to say this whole thing is your fault. If you are freely staying around this toddler and expecting him to be a man, you need to see a counsellor. I no longer feel sorry for you except to the extent that you have some serious perceptual and cognitive issues as well as serious selective attention...nothing some good treatment can't help you with though. But this guy is just being himself. I have no idea about you.

 

"NOTE: This is also my first relationship"

 

13. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! This is NOT a relationship. You have never had a relationship.

 

14. "- kind of odd for a 24 year old, but I had never before met anyone who interested me to this extent."

 

So exactly what is interesting about this guy??? You haven't told us yet. Maybe he's good in bed. Yeah, you can use him for that. Maybe he is good looking. Please read some good books on relationships or talk to your girlfriends to find out what relationships are and what you should get out of them.

 

You complain about this guy to the Nth degree and then say you've never me anyone who interested you to this extent??? Do you live in a town of five? Get out of there. If this is the only guy around, move quickly. You are such a sweet lady...I'd go out with you in half a second and give you the attention you deserve. If this is the only guy who has interested you, you might even write a book about this or even make a movie of the week. This is absurd!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

15. "He attributes many things to that fact - like how I just enjoy being in the same room with him - listening to him breathe, etc.. However, I am the same way around my family - I just enjoy being in the same location with them."

 

If your criteria for a "relationship" is being in the same room with somebody, you could go out with anyone of millions of people. Are you listening to yourself. Why do you think so little of yourself???

 

Let me tell you, and please print this out, it might be nice to be in the same room with somebody for a while and have them abuse you to hell and crush your self esteem to the bowels of the earth, but when the day is over you are going to be the most miserable woman...not only on Planet earth, but in the entire Universe, that is, infinity in all directions.

 

NOTE: I'm not going to proofread this post because I am nauseated, sick, and feel like I need to go to a walk in clinic. Just knowing a fellow human being is keeping herself in a situation like this upsets me more than Osama bin Laden. At least he stays in a cave.

[Tony T]

It's so sad to say, but there is no possible way this guy is interested in a relationship with you. If he loved you or was even fond of you, he would be far more affectionate, attentive and considerate.

 

He is in love with his games, his TV and his new friend at work. You are way down his list of priorities.

 

If you do move in with him, will he stop playing his games and talking to his girlfriend from work long enough to pay his half of the rent.

 

Where can I find a girl like you??? I would treat her really nice!!!

[velvet]

At a time in my life I was engaged to marry. He was 15 years older and his ethics different than mine and it somtimes created situations. I was used to one lifestyle and he trying to mold me into his. For four years he trained me and molded me as best he could. He often would compare me to other women and ask that I pay attention to how they dress, look, carry themselves ect.. He wanted me to cook like his mother. To work as hard as him. He trained me to do the work the field he had been in for years. The experience from our r/s better me in areas I felt I wanted to improve even if it were sometimes hard to evolve. His lifestyle was so much more glamours than what I was raised in and accustomed too. Compairing me to other women came up often. However his attitude towards it was not to lead me to believe he would leave me for one of them but just to get my attention on the subject so that it would be on my mind to be more appealing, sexy, fun, ect.. and it made him proud when I worked at that picture image he had.

 

I dont see any harm in trying to please your partner to better your r/s.

 

I may not be of any help, but I would give him a taste of what ever this other girl is giving him to see if he brings her up again.

 

 

 

Why would you want to move in with someone who had found his match at work and came home and told you about her? I know this is painful but he was trying to give you a message. He has clearly stated to you that there's a female at work with whom he is more compatible and with whom he has more common interests. If gaming is his life, he needs somebody who is just as fanatic about that as he is. Why would you want a guy who wants to change you into what he wants? Why would you want a guy who tells you everything he feels is wrong with you and that he wants you to change? Hey, you're a classy lady who has tolerated his crap. You are adaptable, considerate, thoughtful and kind. You roll with the punches and have not made unreasonable demands on him, particularly demands that he change his life or his habits in ways more acceptable to you. You have basically accepted the rotten jerk just like he is. He doesn't deserve a girl like you. Knock yourself out if you want. I don't see a solution here unless you become more like the girl he wants and become a fake you. I would think it tragic that you would have to change the person you are just to please someone else. When I'm looking for a lady friend, if I don't like the things she likes, I move on. It just doesn't work under those circumstances. For what purpose do you want to stay with him? So what is it you love about him? Does he make you feel whole and special? Does he make you feel like you're the number one woman in the whole wide world? Does he make you feel like you're the one he wants to spend his whole like with?

 

What this guy wants to make you feel is that you'll be all those things if you will just CHANGE into the girl who will be number one in his life.

 

So if you want to turn yourself into a fake, make the changes required and live a life of lies then you may have a wonderful six months with this guy before you get divorced. You'd be better off moving in with a chimp at the zoo. They accept you and love you just as you are.