Guest Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I've been with my MM for about a year. The A developed over a period of time, it progressed from a mental rapport and occasional flirting to a full blown A in such a short time. We each thought that we had control over the situation and it wouldn't get out of hand, but little did we know. We have an incredible connection that is emotional, physical and spiritual. What really fostered our relationship is the solace we found in the mutual understanding of our wants and needs. Our communication is such that we're able to resolve disagreements quite easily and without either of us feeling slighted or misunderstood. We can discuss at length issues that neither of us had been able to with any or our of past or his present spouse. At first he'd talk about the problems in his M but I had to stop him because I couldn't really tolerate the venting. It seemed too ironic that I, the OW was giving him advice or being a sounding board to the difficulties in his M. Anyway we absolutely do not talk about his marriage or W anymore but I still can't help but wonder how their relationship is. On the surface they seem to be the perfect couple. I know he loves her and I think that she is a generally good wife. There has never been any discussion about him leaving, in fact I don't expect that he ever would. This situation has been excruciatingly hurtful. I've cried more times than I can remember. On any day I'm trying to balance feelings of guilt, bitterness and despondency. The two times that I've tried breaking up, he fought me becuase he said I was too abrupt and the importance of our relationship regarded a need for delicacy. So it's gotten to the point where I've come up with a compromise and have given him a four month transition period at the end of which our relationship will be over and there will be NC. Anyway I believe he's in a marriage that isn't bad enough to necessitate divorce but does not have the happiness that he gains from being with me. And he's the kind of guy who would never be selfish enough to dump a woman who loves him and mostly treats him good just because he's found a more suitable companion in someone else. My question is, how do I get over that? This isn't the type of situation where the guy's made countless declarations that he's going to leave but only succeeds to drag his feet. Nor is it one where I would prefer that he not leave. I suppose it boils down to us simply not meant to be. So much so that I'll give a bit of background information. We work in the same organization and I had spoken to him over the phone several times years before we met in person. He told me that at the time he was single. When we finally met he was only engaged but we had barely gotten to know each other by the time he got married a few months later. It wasn't until after he got married that we really connected. How's that for bad luck? Anyway, what I'd really like is some advice on how I could console myself on having missed out on the "love of my life" over what appears to be a serious case of bad timing. I apologize if I seem incoherant, I've got alot on my mind. Thank you.
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 You have alot of insight into your own situation, and you're not blind to see the bad stuff. He IS selfish and you are right, whatever shape his marriage is in, it's not bad enough for him to leave, get a divorce and be with you. He has you filling in the needs his wife can't. And his wife fills in needs which you can't for him. The choice is yours now. Stay and continue to cry, be hurt and live for stolen happy moments that won't last long - Or go talk to a therapist to help you cope with breaking up with him, dealing with pain and the loss. It is a sad situation, but the reality of it is, he's married to someone else and you sticking around to be with him on the side is selling yourself short. You deserve more! Though you won't get more from him... Can you accept that? If yes, for how long? And if no, when will you gather the strength to end it and walk away forever?
consternation Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I think the only way you get over it - is by no contact, agony, time and finally moving on. Unfortunately, people don't usually start these processes until the agony has been extensive and ongoing.... until they know, absolutely know, that all that lies ahead for them in the path they are on (as OW) is pain. And that they really have no choice but to end it. You will get to that point... just depends on how long you are willing to suffer til you get there.
yesmaybe Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 No contact + therapy + time. There are no shortcuts, 10 simple steps, etc.. Eventually, you will get over him. But, it will be tough. You may not succeed in no contact at first. But, with the help of therapy and time, you will eventually be able to have no contact. And hopefully, one day you will be able to look back at him with detachment.
yousaveme Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 i undestand where you are coming from. The only difference between my situtation and yours is that we got caught. I have been completely crushed over this. As much as i know its for the best because there are two kids involved. I understand what you mean by "the love of your life." We are still talking and our feelings havent changed for one another. He grew up in a fatherless upbringing and never wants his kids to feel the abandonment. I have tried to understand but I'm also have such a seem of selfishness that i want him to leave. I also tried breaking up when we were going strong and he also talked me out of it for the same reasons. I'm at a lose myself. I ask myself everyday how can you find someone and connect so perfectly but yet at the wrong time. Everyone that knows me and has also talked to him says the same thing if its meant to be then it will be. I question is how this changes you as a person. I can honestly say this has totally changed me. I am not the same person i used to be and I dont ever think i could go back. Love is hard and I can only say - if you need to vent im here and i understand.
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