reservoirdog1 Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I feel like a teenager asking this, but I'm not sure what else to do. Been dating a woman for four months. We get along beautifully, there's great physical attraction, we're intellectual equals, we're both single parents, we have really good communication. I feel affection towards her and I care about her and her feelings. And I really like her kids. She's started falling in love with me. But honestly, I'm not sure I feel like I'm in love with her. And she's understandably frustrated by this -- she doesn't want to keep getting deeper into things with me if my feelings aren't going to change. Plus, despite our commonality, there are some important differences between our situations, and I'm not sure (for personal selfish reasons) if they're compatible in the long term. So I'm torn between not wanting to give up on what we have because it's a great connection that COULD develop into love (the selfish motive), and thinking I should break it off with her (because she doesn't deserve to be held in limbo by my uncertainty. She's wondering the same thing. I know the conventional wisdom that you just "know" when you're in love. The problem is, I have no usable frame of reference. The last time I told a woman I loved her for the first time, I was 20 and it was almost 14 years ago. So, I'd love advice from any wise sages out there: how do you know if you're in love? Or if what you have could develop into that?
Outcast Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 You don't fall in love in four months. Or, rather, the 'love' you fall into is mostly infatuation with the beginnings of real affection. You have to know about a person to love that person and four months isn't long enough. Both of you are way too hasty to turn this into something more. I guess it's the computer age - in a world where people get frustrated when a website doesn't come up in twenty seconds, I suppose it's unsurprising that people expect to be in love in less time than it takes to do one term of a university degree.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 It's been a month and a half since things ended. She and I are still in periodic contact -- we like each other and have been talking about staying "friends". She misses me. Her concern is that, if we hang out as friends, we'll just wind up getting naked together. Which would be a problem, because she doesn't separate sex from emotion. I've known that since the beginning. The wrinkle, however, is that I'm not sure how I feel. A significant part of me looks at the relationship I had with her and thinks I threw away something great, far too early, and that the problem that arose was something we should have tried to work out. There were definitely a couple of obstacles in our path, had things continued... but are there ever NOT bumps in the road? Maybe I'm romanticizing it because I haven't dated anybody else since then (I've only been trying halfheartedly). Maybe I just feel there's something missing from my life and that's why I'm thinking about this. Or maybe... Or maybe... Or maybe... etc.
Craig Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 In addition to 'feelings' and 'love' what else is there that would lead you to believe that this has potential for a long term mutually satisfying relationship?
norajane Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 You can't get much out of a relationship if you don't put much into it. If you're only "half-heartedly trying" then you have no chance of success. Relationships take work - it's not just add sex and stir. If you don't see yourself being capable of opening yourself up to love, then you are better off not trying to have a relationship.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 No, no... the half-hearted trying refers to dating efforts SINCE then, not to how I was conducting myself during the relationship with her.
norajane Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Ok, were you putting everything into your relationship with her? Giving of yourself? Opening up and being vulnerable? Letting her in and accepting that her happiness is important to you? Wanting to do things to make her happy and give her pleasure? If you haven't been "in love" in 14 years, I'd venture to say there's a reason for that. And I'd venture to say that you're subconsciously wary of it. I'd also say 4 months isn't enough time to gauge whether you would grow to love someone. If you have physical and intellectual chemistry, it's a good bet that you would. Some people are really quick to call it love when it's an infatuation and once the chemicals wear off they realize they aren't compatible and say stuff like, "I love her, but I'm not in love". Truth is, they never developed real love. Other people don't get that "in love" feeling until they've loved someone for 20 years and look at her one morning when the sun is making her hair glow and she smiles at him and he suddenly realizes he's the luckiest man in the world. There are no rules. It's different for everyone. The only thing that's certain is that nothing will happen if you don't give it a chance.
Sand&Water Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Reservoirdog1, The wrinkle, however, is that I'm not sure how I feel. A significant part of me looks at the relationship I had with her and thinks I threw away something great, far too early, and that the problem that arose was something we should have tried to work out. Questions: Once you see her or interact with her, do you get excited? Are you able to joke, tease, and use humour with her and feel the same in return? Are you able to have a serious discussion with her, and feel you can connect with her? It is most likely, you are throwing away something great. IF you deeply think about the permutations, combinations, and probability that you will find another woman with the same compatibility, and connection you have with this woman -the probability is low. Accept her, for who she is -and include her in your life. Add dedication to the relationship. Interact with her on many levels, and see where it goes, and how you feel. Give it a chance. IF it doesn't work out, then at least you tried. No regrets [i hope not], whatsoever. A few thoughts to consider, Sand&Water
Author reservoirdog1 Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 Norajane... to clarify, it's been 14 years since I told a woman for the first time that I loved her. I spent the next 11 years with her, 7 of them married, and we split three years ago. I'd say I was putting as much as I could into this most recent relationship. Was I opening up as much as I could have? I'm not sure. I remember thinking to myself, "she's great, we're compatible for so many reasons, I have a great time when I'm with her, I'm really attracted to her, but damn it, I don't feel STRONG feelings of longing." It's entirely possible that I'm having to learn all this stuff all over again after being with XW for 11 years. As I've said to friends recently, 14 years ago I was 20, with no life experience, and I probably wouldn't have known mature love if it came up and bit me on the ass. S&W -- those are some excellent questions. I can answer yes to all of them. The main things that weren't working were (a) some practical/logistical issues, but more importantly, (b) she was starting to become somewhat clingy, and © what I perceived as somewhat controlling. I don't ascribe negative motives to her with ©, but I can tell you that I really have my guard up against that because I experienced it a lot with XW. I remember thinking that, if my emotional feelings for her had been deeper, I'd have been able/willing to completely overlook any logistical/practical issues and be with her. I don't know... I'm confused.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Nah, you'd be feeling it if she were the "one". Your heart, body and soul would know and you'd want to let things develop even more.
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 This is just my opinion here.. If you loved her then you would be going bonkers not being around her.. you would be doing more than just thinking about her.. Your every thought would be about how you could make the distance between you closer. Your whole body would still feel her.. even after 2 months of not seeing her.. You would still have that infected feeling on your brain that you couldn't shake... You know the one where her sole has infected your every thought.. If you were in love with her and she didn't do anything to you to kill those feelings then you would still feel the love.. .. By the way.. I still feel those feelings for someone that I once loved.. ..
Guest Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 I am sorta in the same boat as her I think. I am seeing a guy 9 yrs older than myself, we both have children from previous relationships and we both raise are children alone without the help of the other parent. He has not suggested we take things to a deeper level but he always wants to make plans to go out "soon" and we have a great time, hold great conversations etc. However, I am ready to be "serious" I dont want to lose him by pressuring him and asking him "the question" about where we stand however I'm not sure how patient I can be. I really really like this guy I get butterflies thinking about him, I hope that you take your time when asking yourself how you feel about this girl and what you really want in life, what are you expectations of this relationship you have now, are you looking for something long term or just something to "settle with for now". It sounds like she is very interested in moving to the next step however I would have to agree its been 4 months with her, you need to decide stringing one another a long will only lead in total heartbreak later on. If your not really sure you want a "long term relationship" with her you need to be honest and tell her your having a great time with her now and you want to take things slow.... reassure her if you are interested that you just need time for all of it and dont want to jump the gun to soon, however you would hate to lose her because your not sure if your completely ready. If mine would just talk to me and tell me something, anything I'd be happy! If he told me today he isn't really sure what he wants but he is loving the fact of seeing me and can see a future in store possibly that would of course be like a hammer to the face but he would be leavin the door open for a "possible future" which reassures a girl there is a chance its not just some game. You seriously just need to talk and tell her how you feel, if your scared, your scared just say it.......nothing is best than honesty. Good luck to yoU! I feel like a teenager asking this, but I'm not sure what else to do. Been dating a woman for four months. We get along beautifully, there's great physical attraction, we're intellectual equals, we're both single parents, we have really good communication. I feel affection towards her and I care about her and her feelings. And I really like her kids. She's started falling in love with me. But honestly, I'm not sure I feel like I'm in love with her. And she's understandably frustrated by this -- she doesn't want to keep getting deeper into things with me if my feelings aren't going to change. Plus, despite our commonality, there are some important differences between our situations, and I'm not sure (for personal selfish reasons) if they're compatible in the long term. So I'm torn between not wanting to give up on what we have because it's a great connection that COULD develop into love (the selfish motive), and thinking I should break it off with her (because she doesn't deserve to be held in limbo by my uncertainty. She's wondering the same thing. I know the conventional wisdom that you just "know" when you're in love. The problem is, I have no usable frame of reference. The last time I told a woman I loved her for the first time, I was 20 and it was almost 14 years ago. So, I'd love advice from any wise sages out there: how do you know if you're in love? Or if what you have could develop into that?
Sand&Water Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Reservoirdog1, This statement . . . I remember thinking to myself, "she's great, we're compatible for so many reasons, I have a great time when I'm with her, I'm really attracted to her, but damn it, I don't feel STRONG feelings of longing." Along with this statement . . . © but I can tell you that I really have my guard up against that because I experienced it a lot with XW. Say a bundle of things about your internal feelings, and vibes expressed in the post, that you may not be fully aware of. The fact that your ex-wife has caused emotional scars, only limits the amount of love and affection you can offer to this woman. Until you can almost completely open your heart to this woman and accept what she is giving you in return -then there is no way you could develop feelings for this woman. I think you should, in my opinion, let this woman go. Continue to be a good friend to her, IF you like, but you can't string her along anymore. You are hurting her in ways, you may not understand -or even see. IF you sincerely, and confidently want to see change in your love life -you will have to sacrifice and bury your past traumatic experiences with your ex-wife; and use the lessons learned to your advantage. Basically, it comes down to whether or not you want to live a lonely life. Regards, Sand&Water
Author reservoirdog1 Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 S&W, there's a lot of wisdom in your words. Thanks for your comments. Truth be told, WXW's controlling was pretty low level -- it was basically in the form of a whiny, pissy mode of behaviour that got extremely irritating to deal with. Believe me, the emotional scars from my marriage were caused by issues far more serious than that. Also, I'm not stringing this woman along -- we stopped dating at the end of August and haven't seen each other since. All contacts have been phone or email. I've made no overtures towards her to suggest that we should try again, or that I'm thinking about it. The idea of staying friends was hers, and I've said that I'd be happy with that. But that's what has caused me to query everything and what has brought the whole did-I-make-a-huge-mistake-by-ending-it thing to the fore. I haven't told her that I've been wondering that because that would be cruel on my part to give her hope if it's not what I'm really feeling. The problem for me is, it's "what I'm really feeling" that I've been wrestling with.
laRubiaBonita Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 But that's what has caused me to query everything and what has brought the whole did-I-make-a-huge-mistake-by-ending-it thing to the fore. I haven't told her that I've been wondering that because that would be cruel on my part to give her hope if it's not what I'm really feeling. The problem for me is, it's "what I'm really feeling" that I've been wrestling with. it sounds like "dumpers guilt" to me. Nothing bad happened that caused you to end the relationship, you are both still fairly amicable, but it IS still a break up, and you do have some feelings for her….. so yeah, you feel bad. I think you are second guessing your gut feelings ….. (and do not want to be alone or something) and maybe those gut feelings will change with time, who knows...... there are always second chance possibilities.
Sand&Water Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Reservoirdog1, The problem for me is, it's "what I'm really feeling" that I've been wrestling with. The ultimate question is: What are you feeling? Obviously no one can answer that for you. As a result, you should take a few step back and evaluate the situation. The most natural thing, a man can do to assess and ease his mind from constant nit-picking; apprehension; and worry is to take a break. It would be wise, to take a break from the situation for at least another 1 month. Live your life, just as you did before you met her. Go outdoors, and engage in fun-active acitivities. IF during that time, you don't experience a feeling of longing and yearn to be by her side -then it is a red indication, she should be put to rest as a friend and nothing more. I recommend you don't dwell on this issue for too long. IF you do, plantonic feelings may be hijacked and twisted to make you believe that you possess romantic feelings. Your mind can deceive your emotions. Sometimes Time tricks the unbelievable into believable. Best of Luck, Sand&Water
hentajus Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 If you realy love a person you dont need to ask such a question... you can OBVIOUSLY tell if you realy do love that person
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