luvtoto Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I'm dating a man who has a 4 yr old daughter. He has joint custody of her. He is an awesome dad. That was part of my attraction to him. He is new to being a single, dating dad. He's expressed his concerns to me about being a single father trying to date. Here's his solution: On the weekends that he has his daughter,he doesn't spend time with me or call. He told me that his daughter is already getting confused by her mom dating another guy. He doesn't want to add anymore confusion with bringing me into the picture. How would you feel if your SO told you this? Should he even BE dating then? The angel on my right shoulder says, "Wow. He's putting his daughter first. He's protecting her. What a good man." The devil on my left says, "He's keeping you at a distance for a reason. You are gonna get hurt. If he was serious about you, he would want you in his daughter's life." Who should I listen too? Am I being unreasonable here?
blind_otter Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 How long have you been dating? I think that he's making an appropriate choice for his comfort level, as well as being aware of what his daughter needs. I would say that if the child were older, it may be OK for you to meet her, but at her current developmental stage, along with the current difficulties she is having adjusting to her mother's new boyfriend, it seems like introducing you would be putting your needs first. Which would not be healthy for the girl. Just because his daughter is having difficulty adjusting to her parents new status, doesn't mean that he shouldn't be dating yet, however. He may be perfectly fine with the adjustment. His solution is a good compromise, to keep his romantic life separate from his daughter's at the moment.
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 It all depends on how long you two have been dating. If this 4 year old has already been exposed to her mom's boyfriend and it's confused her, I'm sorry to tell you this, then he is doing the right thing by not introducing you to her. Look at it this way, instead of you thinking you'll be hurt, he's more than likely thinking "I don't want my daughter hurt." Meaning she is just too young to be exposed to him seeing someone, getting attached and then maybe having to deal with you not being around if you two break up at some point. Just enjoy the times you are with him and try not to feel down about the weekends.
melodymatters Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I was divorced when my daughter was very young. I had friends of both sexes who often came by to visit. 4 yr olds aren't thinking " sexually", there's no reason you can't be his "friend Sue" or whatever. Does he avoid ALL social contact on weekends to not " confuse" her ? I doubt it. Being a good dad shows character, but in my experience, fathers especially tend to go a little overboard with the "My child comes first" thing. I dated a divorced guy, we we're both divorced, early 30's with one young child each. He told me he "could never have another child because it would be unfair to Patrick" Sorry, thats just stupid, what about YOUR life, or MINE or my daughters if we were to have become serious ? I think making kids the center of your universe is unhealthy for both you AND them. Thats why we have so many spoiled, selfish kids. I always made mine and my daughters needs equal. If I cut myself off to loving relationships because it might "confuse " her, I might have ended up resenting her and hating parenthood. Instead, I have a strong independant 13 yr old daughter who respects me as a woman and a role model.
Outcast Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 It is unfair to a child to introduce someone into the relationship that the child might become attached to because if you break up, the child will be hurt. I think he's being a terrific dad and that the reason we have so many screwed up people is that people for a long time did not take as much care in raising children. He hasn't dumped you. He just tries to devote himself to a very young child during what is a very confusing time for her and that's excellent. I'm sure if he starts to consider you a long-term prospect, he'll be more comfortable about having you around her. You said yourself that this guy is new to being a single dad so this means he's not been separated long and you haven't been dating long. Give it time.
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