supernova Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 hello, i need some advice. i'm really quite confused. ok i'm married, have been married for three years. i met my husband when i was eighteen, we dated for like nine years before we got married. three years before i got married i went os and that's when my husband proposed and at the same time i started having feelings for one of his best friends, i put it down to a crush that would go away, i had already tried to indicate to him i was interested & in code he wld basically tell me nothing was going to happen - there were many reasons not to get involved with him - he slept with my best friend for one, he is a total slob and seemed to me wasn't ready for commitment. i am not making him sound very good, yes he is flawed but i think maybe he did not pursue anything with me because out of loyalty to my husband (even though he wasn't my husband then) - he's a really good person - everyone in my life who i'm close to is a really special person come to think of it. so time has moved on and i see that he really would love to settle down with someone, he has just had his heart broken by this girl who rather callously used him to make her boyfriend jealous, when he first started dating her, he told me that she was 'my doppelganger'. i feel like i have denied the strength of my feelings and it's hurting me to realise how strong they really are - i have been having dreams about him and think about him a lot. our group went out a week ago and we were all having conversations about our lovelifes. i said to him 'the guys i liked never liked me and the guys i didn't like always liked me' but what i was really saying was 'why didn't you love me?' and then he said 'i always waited too long before i realised and then when i finally did, she would be someone else's' which i am wondering if it means 'yes i did love you but i waited too long & blew it'. we have this connection i can't really explain - we always speak in code but understand what the other is really getting at... anyway i'd love some advice. i'm married and i take that vow seriously....at the same time though, i realise that my feelings for this guy have gotten stronger over the years if anything...but my husband is a great guy & i wld be universally hated for leaving someone so amazing - not only that i wld hate myself, i already feel incredibly guilty for having these feelings about this other guy. at the same time, does anyone want to be with someone who is constantly thinking about someone else even if they never act on it? i am not the type to pursue an affair - at least not a physical one - & he wld never do that either... i never meant to hurt anyone - i weighed everything up when i got married & felt my husband was too good a guy to risk losing over a crush...i just didn't expect the crush to last so long or to increase in its intensity over the years... pls help, i just want to do the right thing and i'm miserable right now
agoodone Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 Well, this is why there are marriage vows. Everyone who is married will be tempted. Maybe tempted strongly over a long period of time. But the point of being married is that you promised that NO MATTER WHAT comes along, you've already made your choice and proclaimed that choice in front of your community. Being married means that you'll stay, even if you're tempted, not UNTIL you're tempted enough. You aren't committed to your marriage. I feel bad for your man. This is a choice for you. Either you make up your mind that you're mature enough to obey your vows (you married voluntarily, right?) and you make the effort that grown-ups do to put this guy out of your mind ....or you act like a child, allow yourself to dream and imagine about this guy, let the feelings build up and finally crash the world around you by leaving your husband. Then you and this guy get together and you see that you get bored by him in a year. This isn't about the man you're with, this is about who you are inside. Seriously think about what marriage means. If you're REALLY not happy with your husband, try every means to make it better. If none of these processes work then you might leave, after a lot of effort. But it shouldn't be done because someone else strikes feelings in you. Otherwise NO ONE would stay married, get it?
Author supernova Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 hello, yep ur absolutely right although i think ur tone is a little judgemental i don't know if i'll get over this guy in a year because i've calculated that i've had feelings for him over the past 6 years that have grown in intensity but it's true that we haven't taken anything out of fantasyland & i suspect he wld find that harder to do than me...but yep i have already made my choice so i need to put him out of my mind. I am committed to my marriage, I am only human and being honest about my feelings. I feel bad for my man that I've had these feelings but i suspect he's always known there's been an attraction between us but he trusts me and comforts himself that he got me, the OM didn't & knows i would never do anything behind his back. And I wouldn't - if i left him, it wld be final. And I know that i won't. Ur right about no-one staying married - I guess it's just i haven't felt this way for any other guys except these two guys in my life - my husband and OM. the thing that makes it harder is that i see this guy all the time because he's in our friendship group & I have to pretend nothing is bothering me & i can't tell anyone about any of this as everyone wld just jump down my throat & tell me i'm bad for even thinking such things...and i have to contend with him making these statements & flirting with me...that's life i guess, i just wish he'd find some girl who'd stay with him so i don't have to deal with him haunting me with what could have been had i chosen differently...at the end of the day if he really loved me, he had the opportunity to do something before i got married & i think he does know that.
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