leopardprint Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I can't believe my little brother. I just... he leaves me in awe sometimes. For years, he's been the quiet, laid back one. He never really has anything to say, just kind of shrugs and says, "I don't know what to tell you". He seems to never have an oppinion on life or life's problems. He's an extremely intelligent kid, but I don't think the kid has EVER had drama in his life (good for him!), he just doesn't put up with stuff like that. He's the kind who shrugs things off, and says, "Hey, that's life.... Let's go watch a movie!" Tonight, he actually spoke up (he just turned 17yrs old and has never even had a girlfriend, just for the record, it's important, because even someone like me, who's been in 4 significant LTR during my entire life, he can see and understand things WAAAAAY better than me!). I had just gotten off the phone with my ex.; he had finally made me tell him how I REALLY felt about him, after the past couple of weeks of me pretending there was nothing wrong. I broke down, and basically, while trying to hold back tears, told him how hard it was to be his friend and how much I missed him and loved him still. I was so upset at myself for telling him how I felt - I feel like it's only going to push him away further. I was doing my best at just being the friend he wanted me to be - giving him his time - and now I felt like I was ruining all that effort I put into being what he wanted by telling him my true feelings for him. My brother had JUST gotten home from seeing a movie with a few friends and knocked on my door. I told my ex to hold one a second, while I answered the door. I guess that was my ex's cue to get off the phone asap. He quickly told me, "I'm going to get going... need to take a shower..." I asked him, "Am I... am I going to hear from you again?" To which he replied, "I will call you later." I was so scared of not being able to finish what I had to say, even though I regret it, I asked, "When is 'later'?" To which he added, "I will call you LATER - I don't know, if not tonight, then tomorrow. I have to go..." He sounded so incredibly upset and mad with me. I KNEW I didn't want to tell him. I KNEW this would happen. My brother was standing there in the room when I hung up. I shut my cell phone, stared at it in my lap... and then... I just shook my head and started to cry, I mean, really really cry. I really expected him to do what he usually does; stand there, all uncomfortable, not knowing what to say, waiting for my to finish to ask what was wrong, to apologize, then go back to bed. I didn't expect anything from him... I could never ask my own brother to put up with my whiny bull****. He's too strong for that. Then I found out how strong he REALLY was... My little brother doesn't hesitate for a second. He starts rushing to up to me while saying, "Here... come here... shhh... it's alright..." and gives me one of THEE best hugs I've ever had in my life. I needed it so much these past couple of months. He just held me as I cried and cried. I told him everything. I told him how I felt, what I did tonight, how I regretted it, etc. Everytime I paused, instead of falling silent, he had something to say. It felt great finally hearing someone talk back to me, who knew how I've always felt for my ex and everything I have been through (although I say my brother isn't really open, I've always been open with him; he knows EVERYTHING about me). Here's some of what he told me... (About me thinking telling him everything tonight was a mistake, in fear that I may never hear from him again, scare him off, or push him away) "You shouldn't regret telling him. You had to. It wouldn't be fair to yourself for not doing what you always felt you needed to do." "You shouldn't be scared of pushing him further away; of him never talking to you again. If you telling him your feelings for him, that you still loved and cared about him, if you telling him that pushes him away, and he's the type of person who's just going to stop talking to you instead of caring enough to talk it through, then maybe it's good you find that out. You don't want to be with someone who goes, 'Oh, this girl loves me? Screw that! I'm getting out of here when I can!' You want someone who will talk and be there for you, you know? You don't deserve that. No one does." (About me thinking it's always my fault) "Maybe it was something that was never meant to be, but at the time, you guys just did everything to make something that wasn't supposed to work, work. But does it really matter? You were happy these past 2 years, right? You were happy; that's all that matters." (About him telling me, "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I don't care about or love you just because it might make it easier on you. I'm sorry but... it's not true... and I don't believe in that".) "You know... maybe he does still love you. You know, you don't just have someone like that in your life and the feelings just go away. Think about you... you're so upset with mom and dad right now, but that doesn't mean you'll ever stop loving them. Maybe he's telling you the truth; he does love you, but maybe not in that same way anymore. Maybe he'll always love you or care for you on some level, but he'll never be able to love you in that same way again. And maybe that should be your reality; your hint to move on." "Yeah, you were happy, and you're not now, but you will be happy in some other way or form later." "He's made his decision. I think this is all up to you now. You have to think to yourself... is it time to delete him from your life, you know, do what you have to do to forget about him and move on to be happy with something or someone else in the future, or do you want to pursue being his friend, and maybe continue being miserable, in some hopes that some day he might turn around and try again. "I... I just don't think he is going to. I think he's trying to tell you that in the nicest way without being too blunt as to not hurt your feelings. "I think, deep down inside, you have your answer." There's so much more, and it would probably make more sense if I put what I was thinking or saying to him, but... I guess I just need to write this all out. I was feeling so horrible, so alone, and the one person I probably could of always turned to, but never did because I thought I would make him uncomfortable, was there for me the entire time. Luckly for me, I recently moved back into my parents home just to get on my feet and get settled while I was transitioning and moving from state to state, so I have plenty of time to spend with him for the now. So now for the coping part... I guess it really is time to block him completely from my life - phone, internet, etc. I guess it's finally time to pack up 2 years of a relationship in a box and put it away forever. I'm so utterly scared of doing all of this. I miss him and I hate the idea of making this so final.
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