BenThereDunThat Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 The short version of my story -- I ended things with exMM when I realized there was no point in loving a married man. He's been married for years (no kids) and for whatever reasons (we never discussed) intends to remain married. He said he loved me deeply, I believed him, but what difference does it make how much he loves me if he's married, right? So what's the problem? The problem is we work in the same office. Same group, same floor. And just because I ended things doesn't mean I don't still feel love and still think about him. If I didn't see him everyday, I would be a lot further in being over him completely. It's been extremely difficult on both of us. My take on it is, you need to stay away from me completely, don't talk to me, we can't be friends, no more of our inside jokes. No more emails, no more chats. I have to confess though that seeing him so often keeps him on the forefront of my mind. Inevitably I end up feeling sappy and sending him inane, rambling emails. Some were downright mean when I was going through the anger stage. He says if I truly loved him I wouldn't want him to just go away. He loves me and even though we can't be together, he still wants to be part of my life. I do miss the friendship, but I can't just switch gears and stop loving him. And knowing that he has feelings for me, I can't imagine that it wouldn't just be a matter of time before something happens. I don't really think I would be stupid enough to go there again but why take that chance, right? I'd really like to hear from the men here too. Based on the above, do you really think it's possible to be friends after such a deep, intense relationship?
Walking away Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I think this is a difficult situation because the wife's feelings need to be taken into consideration. How would SHE feel if you remained friends? That is one thing to think about. And another: he is getting his EN met by being your friend. Would you be? It is just another version of settling if you still care for him. I think that after a good amount of time and healing, it is possible for the two of you to be friends, but the friendship is disrespectful to his wife whom he has decided to stay with. It is tough. I respect you for dealing with all of this at work, but I think it is best to NOT be friends. But, I defer to those who perhaps are in the same situation. I am so sorry for your pain. WA
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 He says if I truly loved him I wouldn't want him to just go away. He loves me and even though we can't be together, he still wants to be part of my life. If he really loved you, then he would respect the fact that you cannot handle having a friendship with him. Do what you have to do in the sense of seeing him daily at work, but you can take control and not email him personal thoughts, or jokes. Unless it's work related, keep away from him. For your sake, not his. He has chosen to stay married, and that's that. He can't have you in his life as a friend. I agree with WA, it's disrespectful to his wife, his marriage to have you in his life. If you continue being close with him, you are preventing yourself from moving on, meeting someone new because of your emotional feelings for him. It's too bad you can't find another job somewhere else. Can you?
Author BenThereDunThat Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 Thanks WA. Any other situation and I would not even think about remaining friends. I've never been "friends" with ex-lovers. I'd like to just be able to be friendly, more so than actual friends. And of course, he needs to be thinking of his wife. I guess he figures if she didn't know about the A then the friendship wouldn't hurt her. I disagree but he has told me that he's getting professional help. We have offices all over the world, why can't he just get transferred to China?
Author BenThereDunThat Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 Except for his presence, I really like my job. I have a great boss and great friends who I really enjoy working with. I've been there for over 6 years (to his 1) and I would not be able to get another job making what I'm making now. He, on the other hand, has two graduate degrees and has loads of places he could go. He probably will leave eventually. For him to move forward, as he wants to, he'll have to work in some of our other offices. But, if it gets to the point where I can't move forward and it's just too difficult, I will take a pay cut if I absolutely have to for the sake of my own happiness!
Walking away Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 Aw, sweetie.... I know how you feel. I have been in the same spot with my xMM. He wants to remain friends and keep in touch. No thanks. Hang in there. You are gonna be okay. We are ALL gonna be okay. WA
Ladyjane14 Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 ....he is getting his EN met by being your friend. Would you be? Great point, Walking Away. This guy wants BTDT to continue fulfilling some of his ENs... but in return, he's offering her empty pockets. It certainly makes it easier to work together if the relationship is amicable, but underneath it all, that's not really what he's asking for, is it? You might try withdrawing and behaving a bit more chilly with him, BTDT. If he wants to talk about it... explain your stance in a brief and businesslike way. If he persists, offer to have a talk with his boss.... or his wife. I bet he'll stop bothering you altogether after that.
Author BenThereDunThat Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 I agree with it being unfair that he gets his EN fix. As for being cold to him, I have actually been extremely severe with him - the last month has been pretty chilly. If I see him, I alter my course to whevere it is I'm going, won't make eye contact, he tried to mail me an inside joke, I politely asked him not to do that anymore. He said he just wants to get to the point where we can be on the same elevator without feeling awkward, where he can get a cup of coffee without having to wait until I'm done making copies, etc. I want to be able to do that also - my blood pressure has been through the roof, not knowing if I'm going to turn a corner and run into him. I'm just not sure if I should believe him. Would he really be stupid enough to try to work his way back in after all the nasty things I've said to him? And believe me, I've sent him some really hateful tirades in email. I'm part of the problem, I'll go days with no contact, then I get upset and think f***ker, and fire off some really nasty email. I suppose I'll just have to wait it out and assume the feelings will die down and I won't do that anymore.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I'm part of the problem, I'll go days with no contact, then I get upset and think f***ker, and fire off some really nasty email. I suppose I'll just have to wait it out and assume the feelings will die down and I won't do that anymore. Why not be proactive on that instead? This sounds weird, but whenever I'm really troubled about something, it's kind of like I have two thought patterns... two voices in my head. One, is emotional and largely responsible any 'stinking-thinking' that's going on. The other is logical and goal-oriented. So, why not let them duke it out? What I noticed in my case, is that when my "stinking-thinker" is addressed.... she usually backs off. She can't defeat cold logic. She's a creature of emotion. But she WILL NOT shut up until she's had her questions answered. MM can't do that for you. All he has to offer is twisted logic, the logic that he, himself, perceives as truth. The only person who can answer your "stinking-thinker" is YOU. So, why not let her know that she's NOT going to be firing of any more emails, and answer her questions as to why she can't do that any more. Be firm with her too. In short.... talk to yourself and be authoritative about it. It feels weird at first but give it a try anyway. (Just make sure you don't do it in front of other people lest they haul you away to the funny farm. )
Author BenThereDunThat Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 Crack me UP LJ!!! I like the way you think - I will for sure give it a try! Thanks!
lovernotafighter Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I dunno lady jane...I mean I do agree..but it's my logic side which gets me into trouble not the emotional little girl in me. I am a Gemini..and theres 2 of me all the time..sometimes I even act like someone else on purpose because it's fun.. dress up and such ,I slay me. however when my emotional side goes and tells MM to pound salt, and I hurt to much to proceed..it's actually my logical apathetic side telling me why am I losing it? I have talked my self into this more than once...as illogical as that sounds,it's true. I've said things to my self like " why do you care so much anyway? he doesn't and you should feel the same and enjoy what ever you want-with out freaking out!" then my emotional side will feel bad and guilty over every thing and I stay away from MM..but it's such a double edge sword..if I was as apathetic as I want I wouldn't be bothered anyway..and if I wasn't emotional I wouldn't be sucked in over and over. in truth my to personalities have split personalities of there own..yikes!! I really am Cybil!! okay ignore my post I just managed to confuse the sh*t out of myself
Ladyjane14 Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 in truth my to personalities have split personalities of there own..yikes!! I really am Cybil!! okay ignore my post I just managed to confuse the sh*t out of myself Too funny! Just remember when you're 'hearing the voices in your head', LNAF... the one to listen to is the one who is most in line with your spiritual beliefs. The one who upholds your belief system will insist that you adhere to the self-imposed parameters of your conscience. Inner happiness starts with being content within our own skin, right?
lovernotafighter Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I think that where I'm trying to find a happy medium. my inner beliefs say to be a real friend you love with out condition, and always be there for them..but everything about a A is conditioned! in my LNF utopia world everyone would be free to love who they want..it doesn't feel like a sin and it shouldn't hurt anyone. but humans in there ways (and gods little trick) are obsessive,controlling and many times jealous..there fore monogamy is in place though when thought about it isn't in our true nature to do..we are animals when we boil down to it and animals tend to share many lovers. so there I am at odds...I don't think love and friendship should hurt anyone yet knowing that my A will hurt many (myself included ) ,I feel like sh*t...the whole be a friend / lose a friend war is ever waging inside me.
Author BenThereDunThat Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 Too funny! Just remember when you're 'hearing the voices in your head', LNAF... the one to listen to is the one who is most in line with your spiritual beliefs. The one who upholds your belief system will insist that you adhere to the self-imposed parameters of your conscience. Inner happiness starts with being content within our own skin, right? Exactly!! And I've pretty much adhered to that my whole life. Just another of the difficulties of this whole thing, I've really lost myself somewhere along the way here. I question myself, I'm hard on myself. It has just not been fun!
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