Could someone give me there insight of What is going on!!!

[shell69]

Well it all started about 8 months ago. My husband was acting distant for about a week, so I e-mailed him and asked him what was up. We had alot of party's at our house for Euchre and hockey party's this was in November 05.

 

He did not help me set up or clean up any of them. He golf's on Thursday's in the summer and bowls on Thursday in the winter months. He has always stayed out late on those days and I never had a problem with it. Until November when he was coming home around 3 or 4 in the morning. I never got upset but I told him what are you doing that late at night bars close at 2 and he said we go to breakfast, which is problably true. Well I also forgot to mention he had an affair on me 5 years ago with a coworker at his fathers shop where he works. She was married with 2 kids and we have 3 together.

 

We have been married for 16years and together 20. We started dating when we were 16. We are now both 37. Anyways when I asked him at the end of November what was up, he told me that he is not in love with me anymore but does love me and that's what makes it worse. We seen a counsler in December my doing. She told him in a private session that at the first of the year that he should move out. To see if he misses me at all. Well he moved out Jan 7 and about a month into it I asked him what was he thinking and he told me this is where he needs to be that he does not miss me. He says he feels guilty for what he did 5 years ago and he knows that it has to be harder on me. i deserve better. He says he has heard me say many times I wish I didn't get married so young and would have went to college. l

 

I'm not going to deni that I said that but that was when that was all going down. I have been a stay at home mom for 16yrs our children are 15,11 and 8. I love this man with all my heart. I have done the beg crying pleading and it doesn't help and I know I have to stop. But it is easier said then done. I did it back 5 years ago and he came back only to find out now he say's his dad made him come back. Said that his happiness doesn't count.Say's that he always new something was wrong but didn't want to belive it. There was nothing wrong we did everything together. Everyone is in complete shock over this even my children.

 

What do you think is going on. He swears up and down there is no one else. He says everyone can say what they want. I just can't except that he doesn't love me anymore. That's what he says. We are now into 6 months of the divorce and it should be final Oct. 12. I know I have to except it because he is the one that didn't fight for it so he clearly wants out. Picks up the kids for 4 hours on Tues. and everyother weekend. Doesn't call but once in all the days that he don't see them. He was a great father always playing and doing stuff with the kids. But he said earlier in this that he doesn't want to do anything for me or the kids. So alls he is , is hurting us even more.

 

So he needs to leave and be divorced. I asked him in March to go to counseling again because he thinks 2 times is e-nuff. But he says if he thought counseling would work he would be in it right now. He also now says that we have diffrent temperments that he just can't handle and I yell alot. We just have diffrent personalities. I have not changed in 20years so where does that come in. Please can someone give me some insight......

[Ladyjane14]

Call me a cynic.... but I'd be willing to bet you've got a snake in your woodpile.

 

You say this all started about 8 months ago, he has a history of staying out late, and he's got a previous affair under his belt. Have you had confirmation from that he was really advised by his marriage counselor to move out? Because I find it difficult to believe that a qualified MC would give that advice with just the few little marital problems you've mentioned to back it up.

 

According to Dr. Willard Harley:

But, as I mentioned earlier, the risks of separation are great. It should be used only as a last resort to help resolve a fatal flaw in marriage. Once separated, couples often never do reconcile, remaining separated for life, or they eventually divorce. A fact unknown to many is that fifteen to twenty percent of all married couples end their lives permanently separated. These, who are not included in divorce statistics, usually feel that they should not legally divorce for religious reasons. But for most practical purposes, they are as divorced as those legally divorced. Their separation did not create the opportunity for reconciliation, but rather, created an even higher barrier between spouses.

 

I would recommend to you that you read a copy of Surviving An Affair at your earliest opportunity. You might also read through the Basic Concepts Section and the How To Survive Infidelity section over at marriagebuilders.com, giving special attention to the article, What are Plan A and Plan B.

 

This will give you some ideas on how to best proceed. You haven't caught him in an affair, but even if he were not actally involved with someone else... these techniques are probably your best bet.

 

I don't believe that he's not cheating though based on what you have written. It's often the case with adulterers that they deliberately hide their agenda in order to negotiate the best divorce settlement possible as well as to keep their friends and family members from thinking poorly of them.

 

The usual plan is to introduce the "new" girlfriend as someone they just met, rather than someone who undermined the marriage. Imagine if you will what his family's reaction would be to this person upon introduction if the KNEW that she had played a part in destroying their grandchildren's family dynamic. Imagine your children's reaction for that matter.

 

It's an ugly thing.... but cheaters do it all the time.

 

You've only got a couple of weeks left to bust him on the affair. If you can afford it, your best bet is to put a PI on him. On the one hand... if he's bent on divorce, it doesn't really matter. He'll still say that he just met her while he was "separated". But on the other, you can't fight what you can't see. IF he's cheating, there are REASONS that he didn't want you to know. Those "reasons" can be exploited.

 

In the meantime, you might give some consideration to calling your attorney and stalling the divorce. If the settlement is thus far 'uncontested'... see what you can do to contest it. Ask for more alimony or something like that. And btw.... if you don't have your OWN attorney.... GET ONE.

There's a good possibility here that your husband is going to go through with this. Whatever you get from him now is going to have to last you until the kids are grown. Make sure you get all you can.

[mgm]

Well I did hire a PI about 3 weeks ago. Well I got the news I was looking for. He was by his place today and he saw the other women in the car and her car was in the garage. He got the liscense plate number. So he ran it and has her name and alot more. She is also in the process of a divorce. Ares was started in Feb and hers in March. Not the same chick from 5 years ago. She is blondish brown hair which people have told me that is the girl he has been seeing is with brownish blond hair. She has been divorced once before is around 35-36 with small children. Her divorce should be final in Sept. with ares maybe in Oct. or sooner. It is just a blow to my heart. He dropped the kids off on Tuesday and was suppose to have them this weekend but said he will get them over labor day he had a golf outing. Yea right he had to spend time with the BITCH. It makes me sick he has not seen or contacted his children since Tuesday. Oh he called after 10 tonight after she had left. I listened on the other end of the phone which was on mute and he said things to the kids like I love you's and miss you's other then that it was like he doesn't even know them. It took all I had not to jump in and say you F*&^*(*^ liar. But I won't yet. Like you said he will say I only just started seeing her. Yea and I'm the queen of England. Makes me phyically ill.

[LakesideDream]

I wonder what you expected? The good 'ol "I need space" bovine scat is common to both men and women. It's open code for "I got's me a new squeeze that gets me off better than you".

 

At this point there isn't much profit to be had for you to "blame him" for cheating, he left, that's what "thoughtful" people do these days. Marriage is a pretty meaningless institution. Marriages with two totally committed partners are a very small minority.

 

As soon as "no fault" divorce arrived on the scene, getting married has been a reason to have a big party and show off the person you are (were) sleeping with.

 

I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where the vow's included "To love and cherish as long as both agree". That marriage between "soulmates" lasted 7 months.

 

Buck up, and try to think "you" thoughts. Waste as little time as possible on angry thoughts. Try and do something every day to make your self happy.

[Ladyjane14]

It never ceases to amaze me how some of these a*holes are perfectly willing to dump their own kids and go off to raise somebody else's.

Hell, their were times I didn't have a coat growing up, but you can bet my father's stepchildren damn sure did.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, MGM.

 

I''ll tell you what though, I most definitely would go back to my attorney with this information and see what I could do to get a better settlement. I know that might sound a wee bit vindictive, but... the more reality you introduce into the situation, the less fun WH's affair will be.

 

I would tie his divorce up for as long as I could, and I'd get the best settlement possible in the end. If OW ends up living on Tuna Helper... it wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit.

 

Meanwhile, if you've got pretty good evidence, contact OW's STBXH and fill him in on the details. It's not right that he get his ass skinned in divorce court when all the while his wife's been cheating. And who knows... maybe he has information you can use.

 

Talk to WH's family members and see what they know too. In reading your previous posts, it would seem they do know something, since they've been so standoff-ish with you. Try not to assume the worst of them though. I know that's hard, but what a terrible and awkward position to be in when your son or brother is cheating. Try to empathize, you'll get further with them.

 

I'll repeat this part for you:

I would recommend to you that you read a copy of Surviving An Affair at your earliest opportunity. You might also read through the Basic Concepts Section and the How To Survive Infidelity section over at marriagebuilders.com, giving special attention to the article, What are Plan A and Plan B.

 

There's some important information in there on how to bust up this affair. I don't know what your interest level is in reconciling the marriage. Mine would be ZERO at this point, but that's just me. If YOU feel like you want to take a shot at it.... there's your best chance.

 

Remember that in everything you do, you're doing it in such a way as to NOT become a target for WH and the OW. A common enemy is the glue that binds the waywards together. And it keeps them together far longer than their little infatuation would have otherwise lasted. So, do whatever you need to do for the sake of your family, but stop short of actions taken merely for spite.

[mgm]

I know I don't want him back if he can do this to me and his 3 kids again.

But it is so hard not to cry all the time. When you have been in love with someone for so long and just block them out and move on. I know I have to do just that, but it is so painful. I know now why it hasn't been painful for him because he has someone filling that void. I don't want anyone I just wanted us to be a family and grow old together. But he had other ideas. I can't stop thinking about them two together she is there with him holding him and god knows what else. That should be me the mother of his children and his wife of 16yrs. Thanks for letting me vent here. You guys have some good adivce. I just have to move on I know I deserve better then that and so do my kids. It just sucks that he can still be there father by what he has done. Left me to raise them so he can go play house with someone else. Skip out on all the responsiablty.

[Ladyjane14]

It just sucks that he can still be there father by what he has done. Left me to raise them so he can go play house with someone else. Skip out on all the responsiablty.

 

He can only "skip" as far as you let him, honey.

 

You can't make his decisions on if he's going to be emotionally available with his kids or not. But you can damn sure make certain he provides for them.

[mgm]

I understand that. But it makes me pysically ill when he tells me that he has a golf outing last weekend that's why he couldn't have the kids. I know damn well why he couldn't have the children. Everybody keeps telling me not to say anything to the kids they will figure it out someday.

I hope sooner then later. Why do the bad guys always come out good....

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not sure what's accomplished in covering for him with the kids, MGM. (????)

Certainly, you don't want to give them speculations. ANY information you give them should be age appropriate and most definitely FACTUAL. But kids are smart, and they know more than we give them credit for most of the time.

 

I've got a friend who's been going through something similar lately. What she found was that her older kids were experiencing alot of confusion about what was happening in their family. They had some 'pieces of the puzzle', but not the ones that made sense of the picture. From their perspective it looked like people just arbitrarily STOP loving each other. To them, it seemed like their family was breaking apart for no good reason.

 

She elected to tell the truth. It was difficult, but she answered their questions and then stepped back and allowed them to draw their own conclusions. She encouraged them to not take sides, and to understand that the conflict really wasn't about them.

 

Even so.... alot of cheaters will cry "foul" when their adultery is exposed.... particularly to the children. But the alternative is to leave YOUR kid in the dark, scratching his head and trying to make sense of his world.

[mgm]

I understand what your saying but the truth of the matter is I guess you want everyone to feel your pain. I know my kids are going through there own pain. They just don't show it. They are happy that they are living with me and not him. I told them they could choose who they wanted to live with and they said you of course. I guess that explains alot. My oldest knows his dad is wrong by leaving I don't have to say anything. I told my son in the begining that you just don't walk out on a marriage without putting your best foot foward. He agreed with me. I just don't want my children anywhere near that women and her children. I know I can't stop that from happening after the divorce but I wish I could

[Ladyjane14]

......the truth of the matter is I guess you want everyone to feel your pain.

 

That's pretty much how my friend felt too. She was worried that she would only be telling them for selfish reasons initially... and so for a long time, she told them nothing of import.

 

But after awhile she began to notice that the kids were stressed out not only by the separation itself.... but because they couldn't understand WHY the problems between their parents were insurmountable. The kids kept trying to "fix" the broken marriage. After they understood a little more of what was going on, they were able to accept it as a 'grown-up' problem that was beyond their ability to control. So.... they were able to relax and let it go.

 

I think it all boils down to what kind of kid you've got... and what is REALLY in the best interest of the child, regardless of what suits you or what doesn't.