lostsoul66 Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I was working for a small family run business for about 2 years. One night several of the staff went out for some drinks and one of the women told me she was very attracted to me. I told her that I too was attracted to her and that was pretty much it at that point. we were both married at the time, coworkers, she was the business owners daughter, I think you get the picture. If it had stopped there things would have been a lot easier I think. However, shortly after that, the flirting at work began, the emails back and forth, the endless stream of sexual innuendos, and it also seemed like her outfits kept getting sexier by the day. She was in a bad marriage at the time and mine was also being strained by some outside forces other than the situation I have described. She told me several times that I possessed all the qualities that she was looking for in a husband and companion. We definately connected on a deep level, a level that goes beyond the sexual, and beyond the physical attration. I would console her, she would console me, there would be some hugs exchanged and some meetings ouside work for coffee or a bit to eat, etc... The flirting over email got more intense as time went on. It all just seemed so natural even if it was wrong since we were both married. Then one day I brought coffee to her at her house. We talked for quite some time, I could tell we were both nervous because neither of us touched our coffee. It was time to leave so I got up to go and she walked to the door, we hugged and then she kissed me. It was incredible. I instantly felt as if nothing in the outside world existed, just the two of us in each others' arms sharing a passionate kiss. We met outside work several more times, kissing, making out like teenagers (mind you, I was 39 and she was 34).We kind of slept together once but it was a bit awkward for both of us. So we just kept it to office flirting, email, and the occaisonal meeting outside work. During this time, she kicked her husband out and filed for divorce. I on the other hand was still maintaining my relationship with my wife as if nothing was going on, but I know she had her suspicions and I would lay awake many evenings stressing over the position I had gotten myself into. Then one evening, my wife and I had been drinking and out of the blue she asked me if I had kissed her and I said yes. Well the **** really hit the fan to say the least. I don't want this to be a novel so let me just say that over the next several days I told her just about everything. Needless to say I had to quit my job and immediately break off all contact with the OW. This was extremely difficult. To have such an intense relationship with someone and then suddenly it's gone. The OW tried to contact me several times over the next few months but for the sake of my injured marriage I wanted to keep my word so I did not reply or reach out to her. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. To know that there is a person in love with you and basicallly handing you there heart and all you can do is turn and walk away. It's an awful thing. I'm not quite sure which is more painfull, that or looking into the eyes of your wife of 15 years and telling her how you have lied cheated on and betrayed her. So it's been six months now and my wife and I are trying to heal our marriage, she actually seems alot better than me. Maybe because I wake up every day and I think, is this going to be the day that I break my promise and contact her but then after all this time what could I say to her anyway, she probably just wishes I were dead and frankly sometimes I feel the same way. So anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that I think if we had just been able to avoid the kiss and everything that followed it, everything wouldn't have gotten so screwed up and incredibly painfull and messy, but how do you really know until you go through something like this anyway.
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 Stay strong. You have a wife who loves you enough to give you a chance! Unfortunately, if you reach out to the OW, there's a good chance you will lose your wife over it. Don't contact the OW. By doing that it will open up old wounds and also confuse her. Could give her hope that things are going to start up again too. Or she'll blast you a new one, if you know what I mean... You have to work on yourself by letting go of the OW in your mind, your heart and soul. You love your wife, so focus on her. Remember why you chose to stay married to her. You could have easily ended the marriage and gone off with the OW, but you didn't. Good luck and keep the faith.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 You love your wife, so focus on her. Remember why you chose to stay married to her. You could have easily ended the marriage and gone off with the OW, but you didn't. True. You could have ended the marriage instead, but you didn't. What that tells us is that when forced to a choice.... you chose what was most important to you. That said, whatever problems that were going on in the marriage still need to be resolved. There was something missing that left you vulnerable to noticing the boss's daughter. The trick now... is to find out what that "something" is. You know.... more often than not, these attractions to other people are more about us than about them. Say for example, that you have an EN (emotional need) for admiration from your partner, and you weren't having that EN fulfilled within the primary relationship. The consistant loss in not having that need met would have an effect on your self-esteem. So... an attractive girl comes along and gives you "admiration". What happens next? ..... Having that EN fulfilled turns your head. So, you can see how this may have more to do with you and your wife's relationship, then it has to do with OW. She's not necessarily something extraordinarily special. YOU may have just perceived her as such. Resolve your marital problems. Don't break NC while you're at it. And see what you have once ENs are being met for both you and your wife within the marriage. Your confusion should dissapate after that. Try reading a copy of The Five Love Languages or His Needs/Her Needs for help in identifying ENs. You might also take the Emotional Needs questionairre at marriagebuilders.com.
Author lostsoul66 Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 Thank's for the support. It's very hard to talk to anyone about all this so I wind up with all these thoughts and emotions jumbled-up in my head to the point at which I feel like I will go insane. I know time will tell but it's been 6 months since I abruptly broke off contact with the OW and quite working there. I would have hoped that I would be able to get on with life by now. Thanks again for the words and thoughts.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 Have you and your wife had any marriage counseling?
Author lostsoul66 Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 Yes we have, but I had only said that I kissed the OW after a work party one night and that was all. I just couldn't come out with the rest of it during therapy at that time. I know now that I should have just said it all and laid out the gory details but I just couldn't. Then later, I told her more of what went on because I just could't keep it bottled up any longer. After that we did go through some sessions with a metaphysical healer which was helpful but still more questions than answers at this point. You are so right about the EN part of all this. Sometimes I think that I have focused my life on what everyone elses needs are that I have completely lost track of my own needs and now I feel really lost to what those needs are.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 Read those books and take that questionairre I told you about. You can find them online. It'll help you to identify your ENs so you know what to ask for within the marital relationship. Once you and your wife have a better idea of what you need from the other person, you can begin to address the issues. When each of you are having your ENs met more fully, you're going to feel energized within the marriage. Because when your own love tank is full... it's not so big of an effort to fulfill your partner. In order to get your wife on board though, I do think you'll need to have another discussion regarding 'the state of the marriage'. She needs to know something is broken before she can be expected to help you fix it.
Author lostsoul66 Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 Thanks again, I was just looking at the questionaires at that site. There are a lot of details that led up to and followed this event that have made things even more complicated and mind boggling but I would have had to write a book to get it all out. I just hope that I can get to a day when every song I hear and every movie I see doesn't somehow remind me of the OW because I think I keep mistaking those things for some kind of fate that we are somehow "supposed" to be together. Thanks again for the advise.
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