Sweet Mojo Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 I need some clear minded person(s) to help me figure out what questions I should be asking my boyfriend about this 77 year old "friend" that he plays online bridge with (he and I are in our early 50's). I have just learned that she thinks he might feel a little differently about her than he has previously admited to me. They have known each other approx. 6 years and I have know my boyfriend for about 3 years. He came for a visit to meet me for the first time a while back and we have talked about marrage but in light of this new news I have to rethink this whole thing. This visit was important because he was meeting me but yet he wanted to stop off in another city to see her also. I asked him if he could do that on a later visit but he insisted. I then asked if I could travel with him and meet her and he f-i-n-a-l-l-y agreed. She was rude and catty the whole time we were there and made all plans without asking first if this was something we would like to do. For instance, she wanted us to stay at her home but I said I'd rather rent a hotel room with my boyfriend and later she said to me "Couldn't you refrain for a few days?" My boyfriend has since admitted that it was a bad idea to include this visit with her (I suspect that she planned it and he went along) and he agrees now that he must show her where his priorities are. I just wonder why he hadn't thought of that in the first place. I know that this might seem confusing and please, ask any questions you need to understand if you want to help because I'm mostly looking through the fog of emotion and vacillate between anger and confusion. Any ideas of some hard questions to put to my boyfriend would be appreciated it seems like he might be "wanting his cake and eating it too" becuase this woman has helped him out before when he's need it. Thanks.
newbby Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 well, have you discussed it with him at all? do they seem romantic together? is she rich?
Author Sweet Mojo Posted August 26, 2006 Author Posted August 26, 2006 Yes I've discussed it with him, yelled and ranted a little too. That's when he admitted that this little visit to see her was a bad mistake and I get the impression that this is where he'd like me to leave it. But I didn't let up there and finally he admitted that she might have a different idea about what kind of relationship they have and this may explain her rude behavior towards me during our visit. How should I proceed? I want to confront her (and tell her how he explains their relationship to me) but I know this is my personal emotions. He says that in the next couple of weeks he will gently tell her how things are with him and me should I just let it go at that? I feel like fighting right now especially the way she treated me but again that's just raw emotions. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
newbby Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 well, i dont know why you let her get to you so much if your believe your bf. let her get on with whatever game she is playing, so long as you and your bf are clear about things and clear with each other, it doesnt matter.
Outcast Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 Calm down. She's 27 years older than him for starters. So maybe she's got a little crush. She's hardly competition. Your bf said he'd straighten her out. So let it go and quit beating him up over it.
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 he will gently tell her how things are with him and me He has no problem pissing you off, hurting your feelings, yet he wants to "gently" talk to this 77 year old woman? Whatever HIS intentions are with the friendship, it's obvious that she has issues with you. I"m sure nothing sexual is going on, but she has an attachment to him that is interferring BIG TIME. Is it a grandmother/mom thing he is looking for in her? She's TOO close, she's not family and shouldn't be in your daily lives, knowing all the in's and out's of your lives. He has to detach from her and let her know that their friendship is too intense.
LittleWingedOne Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 He's most likely just humoring her by being flirty (although i dont doubt they are legit good friends). I know I don't really know the situation, but she may just be lonely. You have a right to ask questions, but I wouldn't be too hard on him.
Roo Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 I think he sees her in a motherly type way, thus his interest in talking to her gently, and his allowing her to run the show. is he this passive with you?
Author Sweet Mojo Posted August 27, 2006 Author Posted August 27, 2006 whichwayisup: He has no problem pissing you off, hurting your feelings, yet he wants to "gently" talk to this 77 year old woman? Whatever HIS intentions are with the friendship, it's obvious that she has issues with you. I"m sure nothing sexual is going on, but she has an attachment to him that is interferring BIG TIME. Is it a grandmother/mom thing he is looking for in her? She's TOO close, she's not family and shouldn't be in your daily lives, knowing all the in's and out's of your lives. He has to detach from her and let her know that their friendship is too intense. whichwayisup, your reply has lifted a weight off my shoulders with your perfect understanding. Talking to my boyfriend has left me with the the feeling that I was to blame (to a degree) and that this is MY problem! I felt that his first trip to America (and I direct this to newbby & outcast, mainly) was as he originally planned it to be, to meet me because we want to be married. I had many special things planned for us to see and do but his visit to her home effected the entire visit and then the phone calls too she called while he was with me on OUR time! She has known him longer than I and has visited him many times. I thought she should graciously bow out of OUR time together while we got to know each other. newbby: well, i dont know why you let her get to you so much if your believe your bf. let her get on with whatever game she is playing, so long as you and your bf are clear about things and clear with each other, it doesnt matter. Because she wedged herself into the situation without asking and this time together with my boyfriend was important to me although to be fair to him our "talks" have settled the issue of "priorities" which he had failed to make clear to her before the visit. Outcast: Calm down. She's 27 years older than him for starters. So maybe she's got a little crush. She's hardly competition. Your bf said he'd straighten her out. So let it go and quit beating him up over it. Well, she was acting like she "had a horse in the race" but you missed the point completely. I hardly feel she was competition she was annoying and rude and catty. Before our visit to her home I had only my boyfriends view of her which was very complimentary. She is (said he) an intelligent person with refinement ( ) plus she was a newspaper editor and well traveled but sadly I see her as comman and base now. And as for "beating him up over it" I'm only looking for some validation from him to show that he understands why I am upset and hurt then I'll leave him alone, promise. LittleWingedOne: He's most likely just humoring her by being flirty (although i dont doubt they are legit good friends). I know I don't really know the situation, but she may just be lonely. You have a right to ask questions, but I wouldn't be too hard on him. I love him and promise not to be too hard on him but I need to set some ground rules for my own comfort. Roo: I think he sees her in a motherly type way, thus his interest in talking to her gently, and his allowing her to run the show. is he this passive with you? Yes, he has mentioned he sees her in this way and I have no problem with that and yes he is passive with me and looks at life in that way, generally speaking, which is why this situation has me upset and confused. I want to know that he'll be protective of me no matter who it is and ask others to be respectful no matter who they are. I would do the same for him without prompting.
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