Am I allowed to be friends with a MM?

[Guest]

If MC is not an option in your culture, are you saying DIVORCE IS? Which culture do you belong in? Aren't writing from America? If I remember correctly, marriage counseling has become part of the American culture.

 

Because human nature likes to take risks. The higher the risk, the higher the andrenaline. And when you don't get caught, it's even sweeter and exciting. Then when you get caught, depending on your personal value, it's easier to point the blame on someone else like your spouse you are planning on betraying.

 

NO ONE is predisposed to infidelity! Diseases are! Lack ack of self-esteem is one of the driving force to seek emotional needs and your inability or willingness to cope with whatever you feel you are missing. This is reality. But there's beauty in it. It's real. An affair is an illusion, a fantasy. And do you know the problem with illusions? They have no flaws. It doesn't account for the sexually transmitted diseases you might sentence yourself and your spouse with and possibly an unborn child. Is this the excitement you want waiting for you at the end of the rainbow? Think about it. Then, the MM's W may turn on you. If driven emotionally insane by your betrayal and her H, she might come after you and kill you. Is your illusion of doing another man other than your spouse worth the reality side of that illusion?

 

Another, our culture acquired a quick fix mentality. It's easier to cheat than to work on your M. With an A, there is no obligation, no reponsibility. It's like a drug. You go to your OP to get your fix so that you can be high for a few hours of tantalizing sex. Then you home to your S. A few hours later, the drug wears off and you're craving for more. Before you know it, like a drug addict, you desperately look for ways to get your fix. You schedule you work around the OP, buy fastfood for your family for dinner as opposed to fixing a well balanced meal. You frantically rearrange your schedule, you become an expert at lying and sneaking around behind your kids and family just to find get that small stash of drugs.

 

Is this enough of a reality for you?

 

I posted a reply earlier today, but it never showed up on the board, there might be two posts by tomorrow, I will try to remember what I wrote. Here it goes....

 

 

First of all I wanted to let you all know that I have put in a lot of thought into my inappropriate feelings toward MM. I am ashamed, and have decided to limit the amount of contact we have between us. Mind you, it will be difficult and challenging at first ,but I know with time I can overcome the feelings I have for this man. We did not physically or verbally let each other know how we felt, so it shouldn't be as painful, well...thats at least what I believe today.

 

 

As far as marriage counseling between my husband and I it is still not going to happen. We are of hispanic descent. We live in America, and I'm not saying all hispanics are like us, but for the most part, hispanic males would not step foot into any counseling offices nor would consider any outside help concerning their marital problems. Any marital issues are usually dealt within the home. I'm okay with that. I think I will try to communicate my needs a little more effectively. He works hard and probably does not realize he is forgetting his wifes needs. I know I have neglected some of his needs as well.

 

 

When I look at my husband and children, I then realize, what a serious mistake it would be to hurt them. I could never live with myself if I were to be responsible for causing them pain. Thoughts of infidelity with MM creep up on me when I least expect it. I try to keep busy and not think of MM, I occupy myself with my business and childrens activities. I excersise almost everyday, to clear my mind. It usually helps. Maybe the answer is to continue keeping busy and slowly but surely he will no longer be in my thoughts.

 

I would appreciate any other advice. Thank you for your replies and opinions.

[Rooster_DAR]

Earlier you asked what pre-dispostions humans to affairs and cheating. It's all of part of nature, evolution, and pro-creation. I believe we are wired to seek multiple partners, that's how the species survives, just like almost all other living things in this world do. The only difference between them and us, is our higher intelligence which breeds a heavy emotional concience and causes us grief when we lose a partner.

 

Regards,

[November-Rain]

Sounds like you got your head back on your shoulders. Keep coming back to LS whenever you feel you will weaken to temptation. We will try to set you straight. Best of luck.

[Guest II]

If you are really trying to distance yourself from your married guy friend, how did you deal with the Labor Day BBQ this past weekend?

[Owl]

The only real way to ensure that you remain NC with this guy, and the feelings truly do go away, is by telling your H about your feelings for him, and your fears for your marriage if things continue the way they are.

 

Tell your H what's going on...and work things out from there.

[Guest]

The only real way to ensure that you remain NC with this guy, and the feelings truly do go away, is by telling your H about your feelings for him, and your fears for your marriage if things continue the way they are.

 

Tell your H what's going on...and work things out from there.

 

Do you mean- tell my husband that I have feelings for another MM? If so I really don't think it would be wise on my behalf. My husband would LOSE IT! I would much rather spare him any grief over my selfishness. There is no need to involve him in any way. I appreciate your input, but I know my husband, he would not understand.

 

I am trying to approach my relationship with my husband in a whole different way. I realize I am at fault. Communication and more time spent together as a couple is definetly a priority for now.

[Guest]

If you are really trying to distance yourself from your married guy friend, how did you deal with the Labor Day BBQ this past weekend?

 

I did attend the Labor Day weekend BBQ at our friends home. Luckily they were so busy attending other guests, that most of our time was spent talking to other friends. I intentionally stayed away from him as much as possible. I'm not sure if he sensed the distance I put between the two of us, but if he did he sure did not let on, however I do believe he is trying to distance himself from me as well. He is cautious around me as of recently, whenever we run into each other. Maybe his wife has finally sensed someting and has brought it to his attention. Either way it's best for both of us to stay clear away from each other. I know it is impossible to avoid NC completley, because our children are involved in the same activities and sports. That will be the daily test I will try to conquer, hopefully with time my feelings for him will diminish. I must admit it is a daily struggle to resist and refuse feelings that are quite intense. I am trying to give it my best effort. Hopefully I will succeed.

[Owl]

Guest-

 

I've been in your H's shoes. Trust me, my wife felt EXACTLY the same way you did. But the reality is, you have no TRUE idea how he'll react until he's in that situation.

 

Honestly, the BIGGEST issue that most of us "BS's" have to deal with are the DECEPTION and LIES of an affair. Your case hasn't gotten that far...YET. It'll be easier to deal with now rather than later.

 

And if you don't take ACTIVE, DIRECT steps to end all contact with this man...they WILL happen. I've been on these boards for years...I've seen it here, and in person as well.

 

Your marriage needs a wake up call in order to save it...mine did too. Mine was MY WIFE'S emotional affair. Ended over two years ago...and we're still together.

 

Your H DESERVES to know the truth...but the reality is that YOU ARE AFRAID of what will happen when he finds out. But you know what will be worse than him finding out that you have feelings for someone? Finding out that you had feelings for someone, didn't tell him, and let things grow until you slept with him. Think about it...seriously.

 

Give HIM the chance to help you work through this...and get into marriage counseling to help deal with the issues in your marriage. I really do know of what I speak (ok...type! ).

 

Make no mistake...if you DON'T talk with him about it and make these changes, you'll end up hurting him AND yourself far more than the pain he might feel now.

[Guest]

Guest-

 

I've been in your H's shoes. Trust me, my wife felt EXACTLY the same way you did. But the reality is, you have no TRUE idea how he'll react until he's in that situation.

 

Honestly, the BIGGEST issue that most of us "BS's" have to deal with are the DECEPTION and LIES of an affair. Your case hasn't gotten that far...YET. It'll be easier to deal with now rather than later.

 

And if you don't take ACTIVE, DIRECT steps to end all contact with this man...they WILL happen. I've been on these boards for years...I've seen it here, and in person as well.

 

Your marriage needs a wake up call in order to save it...mine did too. Mine was MY WIFE'S emotional affair. Ended over two years ago...and we're still together.

 

Your H DESERVES to know the truth...but the reality is that YOU ARE AFRAID of what will happen when he finds out. But you know what will be worse than him finding out that you have feelings for someone? Finding out that you had feelings for someone, didn't tell him, and let things grow until you slept with him. Think about it...seriously.

 

Give HIM the chance to help you work through this...and get into marriage counseling to help deal with the issues in your marriage. I really do know of what I speak (ok...type! ).

 

Make no mistake...if you DON'T talk with him about it and make these changes, you'll end up hurting him AND yourself far more than the pain he might feel now.

 

Thanks for the advice, I will give it some serious thought, though not sure if I will go through with it.

 

I ran into MM today. My heart started to beat a mile a minute, but I quickly gained my composure and was able to keep conversation with him to a minimum. Might seem like it's not a big deal to most, but it was a step forward on containing my emotions and not wanting to interact with him longer just to be near him.

 

As far as my marriage is concerned, I have been focusing more on revealing my thoughts and my needs to my husband, however I have had a lot of guilt and I can't seem to balance what truly needs to be addressed from all the wrongs I have brought into our marriage. Actually, my husband does not have any idea I feel guilty, because he has no clue that I have been lusting over our married friend.

 

Does anyone out there know how I can work on my marriage without telling my husband that I have had feelings for another man for quite some time? I don't think I am ready to tell my husband as of yet, because I don't not know if it will backfire on me.

[Guest]

Here is my situation, my husband and I have been hanging out with another married couple quite a bit as of lately. I get along a lot better with couples husband more so than with his wife, she is shy and quite. We are deep in conversation at times where I suddenly realize it's only myself and he that are really hitting it off, carrying on, and laughing away. I just want to make it known that by no way are we showing any sort of disrespect towards our spouses. I almost feel like it's only the two of us and no one else is there.

 

My husband gets along well with both but, he can go without seeing them. He feels indifferent towards the friendship, I think he hangs out with them more for me rather than the enjoyment of their company. I get really anxious when we don't see them for a while I almost feel as if I'm falling for this man, and I have no idea how to stop these feelings and turn it back to the way things were, to just a simple friendship. I get a strange vibe from him too, I think he might be feeling as I do.

 

 

Has anyone out there had this happen to them? Can you be friends with a MM without it turning into something else?

 

I don't have time to read your entire post...but I CAN tell you that I am the W...A very scorned, hurt, betrayed and humiliated W...No...you are not allowed to be friends with a married man...It NEVER works...

[Guest/1st poster]

I don't have time to read your entire post...but I CAN tell you that I am the W...A very scorned, hurt, betrayed and humiliated W...No...you are not allowed to be friends with a married man...It NEVER works...

 

How do you know for sure it will never work? I do not want to force a friendship that will end up hurting our significant others, however, I would like to know if anyone out there has ever had a crush on a male or female friend...but later got over it and still continued the friendship??

[Guest]

How do you know for sure it will never work? I do not want to force a friendship that will end up hurting our significant others, however, I would like to know if anyone out there has ever had a crush on a male or female friend...but later got over it and still continued the friendship??

 

 

I don't know for sure that it would not work..but I CAN tell you that there is NO way that the significant other/wife would NOT get hurt..unless the significant other/wife is a part of the friendship..ie,. dinners out together, socializing in groups, ect...One on one friendships where the W/SO is not involved in...almost always end up tragically...For ALL concerned! You are trying to talk yourself into something that you know is wrong...I sense alot of justification and denial on your part...My teenage son and I were talking the other day about the whole boy/girl thing, he's just starting it...I told him that I had a good friend that remained plutonic for years...He said; "Mom, YOU may have considered it just a friendship, but I can almost guarantee that he wanted more."..I remembered years back that I did indeed share a kiss with him at which point he proceeded to ask me questions such as..Didn't you feel something? I dismissed it, but realize now..after talking to a teenager, that whatever age...The man ALWAYS wants more. Unless he happens to be of a different sexual orientation...THEY make wonderful friends! Just my opinion...I am not in a position to stand in judgement of anyone...just trying to offer some insight coming from the other side..A side that you have not been in...

[Guest]

I don't know for sure that it would not work..but I CAN tell you that there is NO way that the significant other/wife would NOT get hurt..unless the significant other/wife is a part of the friendship..ie,. dinners out together, socializing in groups, ect...One on one friendships where the W/SO is not involved in...almost always end up tragically...For ALL concerned! You are trying to talk yourself into something that you know is wrong...I sense alot of justification and denial on your part...My teenage son and I were talking the other day about the whole boy/girl thing, he's just starting it...I told him that I had a good friend that remained plutonic for years...He said; "Mom, YOU may have considered it just a friendship, but I can almost guarantee that he wanted more."..I remembered years back that I did indeed share a kiss with him at which point he proceeded to ask me questions such as..Didn't you feel something? I dismissed it, but realize now..after talking to a teenager, that whatever age...The man ALWAYS wants more. Unless he happens to be of a different sexual orientation...THEY make wonderful friends! Just my opinion...I am not in a position to stand in judgement of anyone...just trying to offer some insight coming from the other side..A side that you have not been in...

 

Thank you, for offering your opinions. I now see things differently. My good sense of judgement has been obscured by my silly little crush on my MM friend. I know what I have to do now as far as keeping my distance from him. I'm just glad I did not take it to a dangerous level where people I dearly love would have been hurt. I'm hoping each day will only get easier on getting over him. Not having to see him will be difficult at first, but If I can get through one week I know I can get through another.

[whichwayisup]

How do you know for sure it will never work? I do not want to force a friendship that will end up hurting our significant others, however, I would like to know if anyone out there has ever had a crush on a male or female friend...but later got over it and still continued the friendship??

 

The thing is, once you get over the feelings, you see the person in a different light. It won't be the same, and you'll see that connection, that glue that made you want to be close and be friendly, go away...Maybe you won't want to have that friendship...Plus, seeing as your feelings are DEEP for the MM, being friends with him is only going to feed the feelings more. What you feel for him is not healthy seeing as it will affect your feelings for your husband. You may love your husband, but the more the MM is in your life, that intense feeling and your heart is more into the MM than your own husband. That's not right, or fair.

 

Thank you, for offering your opinions. I now see things differently. My good sense of judgement has been obscured by my silly little crush on my MM friend. I know what I have to do now as far as keeping my distance from him. I'm just glad I did not take it to a dangerous level where people I dearly love would have been hurt. I'm hoping each day will only get easier on getting over him. Not having to see him will be difficult at first, but If I can get through one week I know I can get through another.

I'm glad you see this. You aren't thinking clearly. Imagine your husband feeling the same way about a MW or a OW, and still being close friends with them...

 

I think you know you need to detach and tell the MM the friendship isn't good or healthy for either of you. Don't call him, don't go out of your way to see him, and hopefully he'll respect that and do the same for you. If the paths cross once in a while, so be it, but don't actively spend time with him and his wife...

 

Focus on your husband. Tell him that you feel distant from him and you two MUST talk and re-connect. If he outright asks you if there is another man, tell him the truth.

[Owl]

Great advice as always by WWIU.

 

She's gotten pretty "wise" in her time on this forum!! :)

[Guest]

The thing is, once you get over the feelings, you see the person in a different light. It won't be the same, and you'll see that connection, that glue that made you want to be close and be friendly, go away...Maybe you won't want to have that friendship...Plus, seeing as your feelings are DEEP for the MM, being friends with him is only going to feed the feelings more. What you feel for him is not healthy seeing as it will affect your feelings for your husband. You may love your husband, but the more the MM is in your life, that intense feeling and your heart is more into the MM than your own husband. That's not right, or fair.

 

 

I'm glad you see this. You aren't thinking clearly. Imagine your husband feeling the same way about a MW or a OW, and still being close friends with them...

 

I think you know you need to detach and tell the MM the friendship isn't good or healthy for either of you. Don't call him, don't go out of your way to see him, and hopefully he'll respect that and do the same for you. If the paths cross once in a while, so be it, but don't actively spend time with him and his wife...

 

Focus on your husband. Tell him that you feel distant from him and you two MUST talk and re-connect. If he outright asks you if there is another man, tell him the truth.

 

 

Thank you again to all who have taken time to respond. I am thankful for a forum like this one. I really don't know what could've happened if I continued with my crush towards MM. I'm not saying I am over him, however, what is of great importance is my husband and children and I need to put my main emphasis on them. My one concern is that I will weaken from time to time so I figure Iwill continue reading other posts...just to put myself in check, I think it would be helpful.

[EndoftheRope]

I don't have time to read your entire post...but I CAN tell you that I am the W...A very scorned, hurt, betrayed and humiliated W...No...you are not allowed to be friends with a married man...It NEVER works...

 

Ditto.

 

I see I need at least ten characters to post a message, so here it is, but ditto said it all. "FRIENDSHIPS" with married men, unless it's totally on the up and up with the wife, too, will hurt the wife (not to mention your husband) and hurt both marriages. A true friend does not endanger another's marriage.