Am I allowed to be friends with a MM?

[Guest]

Here is my situation, my husband and I have been hanging out with another married couple quite a bit as of lately. I get along a lot better with couples husband more so than with his wife, she is shy and quite. We are deep in conversation at times where I suddenly realize it's only myself and he that are really hitting it off, carrying on, and laughing away. I just want to make it known that by no way are we showing any sort of disrespect towards our spouses. I almost feel like it's only the two of us and no one else is there.

 

My husband gets along well with both but, he can go without seeing them. He feels indifferent towards the friendship, I think he hangs out with them more for me rather than the enjoyment of their company. I get really anxious when we don't see them for a while I almost feel as if I'm falling for this man, and I have no idea how to stop these feelings and turn it back to the way things were, to just a simple friendship. I get a strange vibe from him too, I think he might be feeling as I do.

 

 

Has anyone out there had this happen to them? Can you be friends with a MM without it turning into something else?

[November-Rain]

It seems like the two of you are the ones having the friendship. Your husband and his wife are only there because they are just being good husbands and wives. It's obvious there is some sort of chemistry between the two of you. I would say cool the friendship, so that you can work on your marriage there is probably something missing and you need to focus on that, and that goes for your male friend too.

 

 

I have had temptation towards another married man who started out as a friend, but I quickly realized by the help of other posters on this site, that I was about to make a huge mistake I was going to regret.

 

 

I recommend that you read other posts on this site, you will quickly find out all the hurt and pain that goes on by letting that friendship you have with the married continue on.

[JadeStar]

You get anxious when you don't see THEM for awhile?

 

 

No, rephrase that, you get anxious when you dont see HIM for awhile. There is nothing wrong with male/female friendships, however, you stated yourself you feel that sometimes its just the two of you there. There can be a fine line between having a friendship and keeping it just that, and then crossing the line into something else. Next time you and your husband decide to get together with this couple make sure you include your husband and this other mans wife in the things you all are doing/saying etc. That's really more of a safe thing to do and more of enjoying a couples friendship. JMO

 

 

 

Jade

[whichwayisup]

get really anxious when we don't see them for a while I almost feel as if I'm falling for this man, and I have no idea how to stop these feelings and turn it back to the way things were, to just a simple friendship. I get a strange vibe from him too, I think he might be feeling as I do.

 

There's your #1 reason why NOT to continue the friendship and let it die.

 

A "friend" is someone you trust and can hangout with WITHOUT falling inlove with or feeling anxious and excited for the next time you see him. It's not a good thing for your marriage. Think about this, then go read some threads in the OW/OM section, otherwise you're gonna find yourself right smack in the midst of an affair with this guy...You're dangerously close now......

 

Then go read some threads by betrayed spouses, about their pain from finding out their husband/wife cheated on them.

 

DO you all have kids? Again, think about what good can come of this situation...All I see is two people who are attracted to eachother, both married to someone else and lusting, waiting for the right moment to "talk" about the feelings, fueling the fire....Don't do it.

 

What if your husband was lusting after another woman? Say that MM's wife. And wanted to just hang out with her....How would you feel?

[Guest]

There's your #1 reason why NOT to continue the friendship and let it die.

 

A "friend" is someone you trust and can hangout with WITHOUT falling inlove with or feeling anxious and excited for the next time you see him. It's not a good thing for your marriage. Think about this, then go read some threads in the OW/OM section, otherwise you're gonna find yourself right smack in the midst of an affair with this guy...You're dangerously close now......

 

Then go read some threads by betrayed spouses, about their pain from finding out their husband/wife cheated on them.

 

DO you all have kids? Again, think about what good can come of this situation...All I see is two people who are attracted to eachother, both married to someone else and lusting, waiting for the right moment to "talk" about the feelings, fueling the fire....Don't do it.

 

What if your husband was lusting after another woman? Say that MM's wife. And wanted to just hang out with her....How would you feel?

 

 

I know ,I know, but I can't stop feeling the way I do when I'm around him.

 

My husband and I do have kids and so do they. their kids and ours are friends and we participate in most of their events as they do with ours.

 

I really do know it is wrong for me to feel this way. I actually think I would doubt my own judgemnt if I were ever alone with him. I have not felt this way in a very long time, and it seems like I am missing what I used to have for example, the attention MM gives me, he is eager to converse with me and interested in what my thoughts are, I guess it's also the way he notices all the small things and is attentive to detail on all our past and present conversations.

 

Unfortunately my husband and I have fallen into a rut. He is usually very tired from work and what little time we have together is usually with the children, which I do not mind spending family time, but I guess I am missing the one on one we used to have. I realize I sound selfish, I just wish I could find a way to satisfy my craving for his company without harming the ones I love.

[whichwayisup]

Then go to marriage counselling and work it out. DO NOT let yourself fall into the arms of this MM. If you do, you'll be ruining your life, your husband's life and most of all, your children. That, in itself should be enough to make you STOP and realize wtf you're doing is only going to hurt and screw up so many lives - Just because you "want" this other man.

 

You are missing the attention, the intimacy, the closeness sex brings between a husband and a wife. So, stop saying that life is too busy and DO something to change it! Be proactive! Don't complain and then do nothing to fix things. TELL your husband you NEED him! Explain to him how you feel, what needs he isn't meeting of yours. Who knows? Maybe there are needs of his that aren't being met either so talking about it will make life at home better.

 

You two have to make special time for eachother! Get a sitter or ask a family member to take the kids for a night or weekend. GO somewhere and reconnect.

 

You don't love the MM, he's just got your attention because of how he makes you feel -Sexy, desirable and needed....YOUR husband can provide all of that for you, so give it a chance!

[Guest]

Then go to marriage counselling and work it out. DO NOT let yourself fall into the arms of this MM. If you do, you'll be ruining your life, your husband's life and most of all, your children. That, in itself should be enough to make you STOP and realize wtf you're doing is only going to hurt and screw up so many lives - Just because you "want" this other man.

 

You are missing the attention, the intimacy, the closeness sex brings between a husband and a wife. So, stop saying that life is too busy and DO something to change it! Be proactive! Don't complain and then do nothing to fix things. TELL your husband you NEED him! Explain to him how you feel, what needs he isn't meeting of yours. Who knows? Maybe there are needs of his that aren't being met either so talking about it will make life at home better.

 

You two have to make special time for eachother! Get a sitter or ask a family member to take the kids for a night or weekend. GO somewhere and reconnect.

 

You don't love the MM, he's just got your attention because of how he makes you feel -Sexy, desirable and needed....YOUR husband can provide all of that for you, so give it a chance!

 

Thank you, I will attempt to work on communicating my needs and husbands needs. Any other advice, out there? I could sure use it!

[cranium]

I really do know it is wrong for me to feel this way. I actually think I would doubt my own judgemnt if I were ever alone with him. I have not felt this way in a very long time, and it seems like I am missing what I used to have for example, the attention MM gives me, he is eager to converse with me and interested in what my thoughts are, I guess it's also the way he notices all the small things and is attentive to detail on all our past and present conversations.

 

Unfortunately my husband and I have fallen into a rut. He is usually very tired from work and what little time we have together is usually with the children, which I do not mind spending family time, but I guess I am missing the one on one we used to have. I realize I sound selfish, I just wish I could find a way to satisfy my craving for his company without harming the ones I love.

 

We're human and attractions to others happen, but you need to communicate with your husband. Try - "Hey honey, our neighbor is really wigging me out and I don't want to do anything foolish."

 

Your H would much rather know now and help you work through this infatuation than have to deal with the train wreck your life will become if you act. MM needs to focus on his W and family also.

[TheWife]

I know ,I know, but I can't stop feeling the way I do when I'm around him.

 

My husband and I do have kids and so do they. their kids and ours are friends and we participate in most of their events as they do with ours.

 

I really do know it is wrong for me to feel this way. I actually think I would doubt my own judgemnt if I were ever alone with him...

 

Unfortunately my husband and I have fallen into a rut.....but I guess I am missing the one on one we used to have. I realize I sound selfish, I just wish I could find a way to satisfy my craving for his company without harming the ones I love.

 

You are treading on dangerours ground. This is a precurser to an A. Are you willing to risk everything by not being a responsible adult by confronting you H? There are other people involve especially your kids? You are playing with fire. And you are being down right selfish.

 

Dr. Phil once made this point: "The time and energy you invest in a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, is time and energy taken away from investing in your marriage." Think about it.

 

The humility to your family especially your kids will be your lesson to learn if you do not yield to this temptation. You are an adult, a parent, a wife, a lover. Act responsibly! You're not a teen-bopper anymore!

[Guest]

I have recently been in a similar situation. I understand how you are feeling. I am a married woman who met a single man over a year ago and have been maintaining a friendship ever since. During the last year I have made several attempts to "cool off" the friendship realising that we both have feelings towards each other. Its alot easier said than done. Every time I have suggested that we cease all communication I felt like the end of the world was drawing near and I just couldn't go through with it.

 

I too was feeling anxious when I wouldn't communicate with OM for a while. A while would be just a couple of days. We were communicating with each other on a daily basis via email and SMS. Quite often I would receive SMS at night whilst I was with my hubby with the OM asking "Are you OK?. You get anxious when you don't see him for a while. A good friend of mine asked me this after I confided in her regarding my situation. Who can't you live without?

 

My answer is my hubby and so a couple of months ago I decided that my marriage needed some attention. I suggested to hubby that we go to marriage counselling to re-build our relationship after being married for 15 years. My hubby has initially shocked to find out that I had been unhappy in the marriage but that been said agreed to go to the counselling. Yes, the OM is still in my head.

 

Marriage counselling is not going to resolve any feelings for the OM but the process does make you ask yourself why the OM is so important to you as opposed to your hubby. The process also re-affirms the reasons why you are with your hubby. I realised that the OM is fulfilling needs that my hubby has not been able to purely because I hadn't mentioned anything to him. After all these years of maariage my hubby has been flying on auto-pilot not realising that we have grown apart and that my needs have changed. The OM is aware of these feelings because we have discussed them in numerous conversations. Conversations that hubby and I are too busy/tired/stressed to have.

 

Listen to the advice that others have given you in this forum. We understand how you feel and I can tell you that its not going to be easy.

 

As a last thought, try picking up a great book that my counsellor suggested to me and I now recommend to my friends "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Gottman. Its a great read with lots of suggestions.

[whichwayisup]

Even though you're fixing your marriage, are you still in contact with the OM?

[Guest]

Unfortunately Yes. And that I know has to stop. This week for example has started off well. No contact as yet with OM. I do not initiate contact with OM at all. It is the OM for emails and SMS me. I am trying very hard to do the right thing. I have been sharing more "quality time" with hubby and organising weekends away. All of which the OM is aware of. I honestly do not understand why he continues to contact me.

[Guest]

I appreciate everyones advice, I know it takes time, effort, and thought to try and get the right wording effectively through to somebody. that's why I feel like such a louse.

 

I am dissapointed in myself today. I allowed myself to be overcome with joy, because MM was over my home with one of his children yesterday. My husband and a few other friends where there as well. We where celebrating my younger childs birthday. I tried to contain myself, but the closeness I felt sitting next to him was pretty intense. I am scared and never had to deal with feelings like this before, it's a combination of excitement, euphoria, and extreme guilt. I could not sleep last night due to the fact that I could possibly be un-faithful to my husband.

 

I think I need to read more posts, they really do knock some sense into me. As long as I'm not around MM, I seem to be fine, but once I am...it's back to square one!

[TheWife]

Unfortunately I honestly do not understand why he continues to contact me.

Because he refuses to take responsibility for his M. You have.

 

When my WH emailed OW w/CC to me, the OW kept calling him until he "decided" to pick up the phone and talk to her. Similarly, YOU have hold the power, the decision to pave the direction your M will go or how it will end. YOU have the CHOICE to pick up the phone when the OM calls OR not.

 

You see, until the OM DECIDES to take responsibility for his M, he will continue to call you. And as long you choose to NOT answer, he will (hopefully) stop calling. BUT, keep in mind, also, that if the OM continues the path he's on, there will be another OW, like yourself to replace you. And that new OW, will get sucked into an A.

 

If more couples took the step to see MC to revamp their M, rather than waiting after the A exploded leaving lives ruined behind, there would be less divorces. Kudos for you!

[my_dream_love]

That's why men and women shouldn't be friends when both are in the marriage or have bfs and gfs of their own. I think it's more of the testosteron rather feelings. You have feelings for you husband otherwise you wouldn't married him in the first place. Grow up!

[Guest]

That's why men and women shouldn't be friends when both are in the marriage or have bfs and gfs of their own. I think it's more of the testosteron rather feelings. You have feelings for you husband otherwise you wouldn't married him in the first place. Grow up!

I definitely need to grow up! someone on one the posts suggested I go to marriage counseling, however my husband has no idea there is anything wrong in our relationship. In our particular culture, marriage counseling is not an option, we are supposed to deal with our marriage problems in private, without any outsiders. That is why I am here, hoping I can resolve this on my own. This Sunday we are invited to there home for a labor day weekend BBQ. I would like to look at MM with indifference and hopefully not give off any indication that I am interested in him. Who know's! maybe it's just me, but I feel everytime I speak to him, I think he knows what I feel for him. As I mentioned on another post, I get the feeling he feels the same way too.

 

You know, the crazy thing about all this is that I know perfectly well what the outcome of infidelity would be. Why are some humans drawn to such destruction? Was there something lacking from our childhood, that would pre-position us to infidelity? Or is that just an excuse for not accepting our own actions? help!

[mrm00k]

I realize I sound selfish, I just wish I could find a way to satisfy my craving for his company without harming the ones I love.

 

 

There is no way for this to happen.

 

My wife was in a similar situation and she thought I had no idea. Of course I did. I waited ... too long perhaps ... to confront her about it. It was the most stressful thing we have endured in our 14yr marriage. It would have been much easier on both of us if one of us had spoken up sooner.

[Rooster_DAR]

I'll say what everyone else is saying. !!YOU ARE ON THE VERGE OF AN AFFAIR!!

 

Do something before it's too late, and lot's of people get hurt.

[TheWife]

I definitely need to grow up! someone on one the posts suggested I go to marriage counseling, however my husband has no idea there is anything wrong in our relationship. In our particular culture, marriage counseling is not an option, we are supposed to deal with our marriage problems in private, without any outsiders.

 

You know, the crazy thing about all this is that I know perfectly well what the outcome of infidelity would be. Why are some humans drawn to such destruction? Was there something lacking from our childhood, that would pre-position us to infidelity? Or is that just an excuse for not accepting our own actions? help!

 

If MC is not an option in your culture, are you saying DIVORCE IS? Which culture do you belong in? Aren't writing from America? If I remember correctly, marriage counseling has become part of the American culture.

 

Because human nature likes to take risks. The higher the risk, the higher the andrenaline. And when you don't get caught, it's even sweeter and exciting. Then when you get caught, depending on your personal value, it's easier to point the blame on someone else like your spouse you are planning on betraying.

 

NO ONE is predisposed to infidelity! Diseases are! Lack ack of self-esteem is one of the driving force to seek emotional needs and your inability or willingness to cope with whatever you feel you are missing. This is reality. But there's beauty in it. It's real. An affair is an illusion, a fantasy. And do you know the problem with illusions? They have no flaws. It doesn't account for the sexually transmitted diseases you might sentence yourself and your spouse with and possibly an unborn child. Is this the excitement you want waiting for you at the end of the rainbow? Think about it. Then, the MM's W may turn on you. If driven emotionally insane by your betrayal and her H, she might come after you and kill you. Is your illusion of doing another man other than your spouse worth the reality side of that illusion?

 

Another, our culture acquired a quick fix mentality. It's easier to cheat than to work on your M. With an A, there is no obligation, no reponsibility. It's like a drug. You go to your OP to get your fix so that you can be high for a few hours of tantalizing sex. Then you home to your S. A few hours later, the drug wears off and you're craving for more. Before you know it, like a drug addict, you desperately look for ways to get your fix. You schedule you work around the OP, buy fastfood for your family for dinner as opposed to fixing a well balanced meal. You frantically rearrange your schedule, you become an expert at lying and sneaking around behind your kids and family just to find get that small stash of drugs.

 

Is this enough of a reality for you?

[Rooster_DAR]

Well stated, and I totally concur!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Excellent post by The Wife!

[Sal Paradise]

Excellent post by The Wife!

 

I agree, it was an excellent post.

[LakesideDream]

Earlier in this thread a married woman chimed in that she was also having an EA with a married man, and that she suggested counciling to her husband to "rebuild her marriage".

 

I wonder did she disclose her EA in counciling? Or was the suggestion of counciling just a manipulation to cover her booty if the EA became a PA and she was caught?

[Guest]

If MC is not an option in your culture, are you saying DIVORCE IS? Which culture do you belong in? Aren't writing from America? If I remember correctly, marriage counseling has become part of the American culture.

 

Because human nature likes to take risks. The higher the risk, the higher the andrenaline. And when you don't get caught, it's even sweeter and exciting. Then when you get caught, depending on your personal value, it's easier to point the blame on someone else like your spouse you are planning on betraying.

 

NO ONE is predisposed to infidelity! Diseases are! Lack ack of self-esteem is one of the driving force to seek emotional needs and your inability or willingness to cope with whatever you feel you are missing. This is reality. But there's beauty in it. It's real. An affair is an illusion, a fantasy. And do you know the problem with illusions? They have no flaws. It doesn't account for the sexually transmitted diseases you might sentence yourself and your spouse with and possibly an unborn child. Is this the excitement you want waiting for you at the end of the rainbow? Think about it. Then, the MM's W may turn on you. If driven emotionally insane by your betrayal and her H, she might come after you and kill you. Is your illusion of doing another man other than your spouse worth the reality side of that illusion?

 

Another, our culture acquired a quick fix mentality. It's easier to cheat than to work on your M. With an A, there is no obligation, no reponsibility. It's like a drug. You go to your OP to get your fix so that you can be high for a few hours of tantalizing sex. Then you home to your S. A few hours later, the drug wears off and you're craving for more. Before you know it, like a drug addict, you desperately look for ways to get your fix. You schedule you work around the OP, buy fastfood for your family for dinner as opposed to fixing a well balanced meal. You frantically rearrange your schedule, you become an expert at lying and sneaking around behind your kids and family just to find get that small stash of drugs.

 

Is this enough of a reality for you?

 

I think I've come to my senses, especially after reading these posts. I don't know what came over me, ( temporary insanity) to say the least! I am not perfect by far, however I have been married a long time and this is the first time in my marriage I have come close to being unfaithful. I am ashamed that I considered harming my children and husband. Marraige counseling is still out of the question, I don't expect any of you to understand why. Like I said before, it is not really favored in my culture, although I do live in America. I am of hispanic descent. It is very un-manly like in our culture for a man to ask for help with a stranger eventhough they are professionally trained counselors. My husband would not consider the thought of asking for outside help. Re-evaluating my priorities has been my number one concern for the past few days. My crush or feelings I have had for this friend of ours is out of line and inappropriate. I will continue to work towards a way on how to move on also, not have as much contact as we have had as of lately with our married friends. Thank you, for the advice that has been given to me by all of you.

 

I still can use as much advice as possible. I hope some of you could tell me what way I can diminish the contact between this other couple, without making it so obvious.

[TheWife]

Earlier in this thread a married woman chimed in that she was also having an EA with a married man, and that she suggested counciling to her husband to "rebuild her marriage".

 

I wonder did she disclose her EA in counciling? Or was the suggestion of counciling just a manipulation to cover her booty if the EA became a PA and she was caught?

 

It's a cowardly way of denying the A and not taking responsibility. Yes, it is a cheap cover up. She's hoping that through counseling, it will lesson the blow, because then she's got the MC as the referee. Smart but a slimy way of letting the H know he's been cheated on. Regardless, the pain wll be just the same, BUT now, the H will argue, why didn't she just come clean without the counseling. The ramification against the cheater will be higher.

 

She wants the MC to the dirty job for her.